Is it bad to just give up on the day?

To be honest, I don't even know what the heck is going on right now. Yesterday, we had a great day and night.

Well, this morning, it kinda started off weird from the get-go. We talked last night about maybe having sex in the morning, and I was actually really game, but instead he got up early and went downstairs. So, okay. Then I started to clean up the kitchen from last night, as I usually do.. and, I grabbed the air fryer to return it to the basement and he kinda stuttered.. and then I realized we needed it for lunch today. It's a thing for him to get frustrated with me when I am forgetful. But even more hilarious is I was just trying to be a more tidy person by putting it away, because he has also come down on me for being messy.

His attitude in his words start, because already there is tension over the stupid air fryer. I wish I could stop myself from being so sensitive and just having every bad feeling come flooding back when situations like this happen.

Then, we come to find out that draft kings suspended his account because I loaded money onto it from my bank and the account info didn't match his name. So, I think he got frustrated over that. He said (and it's true), there's no way either of us could have known it was against terms of service. But he was just being really rude and kinda sarcastic toward me. So I stopped talking. He stopped talking as well.

It's awkward to be in a room with tension and silence so I left to be alone. He mentions im not taking to him. I say you're not talking to me. He says, well you're on your phone all the time (no I'm not, but today i am because I'm bored). I say that I'm upset because he was rude to me. He doesn't say anything.

It takes 2 hours later and the same conversation fir him to atleast apologize, but he does so in a way I feel us insincere.

I get more angry because he is seemingly doing nothing to remedy this. I get stubborn and declare to myself that I will not be the bigger person. We spend the day not really talking and sort of doing our own thing.

He left to go upstairs and didn't say anything. Didn't realize that he had decided to go to bed until he didn't come back.

Grabbed my pillow and I'm now on the couch for bed. Ya know.. since we're just leaving/doing things without telling each other now.

I'm hoping tomorrow gives us an opportunity to talk. I gave up on this day a long time ago.

Is this normal behaviour (from both of you) in your relationship? If so, I would say you two are incompatible and maybe time to rethink the relationship and call it quits. There seems to be so much tension in the air one can hardly breathe. Certainly not conducive to making a happy relationship. As an outsider looking in, I would walk. I would not have time, nor patience, nor energy to live in such a negative environment (but that's just me).

Sounds like a mountain is being made of a mole hill. Some stubborn immature behavior on both sides to end what was an otherwise nice weekend. I'd go in the bedroom and sleep in the bed with him. Make amends.

Are you supporting this guy? It would be helpful if you would give more history?

How old are you two? 12? The level of nonsense is high. Fussing over an air fryer you were going to put away. Big deal, just go get it and put it back in the kitchen. Not worth an iota of tension or anger.

Sounds like you are incompatible with each other.

I would guess there are far more serious problems in your relationship than an air fryer. That is a symptom of deep resentment and frustration with each other.

Are you often this tense? What is the backstory here?

Your number 1 focus should be obtaining gainful employment and getting Out of his house.

Stop topping up his games with your cards. Keep finances separate. Pay your share until you can move back home.

Living in his place isn't working. It's been fraught with abuse. Just get a job and get out.

I wouldn't just give up on the day, I'd give up on the relationship.

Everything in this relationship sounds like a frickin booby trap.

Who gets angry about an air fryer?

Why do you want to live with this person? How can you ever feel comfortable?

Is it bad to just give up on the day?

I don't really understand what this means.

I agree with Wiseman. I'm going to skip to the question and just say it's okay to go your separate ways but ultimately if it keeps happening the relationship won't survive. It's a very slow death even if the both of you do still have good times together or are able to laugh and function in other ways.

This relationship has been full of conflict for at least a little over a year. According to your posting history, this started way before Covid was a thing.

I always feel like my home should be a peaceful sanctuary. One main reason why I chose to divorce my husband was because home felt like a war zone. Not always active battles but always a sense of unease and disharmony.

