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Thread: I'm so discontent and seeking more

  1. #1
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    I'm so discontent and seeking more

    Hi all, this is my first time posting and I am seeking some advice. I have been with my male partner for about a year and a half. He moved in with me in July. I feel so discontent and dissatisfied with this relationship. I want more laughter, more conversational flow, more joy and playfulness. He's quite serious and quiet. He's a good man, and I'm feeling terrible about this. I have so much shame around it... I feel like I may have moved forward when I had doubts and now he's fully living in my home and has no idea how unhappy I am in this. I don't know how to start this conversation. I know I want more and want different. I worry that the current climate is contributing to my unhappiness and this relationship is the easy thing to focus on. However, I don't think this is resolvable, as it is his personality and way of being that feels incompatible with what I need. Living together has magnified this for me. I've pulled away a lot and he notices, but he thinks it's more about the current state of our world, rather than our relationship. How do I start talking about this with him??? I want to be honest and yet be compassionate. I appreciate any advice you all have for me.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Do you know if there's something bothering him specifically? Re: 'current state of the world'

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Tell him the truth in that you don't feel like you are compatible and that you want to end the relationship on amicable terms. Just don't blame him and his personality. Basically, don't carry on about what you want more of that you know is not in him to be or give, rather just keep it simple that the relationship isn't working out for you and it's about you. Which it is. You just don't feel for him what you should and you can't pretend or string this out as it's not fair to both of you.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Playing house is a definite romance killer. Especially if one or both of you get in a complacent rut, just coasting along. You can't change his personality. Why did you let him move into your house? You should not feel miserable in your own home.

    More conversation, playfulness? Well it sounds like you miss the excitement of dating. Start going out more, do things, don't just hang around your house camped in separate corners.
    Originally Posted by pdxchickadee
    I feel like I may have moved forward when I had doubts and now he's fully living in my home and has no idea how unhappy. Living together has magnified this for me.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    If he notices then that will be your opening line..."I guess you have noticed I have been distant lately...I need to tell you why."

    Communication is key for a relationship to sustain itself. You can't fear it. You want change, you have to take the risks that comes with it. If it was the other way around, would you not appreciate that he took the steps to have an honest conversation about it?

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    Your own words state that you don't think this can be resolved, so that means you're at least starting off knowing what needs to be done.

    There is no good way to do the hard part that comes next. I wouldn't worry so much on how to do it--it's going to suck either way for both of you. But you'll also both survive. Get it done and good luck.

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I would also add, end it cleanly. Don't promise to be friends, don't give him hope or sting him along in any way. Be very very clear that it's definitively not working and not going to. It will sting, but it will also free him to heal and move on faster. Nothing worse than hope to keep people stuck on their ex and the break up. Softening the blow is really kind of cruel.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Dissatified and disconnected. In turn you pull away.

    It may very well be that you two might be mismatched, but the only way to resolve disconnect is to connect. Not pull away.

    Having challenging conversations with your partner is the very thing that brings a deeper connection.

    It may or may not work, but before you decide to bail on this you at least owe it to the both of you to have an intimate conversation about lack of emotional intimacy in it.

    Tell him how you feel, what you need and ask him to share something about what makes him feel satified in a relationship.

    You can't feel connected by avoiding it.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Dissatified and disconnected. In turn you pull away.

    It may very well be that you two might be mismatched, but the only way to resolve disconnect is to connect. Not pull away.

    Having challenging conversations with your partner is the very thing that brings a deeper connection.

    It may or may not work, but before you decide to bail on this you at least owe it to the both of you to have an intimate conversation about lack of emotional intimacy in it.

    Tell him how you feel, what you need and ask him to share something about what makes him feel satified in a relationship.

    You can't feel connected by avoiding it.
    I agree with this. What efforts do you put in? What do you bring to the table?

  11. #10
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    Here is a suggested start point, have told HIM this directly, and along the lines that it is causing you to be unhappy:

    I want more laughter, more conversational flow, more joy and playfulness

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