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Thread: Helping someone who cannot be helped?

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by weirdsituati
    We would talk for 6+ hours easily without even realizing.
    First thing I thought reading this is 'how on earth has this guy got so much time on his hands?'.

    Imo if you've got this amount of free time, you should be building and enriching your own life with real-life friends (not Internet people you've never met), family, hobbies, interests, passions, voluntary work etc.

  2. #22
    Originally Posted by Lambert
    I understand. I used to think I had to be understanding and accept people as they are. And what ended up happening was, I had a lot of people in my life but they weren't the kind of people I really wanted.
    Makes a lot of sense. I think I have the opposite problem. When I see something I don't like in someone I have a hard time accepting it

    Originally Posted by Lambert
    Which to be honest, is the loneliest type of lonely... lost in a sea of people that don't understand me and don't support the life I want....
    100%. You'll feel more invisible when you can be seen but aren't acknowledged

    Originally Posted by Lambert
    it was hard and it is still hard to this day. I'm still setting boundaries and distancing myself from people I've know for decades.

    but as I'm focusing more on meeting my own needs, better people do seem to be appearing. And frankly, the pandemic has helped close ranks... when this is over some people won't make it back into my wider circle and that's OK.
    You're a very smart and insightful individual. It's highly likely that things will work out for your benefit in the long-term

  3. #23
    Originally Posted by Ian4996
    First thing I thought reading this is 'how on earth has this guy got so much time on his hands?'.

    Imo if you've got this amount of free time, you should be building and enriching your own life with real-life friends (not Internet people you've never met), family, hobbies, interests, passions, voluntary work etc.
    I don't need to work, I just work for enjoyment when I'm motivated. I have a good amount of free time due to that. So yes that's a good point, lack of purpose for myself is also an issue. Thanks for that

  4. #24
    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    You both have an unhealthy attachment to each other.

    Time to let her go. She doesn't have the same romantic interest in you, and you are going to get very hurt as you continue to watch her demonstrate that by dating other guys.

    Work on you, and then on meeting a local woman you can develop a healthy relationship with. This is not it.
    Agreed 100% thank you

  5.  

  6. #25
    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    And OP, you DID ask. L:

    "What's your take on this situation? "

    So, a question. How do you see yourself getting out of and beyond this "Saviour Syndrome". How about getting involved with people in real life. Healthy people with healthy boundaries who do not need anyone's help.

    You mention "dull". I cannot think of anything duller than this online person/project. .
    Very good suggestions thank you. I've started some self-therapy by doing some emotional literacy work. The core issue is definitely with self worth I think.

    Honestly I didn't find this situation dull. I really don't understand why lol

    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    Then again the unstable and unhinged of this life can seem kind of excitingly edgy, as they drag you onto the rollercoaster with them. Suddenly you realise you are dealing with a train wreck.
    Thee is a happy medium between "dull" and the train wreck
    I think this is exactly what happened. I was feeling dull, wanted something edgy, and suddenly -- from my perspective -- I was dealing with a train wreck

  7. #26
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    You make me smile WS. L.

    It's probably why many of us love to chill out by watching an edgy horror/supernatural movie. Saving the damsels from those dratted vampires to whom they are soooo attracted.

    But you are not Van Helsing, are you. (just kidding).

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Let her go. She does need to live her life and make her own mistakes. Is it the covid situation that's got you in a bind like this with the two younger women? I understand it's difficult meeting people at the moment. Do you have peers or associates somewhat more on your level?

  9. #28
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    6 months ago I started talking to a girl online who was having relationship issues with her now ex-boyfriend.
    Ill assume she was in a a relationship when you first started talking? You go from there mentioning you were in a 'quasi relationship. This is a little word salad that basically means you were chatting with someone much younger when you were both otherwise in relationships. Great start!

    From there you develop feelings and go into white knight mode, going as far as giving her ulimatums, arm chair therapy, coercion and getting agitated that she isn't behaving they way you say she should. Yet, you have never met her!

    If she does indeed have all these issues that cause her to play on the freeway, make poor choices, attract toxic men, it likely stems from some really deep rooted issues that need to be addressed in therapy. Or at the young age of 20 these are mistakes she needs to make on her own and learn her own lessons.

