30 years old dating 20 year ols

Hello, im new here. I just really need some advice and i cant talk to my friends about this, at least not yet. I am a 30 year old guy, i have been divorced for a while. And i havent tried to seek out for a new relationship, but i met someone that i think i really like. The problem is that shes younger than me. If this was a 10 year old difference and i was 40 while shes 30 i think it would be simpler. But shes only 20. Now, i understand that our experience levels are much different, both emotionally and sexually. But i just really need to know your opinions about this. Im not looking to get married, but im also not looking for an one night stand. Me and her and just getting to know each other, shes a costumer where i work, and i never spend time talking to costumers no matter how hot they are, but this time i got to like her a lot, i actually look forward for her to show up so we can talk, and we usually chat for at least 5-10 minutes before we say goodbye. I havent asked her out on a date yet, but i know she likes me and she will probably say yes. Now with whats happening regarding coronavirus she told me that she would be leaving town for a month, this is good, because i dont know what to do yet, i have her phone number so loosing touch isnt an issue here. I have a month to figure out what i wanna do. I have met many girls around my age, 25 to 35 but they all seem to carry some baggage from their past, and i dont want any of it in my life because ive been through enough in my own relationship(s). And meeting someone this young might change my life in a way that i wasnt expecting. But is it a good idea?

Sorry for the long post, i would really appreciate your input on this.

I have met many girls around my age, 25 to 35 but they all seem to carry some baggage from their past, and i dont want any of it in my life because ive been through enough in my own relationship(s).

Don't be a creeper, dude. You carry baggage, too. A girl can smell avoidance a mile away, even if she's only 20.

If you like this girl and she likes you, fine. But a 20 year old girl is going to mature to 25 and 35, so if there's something you don't want to deal with, you're going to have to keep switching partners....

Unless you're looking to 'mold' someone who is impressionable. Then you'd have motivation to stay.... But that brings us back to the creeper thing.

And meeting someone this young might change my life in a way that i wasnt expecting.

How do you imagine?

Well it could work out for you with her, but honestly I think you are too old for her. She needs to experience the things a 20 yr old girl does, with others of her own age.

Don't be a creeper, dude. You carry baggage, too. A girl can smell avoidance a mile away, even if she's only 20.

 

If you like this girl and she likes you, fine. But a 20 year old girl is going to mature to 25 and 35, so if there's something you don't want to deal with, you're going to have to keep switching partners....

 

Unless you're looking to 'mold' someone who is impressionable. Then you'd have motivation to stay.... But that brings us back to the creeper thing.

 

 

 

How do you imagine?

You are probably right, i dont want to deal with anyones problems at this point in my life. And i certainly dont want to have kids and have a family just yet.. This is mostly the reason why my ex and i ended it, i wasnt ready for the next level of our relationship.. I havent dated anyone this much younger than me and this worries me. I dated a girl that was 23 when i was 18 and it was kinda weird sometimes, because i was still a kid in some ways. But then again 18 and 20 arent really the same and guys are usually very childish when they are 18, hell im still immature and i do stupid and reckless things even now that im 30..I dont know, im conflicted. I just dont want to hurt her, because im also an ass sometimes. All i know is that i really like her because shes very smart and we are having some really cool conversations and its been awhile since a woman made me want to keep talking to her.

Thanks for replying btw!

Just be upfront with her that you're not looking for anything serious. . . And that would apply to any woman, any age.

Funny,. You seem to be the one with baggage. I don't mean to sound harsh but you're the one not ready ready for a relationship, but don't want anyone with baggage?

Anyway. . . Young women tend to mature more then men, so she may surprise you.

Just be honest about what you're looking for and let her decide

Well it could work out for you with her, but honestly I think you are too old for her. She needs to experience the things a 20 yr old girl does, with others of her own age.

Thanks for your input. I know that im older and thats why i asked but i dont think that right now i do things that i wasnt doing when i was 20, i still go out and drink all night, i still drive my stupid r1, i still play fifa all night and i still have my friends over for weed and alcoholic beverages D: The only difference is that now i have a job, my own house and my own car and responsibilities. But then again being financially stable isnt it a good thing for a potential romantic relationship whether shes 20 or 30? I mean come on im not 60!

