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Thread: He doesnít want another baby

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    Around an hour after he told me that they had sent messages like this before but it was completely innocent and nothing more than a friend leaning on him for support. He said the message were about arguments with her husband and that sheís know I read his messages so sent them like that because she didnít want me know. Iím grateful he told me but I canít help but feel so upset that he lied to me in the first place. Iím so hurt by this and my mind is in overdrive wondering if thereís more lies. What do I do?

    I see you had issues last year regarding this. Yeah, a woman friend you don't even know relying on your husband for emotional support when she's struggling in her marriage is crossing boundaries. It's a high risk for an emotional/physical affair. Has any of this been resolved?
    I agree. Who is his loyalty to, this friend or his wife?

    If my male coworker was sending me messages about his unhappy relationship, it would raise a red flag with me instantly. I would show the the messages to my boyfriend and keep him apprised of the situation, not keep him in the dark.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I think your baby fever is clouding your judgement, and you aren't seeing what's right in front of your face.
    You need to get your desperation under control. Just because you feel desperate for a pregnancy, doesn't mean it has to be acted on. Take a pause and figure out why you are so frantic. Babies don't fix things, they amplify what's there, kinda like money.
    Even if your relationship wasn't on the rocks, it's totally reasonable for someone to change their mind on starting a pregnancy during a worldwide pandemic. Feels nuts I ever have to say that.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Most every couple I know is questioning the future and re-thinking whether they want to bring another child into this world until they have more information.

  4. #14
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    OP, seeing what you wrote on this and a previous thread- IMO, your husband is already having an emotional affair, if not a physical one as well.

    WHY is it that you want a second baby so badly? Is it because you've always wanted a big family? Or are you trying to "re-kindle" the marriage with another child? Either way, if your husband has decided that he doesn't want another one- the reason doesn't really matter. You will not be able to convince him to want what you want. And if you "force him" this will only lead to resentment and an even bigger rift in your marriage than you currently have.
    With the current state of your marriage, I personally would NOT recommend having another child at this time.
    Only you can know if not having another child is a deal breaker for you or not. Could you be content in this marriage forever with just you, your husband, and your son? Or not?

    I think your husband is definitely keeping his true feelings about a lot of things to himself. You say your son is 3. Have you noticed a difference in how you've treated your husband since the baby arrived? Many men- whether consciously or not, get very jealous with the attention the wife lavishes on the baby. Many men will- even if they don't say it- grow resentful or lose sexual interest in their wife, or start contemplating their own mortality once they have a child.
    A lot of men are great fathers and can still have feelings like this, and sometimes even feel guilty about them. But I'm sorry to say, but IMVHO, your husband is exhibiting a lot of the classic signs of the above. Wanting to "flirt with another woman to still feel attractive and young"- putting off sex with his wife and being short tempered, moody or depressed. Saying that he doesn't want another child on top of this can point to the fact that even though he probably loves your son to pieces, he didn't like the "extras" that came along with being a father.

    When he says that he doesn't want another child, you should believe him. Working with kids and liking kids is not in any way equal to wanting a big family of your own. Also, people can change their minds. Anyone who has kids can tell you that they IDEA of having multiple children is FAR different from the reality of having multiple children. And I will tell you from my own experience- multiple children is MUCH harder than one. And if your marriage going into that isn't ROCK solid, you are going to have severe issues. It's hard enough when your marriage IS rock solid. Perhaps parenthood is just way more difficult than he had expected. It does seem that having your son put a strain on your marriage.

    OP, you really need to think about if you want to stay married to this man. Your son is only 3 and he is already behaving this way. Already crossing affair boundaries, already being secretive and dishonest with you, already having emotional issues.
    Kids only get harder to parent as they age, not easier. Honestly, I worry for you. He may still love you, but is coming to grips with the fact that maybe this isn't the life he really wants. And I'm VERY sorry to say, but I will be totally honest with you- it's one thing to be moody and snap at YOU (even though It's still not right) but to snap and be moody with your 3 year old SON- to me that is IMVHO, abusive behavior. No parent should ever take their adult emotional issues out on their toddler.
    It's sad and frustrating (take it from someone who knows) to realize AFTER marriage and years of commitment that perhaps you and your spouse are not really compatible in the long term.

    You need to have a hard conversation with yourself- what is it that you REALLY want? I'd highly recommend individual counseling for you. What is your priority? Fixing your marriage? Having another child?
    There's no right or wrong, but until you know what matters most to you, you aren't going to know how to proceed.
    But if you're just waiting for your husband to magically agree with you and stop behaving this way overnight, you will only be disappointed. No matter what you decide, understand that he will never change just by you wishing he would.
    Time to start thinking about reality. Realistically, what are your expectations for the next few years? And can you see that with your husband or not.

    Best of luck to you.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    "He may still love you, but is coming to grips with the fact that maybe this isn't the life he really wants. And I'm VERY sorry to say, but I will be totally honest with you- it's one thing to be moody and snap at YOU (even though It's still not right) but to snap and be moody with your 3 year old SON- to me that is IMVHO, abusive behavior. No parent should ever take their adult emotional issues out on their toddler."


    I endorse every word of your excellent post Red.

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