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Thread: I feel like a total a hole and crazy.

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Welcome. I see you posting around on the other threads also which is nice.

    Why does your family feel so strongly about your boyfriend? I'm also wondering if it's because of the pressure from them that you feel you need to choose one or the other. I am starting to think that it's not having that healthy distance from family members that's clouding your judgment about your current relationship. All of it combined appears to be pushing you to ditch it all (I know the feeling).

    Have you talked with your boyfriend about focusing on the relationship in a more meaningful way? The way I see it is - you can progress and grow as an individual and keep raising your son single. Or you can choose to also progress and grow in your relationship with your boyfriend. Both of them aren't wrong paths. They're just different ways of maturing and different choices made, depending on what you value or what you need more of. Just because you choose to stay in your relationship it shouldn't also mean that you're giving up parts of yourself indefinitely. A healthy relationship should nurture respect, love and kindness and inspire both of you to be more of what you already are.

    Your heart has to be in it without any outside pressures and a conscious decision made by you. I think too often individuals look for signs from the sky or the universe on whether people or situations are good for them. I don't believe in all that. It has to come from you and your convictions or what that person or event means to you. Dig deeper if you can. I think you owe it to yourself. You don't have to pretend anymore and you can choose not to live a life of someone else. Live your own chosen life as in you choosing every single thing that is in it. I don't know about anyone else but life is much sweeter that way.
    In a way moving out of state feels like a start over for me that I need.

    My family feels strongly about my boyfriend because he's been there for me for years now. He's cared about the things I've been going through and has made such an effort to be there, spend time with my child, and also develop a relationship with my family. Which I did not have prior to meeting him with any other boyfriend's. My son's father was immature when I dated him, and treated our relationship as something disposable whenever he felt like it was. It was unhealthy. So being with my current boyfriend was a huge change from that. I'm assuming it was such a big change to the point where even my family sees that.

    What you said about not having healthy distance from family members is clouding my judgement is spot on. The inside and outside of my relationship feels like it's on a platter for everyone to pick at. This is coming from my family and his family. Considering my boyfriend used to confide to his family about almost every little thing we were dealing with so they made this judgement about us being together. I don't really tell my family much, I'm pretty reserved when it comes to my emotions and things I deal with, but living with my family they see everything. It makes it hard to have privacy when it comes to my relationship.

    Considering what you said about choosing to be single and raise my son or choosing to grow in my relationship are my options. Something I would like to add is, when I wasn't dating him and I was dating the guy who is the fwb person. I had more time to myself, more time to spend with my friends, my son, which made sense because it was long distance so I saw him a lot less. In that relationship compared to my current relationship is, he opened my mind to things outside of my everyday bubble. I felt like I was able to see life in a different perspective, one that made me feel like there was more to life than all my home life problems and just this dark cloud that was over me for so long because of those problems. I felt like there was no rush to find a person to be with for the rest of my life, no rush to get married, or rush to have more children. Because he wanted to wait later in his life to do those things, and reminded me to just enjoy the moment. I felt like I could be me and just enjoy what I had and also reach for things out of my comfort zone. Which he encouraged a lot. My current boyfriend and I, ever since we met I've felt this pressure to have everything right, have it all sorted out, know that this is the person I have to spend the rest of my life with. Which makes me so scared.

    The reason why it makes me scared is because I had my son really young and because I had him so young I had to grow up very quickly and make adult decisions I wasn't ready for. Now being an adult, I feel like my family looks at me as if I have to make decisions like having a potential husband right now because I have my kid and also since I've been with someone for a period of time now. My current boyfriend supports the fact that I want to wait for things like marriage and having more children but I feel like he's impulsive. And because he's impulsive it brings out this side of me that goes against that aspect of myself that wants to not have pressure over things like marriage and children. When I dig deep into myself, I want to take my time, focus on the big steps like marriage, more children in life some other time, not right now.

    And what you said about individuals looking for answers from the sky, is something I'm guilty of doing.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Can you speak to him frankly about this? I think the relationship is worth saving if you can be honest with one another. I think most of this is also about you and how pressured you feel or possible misconceptions. What if he doesn't want to have kids or settle down but he thinks that that's what he ought to do?

    If he's pushy, aggressive or abusive or belittles you because you think one way and he thinks another way it's one thing but if you're both not quite communicating very clearly, I think it's worth doing so. Can you tell him what you said here? Especially this part:

    When I dig deep into myself, I want to take my time, focus on the big steps like marriage, more children in life some other time, not right now.





  3. #33
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Can you speak to him frankly about this? I think the relationship is worth saving if you can be honest with one another. I think most of this is also about you and how pressured you feel or possible misconceptions. What if he doesn't want to have kids or settle down but he thinks that that's what he ought to do?

    If he's pushy, aggressive or abusive or belittles you because you think one way and he thinks another way it's one thing but if you're both not quite communicating very clearly, I think it's worth doing so. Can you tell him what you said here? Especially this part:





    Hi Rose, thank you for that.
    So I've read what you said a couple of days ago, I gave it some thought and realized I need to separate from my boyfriend maybe go on a break and see how that goes. Figure out whether I really have it in me to want to try to put effort in the relationship.

  4. #34
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by celiamarie
    Hi Rose, thank you for that.
    So I've read what you said a couple of days ago, I gave it some thought and realized I need to separate from my boyfriend maybe go on a break and see how that goes. Figure out whether I really have it in me to want to try to put effort in the relationship.
    That makes sense too. Breaks can do more damage than the relationship itself as on/off relationships don't bode well in the long term and trust is broken especially if the break isn't mutual. Whatever you decide of course is your decision... I would be prepared to make it final without the thought of revisiting this in the future. It's kinder to the other person too. If he has strong feelings for you or wants to be with you it means he isn't waiting for you to make up your mind about whether you want to spend a life with him if this isn't what you want deep down.

    Having the idea of this relationship as a comfort to fall back on may also prevent you from taking healthy risks forward, meaning starting a new life with someone new who's worthy of your time and able to reciprocate care or love when you are ready to also. I'd think about ending this cleanly as a real option, the most ideal option, if you are going to move forward and separate.

    Good for you for knowing what you need.

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  6. #35
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    A clean breakup would be much less cruel than a "break". A "break" is basically saying "I don't know if I want to be with you. Can you please wait in limbo while I decide if I really want you or not?" And from what I've observed, most "breaks" end up in a breakup eventually anyway.

  7. #36
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    I entirely agree Bolt.

    "A clean breakup would be much less cruel than a "break". A "break" is basically saying "I don't know if I want to be with you. Can you please wait in limbo while I decide if I really want you or not?" And from what I've observed, most "breaks" end up in a breakup eventually anyway."

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