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Thread: I feel like a total a hole and crazy.

  1. #21
    Silver Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by camus154
    I think this says it all.
    That also struck me too. Can you elaborate, OP?

    Also you mentioned the second guy felt like you were too financially dependent. Can you elaborate?

    It appears you know that you have some work to do on yourself but your with someone or using someone as a security blanket and on top of that you have this guy who wants to be fwb with you (but also called you financially dependent) stuck in your head. Are you sure you're in a headspace to even have a healthy and loving relationship?

    I would also advise you not to listen to your family if they are pressuring you to do or be something you're not happy with. Parents don't always know what's best.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by LootieTootie
    That also struck me too. Can you elaborate, OP?

    Also you mentioned the second guy felt like you were too financially dependent. Can you elaborate?

    It appears you know that you have some work to do on yourself but your with someone or using someone as a security blanket and on top of that you have this guy who wants to be fwb with you (but also called you financially dependent) stuck in your head. Are you sure you're in a headspace to even have a healthy and loving relationship?

    I would also advise you not to listen to your family if they are pressuring you to do or be something you're not happy with. Parents don't always know what's best.
    Hi, thank you for your response. So to answer your questions... I have a lot of things that go on in my personal life, home life, and the guy who I briefly dated felt like I was too dependent on him. Because I would come to him with any problems or issues I was having. He thought that by me doing that, that I assumed he would fix everything which was not true at all. I just wanted someone to listen. So he never said I was financially dependent on him, it was in his words "emotionally dependent". I think I do have inner things about myself that needs work. I know I'm capable of loving someone and putting my all into a relationship but I think the problem is, and a user who responded to this post said it as well, that I need to be right with myself.

    I wanted to add, the guy who wanted to be fwb, he was really respectful of me declining that offer, part of me thinks that maybe the reason he brought that up was because I kept brushing off hanging out with him even when he had his child with him. Or possibly the reason he brought fwb up was because he saw I wasn't making any effort to see him so it was his way of like trying to see what I wanted? Especially because when we broke up, he would message me occasionally to see how I was doing even when he knew I didn't want to talk to him. Because when we broke up, I was mad at him for how he handled the break up. I found out in a bad way. Which he did apologize for but it mini broke my heart which took me a couple of months to finally move on from being upset about it.
    Last edited by celiamarie; 11-10-2020 at 11:37 AM.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by camus154
    I think this says it all.
    Hi thank you for your response. Can you please explain what you mean? I'm asking because I always assumed that when people look for a boyfriend or potential husband that they would always seek to find someone who is similar to them and have the same interests.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Absolutely not Celia.

    " I'm asking because I always assumed that when people look for a boyfriend or potential husband that they would always seek to find someone who is similar to them and have the same interests."

    There certainly has to be common ground, and maybe certain interests in common, including a common project, while also pursuing individual interests and being one's own "self".

  5.  

  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    Absolutely not Celia.

    " I'm asking because I always assumed that when people look for a boyfriend or potential husband that they would always seek to find someone who is similar to them and have the same interests."

    There certainly has to be common ground, and maybe certain interests in common, including a common project, while also pursuing individual interests and being one's own "self".
    Thank you for that, I really like how you explained that. I never really thought about it that way.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by Capricorn3
    ENA Forum Rules. - Rule # 6: ........."Please post in letter style. Use paragraphs, punctuation, and capital letters appropriately. Netspeak and shortcutting (b4, str8, etc) are difficult to read and not permitted in posts."

    Thanks.
    Okay, noted for next time I post. Thanks

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by celiamarie
    Hi, thank you for your response. So to answer your questions... I have a lot of things that go on in my personal life, home life, and the guy who I briefly dated felt like I was too dependent on him. Because I would come to him with any problems or issues I was having. He thought that by me doing that, that I assumed he would fix everything which was not true at all. I just wanted someone to listen. So he never said I was financially dependent on him, it was in his words "emotionally dependent". I think I do have inner things about myself that needs work. I know I'm capable of loving someone and putting my all into a relationship but I think the problem is, and a user who responded to this post said it as well, that I need to be right with myself.

