I'm so discontent and seeking more

Hi all, this is my first time posting and I am seeking some advice. I have been with my male partner for about a year and a half. He moved in with me in July. I feel so discontent and dissatisfied with this relationship. I want more laughter, more conversational flow, more joy and playfulness. He's quite serious and quiet. He's a good man, and I'm feeling terrible about this. I have so much shame around it... I feel like I may have moved forward when I had doubts and now he's fully living in my home and has no idea how unhappy I am in this. I don't know how to start this conversation. I know I want more and want different. I worry that the current climate is contributing to my unhappiness and this relationship is the easy thing to focus on. However, I don't think this is resolvable, as it is his personality and way of being that feels incompatible with what I need. Living together has magnified this for me. I've pulled away a lot and he notices, but he thinks it's more about the current state of our world, rather than our relationship. How do I start talking about this with him??? I want to be honest and yet be compassionate. I appreciate any advice you all have for me.

Do you know if there's something bothering him specifically? Re: 'current state of the world'

Tell him the truth in that you don't feel like you are compatible and that you want to end the relationship on amicable terms. Just don't blame him and his personality. Basically, don't carry on about what you want more of that you know is not in him to be or give, rather just keep it simple that the relationship isn't working out for you and it's about you. Which it is. You just don't feel for him what you should and you can't pretend or string this out as it's not fair to both of you.

Sorry to hear this. Playing house is a definite romance killer. Especially if one or both of you get in a complacent rut, just coasting along. You can't change his personality. Why did you let him move into your house? You should not feel miserable in your own home.

More conversation, playfulness? Well it sounds like you miss the excitement of dating. Start going out more, do things, don't just hang around your house camped in separate corners.

I feel like I may have moved forward when I had doubts and now he's fully living in my home and has no idea how unhappy. Living together has magnified this for me.

If he notices then that will be your opening line..."I guess you have noticed I have been distant lately...I need to tell you why."

Communication is key for a relationship to sustain itself. You can't fear it. You want change, you have to take the risks that comes with it. If it was the other way around, would you not appreciate that he took the steps to have an honest conversation about it?

Your own words state that you don't think this can be resolved, so that means you're at least starting off knowing what needs to be done.

There is no good way to do the hard part that comes next. I wouldn't worry so much on how to do it--it's going to suck either way for both of you. But you'll also both survive. Get it done and good luck.

I would also add, end it cleanly. Don't promise to be friends, don't give him hope or sting him along in any way. Be very very clear that it's definitively not working and not going to. It will sting, but it will also free him to heal and move on faster. Nothing worse than hope to keep people stuck on their ex and the break up. Softening the blow is really kind of cruel.

Dissatified and disconnected. In turn you pull away.

It may very well be that you two might be mismatched, but the only way to resolve disconnect is to connect. Not pull away.

Having challenging conversations with your partner is the very thing that brings a deeper connection.

It may or may not work, but before you decide to bail on this you at least owe it to the both of you to have an intimate conversation about lack of emotional intimacy in it.

Tell him how you feel, what you need and ask him to share something about what makes him feel satified in a relationship.

You can't feel connected by avoiding it.

Dissatified and disconnected. In turn you pull away.

 

It may very well be that you two might be mismatched, but the only way to resolve disconnect is to connect. Not pull away.

 

Having challenging conversations with your partner is the very thing that brings a deeper connection.

 

It may or may not work, but before you decide to bail on this you at least owe it to the both of you to have an intimate conversation about lack of emotional intimacy in it.

 

Tell him how you feel, what you need and ask him to share something about what makes him feel satified in a relationship.

 

You can't feel connected by avoiding it.

I agree with this. What efforts do you put in? What do you bring to the table?

Here is a suggested start point, have told HIM this directly, and along the lines that it is causing you to be unhappy:

I want more laughter, more conversational flow, more joy and playfulness

My question is:

Would you like to try and save the relationship or have you checked out and need to know how to end it?

Lost

Here is a suggested start point, have told HIM this directly, and along the lines that it is causing you to be unhappy:

 

I want more laughter, more conversational flow, more joy and playfulness

Or . .people respond to hearing what you want when it's said in a positive way.

"I want us to be closer and feel more connected"

. . .Rather than leading with what you are unhappy about.

Be honest and tell him how you feel. Remain respectful and kind while explaining personality differences. It's worse to pretend everything is fine while you're internally miserable because that's stringing him along. No sense wasting everyone's time and energy for a relationship that is floundering. Best to get it over and done with. Remain realistic and let there be no misunderstanding. Make sure you clarify to him that this issue is not about the pandemic.

Be prepared for backlash and defensive behavior from him. However, remain calm and unemotional throughout so you can get your point across clearly.

You have to start somewhere. It won't be pretty. Make sure you two have a quiet moment together with ZERO distractions, no cell phones, computers, TV, background noise nor racket. Then concentrate and focus on the conversation and give it the time and attention it deserves.

Then figure out timelines, schedules, exiting your house or apartment and dissolving the relationship in a civil manner.

If he notices then that will be your opening line..."I guess you have noticed I have been distant lately...I need to tell you why."

 

Communication is key for a relationship to sustain itself. You can't fear it. You want change, you have to take the risks that comes with it. If it was the other way around, would you not appreciate that he took the steps to have an honest conversation about it?

"I guess you have noticed I have been distant lately...I need to tell you why." This is spot on.