Don't you want your home to be peaceful and comfortable? The two of you are an incompatible combination, at least from what you've written over the past year and some odd months.

So just to give background for those asking, we have been together 3 years now (almost to the day actually), but just started having problems this past year, give or take.

I mean it when I say this is the best relationship I've been in so far. I've grown as a person and learned a lot about myself. That being said, I am increasingly believing that I'm being gaslighted. He can be so rude and sarcastic but he refuses to see it and will often deny doing it. Just today when we had a talk, he hit me with a barrage of "you" statements. You are this, you never do this, you need to do this, you're always this. And after he was done, tried to repeat back to him what he just said and he claimed he never said any of that. I feel insane, like I need to start recording our conversations, because he will often deny saying something that he indeed has.

At the same time, I have become hyper sensitive, reacting to the slightest twitch in his face. I will sometimes bring things up in a resentful way because I am still hurting from past situations with him, for which he criticizes how i "hold onto things" for so long. I do not know how to let go of hurt. I am also extremely insecure at most times and always looking for approval.

I am starting to ask the tough questions like, is this what you want? Are you happy? Etc.

I will research ways to facilitate a conversation between us because that is getting in the way of solving our problems. We are both acting like kids, you are right. So I will do my due diligence to try to fix it, but honestly.. if he doesnt participate or take it seriously, i know i need to choose my own happiness and sanity.

And just to be clear, my employment is not keeping me tied to him. I am not financially supporting him or vice versa, though we do share the bills and living expenses. And the house is mine, I would not be the one leaving.

The question is, are conflict resolution skills this non existent, something you want in a partner?

Part of dating is learning how you work together and from what you describe this sounds like you’ve learnt you don’t work together.

I mean it when I say this is the best relationship I've been in so far. I am increasingly believing that I'm being gaslighted. He can be so rude and sarcastic but he refuses to see it and will often deny doing it. Just today when we had a talk, he hit me with a barrage of "you" statements. You are this, you never do this, you need to do this, you're always this. And after he was done, tried to repeat back to him what he just said and he claimed he never said any of that. I feel insane, like I need to start recording our conversations, because he will often deny saying something that he indeed has..

The best so far? That's pretty scary. Just an observation ... but if this is the best relationship you have ever had so far (and almost all your past relationships have been pretty bad), would you say that your picker is off? What draws you to these dysfunctional partners? Is it low self-esteem? Fear of being alone? Something to think about.

Time to up your game and find decent guys who respect you and treat you well.

Ok, excellent you have clearly defined mental abuse replete with gaslighting, "feeling like you're insane", etc.

However, you are deciding to stay in the cycle of abusive hoping you can change him and fix it.

Can you afford the house on your own? What's the real reason you allow this, knowing about and clearly defining the abuse?

my employment is not keeping me tied to him. I am not financially supporting him or vice versa, though we do share the bills and living expenses. And the house is mine, I would not be the one leaving.

Just today when we had a talk, he hit me with a barrage of "you" statements. You are this, you never do this, you need to do this, you're always this. And after he was done, tried to repeat back to him what he just said and he claimed he never said any of that. I feel insane, like I need to start recording our conversations, because he will often deny saying something that he indeed has.

I think it may help you to record your conversations. Don't play them back for him though; keep them for yourself.

I did this a couple years ago, when I had a horrible boss who would gaslight me. He fluctuated from being super mean to super kind, and on top of that was a huge liar who would pin his mistakes on other people.

I set up my phone so that the screen was always on and the voice memo software was ready to go. I made sure it was in easy reach, out of his line of sight, and when I saw him coming, I'd quickly hit record.

I recorded him for months, and probably have 100 recordings of him, but I only ever played one or two back to myself because it only took that many to confirm that I wasn't crazy and he was an assh*le.

One or two recordings is all I needed to hear. It made me feel so much better.

Ok, excellent you have clearly defined mental abuse replete with gaslighting, "feeling like you're insane", etc.

However, you are deciding to stay in the cycle of abusive hoping you can change him and fix it.