    I wanted to add, the guy who wanted to be fwb, he was really respectful of me declining that offer, part of me thinks that maybe the reason he brought that up was because I kept brushing off hanging out with him even when he had his child with him. Or possibly the reason he brought fwb up was because he saw I wasn't making any effort to see him so it was his way of like trying to see what I wanted? Especially because when we broke up, he would message me occasionally to see how I was doing even when he knew I didn't want to talk to him. Because when we broke up, I was mad at him for how he handled the break up. I found out in a bad way. Which he did apologize for but it mini broke my heart which took me a couple of months to finally move on from being upset about it.
    Fwb ex has a girlfriend now though. He's off the table if you move back closer to your father. Think of him as a nice thought, someone you've known and have fun with it. Don't go beyond that as that chapter is done and closed. If he's single again you can revisit that.

    Have you decided what to do with your current relationship?

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Fwb ex has a girlfriend now though. He's off the table if you move back closer to your father. Think of him as a nice thought, someone you've known and have fun with it. Don't go beyond that as that chapter is done and closed. If he's single again you can revisit that.

    Have you decided what to do with your current relationship?
    Hi Rose,

    I really appreciate your responses and advice. To respond to what you said, I figured if I move out of state closer to where my father lives, that if there was ever a possibility that I ran into him again then maybe I'd talk to him, friendly. But I don't have the intention to go out of my way to try to reconnect with him especially because he's in a relationship. I respect that, and I also have responsibilities that I really want to focus a bit more on, including my own self growth.

    I haven't completely decided what I'm going to do about my current relationship. My current boyfriend mentioned to me last night that if I want to move by myself that he understands that decision. Even though I've known him for over 3 years and we've been together a lot within those years, I understand the next step in a relationship would be finding a place together. I told him that I don't think I'm ready to be with someone that way and share certain things in my life with someone else.

    I think I feel that way because I have a big family and also I've never fully had a long period of time away from being in a relationship. It's almost like I've been suffocated by those two things. I never really had my own space, or my own quiet time unless it was away from home. I've raised my child with so many people in my house and in a way I kind of just want to be alone with my child. Raise him without someone on my back putting more responsibilities on me that are not mine to take care of. Which I've been doing for years, and it's caused me so much stress that my health has gotten bad. I mean right now I'm doing better than I was a couple of months ago when it comes to my health but still, it affected me negatively.

    My family makes me feel guilty for wanting to do something that does not involve my boyfriend. For example, moving without him. It really bothers me and I know I shouldn't let it but makes me think that if no one supports or respects that decision, does that mean its a wrong decision that I'm making?

  10. #29
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Celia:

    This:

    "..but makes me think that if no one supports or respects that decision, does that mean its a wrong decision that I'm making?"



    The fast answer is NO.

    First of all anyone who makes you feel guilty cannot be described as supportive, and secondly, none of these people are infallible.

    Make your own decision.

    Ponder this:

    "it's caused me so much stress that my health has gotten bad"

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Welcome. I see you posting around on the other threads also which is nice.

    Why does your family feel so strongly about your boyfriend? I'm also wondering if it's because of the pressure from them that you feel you need to choose one or the other. I am starting to think that it's not having that healthy distance from family members that's clouding your judgment about your current relationship. All of it combined appears to be pushing you to ditch it all (I know the feeling).

    Have you talked with your boyfriend about focusing on the relationship in a more meaningful way? The way I see it is - you can progress and grow as an individual and keep raising your son single. Or you can choose to also progress and grow in your relationship with your boyfriend. Both of them aren't wrong paths. They're just different ways of maturing and different choices made, depending on what you value or what you need more of. Just because you choose to stay in your relationship it shouldn't also mean that you're giving up parts of yourself indefinitely. A healthy relationship should nurture respect, love and kindness and inspire both of you to be more of what you already are.

    Your heart has to be in it without any outside pressures and a conscious decision made by you. I think too often individuals look for signs from the sky or the universe on whether people or situations are good for them. I don't believe in all that. It has to come from you and your convictions or what that person or event means to you. Dig deeper if you can. I think you owe it to yourself. You don't have to pretend anymore and you can choose not to live a life of someone else. Live your own chosen life as in you choosing every single thing that is in it. I don't know about anyone else but life is much sweeter that way.

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