Thank you so much for this... It helps. when I think of the person I want to be with..I want them to have both feet in and feel that spark of compatibility. I would definitely appreciate an honest conversation and probably be defensive and hurt. I guess I'm fearing that part of this conversation. It's also good to know I'm not alone, thanks for that too.

Good question.... I think we are all bothered by the state of the world. Yet, I see this as part of his personality. It's not wrong...he's not a bad person.. I fear that it is incompatibility. I actually think this is probably the case. Thanks for the question.

Great question. I am leaning towards ending things. Part of me feels like I need to put more effort in...really make sure. But I think that may be my guilt talking. He's moved in and we thought this was it. I think I need to start having conversations about moving on....I'm a bit fearful that he is going to be blindsided. I have the benefit of having lots of time to think this through. He deserves that time too. Does that make sense?

I have had that conversation... the positive approach many times. To the point that he refers to my needed, 'connection' as too forced. He believes it should happen more naturally. I do not believe that. AND...it isn't happening more naturally...at least not enough for me. Ugh.

Thank you. This is solid advice. My huge sense of guilt is in that feeling you mention about internal misery and stringing him along. He doesn't know what I'm thinking and he is going to be blindsided. He thinks my depressive mood is about the current climate we are living in. At first I thought that was it too... it's not that. I want something different than this relationship. Ugh. Thank you so much for this advice!!

If he notices then that will be your opening line..."I guess you have noticed I have been distant lately...I need to tell you why."

 

Communication is key for a relationship to sustain itself. You can't fear it. You want change, you have to take the risks that comes with it. If it was the other way around, would you not appreciate that he took the steps to have an honest conversation about it?

Thank you so much for this... It helps. when I think of the person I want to be with..I want them to have both feet in and feel that spark of compatibility. I would definitely appreciate an honest conversation and probably be defensive and hurt. I guess I'm fearing that part of this conversation. It's also good to know I'm not alone, thanks for that too.

You'll have to forgive me for sounding simplistic but I think it's a matter of not talking about it and just going out and having fun. It's as simple as going for a drive somewhere together, to a park or a beach that's quiet or taking a walk outside in your neighbourhood.

All the talking makes things awkward between you both and it's worse because now both of you are feeding off of this weird and toxic loop "should I/shouldn't I" and even old jokes don't seem funny anymore or topics that used to seem interesting now are layered with tension.

Break the ice and don't talk so much if you want this relationship to work. You have to be patient with each other. Without patience you're not going to get very far.

Be honest and tell him how you feel. Remain respectful and kind while explaining personality differences. It's worse to pretend everything is fine while you're internally miserable because that's stringing him along. No sense wasting everyone's time and energy for a relationship that is floundering. Best to get it over and done with. Remain realistic and let there be no misunderstanding. Make sure you clarify to him that this issue is not about the pandemic.

 

Be prepared for backlash and defensive behavior from him. However, remain calm and unemotional throughout so you can get your point across clearly.

 

You have to start somewhere. It won't be pretty. Make sure you two have a quiet moment together with ZERO distractions, no cell phones, computers, TV, background noise nor racket. Then concentrate and focus on the conversation and give it the time and attention it deserves.

 

Then figure out timelines, schedules, exiting your house or apartment and dissolving the relationship in a civil manner.

Thank you. This is solid advice. My huge sense of guilt is in that feeling you mention about internal misery and stringing him along. He doesn't know what I'm thinking and he is going to be blindsided. He thinks my depressive mood is about the current climate we are living in. At first I thought that was it too... it's not that. I want something different than this relationship. Ugh. Thank you so much for this advice!!

My question is:

 

Would you like to try and save the relationship or have you checked out and need to know how to end it?

 

Lost

Great question. I am leaning towards ending things. Part of me feels like I need to put more effort in...really make sure. But I think that may be my guilt talking. He's moved in and we thought this was it. I think I need to start having conversations about moving on....I'm a bit fearful that he is going to be blindsided. I have the benefit of having lots of time to think this through. He deserves that time too. Does that make sense?

Be honest and tell him how you feel. Remain respectful and kind while explaining personality differences. It's worse to pretend everything is fine while you're internally miserable because that's stringing him along. No sense wasting everyone's time and energy for a relationship that is floundering. Best to get it over and done with. Remain realistic and let there be no misunderstanding. Make sure you clarify to him that this issue is not about the pandemic.

 

Be prepared for backlash and defensive behavior from him. However, remain calm and unemotional throughout so you can get your point across clearly.

 

You have to start somewhere. It won't be pretty. Make sure you two have a quiet moment together with ZERO distractions, no cell phones, computers, TV, background noise nor racket. Then concentrate and focus on the conversation and give it the time and attention it deserves.

 

Then figure out timelines, schedules, exiting your house or apartment and dissolving the relationship in a civil manner.

This is spot on...thank you for this advice!

Dissatified and disconnected. In turn you pull away.

 

It may very well be that you two might be mismatched, but the only way to resolve disconnect is to connect. Not pull away.

 

Having challenging conversations with your partner is the very thing that brings a deeper connection.

 

It may or may not work, but before you decide to bail on this you at least owe it to the both of you to have an intimate conversation about lack of emotional intimacy in it.

 

Tell him how you feel, what you need and ask him to share something about what makes him feel satified in a relationship.

 

You can't feel connected by avoiding it.

You're right. I do owe more effort and more conversation around connection. Thanks.