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Thread: Helping someone who cannot be helped?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It may be best to focus on why you sought out a parent-child cyber relationship when you already have a "quasi" relationship with someone else. What prompted you to seek this cyber relationship out? What is wrong with your other situation?
    Originally Posted by weirdsituati
    I have a quasi-relationship with someone else around her age.

  2. #12
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Donít be a White Knight for people who donít want help.

  3. #13
    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    The person who needs the therapy is you though.

    Wanting to fix others is avoiding fixing yourself and addressing your own issues.

    Not going to mince words here - your involvement and attempts to control a 20 year old were bordering on creepy. She is not a traumatized damsel in distress or an investment with an ROI for you. She is a typical young 20 year old figuring out herself, dating, her life and direction for herself. Most people that age might talk a lot, but are not serious about relationships and do sleep around, play games, etc. Ditto for guys her age acting....like that age. It doesn't make them some kind of a narcsissist psychopath for telling sweet nothings to get laid. Eventually most people grow up on their own and learn from these experiences. Not your job to attempt to control and parent her or anyone else.

    Bottom line is that take that money and invest it in fixing your own issues and whatever is driving this behavior of yours. It's beyond inappropriate and you are doing a great deal of fantasizing and projecting.
    I acknowledge in the post that I created this situation, implying that I'm the dysfunctional one. I explicitly make the point to defer all responsibility for what happened to me, not her. The rest of your comment is assuming that you know the situation better than I do which is naive. Although your last sentence is very true

  4. #14
    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I think you like being in control -she is vulnerable and "needs" you -so she says- and it's easier that way -it's not a balanced relationship of equals, of give and take so you don't have the upper hand and you know you never have to be vulnerable because she's not available for a relationship.

    I started a friendship with a woman who turned out to be full of drama/train wreck (I originally met her husband through our kids and have much more in common with him but it would have not been appropriate for me to pursue a friendship just with him -and I met his mother too when I first met him -same thing -but that also wasn't a friendship I could pursue) - anyway after one train wreck after another I started to realize - I know she has an illness[es], but at bottom I do not respect her choices. I do not respect her values. I do not support her constant entrepreneurial wild ideas that are child-like and involve roping in friends and acquaintances and spending money they do not have, I do not like how when she's feeling great about life she brags. So I had to hold myself in check -because why was I interacting with someone I didn't respect? I made myself back off -I do not want to be in a situation where I am approved of because I'm there as a sounding board but do not respect the person as an equal. I'm fine with a balanced friendship where at times one friend is much needier than the other -that's life -but I have to respect the person's choices and values at bottom.

    Do you respect this person? Is "anything is possible" -she might -remote possibility -become mature in the future -is that your standard for how you invest your time? Ask yourself why, ask yourself why you like being this person in power who feels so needed and superior -but never has to be truly close or vulnerable.
    I definitely do prefer to have control in relationships yes. As to whether that's preferred to make myself less vulnerable is likely

    I respect her a lot. She's very smart, creative, energetic. I think you make amazing points, it has a lot to do with me needing to feel needed and superior and avoiding vulnerability

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  6. #15
    Originally Posted by Lambert
    Thinking a significant change will lead to a healthy relationship, is not a healthy way to a relationship. Its a project.

    People are not projects. life is not a makeover show where you get to feel good fixing people who did not ask you to fix them.

    you cannot have an honest connection with a person you do not know in real life. Thank your lucky stars this person did not rip you off for the therapy money. Many people will use your kindness and hurt you.

    I suspect that maybe you use your wealth to make people indebted to you so that they won't leave you. you don't have to do that. I think a therapist might be able to help you find your self worth and how to love yourself. because that's what really seems to be the problem from what you said.... finding your worth in what you give others.... is a sure fire way to breaking your own heart.
    This is amazing thank you. I agree people shouldn't be projects

    I know she wouldn't rip me off for the therapy money - and using money to get people indebted to you has the opposite effect in my experience. Most people will become distant and turned off when you buy them things. And I'd 100% never expect someone to return a favor to me because I bought them something

    It has a lot to do with self worth for sure

  7. #16
    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    I agree with you Lambert.

    And this is concerning:

    "I motivated her to pursue a career as a doctor, "

    From your description of her I cannot imagine anyone less suitable for such a career, its duties, requirements and challenges.
    Very good point. Looking back at it logically, it sounds ridiculous

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by weirdsituati
    This is amazing thank you. I agree people shouldn't be projects

    I know she wouldn't rip me off for the therapy money - and using money to get people indebted to you has the opposite effect in my experience. Most people will become distant and turned off when you buy them things. And I'd 100% never expect someone to return a favor to me because I bought them something

    It has a lot to do with self worth for sure
    I understand. I used to think I had to be understanding and accept people as they are. And what ended up happening was, I had a lot of people in my life but they weren't the kind of people I really wanted.

    Which to be honest, is the loneliest type of lonely... lost in a sea of people that don't understand me and don't support the life I want....

    it was hard and it is still hard to this day. I'm still setting boundaries and distancing myself from people I've know for decades.

    but as I'm focusing more on meeting my own needs, better people do seem to be appearing. And frankly, the pandemic has helped close ranks... when this is over some people won't make it back into my wider circle and that's OK.

  9. #18
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It may be best to focus on why you sought out a parent-child cyber relationship when you already have a "quasi" relationship with someone else. What prompted you to seek this cyber relationship out? What is wrong with your other situation?
    Also a really good point. I guess it's feeling a bit dull which caused me to get distracted and eventually started talking to her. So if there's something wrong with it, it's that it's dull

  10. #19
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    And OP, you DID ask. L:

    "What's your take on this situation? "

    So, a question. How do you see yourself getting out of and beyond this "Saviour Syndrome". How about getting involved with people in real life. Healthy people with healthy boundaries who do not need anyone's help.

    You mention "dull". I cannot think of anything duller than this online person/project. Then again the unstable and unhinged of this life can seem kind of excitingly edgy, as they drag you onto the rollercoaster with them. Suddenly you realise you are dealing with a train wreck.
    Thee is a happy medium between "dull" and the train wreck.

  11. #20
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    You both have an unhealthy attachment to each other.

    Time to let her go. She doesn't have the same romantic interest in you, and you are going to get very hurt as you continue to watch her demonstrate that by dating other guys.

    Work on you, and then on meeting a local woman you can develop a healthy relationship with. This is not it.

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