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Thread: My husband has a crush on another woman and it's making me feel awful

  1. #1

    My husband has a crush on another woman and it's making me feel awful

    My husband and I have only been married since the New Year, together for about 3.

    We recently made some new friends online during the quarantine, and he ended up bonding very closely with one of the girls over a common game interest. They literally spend hours in voice calls together whilst I'm at work (he's currently at college on 3 days a week so has a lot of free time) and if I ask what he's up to he'll say he's talking to her.

    He invited her up for Halloween and a few days before that actually tried to bring up an old topic with me that we'd joked about before and suggested we ask her about a threesome with her whilst she was over. (And yes, it may be something we are open to in the future but key word being 'future', I'm not ready anytime soon for that). When I was clearly not up for it he was fine with that and had a discussion about how he loved me, I was enough for him, he didn't want to have sex with someone else and just suggested it as a 'what if' in case we wanted to fulfill a sexual fantasy that he thought I also wanted. It was during this that he commented that he still gets crushes on people, and just because he has a crush on this girl doesn't mean he doesn't love me.

    He admitted having a crush on her so easily that it blindsided me. I know people can still get crushes when in relationships, its normal. But the fact he admitted it to me made me feel uneasy and I've felt uneasy ever since. He talks to her for hours on end, and jokes with her and it all just feels like he's flirting with her in the same way he flirted with me when we first met. If he hadn't mentioned having a crush I might have just said he's being friendly with her but his confession has tainted the way I see all his interactions with her.

    He can argue it's just a harmless crush but at some point there's a boundary right? It feels like he's almost encouraging his crush rather than trying to take a step back and make sure he doesn't overstep.

    I have no one to turn to for advice and I just feel like crap. I don't know how to bring it up to him without seeming like some jealous over-bearing wife. It hurts because I'm actually friends with the girl! I like her a lot and when she was over for Halloween I enjoyed my time with her.

    But I just don't know how to bring it up to him that his actions are making me feel awful without seeming jealous for no reason.

    Any advice would be useful please. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. He seems rather insensitive and selfish. You need to not go along with nonsense like this and acquiesce to a threesome (condoned cheating). Basically he is having an emotional affair and just because he rubs it in your face does not make it cool or harmless.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    If he felt so comfortable telling you he had a crush on her then you both clearly need to have a talk.

    Thinking someone is pretty or interesting is one thing but to tell your wife of one year you have a crush on another woman is very uncaring and stupid.

    The person you should be telling this is your husband. Sit him down and let him know how what he said hurts you and you both need to talk about boundaries in the marriage. He clearly has none so there needs to be a conversation before this gets worse.

    Let me put it this way. If he can just throw out there about a 3some or having a crush on a real woman who is a friend then you certainly can bring up boundaries right?

    We teach people how to treat us so it is time to do some teaching...

    Lost

  4. #4
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    Honestly, if you opened the door for a threesome -- he's going to be on the prowl, I hate to say. I would immediately slam the door on it -- forever. Tell him If and WHEN you will be the to decide and YOU will be the one to find the third. And anyone he suggests to you will be vetoed. its wife led or doesn't happen. But honestly, your marriage might end if you do.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You'll have to be clear with yourself first where your boundaries lie. If you're open to threesomes or other individuals in the marriage, both of you have to come to an agreement of what's acceptable and what's not if it means speaking with third parties. Were you aware that he was more open to multiple relationships or an open marriage? If you're not comfortable with it, speak up. It's early days so start establishing what your dynamic is in the marriage. A lot of problems happen later on down the road when a couple is too set in their ways or the dynamics are difficult to change.

    By the way, speaking up and being clear about what you can or can't accept in a marriage is about being assertive and letting your partner know how you view or interpret certain topics. It does not mean being overbearing or jealous.

    If you can't be clear or honest with your husband, the marriage is a sham. Ask yourself what you're in it for then.

    I think you're both very young and you haven't established enough boundaries as a couple, let alone the topic of introducing third parties. Take the opportunity now to discuss it. I think the marriage is worth saving. No one should be taking precedent before the two of you in the marriage. Start now.

  7. #6
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    This guy is having an emotional affair. You need to shut this down.

    Your husband sounds like an insensitive jerk. You need to establish some boundaries in your marriage, or it won't last.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I think you two as a couple somehow have it worked out that you'll be closer if you both admit your feelings/crushes for someone else. To be honest, it seems really odd to me, even more so that you've been together (in my opinion) a short time and the shines already worn off. (If it hadn't, he wouldn't have a roving eye like this).

    I really think both of you are treading on dangerous ground trying to incorporate other people into your relationship and fooling each other that you can have 'crushes' or a threesome and it won't affect things badly.

    There is a very small percentage of couples that can actually engage in threesomes and it not ruin the relationship. It doesn't mean those types of couples are closer. They just seem to be able to switch off when it comes to sex (which has it's good and bad points).
    But the majority of couples kid themselves into thinking 'it's not a big deal' and there ends up being very damaging jealousy, or worse, someone in the couple falls for the person they've added into their sex life

    The way you talk about things, you two are not ever going to be okay with bringing others into your relationship. You're right, your husband is being far too lax on allowing himself to catch feelings for someone else, and he's spending loads of time with her. (damaging and will lead to bad things in your marriage).

    I seriously think you need to sit down and talk to him, remind him who his wife is and that there is no room for his 'crushes' or incorporating other women.
    It's going to lead to far worse things down the road, even if neither of you want to believe it will.

    You can tell yourself that, 'you're the cool wife who can handle your husband checking out other women and crushing on them', and he can openly admit his feelings for other women , while chasing them right in front of your eyes, but in the end, it will destroy your marriage. I can guarantee it.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    This is a slippery slope you are heading down. Please dont get into any 3some with her, because given how you are feeling right now, it won't be the pleasurable experience you'd like. You'd end up jealous/angry and it could ruin your marriage.

    You need to talk to him about how you feel about his closeness with this woman.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    The boundary is where you put it. If you're worried about being over bearing and you're scared to be honest with your own hubs, you're going to have to keep dealing this. If not this girl, then the next or next.

    Be true to yourself and what you expect in your marriage. That's my best advice.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    He's telling you because he knows he's in way too deep.... he hides it by smothering you with words of love for you. Don't be fooled by this. This isn't a crush this is an emotional affair...like everyone has mentioned it's a relationship ender. It's no different than an addiction. He's getting flooded with dopamine and it's all too enticing. He's going to cheat, lie, do whatever to keep it going....watch for the denial. I agree you need to step up and have a very firm conversation about boundaries.

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