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Thread: He doesnít want another baby

  1. #1

    He doesnít want another baby

    My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years and married for 4, we have a little boy who will turn 3 next month. We both work with children and having a family has always been important to us.
    We have been waiting for the right time to try for our second child and having decided to start trying now he all of a sudden became funny regarding sex, saying he wasnít in the mood etc. And then today drops on me that he actually doesnít want any more children. He has been short and snappy lately and says I always have a go and nag him, he has been really short tempered in general not just with me but with our son and others too. I feel that maybe he just doesnít love me anymore?
    I donít know what to do with this, he said it in a mood and now wonít talk to me about it. I desperately want more children and I donít want to wait any longer for lots of reasons.

  2. #2
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    Had you two discussed how many children you thought you wanted? This covid time is so stressful for so many. I would wait till he's calm and see if you can talk about it again. And I understand that having a family is very important -and, you do have a family- you have your son!

  3. #3
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    I would have a discussion not when you are about to make love, but at a time when your child is being minded by parents, etc, and have a nice lunch or dinner together and just say "i know that you are telling me that you don't want more kids. Could you tell me why so i can understand?" It may be that if he is working from home and the child is home and you are all stuck at home he could feel overwhelmed, there could be
    performance anxiety - or more. Listen with open ears. Don't try to swing him one way or the other. Just thank him for telling you that. you can then decide how you feel about it and decide where yo go from there.

    Also, is "trying" too stressful? for some people, "trying" is stressful - but just not avoiding conception but not timing things to try is less stressful.

    Right now, he feels you are nagging him? what do you feel you are nagging him about?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Please don't force children on someone if they've changed their mind. I say that not only for you, them, but also for the child.

    He will be miserable and resentful, your heart will be broken over wanting him to love the child like you do, and he doesn't, but it will be the child who will be the one that will suffer the worst knowing that their father doesn't love them and didn't want them.

    Becoming a parent can be very stressful for some people. It's a lot more work, a lot more bills, and a lot more changes then they might have expected.
    Lots of people have this picture in their head of what it's like, and always picture mom and dad playing with the baby and everyone happy and it being great.
    That's not reality, at least not the whole picture.

    Babies fuss, they can be awake all night, children throw tantrums, bills can become twice as many, date nights can become non existent, stress levels can become much higher, couples can become distanced due to the immense changes, etc.
    And literally, some people don't see the reality of it all until they are living it.
    He may have realized that it's not for him and that he doesn't enjoy parenthood like he thought he was going to.

    That being so, you're going to have to either accept that he and you will not have anymore children if you stay together, or start considering a divorce if you want more children.
    There are no other options.
    Do not force this on him, and don't guilt him into it.

    Sit down with him, talk openly and honestly, without upset, without finger pointing or blaming, tears or arguing. Just talk and discuss what is going on between you two and what could be causing him to behave like he is.
    It very well could be that he knows you are desperate for more children and he knows he doesn't want anymore. This is his way of showing you that he is not wanting what you're wanting.
    Instead of creating more distance and upset between you two, just talk to one another. Come to some sort of understanding and common ground.

    Will you be okay with one child if it means saving your marriage? Or are you going to try and force him and cause a huge rift between you two? Will you be too unhappy with only one child and will consider divorce?

    These are all questions you need to answer honestly with yourself, BEFORE you sit and talk to him. If you refuse to budge, then you need to realize that it's possible that your marriage is over.

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  6. #5
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by StrawberryRo
    now he all of a sudden became funny regarding sex, saying he wasnít in the mood etc. And then today drops on me that he actually doesnít want any more children. He has been short and snappy lately and says I always have a go and nag him, he has been really short tempered in general not just with me but with our son and others too. .
    Could he be having an affair?

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Capricorn3
    Could he be having an affair?
    To be honest, that was my first thought too. Have you noticed any changes in his behaviour, appearance or daily routine?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Another child won't help an already estranged marriage. Nagging for sex and babies is not going to work.

    My advice about your husband's extracurricular activities remains the same:

    [Register to see the link]

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Around an hour after he told me that they had sent messages like this before but it was completely innocent and nothing more than a friend leaning on him for support. He said the message were about arguments with her husband and that sheís know I read his messages so sent them like that because she didnít want me know. Iím grateful he told me but I canít help but feel so upset that he lied to me in the first place. Iím so hurt by this and my mind is in overdrive wondering if thereís more lies. What do I do?

    I see you had issues last year regarding this. Yeah, a woman friend you don't even know relying on your husband for emotional support when she's struggling in her marriage is crossing boundaries. It's a high risk for an emotional/physical affair. Has any of this been resolved?

    You shouldn't consider bringing another child into the world unless the marriage is rock solid. Yeah, when you're both feeling mellow, I wouldn't even bring up having more children, but instead ask him if there is anything in the marriage he thinks needs improvement. Don't butt in and let him finish. Don't get defensive. Think of it as important info you need to learn, even if it upsets you and you don't agree with his assessment. Could be he's not seeing a future with you, but communication is a start in seeing what's really going on in his head.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    OP. The trust issue (or lack of trust) would appear to have emerged in early 2019.

    It doesn't sound good.

  11. #10
    Gold Member Spawn's Avatar
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    Looks like there is something else on his mind, its definitely not about having anymore kids as he put it.
    If you keep pushing him to talk about it that would generally lead to conflicts.
    You cant force someone to have babies either, it just isnt a solid foundation to the whole process. Sometimes focussing on different things in life can give that perspective of how to tackle difficult situations and conflicts in life.

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