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Thread: Boyfriend returning to job that almost destroyed him

  1. #1

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    Boyfriend returning to job that almost destroyed him

    I have been in a relationship with my BF for 5 years. For the entire relationship he was working in a very toxic environment which fed into his addictive qualities, he worked long hours, was constantly under huge amounts of stress, went in on days off, HATED the job but could not leave. (He ended up there when he left an abusive relationship and grew up with an abusive father).
    The culmination of all his misery and self loathing was getting involved with a co-worker right before the pandemic. She was from what he says, an abuser too and threatened him.
    I knew he was in a very bad place when it happened and we agreed to work on our relationship when the cheating came to light. Shortly after he was furloughed and finally was able to leave.
    He then spent a few months decompressing and even went back to his home country for 3 more months to get better and go to therapy. He worked hard and it was obvious he was feeling better.
    Our plan is to move to his country but due to circumstances here I can not leave yet, so he had to return.
    He has been back for a little less than 3 weeks and has decided he needs to start working asap and went back to his old job today.
    He is telling me that he has worked on himself and he is not the same as when he worked there before. If he sees anything bad happening he will leave. The co-worker he was involved with is no longer there either.
    I've told him I don't agree and don't want him to go back there/to the same industry since he left.
    He says he just needs to get started to get motivated and he needs to work to pay bills which might be true, but I don't feel good about this situation and have told him.
    I'm just not sure what to do to enforce my own boundaries around it. Is the only option to tell him we can't be together if he chooses to work there? It sounds like an ultimatum and that I'm "telling him what to do" as he keeps saying.
    I just know this will not lead anywhere good for him and am not sure how to navigate the situation.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Do you live together? Do you support him or does he support you? What is your goal 5 years in?

    Its unclear why you are trying to micromanage his job/career. It's also unclear why he disappeared for three months, supposedly to 'get therapy'. Is he scheduled for an arranged marriage in his country? Does he have a GF there?

    You need to reflect on the cheating. You also need to step way back from trying to manage his mental health and job choices.
    Originally Posted by Valeriie
    I have been in a relationship with my BF for 5 years.

    The culmination of all his misery and self loathing was getting involved with a co-worker right before the pandemic.

    He then spent a few months decompressing and even went back to his home country for 3 more months to get better and go to therapy.

    Our plan is to move to his country but due to circumstances here I can not leave yet, so he had to return.
    He has been back for a little less than 3 weeks and has decided he needs to start working asap and went back to his old job today.


    I've told him I don't agree and don't want him to go back there/to the same industry since he left.

    I'm "telling him what to do" as he keeps saying.

  3. #3

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    He moved in with me when he returned from being out of the country.
    Neither of us supports each other.
    Our goal is to move together to his home country. He's been here 20 years and we go there every summer, he was able to go this year to decompress from the toxic job as well as spend a lot of time with family and in therapy there. I fully trust what he did there. We would have left to move there previously but he couldn't leave his toxic job.
    That is my question, I'm not trying to manage his career / job. From both our perspectives it was very toxic/abusive, it was akin to being with someone with an addiction. It was destroying him to the point I (and his family) were telling him that if he didn't leave he would work himself to death there. It was that bad.
    He can do what he likes obviously, my question is more for ME. I don't want to go through the turmoil and stress of being with someone who is basically addicted to their abusive job.
    I can detach and not engage with him about work but it affects our relationship, even before the cheating. So I don't know if there is any way to deal with it on my end other than leaving?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What exactly, happens to you when he is in this toxic job?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    What fresh hell country do you live in??? Is there no labor laws, HR, anything? Where I am hostile work environments are not tolerated or they are met with lawsuits.

  7. #6
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    You don't have to be involved with someone who you think is making poor life choices. He's your boyfriend and not your spouse. You have no children together. You have voiced your opinion and he has a different one. But your only possible role in this is to give him an opinion if it's asked for. And then if you feel that he is not fun to be around given his choice of where to work you have a choice to walk. He gets to choose where to work. I really wouldn't see it as an addiction - he balanced the risks/benefits and chooses the risks. I'm sorry you're disappointed and disappointed in his choices.

  8. #7

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    I would never seen him, when I do he is angry / agitated and extremely tired. He developed anxiety and depression from working there which doesn't ever help in intimate relationships and served to push me away even more.
    We coudn't make any short term plans/do anything fun because work would always interfere and take precedence. He worked 830-9/10pm and would go in on his days off as well.
    We were never able to make long term plans because he wouldn't leave the job.
    We our sex life became pretty close to non-existent.
    It affected our relationship 100% and just got more extreme and worse the longer he worked there, culminating in the cheating.
    The industry he went back to is notorious for people ending up with addictions and divorces, everyone he worked with was involved in something damaging from drugs and alcohol to gambling and affairs. I'm not exaggerating when I say how toxic of a place it was.

  9. #8

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    The USA! Corporations here know very well how to treat employees badly but also not subject themselves to lawsuits.
    He's also working in sales which is much different than a regular 9-5 office job.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Sounds like the oil fields in Alberta.

  11. #10
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    My thoughts are that this is less about his job, and more about the choices he made. I'd give more thought into how you feel about trusting him in the long term.

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