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Thread: Consistent conflict for months..

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's your job to undo your mistakes of jumping in with way too much,way too soon.

    You are the one who has to change, you can't change other people.

    That means stop the nonsense of thinking breaks and couples therapy is appropriate. It means making a clean break and moving out.

    It's your responsibility to make the necessary changes in your life. Don't waste it playing house after 3 mos. with sleazy characters like this.

    You're a victim of your own bad judgement.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Clownybaby
    He takes care of me, so I donít think heís taking advantage exactly.
    That is the simplistic reasoning of an inexperienced young woman and exactly what he is taking advantage of.

    Originally Posted by Clownybaby
    We want to work on it - and it will definitely take time.
    I'm sorry to tell you this, but it will take eternity. Hell will freeze over, pigs will be flying, and you will both be dead before he changes his nature. This is not something to fix. This is what he is.

    Originally Posted by Clownybaby
    I just canít manage to get over the anger and resentment I feel over the decisions he made against me and us so many times... it makes me feel so lonely.
    Get used to it. This is your life now.

    Originally Posted by Clownybaby
    itís just hard for me to trust it because heís already lied about things related.
    This is the part of yourself that you should be listening to. I hope you start soon and leave this situation in the rearview mirror, a tiny blip on the path your life takes.

  3. #13
    It's your job to undo your mistakes of jumping in with way too much,way too soon.

    You are the one who has to change, you can't change other people.

    That means stop the nonsense of thinking breaks and couples therapy is appropriate. It means making a clean break and moving out.

    It's your responsibility to make the necessary changes in your life. Don't waste it playing house after 3 mos. with sleazy characters like this.

    You're a victim of your own bad judgement.


    Telling me Iím at fault for any of this is insane. Iím not. Bad decisions were made and thatís that. If yíall donít understand that sometimes when building a foundation, pieces get placed wrong, and it will fall, but it can always be rebuilt. Your relationships have no hope either.
    Therapy was his suggestion. I suggested time apart, where heíll be staying with his parents. If the time we set doesnít feel long enough to ME then weíll make it longer. We are going to work through it and give what we can. Iím smart enough to know that if anything happens again itís over and I choose for myself to end it because it will have been his choice to hurt me & Iíll be positive I donít mean as much as I thought. With love comes forgiveness upon forgiveness. You cannot be bitter. Mistakes will be made, and we choose to go about fixing those mistakes - and forgiving them. Otherwise whatís the point being w someone in the first place? Nobodyís ďplaying houseĒ we made this decision together because it was what was right, still is. I was in a bad situation at my home and he helped me to blossom from that. Somewhere along the lines his judgement got cloudy, and he messed up. Weíre people. We choose to forgive who and what we want to forgive and I myself am choosing to work towards that forgiveness for him. He does know though that if it happens again weíll never see each other again & Iíll just leave without warning, the apartment will be empty because almost everything in it is mine - and he will know why.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    CB.

    What Cerlyn said:

    "There is zero respect and no future with him. That's your harsh reality check. I'm sorry. He's a liar and you can never trust him."

    And what Jibralta said:

    "I'm sorry to tell you this, but it will take eternity. Hell will freeze over, pigs will be flying, and you will both be dead before he changes his nature. This is not something to fix. This is what he is.
    "


    You say OP:

    "We are going to work through it and give what we can."



    That is called malignant optimism OP. No edifice can be built on a poor foundation. Life is short. Don't waste any more time.

    You said this OP in an earlier post:

    "why canít he have eyes for me and keep them off other women? Why does he allow his ďcuriosityď to harm our relationship? We used to be so good, and I wanna be good again if we can work through it. But it just hurts and I canít understand it and I feel lost"

    Remember:

    "If it hurts it isn't love".

  5.  

  6. #15
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    You two rushed into a relationship without taking the time to properly get to know each other. You didnít know what you were signing up for when you took the big step of moving in together too quickly.

    Unfortunately, heís not the guy you hoped. When youíre thinking of therapy after just a year and youíve felt sad and insecure and disrespected for at least half that... you donít have a relationship that is going to work out.

    This isnít what love and long-term happiness looks like. Heís not The One, OP.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Clownybaby
    Telling me Iím at fault for any of this is insane. Iím not. Bad decisions were made and thatís that. If yíall donít understand that sometimes when building a foundation, pieces get placed wrong, and it will fall, but it can always be rebuilt.
    I don't think anyone is blaming you for his actions. People are trying to save you the trouble of learning a tough lesson the hard way. But I get that you need to go through it yourself.

