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Thread: New friend not replying to messages and being flakey

  1. #1
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    New friend not replying to messages and being flakey

    Hello! I have a new female friend but I kinda can't call her a friend.

    We have been "friends" for about a year and it was going good and she is so nice. But she doesn't respond to my messages. Sometimes she'll not respond at all or sometimes days later. It's really annoying.

    For instance she messaged me last night and asked how I was (i've had minor surgery so can't leave my house). She msg me before the surgery and I said I will need visitors as I can't go anywhere. Then I didn't hear from her for over a week until last night. Then I respond enthusiastically to her message she was updating me on her life saying I've inspired her to do videos etc. (we voice message mostly) and I give her info about me saying - It's so hard not being able to go out and congratulate her on how good her video was. AND NO RESPONSE! I would have thought there would be back and forth. This seems to happen every time!

    A couple of times in the past she's said "lets catch up on the weekend, I'll let you know what day"... the weekend comes and goes and she doesn't contact me. She doesn't address it. It just comes and goes. She doesn't keep her word. BUT SHE'S NICE ENOUGH!

    Basically I don't want her as a friend but she keeps contacting me occasionally. And I don't want to be rude so each time I let it slide. As she's a new friend I don't feel like it's my place to confront her about it. But I don't want her to keep messaging me because each time I get disappointed.

    I'm 38 and I have changed a lot so I don't have a lot of friends. I'd love it if she was a good friend. It's so frustrating.

    I feel like I am so responsive to strangers even. I've never experienced this kind of communication before it's really weird.

    What do I do? Or have you experienced this before?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    It's hard to say. Your communication styles are different and this seems to frustrated you.
    You should consider managing your expectations of her and accept that this is all she has to offer.
    Either that or let it go and not respond any further.
    Friendships, at least ones of value aren't this challenging to figure out.
    You seem lonely and hungry for friendship. You might consider not getting too invested in this one and making room for ones that are better suited for you.

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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    It's hard to say. Your communication styles are different and this seems to frustrated you.
    You should consider managing your expectations of her and accept that this is all she has to offer.
    Either that or let it go and not respond any further.
    Friendships, at least ones of value aren't this challenging to figure out.
    You seem lonely and hungry for friendship. You might consider not getting too invested in this one and making room for ones that are better suited for you.

    Yep, I am lonely. Because I've changed a lot (for better!) I have lost some friends who were negative. So I have been trying to call in new friends. So it's quite disappointing when it's there but not really. I agree, every friendship I have had has been easy and fun not challenging like this. Our communication styles are totally off. I have pretty low expectations of her already. I'm not a flakey person so if I communicate with you it's because i'm invested and I care. I don't like doing things half assed.

    I think I need to stop responding altogether.

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    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Acquiring acquatainces is easier than making new friends.
    Good for you for working on yourself. As you are experiencing growing means you outgrow some friends.
    Be patient and hang in there.
    Been there, done that. .more than once.

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  6. #5
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    Thank you will keep calling in new more aligned people.

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    How did you meet her?
    And have you ever actually met in person?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Lower your expectations in your friend and people in general. Know that this is her preference and communication / correspondence style. Not everyone practices giving immediate replies via text (or message / email / voice mails). Keep in mind, she's a new friend and new friends don't always give you relentless back 'n forth replies as you anticipate. Also, perhaps she's very busy. Well, I say, get busy yourself and don't make yourself so available because if you rely on her texts, you are perceived as insecure. With all due respect, get a life.

    In life, many times, you have to go through a lot of people in order to find the right friends and the right fit for your personality.

    Yes, I've experienced this before. When this happens, I'm fine because this type of friend is more like a casual acquaintance and not a real, close friend. Learn to differentiate people into categories.

    I say do nothing. Preoccupy yourself with your life, do what you enjoy, take care of your health, exercise, eat well, have hobbies, read good books or whatever makes you happy. You can also afford to be very picky and choosy when it comes to friends or new friends. Become selective and if one friend disappoints you, you can always make new friends now or in the future. It's not the end of the world.

    A tidbit: People are attracted to those who aren't needy and clingy. People are attracted to secure people who are busy with their own pursuits or so I've noticed.

    I don't like flaky, half-effort people either. In order to have a successful friendship, there needs to be cooperation in order for it to thrive. If there isn't any cooperation and enthusiasm to keep the friendship alive, it's not working and will cause your disappointment which turns into disillusionment. Don't bother. Move on.
    Last edited by Cherylyn; 11-03-2020 at 02:00 AM.

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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    How did you meet her?
    And have you ever actually met in person?
    Met her through a friend via a networking group. She actually invited me to her wedding and I went to her hens day, even though I didn't know her that well. We have a bit in common. But the wedding was postponed. The more I've got to know her the more I've realised she's not very reliable. It's fine. But I don't really want flakey and half friends anymore. It's more effort than it's worth.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Lower your expectations in your friend and people in general. Know that this is her preference and communication / correspondence style. Not everyone practices giving immediate replies via text (or message / email / voice mails). Keep in mind, she's a new friend and new friends don't always give you relentless back 'n forth replies as you anticipate. Also, perhaps she's very busy. Well, I say, get busy yourself and don't make yourself so available because if you rely on her texts, you are perceived as insecure. With all due respect, get a life.

    In life, many times, you have to go through a lot of people in order to find the right friends and the right fit for your personality.

    Yes, I've experienced this before. When this happens, I'm fine because this type of friend is more like a casual acquaintance and not a real, close friend. Learn to differentiate people into categories.

    I say do nothing. Preoccupy yourself with your life, do what you enjoy, take care of your health, exercise, eat well, have hobbies, read good books or whatever makes you happy. You can also afford to be very picky and choosy when it comes to friends or new friends. Become selective and if one friend disappoints you, you can always make new friends now or in the future. It's not the end of the world.

    A tidbit: People are attracted to those who aren't needy and clingy. People are attracted to secure people who are busy with their own pursuits or so I've noticed.
    I do have a life. I'm not really needy at all. She keeps messaging me and I respond because that's how I am. But then nothing. It annoys me and I'd rather not deal with it. But I agree just get on with it and forget about it is good and I'll take that. I guess I am being impatient as she has many qualities I like but the really important qualities I value she has shown not to have. I'm just over flakey people in general!

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by shescrafty
    I do have a life. I'm not really needy at all. She keeps messaging me and I respond because that's how I am. But then nothing. It annoys me and I'd rather not deal with it. But I agree just get on with it and forget about it is good and I'll take that. I guess I am being impatient as she has many qualities I like but the really important qualities I value she has shown not to have. I'm just over flakey people in general!
    Her enthusiasm is not on equal footing with yours. I've encountered the same as you. There's nothing you can do unless you wish to speak up about this. Would you be willing to ask her nicely about replying to you quicker and more frequently? However, usually people don't like to be told what to do. Either accept how she is or consider her history. The choice is yours. Let her hang onto infrequent correspondence with you or tell her that it's time for you two to go her separate ways. Wish her well and be done with it.

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