Just be upfront with her that you're not looking for anything serious. . . And that would apply to any woman, any age.

 

Funny,. You seem to be the one with baggage. I don't mean to sound harsh but you're the one not ready ready for a relationship, but don't want anyone with baggage?

 

Anyway. . . Young women tend to mature more then men, so she may surprise you.

Just be honest about what you're looking for and let her decide

Thank you, ive been getting some really good replies here that made me think of a lot of things.

You are listing plenty of reasons why this wouldn't work out.

Listen to your gut. Aim for women closer to your age. The difference between 20 and 30 is too big in most cases.

The maturity level between 20 and 30 is huge. In many ways, she's still a kid and hadn't experienced life yet and certainly not as much as you.

You're the one with baggage due to your past divorce. At 20, she's just starting out in life. I remember when I was 20.

I agree with others. It's better to date someone in your age bracket and same with her.

If you really are so immature you wouldn't be humming and hawing over a decision to take a 20 year old out on a date. No, contrary to your self-described immaturity, I do not think you are immature. I think you haven't dealt with the end of your marriage and you're using a host of distractions to help you forget why the marriage ended and are also, privately away from your friends or the people who know you, wondering if this person can also provide another escape for you. If you often recede into forms of escapism you'll never really grow in life.

You fear baggage in someone else but also have baggage. It's like being afraid of your own reflection. There's a lot of resentment and non-acceptance of self there. How long will you keep running from yourself?

Have courage. Move forwards and don't look for escapes especially while dating or involving others. People you know deserve more than that. Don't treat others so lightly or casually for your own personal gain.

I am a 30 year old guy, i have been divorced for a while..

Do you have any children?

Are these issues why you're divorced? It seems your thinking is along the lines of "I act like an irresponsible party animal and a 20 y/o vs someone my own chronological age would put up with this"

Well not necessarily. It also sounds like someone younger appeals to you not because of her friendliness, but because you're under the impression that there'll be less grown up demands on you.

, i still go out and drink all night, i still drive my stupid r1, i still play fifa all night and i still have my friends over for weed and alcoholic beverages D!

In general, a 20 yr olds think 30 is ancient. so just keep that in mind. I know when I was 20. I would be friendly and fun because there was no way I saw them as a paramour. like dude, you're my dad with your house, car and pension....lol. And if I got a wiff they were hitting on me? I was outta there

So just be careful you're reading this right. No offense. Im not saying you're wrong about the mutual interest...Its just a possibility.

Is she still living at home? In school?

Some of parts of her life and some of yours are so different.... its a big hurdle. The peer pressure from her family and friends could also be too intense.

Just things to consider. Young people can be emotional, irrational and fall in love super fast... the frontal lobe does not fully develop until around 25. So you really have the potential to cause a lot of harm. Especially, since you're still sowing your wild oats, round two, after your divorce.

If you don't have intentions to be more than a good time, find someone better prepared and equipped to deal with that and play on your level.

In general, a 20 yr olds think 30 is ancient. so just keep that in mind. I know when I was 20. I would be friendly and fun because there was no way I saw them as a paramour. like dude, you're my dad with your house, car and pension....lol. And if I got a wiff they were hitting on me? I was outta there

 

So just be careful you're reading this right. No offense. Im not saying you're wrong about the mutual interest...Its just a possibility.

 

Is she still living at home? In school?

 

Some of parts of her life and some of yours are so different.... its a big hurdle. The peer pressure from her family and friends could also be too intense.

 

Just things to consider. Young people can be emotional, irrational and fall in love super fast... the frontal lobe does not fully develop until around 25. So you really have the potential to cause a lot of harm. Especially, since you're still sowing your wild oats, round two, after your divorce.

 

If you don't have intentions to be more than a good time, find someone better prepared and equipped to deal with that and play on your level.

I was actually going to say basically all the same. I'm 35 now, but when I was 20, I thought a 30-year-old was old lol I know there are probably some younger people reading these forums, but I find 20-year-olds mostly pretty immature. Keep in mind I'm saying that because I'm 35, so there's a very big age gap.

