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Thread: Does he just not know what he wants? Was I too needy?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Originally Posted by samanthajo
    Then we hangout and he said he’d been an ass to me, and how he talked about it in therapy.
    This would stop me in my tracks. Did he say more about what he talked about in therapy? I don't suspect many or any would be open to discussing the details of what they discussed with their therapist as it's confidential but I think if you've been seeing each other for a few months, you probably already have a good idea of what some of his triggers or issues are. That comment would be a signal to me that something is going off the rails in his mind right there. Something wasn't right about the relationship or he didn't sense that you were the right partner for him in some way.

    This is your cue also to stop and pay attention because this person is clear he's not interested for personal reasons. He's telling you it's about work/life balance but I think, sadly, in this case, it's up to you to read between the lines. The relationship wasn't healthy or he isn't healthy enough to continue one. Both are not what you want in your life either.

    Brush yourself off and consider this a dodged bullet, glass half full, go on your merry way sort of situation. He has said all you needed to know and that is no reflection on him as a person (whether he is good or bad) but it is a very clear indicator that he's not interested in dating you and I'd see this as an unhealthy situation overall. Count this a blessing. You're free to date others who appreciate you.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    New Jersey
    Even times when true simpatico seems to be there at first, time can show us that we're not really as well matched as we first believed.

    This isn't a reflection on you. Once you can grasp that finding the RIGHT match is a needle-in-the-haystack thing, you won't be so hard on yourself. You'll view rejection as speaking of another's limited capacity to see you through the right lens. Best not to twist that to mean that there's some deficiency in you.

    Most people are NOT our match. This isn't a bad thing, it's natural odds. Same is true of friendships--we don't always gel with even the most fabulous people. We just don't share the spark that motivates the kind of effort that real intimacy requires.

    Think of how rare it is to find true friends even while you're able to have more than one of those. Then consider how important it is to hold out for THE right match in a lover when you're monogamous and can only have ONE of those.

    This is why it's important to learn self-acceptance, so you can stand true to yourself regardless of who comes or goes. Nobody is perfect at it, and even small rejections can hurt. But the most self-loving thing you can develop is resilience and an ability to allow wrong matches to pass early.

    Head high, and don't internalize this. You'll thank yourself later.

  3. #13
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2018
    This guy sounds like he was doing the "slow fade." I know, it hurts, but at some point, things weren't working out for him, and rather than telling you, or "officially" breaking up, he just hoped that you would stop trying. It hurts the worst because they put on this aura that they are still very into you, and there are just life circumstances getting in the way. He did "hint" and you did not take the hint (focusing on his career/going cold on you).

    I do not think that one day a week is too much to ask, and you went further in accepting that every other week would be acceptable. This, after you started out with seeing him twice a week, maybe more. It's reasonable to have the same expectation as far as seeing each other. It also normal that the high level of seeing each may drop a bit because you just can't maintain like that long-term, but this guy just completely dropped out. As a prior person mentioned, there should be progression, not regression, even if seeing each other drops a little at first - this is what I consider to be normal in a new relationship, but if things continue forward, you find ways to spend more time together, not less, but of course both people have to be equally invested in the relationship. This guy was not. This guy wasn't into you anymore, but failed to tell you and make a clean break. Instead he was just "busy." You fought it, denied it, and kept trying to salvage what you started out with until eventually, it ended.

    Once a week is not too needy, and expecting more time as the relationship progresses is also not needy.

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