    Some things can't be built, period. You can have the most meticulously assembled foundation, but if the soil isn't good the whole thing will settle and shift and come to pieces. You can't build on some land. Not well, anyway.

    Originally Posted by Clownybaby
    Iím smart enough to know that if anything happens again itís over and I choose for myself to end it because it will have been his choice to hurt me & Iíll be positive I donít mean as much as I thought..... He does know though that if it happens again weíll never see each other again & Iíll just leave without warning, the apartment will be empty because almost everything in it is mine - and he will know why.
    I hope so.

    Originally Posted by Clownybaby
    With love comes forgiveness upon forgiveness. You cannot be bitter. Mistakes will be made, and we choose to go about fixing those mistakes - and forgiving them. Otherwise whatís the point being w someone in the first place?
    Does love also come with betrayal after betrayal? Is this what you've prepared yourself to forgive?

    Do you realize that there are men out there who would never do what your boyfriend is doing?

    Some people know right from wrong, and how to respect the feelings of others, without being told even once.

    What your boyfriend is doing is not a mistake. It's intentional.

    He doesn't accidentally get women's onlyfans links.

    He doesn't accidentally lie to you about it.

    He doesn't accidentally take the additional step of liking provocative & explicit photos on the internet.

    He doesn't accidentally ignore the multiple times you've brought up the way that it embarasses you and hurts your feelings.

    He's doing that stuff on purpose, with intent. You know that's true.

    What he is doing is not your fault by any stretch of the imagination.

    But you are the one who is making a mistake by lying to yourself about what he's doing. You will reap the consequences for it, and you really don't deserve that.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    We know we will get a lot of resistance from you, we always do in these types of threads.The advice and point of views are pretty solid given already.You are talking to people who are in their 40s and up. We are no stranger to what you are going through. You have hope by thinking if you didnít get your way in this relationship, you walking away will kill him. Sorry but itís not going to. heís got you played. He is just telling you what you want to hear. Heís playing stupid calling his intentional behaviour as being just mistakes. You think you have this but we have seen it all before over and over again. Coming here is your last hope the hang onto a guy the lies, blows smoke up your but and takes no accountability for how he hurts you. You canít build anything from that...itís all a folly. You have been warned, so if the hurt continues and you refuse to see the reality this guy is not good for you, then it is all on you. You make the choice to stay with him to ďmake this workĒ. IMO you get what you get with this guy, he is who he is. He lies to you and hurts you....this is why we date people, to find out how they treat us and if they are the best choice for our future. Time to break it off before you get more bamboozled.

  9. #18
    I appreciate all of you for opening my eyes to the many possibilities. And potential happenings for my future with this person. We had a conversation last night so I could try to understand - it didnít help my understanding much at all, but it was the first conversation weíve had about it without turning it into a screaming match and getting emotional - I kept my emotions in check, & he was being as truthful and transparent as he could I believe. Because he didnít tell me just what I wanted to hear. He does understand his wrong doings and knows itís wrong and itís why weíve come to this point.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I think everything you said about forgiveness and foundations etc is true. BUT!

    All of that forgiveness, patience, kindness etc only works when it is a two way street. It doesn't really apply to betrayal, lies, infidelity, violence, disrespect etc.

    If you are always the one forgiving, turning the other cheek. giving one last chance, you're being taken advantage of.

    It's really that simple. There are partners out there that you don't need to "fix" or take a break from... ever.

    You're at a year in, you're 20 and you're thinking of couples therapy. this is a gonna a long road. You should still be in the happy, laughing, lots of love stage but you're not. you're insecure, hurt, and trying way too hard. you can and will do much better when you realize he has control of all his actions.

    The good news is-- so are you. you don't have to tolerate any of this.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    "Mistake"? So he accidentally liked pics and accidentally navigated to only fans?

    A mistake is something that happens that you didn't intend to happen. Not deliberately navigating to a website or clicking "like".

    You've given him multiple chances. I'm baffled why you think one more time will make any difference.

    Accept this is who he is or leave. There is no magical third choice.

    And, thinking you must forgive time and time and time again? That's fantasyland stuff right there.

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