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Thread: Itís complicated

  1. #1

    Itís complicated

    First I need to say Iíve been with someone for 10 years. Iíve been happy, but after a few years began to become unhappy and just felt like Iíve been deteriorating. When we were first together I wanted to better our life. She has never worked in her life. She doesnít really do a whole lot in general for me nor herself. She will make my coffee and lay out some clothes, but never cleans, comes to hug or kiss me.

    She has never done this, maybe in earlier dating years. I am always the one who initiates any kind of intimacy or love. She gets disability and has said she canít really do much and is on a few different medications (which I really donít think is necessary) I used to do drugs but gave up when I met her because it inspired and motivated me to do so and to better mine and her life. She never takes showers. Never is up in daylight to do normal every day things. She suddenly gained an immense fear of driving and doesnít like to even go anywhere alone. I basically feel like Iím taking care of a disabled child.

    What makes matters worse is both of her parents died a year apart from each other. I have tried to be supportive, but I canít even get her to go pick a headstone for them and itís been a year and then she blames me for not taking her? She wakes up at night and randomly will be in different moods. I bought us a house, we have two vehicles. I have given everything I can give physically and emotionally.

    She is two years older than me which isnít much of an age difference. But... there is someone at work I have started to work with and sheís really nice to me and kind of seems like she might like me, but I donít know for sure. Sheís a pretty successful and independent person but she is 10 years younger than I am. I just feel bad for having this kind of ďcrushĒ if you will. Am I wrong for liking this other person? I donít really know them, but the conversations I have when I am with them are fun, but I feel bad for feeling this way about another person. I am not sure what direction I should take. I feel like, I donít even know.

  2. #2
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by littlebones
    She has never worked in her life. She doesnít really do a whole lot in general for me nor herself. She will make my coffee and lay out some clothes, but never cleans, comes to hug or kiss me.

    She has never done this, maybe in earlier dating years. I am always the one who initiates any kind of intimacy or love. She gets disability and has said she canít really do much and is on a few different medications (which I really donít think is necessary). She never takes showers. Never is up in daylight to do normal every day things. She suddenly gained an immense fear of driving and doesnít like to even go anywhere alone. I basically feel like Iím taking care of a disabled child.
    What exactly is her disability? Did she have this disability when you met and started dating?

    Your wife sounds depressed and like she could do with some professional counselling/therapy. I think that would be the first step. If she refuses any professional help, then it may be time for you to think about which way you want to head - stay, or go.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Why is it a miserable situation only becomes intolerable after you become attracted to someone else?
    Purely rhetorical . .

    This has been going downhill for 10 years and it's only when someone else catches your eye you have an issue with it. Because had you both been responsible you would have addressed this years ago. Your wife didn't get to this place on her own. You both contributed to this.

    Is your question about saving your marraige or monkey branching to the coworker?

    How about some counseling for wife and the both of you first?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    If you're unhappy just tell yourself you're unhappy. Call a spade a spade. You don't need to list how inadequate she is in order to get to the juicy bit about meeting a hot coworker. You have two options: 1) working on the relationship and remaining committed or 2) ending it to pursue a new chapter.

    Staying single for awhile is probably your best option if you choose to split. It won't do you any favours dating someone new right now.

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  6. #5
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    I think when you start entertaining the idea of other people seriously thatís when you know itís over. I just donít think moving onto someone else is the answer. Quite frankly if youíre unhappy with her anybody new that comes along will seem better. Time to move on if you must but try remaining single because nobody wants to be a rebound.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I have to agree with the others... its quite convenient you find your situation unbearable, now that you set your eyes on someone else.

    However, if you are unhappy, whatever prompted it, here you are.

    I will agree from what you wrote, it is not the best with your wife. But at the same time, you set this up this way. People do get complacent, even lazy when no effort is required in so many areas.

    However, it sounds like it's more...Not showering, not having any interest, sleep disorders, fear of driving etc are mental conditions. She needs help.

    Only you know what you want to do... but are you considering leaving her?

  8. #7
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    The most useful thing about crushes is how they bring our attention to things we want but maybe donít realise we want on a conscious level.

    Having the crush feelings is fine, acting on them would be unforgivable. One thing is for certain, your relationship as it currently is is no longer working for you. If youíd like to try and save it itís time for the most awkward conversation where you sit down with your wife and maybe say something like ĎI feel like I carry this relationship and household solo and being placed in the roll of caring for you for an extended period of time is not working for me any more. I feel like I would like x and y and z to change. This is what my ideal relationship would look like, I would love to know what your ideal relationship would look like. And would you like to sit down with me and work on strengthening our relationship together by making changes that increase the overlap between your ideal relationship and mine?í

    She might say no, she might say yes, she might say yes but when you see what she wants your wants might be too far apart to make a workable relationship. She might say yes letís work on it but then not do the work. Or she might make the changes and your attraction might not come back. At the end of the day if it doesnít itís time to end this and be single long enough to remember who you are.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by littlebones
    Am I wrong for liking this other person?
    You are not wrong to have a crush. It happens. And sometimes they force us to confront the things we've been reluctant to acknowledge in our relationships.

    Acting on the crush would be wrong, though, yes. You need to put some space between yourself and this woman, so you can figure out what to do with your partner. She sounds profoundly depressed, and I imagine the deaths of her parents have hit her very hard. Is she willing to seek any sort of counselling?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Having a work crush happens and is not. "wrong". What's wrong is suddenly demonizing a disabled person as a lazy drug abuser to facilitate your plans to eventually cheat.

    You have to ask yourself what you are getting out of "taking care of a child" and complaining about all the love you are supposedly missing out on.

    Depicting yourself as an altruistic victim is a very common prerequisite for cheaters.

    If you're so unhappy, move out and date other people.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Having a work crush happens and is not. "wrong". What's wrong is suddenly demonizing a disabled person as a lazy drug abuser to facilitate your plans to eventually cheat.

    You have to ask yourself what you are getting out of "taking care of a child" and complaining about all the love you are supposedly missing out on.

    Depicting yourself as an altruistic victim is a very common prerequisite for cheaters.

    If you're so unhappy, move out and date other people.
    I very much agree!

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