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Thread: Does he just not know what he wants? Was I too needy?

  1. #1

    Does he just not know what he wants? Was I too needy?

    He started off really into me and it was a lot of fun, he wanted to make future plans and he was showing his friends my pictures. He told his family about me ( briefly) . We would hangout 1-2 a week and talk all the time. Things slowed down a bit but I wasnít too worried.
    Then he suddenly just went very cold on me one week, I tried to brush it off. He got a little better and I asked him if he wanted to start hangout more, because I liked him and wanted to see where things could go. HE said yes, I like hangout with you. I miss you.
    Then we hangout and he said heíd been an ass to me, and how he talked about it in therapy. He said he was sorry and had not been giving me the time and attention that I deserve. He was saying wanted to focus on work so basically he wasnít ready for a relationship but was going to get better with communication ect. He said he liked dating me, he liked me, that he wish I lived closer to him, he missed me when I was gone.
    So he did get better and id again only see him 1 a week or every other week because of work or whatever.
    The last time I saw him he was sweet and cute and I thought it was all great between us.
    THEN he suddenly he had excuses for not being able to see me each week, after 3 weeks I was like hey, I know you are busy and everything but I miss you and I havent seen you in awhile. Can we make plans? Even if its just a few hours on a random dayÖ
    He was like yes, I know it has been a while. Blah blah
    WE made in the air plans for the next weekend.
    Well that day comes up and I say hey are we hangout tonight , he said canít caught up with my family. And I said ok, then ill see you tomorrow!
    Then he says idk prob not this is what I was telling you. I donít have time. I know you want to hangout and blah blah but are we really even dating if we never see each other?

    It was a very dragged out break up but he really just blamed it on wanting to only focus on his career, that is career was 1# and he didnít want me to think he was off doing this with other girls. He was really just working or at home cleaning or with his family.
    "it's not you, it's me "



    Also he always would tell me how he will always be honest, that I can always ask him anything anytime, we dated for about 3-4 months. I just donít understand went wrong because heíd be really into it, then hold back some and id be super chill about but and heíd say I can always ask when I want to do something, but then act like its so stressful when I ask to hangout 1 night a week-every other week. HE just stopped putting in effort. But he was so big on having a family someday.
    was it wrong of me to ask for 1 night a week?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I'd say he's just not into you the way you are into him. He could be saying he's busy just to let you down easily, tho it's not easy for you. I say let this go, move on.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    WE made in the air plans for the next weekend.
    Well that day comes up and I say hey are we hangout tonight , he said canít caught up with my family. And I said ok, then ill see you tomorrow!
    Then he says idk prob not this is what I was telling you. I donít have time. I know you want to hangout and blah blah but are we really even dating if we never see each other?


    You were the only one driving the train here. You were the one who checked in with him about the "in the air" plans. When he said no because of family, that should've been the end of your effort. The ball was in his court to ask you to do something. In that way, you gauge the interest of the other person, and if it's not there, why would you be the one to continue with effort when it's not reciprocated. It was also pushy for you to tell him you'd see him tomorrow, then. You hadn't even consulted him about it, and no wonder he came up with excuses. Not that he's any prize.

    Some guys want the fun of a new relationship, but when it's time to go to the next level, they bail because short term was their goal all along, even if they spoke of the future. Or perhaps he decided while "hanging out" with you, that he just wasn't that into you.

    If a relationship is regressing versus progressing, take it as a cue that the person isn't the right one for you. The right guy will make it crystal clear he's into you and you won't have to be nagging, cajoling, and upset about not enough time together. I hope you have a fulfilling life besides dating. Never make a man the sole center of your universe which is too smothering. Good luck in finding someone more compatible.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How long have you been dating? Unfortunately it seems you're correct that he's using the "it's me, not you" excuse to fade out .

    It's best to let it fade and date local guys who want to see you on a regular basis.

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  6. #5
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    He knows what he wants, but lacked the courage to tell you that it isnít you.

    Iím sorry, I know it sucks. I would stop contacting him.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Just stop all contact with him. The reason really doesn't matter. you can do better.

    I know it hurts your feelings. you like him and are disappointed but youre wasting your time.

    you were not asking too much. You were just asking the wrong person.

    Next time, when someone ends things, just let them. People are going to do what they're going to do. sometimes you get hurt... but live and learn. you'll find better and be glad this ended.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Sounds like the usual what burns hot burns out fast situation. He came on very strong and then lost interest, but failed to tell you that directly. Instead he was doing the "busy busy oh so busy, too busy for you" excuse hoping you'll take the hint and fade out or let him fade out.

    A busy person who wants to see you and date you isn't going to talk about how busy they are, instead they will focus on when they can meet you and keep to it.

    You: When can I see you again?
    Him: I have this project due on Monday, will be working all through the weekend, but I'd love to see you on Tuesday or Wednesday if that works for you.

    vs

    You: When can I see you again?
    Him: Gosh you know I'm so busy with work and family stuff and other stuff and I really need to focus on work. I'm just sooooo busyyyyyyy........ I'll...ugh...try to think of something sometime.....but you know I'm just soooo busy.

    When you hear the latter, call it a day and walk away.

  9. #8
    Well he had said Friday Saturday or Sunday. I was busy Friday. So Saturday or Sunday was better. Then the day of (Saturday) he said still with family and I said ok, no problem. See you Sunday then?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by samanthajo
    Well he had said Friday Saturday or Sunday. I was busy Friday. So Saturday or Sunday was better. Then the day of (Saturday) he said still with family and I said ok, no problem. See you Sunday then?
    Yeah, that's the thing - he kept pushing you off and making excuses instead of making time and keeping it. Emphasis on keeping it. Someone who wants to actually see you will make time and do it instead of excuses like "family". Unless a close fam member is in the hospital, he can go on a date with you, he is just choosing not to and keeps pushing you off with vague "busy, need to focus on work" type excuses. Time for you to take the hint and exit this for good. At some point, if you keep on hanging on and trying, you'll lose your self respect. Don't do that to yourself.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Fact: Hot cold people should be avoided at all costs. They cannot have normal relationships. All they do is leave you confused and unfulfilled...get away from him as far as you can....block/delete, move on.

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