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Thread: I don't know if I should keep fighting for my marriage

  1. #1
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    I don't know if I should keep fighting for my marriage

    I'm new to this forum so excuse me if I'm not that clear in what I'm about to say.
    I have been married for almost two years now.
    We got married after a very short relationship which was wonderful and very loving.
    We saw eachother every day and he was extremely attached to me, which was pretty unusual because of the length of time we had known eachother.
    Right away in the relationship he expressed his wish to marry me and start a family.
    To be honest I had a feeling that we were rushing things but he was the first person that I really felt that I was in love with.
    I got pregnant and we got married.
    Right away, the problems started to appear.
    Just after the wedding he said that I should cut contact with my mom I should try to take advantage of her financially.
    At the beginning we lived with his parents know we live in a different part of rhe house whis is big-this is pretty usual in my country.
    The family dynamics is unusual.
    His parents are extremely controlling and manipulative. My husband is totally submissive to them and thinks that this is normal.
    He basically can not do anything in life without their approval.
    He spends at least three hours a day with them.
    It's a very strange and difficult situation.
    They want to control every aspect of my and my small child's life.
    Even when it came to where and how should I give birth-he completely ignored me and basically asked them where should I give birth.
    Basically, he isn't at all close to me, it's like he has this unbreakable unhealthy bond with his family that is completely ruining his life and he isn't aware of it.
    I'm thinking of ending things because every effort to talk to him is basically pointless.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It does sound unhealthy. I'm sorry to hear this. If you leave or move out both of you still have to come to a custody arrangement and he will still be in your child's life. Can you speak with a lawyer in private without them knowing that you are considering separation or divorce? You'll gain the proper legal advice that way and hopefully be able to leave safely.

  3. #3
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    I have already done this and I have also consulted a psychologist.She advised me not rush things to be patient and basically try to somehow win him over.
    Now I am in a dilemma.
    Is it best if I end things faster or give myself some time to just think things through.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You are joking....please get a new psychiatrist....one that actually specializes in personality disorders and can recognize the danger signs. The one you spoke with is pretty much a clueless quack.

    Trying to isolate you from your family, friends, your support system is the first stages of abusive relationships. Next step is control. Be it direct or through his family, the apple never falls far from the tree.

    Your entire relationship, the whirlwind romance and a fast push for marriage....OP...you are learning the very hard way that this is not the stuff of dreams and romance, but how all nightmares begin.

    Please get out, get away and get really good legal support before life gets much much worse for you and your child.

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  6. #5
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    I am so sorry you are going through this with a small child. You need to take care of you and your needs. You need to be healthy mentally and physically to take care of your child. It will effect you and break you down. I think you should take a stand and do what your heart tells you.
    Funny I think most people on here, myself included know what they have to do. They want someone to say stay or no itís going to get better. It wonít!!!
    You had the best you could have with him. This is time to move on

  7. #6
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Nothing to add to what DF said:

    "Your entire relationship, the whirlwind romance and a fast push for marriage....OP...you are learning the very hard way that this is not the stuff of dreams and romance, but how all nightmares begin.

    Please get out, get away and get really good legal support before life gets much much worse for you and your child."


    And here was the big red flag:

    "Right away in the relationship he expressed his wish to marry me and start a family."

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bile09
    Basically, he isn't at all close to me, it's like he has this unbreakable unhealthy bond with his family that is completely ruining his life and he isn't aware of it.
    I'm thinking of ending things because every effort to talk to him is basically pointless.
    Sounds more like he's ruining your life. His life seems to be going swimmingly...

    I vote for you leaving.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by bile09
    I have already done this and I have also consulted a psychologist.She advised me not rush things to be patient and basically try to somehow win him over.
    You need a different psychologist.

    You know this isn't working and it's time to end it.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. You are unfortunately in an abusive relationship. You have just about every red flag there is listed in this short post from quick involvement to trying to isolate you from family. You need to read up on that and tell your trusted friends and family what is happening.

    You also need to confidentially and privately talk to an attorney about divorce and child support and supervised visitation.

    Privately and covertly start severing things. Have important mail sent to trusted friends/family. Sever whatever financial things you can. Change ALL the passwords on ALL your devices, accounts, etc. Do not post personal information on any social media. Quickly restrict his people from viewing your content, better yet stop posing.

    Do not disclose where you are going, but get to an attorney, a bank, a qualified therapist (who is not giving you horrible advice and can not recognize obvious signs of abuse), etc. Start bringing important things, papers, etc. to trusted friends/family. Do not talk to him about your feelings or plans.

    Simply act as if all is normal and talk about mundane household things. Do Not agree to marriage therapy. See your own therapist (not the quack) to help you navigate this.
    Originally Posted by bile09
    -We got married after a very short relationship which was wonderful and very loving.
    -We saw eachother every day and he was extremely attached to me
    -Right away in the relationship he expressed his wish to marry me and start a family.

    -I got pregnant and we got married.
    -Right away, the problems started to appear.

    -Just after the wedding he said that I should cut contact with my mom I should try to take advantage of her financially.
    -His parents are extremely controlling and manipulative.
    -They want to control every aspect of my and my small child's life.

    -I'm thinking of ending things because every effort to talk to him is basically pointless.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I agree with others. Seek a different psychologist, not a psychiatrist. Consult an attorney as well.

    Your husband and your in-laws are very manipulative, your husband kowtows to his parents and he's chauvinistic.

    Since it's pointless talking to your husband and you're thinking of ending things, then go with your common sense.

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