When I was 19, I started seeing this guy I met on a hookup site who said he was 35. He lied and he was really 42. Anyway, I'm bringing it up because when I thought he was 35 and I was 19/20, I thought he was super old. I was actually embarrassed about his age and didn't want to be in a real relationship (he did). I never told any of my friends or family about him and didn't want my friends to see him at all. If we were out together and anyone asked anything, I lied and said he was my uncle. And I often told him he's old. Yes I was an immature and nasty piece of work lol

I mean, you could try dating this girl but my guess is she might not take you that seriously. She might just think it's fun to have a fling with an older man. I know maybe fifty years ago it was normal for a very young girl to marry an older man. But these days young people are a very different generation. From what I can see, a lot of them are very preoccupied with social media and their image on social media. Worried about their popularity and how many likes and followers they're getting and things like that. I think if you're in your 30's, you didn't grow up and have your youth with social media. So it's a very different generation and in my opinion too different to actually date.

I'm bisexual and I went on a date with a 23-year-old girl from online dating. It was a really weird date! She lived with her parents. Her parents drove her to the date and were waiting nearby to make sure everything was OK. I live in a big city with public transport by the way. Then we ran into her parents and they invited me over for dinner to their place. The girl then went on to reveal that she didn't work, her parents drove her literally everywhere. I feel bad but I kinda ghosted her after that because I found her too young and immature for me.

I agree that in all probability, it wouldn't work out.

Having said that, I've a good friend who met his partner when he was 31 and she was 21. They're now 37 and 27, and very very happy together with 2 children. I think she was more mature than your average 21 year old.

Don't over think this.

Ask her out when she gets back in town and see what she says.

You will know by the second date if you are compatible because of the age thing.

Just be honest with her and see what happens.

Lost

It definitely happens.

but you said you're not looking to get married? So their relationship is the complete opposite of what you are looking for.

I remember when I was 20 and worked with a bunch of 30 year olds and beyond. I thought 30 was "old" or even ancient (w/all due respect) because they were more settled and established with mortgages, debts, mundane routines maintaining their households and a fairly predictable existence whereas I was young and going places in life. It is very true about the generation gap and it is very real.

A 30 year old had experienced life whereas a 20 year old is just beginning to find out who she is, where her place in society is and becoming her own person. That's a lot to take in at age 20 and a 30 year old is worldly. A 20 year old is very naive at that stage in her young life. That's something you need to ponder and respect as a moral man of honor and integrity.

Be practical and realistic.

I agree that in all probability, it wouldn't work out.

 

Having said that, I've a good friend who met his partner when he was 31 and she was 21. They're now 37 and 27, and very very happy together with 2 children. I think she was more mature than your average 21 year old.

Well I think it does depend on the 20-year-old's maturity level and also what you're actually looking for. You said you're not looking for marriage. Do you mean only just at the moment? You must have wanted marriage in the past because you did actually get married? I think for something casual it's probably fine but I wouldn't think this 20-year-old girl would even want something that serious. So if you have low expectations and just to have some fun then I'd say you can ask her out.

I don't know though, most times I interact with people of that age, I just feel like they consider me old and don't want to associate with me. This year I did a sign language course at community college and the class had 35 people in it. The majority of people were young people in their late teens and 20's. They didn't seem interested in talking to me at all and only hung out with each other. There were a couple of nice girls but other than that some were actually mean and laughed at people behind their back. Or even to their face lol

How did you get her number? Did she give it to you or did you get it from her records at your work?

I would look at her going away as a blessing. I think that you should just consider her a pleasant work acquaintance. If you "Drive stupid" drink a lot, etc, you need to be alone without dating and take your own time to become a grownup. Whatever it takes - volunteer, seek counseling, go to AA to find people to hold you accountable IF you have decided that enough is enough, etc. I think the more appropriate women you meet don't have tons of baggage -- they are adulting with jobs and responsibilities, etc, and that's a drag for you. And they can smell you coming from a mile away. BUT if you only meet women who are drunk and childish such as yourself, then yeah, if a woman doesn't have her crap together - she does have baggage