Can you afford the house on your own? What's the real reason you allow this, knowing about and clearly defining the abuse?

What's keeping me with him is probably several things. A) I still love him very much. B) I have a tendency to be stubborn/unwilling to give up on things C) It's hard to pick him apart as having negative personality traits when I know damn well I have my own as well D) TO be honest.. yes, I am a little scared and unwilling to call things off. I love his family very much and the thought of losing them kills me. The thought of entering the shark tank known as the dating world is also unpleasant. I realize that last statement is no reason to stay in a bad relationship, but it's just how I feel.

Yes, I can afford where I am without him. I did it with or without my ex-fiance. I did it without this new boyfriend before he came along.

I am aware that I sound like a broken record, however. I recall myself saying the same things with my ex, that I was going to "really try before I give up", but then I grew complacent and time just passed by without any progress at all. I just put it on the back burner and ignored it. I cannot do that this time. Sorry for him, but my everlasting patience now has a time limit after what I've been through.

We will have a talk tonight hopefully, where the very important questions of "do you want to continue this relationship" will be asked. And the very important statements of "here's what I need for us to continue to be together" will be said. Honestly, in the back of my mind I really do think the insanity of 2020/coronavirus/quarantine/unemployment is to blame for a lot.

It's hard to pick him apart as having negative personality traits when I know damn well I have my own as well

Yes, but this may not be an apples to apples comparison. Being forgetful and messy doesn't justify rudeness, sarcasm, and/or gas lighting. One is a state of being. The other is active abuse.

Honestly, in the back of my mind I really do think the insanity of 2020/coronavirus/quarantine/unemployment is to blame for a lot.

I don't think this is an excuse, honestly. My boyfriend and I have been weathering the same. Being together like this has made us as happy as two peas in a pod.

Talk and talk and talk....and nothing changes.

Quark.....the writing has been on the wall that this relationship ended a year ago. This past year has been a nightmare because either he is finally showing you his true colors knowing that you are too hooked to dump him OR he is that special kind of a coward who will treat you increasingly worse and more abusive to the point of unbearable because he wants you to be the "bad" guy who finally ends the relationship. There is another term for the latter - sadistic torment. Your refusal to let go is working heavily against you.

You say that you are stubborn, I say that you are severely codependent. You have a history if having trouble letting go of toxic relationships and being in denial about how toxic they are. This current situation is a good example of you talking out of both sides of your mouth - best relationship ever followed by a clear description of abuse. That's codependence at work and something you really need to work on fixing within yourself before you ever consider dating again. Forget dating. Get rid of this guy and be single and get your head screwed on straight and really really work hard on that. Fix that picker and learn how to let go when you see bad happening.

entering the shark tank known as the dating world is also unpleasant.

Come on now.. not everyone is that bad. ;)

Hope you feel better soon.

Okay, so I realize to some that it looks like I am trying to save a sinking boat by taking water out with a solo cup. BUT - am I crazy to think that even with a year dotted with conflicts, it's not a lost hope? Of course it's been that long because we have not done anything to fix any problems, and it's now festered which has caused new, snowballing problems.

I am just curious how many of you here have ever sought couples therapy or self help and how it worked out? Surely there are couples with much worse who have saved their relationship. It's not impossible (but, you do have to be realistic.. I understand that). I am continually baffled by how many people here advise to just give up.

I think people encourage giving up, to use your sinking ship analogy, once safely on the shore, we see how much of ourselves we lost trying to keep that sunk ship afloat.

A relationship can only be saved with equal effort and desire. And many times one person is blind to how much they are giving and not receiving... it becomes an ego thing to save it.

Honestly, three years in, one year of conflict. is probably pretty normal for a failed relationship. With time the honey moon is over and the cracks start. The incompatibilities start to not only show but are destroying the intimacy.

Is your hope to marry sometime? this guy?