    Talking to some electronic man with alot money and too much time on his hands, who is in sense trying to micromanage her life for her just adds to her long list of poor decision making. It's no surprise she attracted someone like you.
    If she was my daughter, I'd be livid by your interference.
    Please leave this young lady alone.

  10. #29
    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    You make me smile WS. L.

    It's probably why many of us love to chill out by watching an edgy horror/supernatural movie. Saving the damsels from those dratted vampires to whom they are soooo attracted.

    But you are not Van Helsing, are you. (just kidding).
    Lol maybe if I start watching some edgy horrors it will take the edge off to do this again. Hhaha

    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Let her go. She does need to live her life and make her own mistakes. Is it the covid situation that's got you in a bind like this with the two younger women? I understand it's difficult meeting people at the moment. Do you have peers or associates somewhat more on your level?
    Exactly agreed. It's not just covid - I'm generally pretty anti-social. I don't need to be, there are some groups who share the same interests as me. I'll need to start forcing myself to be more social

    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    6 months ago I started talking to a girl online who was having relationship issues with her now ex-boyfriend.
    Ill assume she was in a a relationship when you first started talking? You go from there mentioning you were in a 'quasi relationship. This is a little word salad that basically means you were chatting with someone much younger when you were both otherwise in relationships. Great start!
    Yes. Her boyfriend was cheating on her and I started talking to her about that. I say quasi relationship because it's functionally a relationship although no labels are there. But yes we were effectively both in relationships when we started talking.
    I genuinely did not see her as romantic - that developed over some time - but I always knew that I wouldn't be able to trust someone like her, so I never even considered the idea seriously

    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    From there you develop feelings and go into white knight mode, going as far as giving her ulimatums, arm chair therapy, coercion and getting agitated that she isn't behaving they way you say she should. Yet, you have never met her!
    Exactly correct

    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    If she does indeed have all these issues that cause her to play on the freeway, make poor choices, attract toxic men, it likely stems from some really deep rooted issues that need to be addressed in therapy. Or at the young age of 20 these are mistakes she needs to make on her own and learn her own lessons.
    I understand that exactly. That's why I offered 3-day a week therapy to her, albeit highly inappropriate. Then I realized that learning for herself is best. That's when I stopped talking to her.
    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Talking to some electronic man with alot money and too much time on his hands, who is in sense trying to micromanage her life for her just adds to her long list of poor decision making. It's no surprise she attracted someone like you.
    Her trusting me to always be there for her turned out to be a poor decision indeed. But I wasn't really trying to micromanage her life. I never questioned her about anything she did. I simply told her my boundaries. She was then free to call and interact with me as she pleased. She's the one who volunteered to tell me the truth about what's going on, which I appreciate

    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    If she was my daughter, I'd be livid by your interference.
    Please leave this young lady alone.
    We both know if she was your daughter there wouldn't be much fixing required since you're clearly a competent leader and individual

  11. #30
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by weirdsituati
    We both know if she was your daughter there wouldn't be much fixing required since you're clearly a competent leader and individual
    I offer these blunt words with your best interest at heart, to nudge you into a place of self-reckoning and away from this tetchy place of her-reckoning.

    This sentence of yours highlighted above? Do you see the arrogance in it? Yes, it's couched as a compliment to a poster here, but it's not really that. It's a presumption on your part, about this young woman, about the woman you're responding to, about yourself: what you know and others do not, where you are mature and others are not. Most alarming, at least to my eyes, it still finds a way to validate the very idea—that a human requires "fixing"—that you'd do very well to dispel, unless you are addressing the human that is you.

    Analogy time:

    I'm not a very good basketball player, but I'm 41, six feet tall, very strong, so I'd imagine I could "school" some younger kids on the court. That would be one way, for me, to feel like a good basketball player. But zoom out and what am I doing? I'm just using some kids half my size, kids still learning to play basketball, to give myself an inflated sense of my skillset, my worth. Not cool. Not good for those kids, not good for me. Not a mortal crime in the grand scheme of humanity, but probably not a way worth being, for everyone involved, very long. Everyone's game suffers.

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