Okay, so I realize to some that it looks like I am trying to save a sinking boat by taking water out with a solo cup. BUT - am I crazy to think that even with a year dotted with conflicts, it's not a lost hope? Of course it's been that long because we have not done anything to fix any problems, and it's now festered which has caused new, snowballing problems.

 

I am just curious how many of you here have ever sought couples therapy or self help and how it worked out? Surely there are couples with much worse who have saved their relationship. It's not impossible (but, you do have to be realistic.. I understand that). I am continually baffled by how many people here advise to just give up.

Couples therapy is for those who've been married for years, have children, mortgages, built a life together and while the marriage was mostly good, they've encountered some rough waters that they don't know how to fix themselves or simply need some outside neutral help to sort their issues.

If you are dating someone and think you need therapy to fix your relationship...that's your flashing neon sign that you are with someone who is not compatible. A person you shouldn't actually be with. The more time you waste on someone who is not compatible with you trying to pound that square peg into that round hole, the less time you have left to meet the right person and have a healthy loving relationship. A sane relationship.

People advise to give up because it's easy to see a sinking ship when you are not emotionally involved. Plus most people have been in your shoes at one point or another and have learned the hard way that you really do need to walk away and the faster the better. Pounding that square peg does not end well.

I would not say you are "crazy" to have hope. You're a human, and we swirl around. I'm just not sure your motivations here, in terms of wanting it "fix" everything, are the sort of fuel that makes for harmony, internal or mutually shared. If it's about stubbornness, fear of being back in the shark tank, wanting to "prove" you can do this "right" after doing it less than right in the past, and so on—well, where's the heart? That's all ego, all edge. Lean into it and it just gets sharper.

I understand that you're writing here in a state of heightened frustration, so we're only getting a pinhole camera exposure of your emotional spectrum. Still, the mood in your writing—and this goes back a year—is quite turbulent, resentment-tinged. Is that you? Or is that who you've become three years into this relationship? I put it like that to put him, momentarily, to the side and encourage you to take stock of your own spirit. That's what should be the barometer here, and what motivates you: protecting it, cherishing it, cultivating it, keeping it open and free. Can that be done, with and alongside him? Can you see, sincerely, a path there?

Because if you can't? How on earth can you even "test" if there's another chapter of harmony here, if this is a "bad year" in an otherwise good story? You need to be able to present to him—in words, sure, but also in action, in attitude—the path you want to walk. He'll see it, or he won't. Certainly sounds like he, like you, has also lost focus on his heart, is consumed by ego. Not promising. One of you needs to find a way to stand down, and stand taller, and then see if that can be a shared experience. Odds sound slim, frankly. But if you approach it like that it's a win-win. You may come out of it "alone," which is always a possibility, but you're standing straight.

I personally don't like terms like "fixing" or "saving" when it comes to relationships, and don't really like the idea of therapy—individual or couples—to be about those things. Too pressurized, too shame-driven. Relationships—with others, with ourselves—are organic, not mechanic. I know myself, for instance, and I know I'm hardwired to confront issues in the pursuit of growth and harmony, and that I have a very high threshold for discomfort, emotional and physical. As such, I'll put up with some nasty stretches without getting too out of whack, no different than how I am in other realms of my life. I'll lean into faith. But I also know there is a point where I'm incapable of faking it, when my faith as eroded, at which point I'll cut bait. This has generally served me well. I'm 41 and have spent less than a year of my life in a miserable relationship, though there have been some miserable stretches, no doubt.

If I was running a business and, after two profitable years, I experienced a year of straight loss, regardless of my efforts to turn it around, I would set myself a time line of how much longer I was willing to go into debt. At that point there wouldn't be a ton of time—maybe two months? I like to eat, to sleep well, and can't do those things if my business is failing. So maybe think of it in those terms? A bit pragmatic, yeah, but sometimes pragmatism is need to throw cold water on the fire of emotions, to actually be healthy rather than hope for health in a world of hurt.

Fully agree BlueC.

"sometimes pragmatism is needed to throw cold water on the fire of emotions, to actually be healthy rather than hope for health in a world of hurt."