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Advice for the adulterer to heal


Lovely888

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Let's take a look at the other side of "the affair", the circumstances that lead up to it and the affects on the one who cheated. After many years of marriage ups and downs my husband and I find ourselves focused more on friends, family, work rather than each other. We both faced some personal struggles (death of a sibling, job demotion, empty nesting). A job demotion affected his self confidence so he spends more and more time at work, 12-14 hour days, continues to develop bad eating habits and puts on weight. Overweight leads to heavy snoring. Night after night I find myself heading to the spare bedroom so I can sleep. He refuses to leave the bed... his snoring is my problem. He has no interest in working out with me and after eating a healthy dinner I prepared (around 9:00 pm) he eats snacks until bedtime. I focus more on my job, begin earning a lot more money which only seems to threaten him. I developed a friendship with a man I contracted with on some business dealings. This involved meetings, follow up phone calls, etc. Over a couple years we began sharing more about our personal lives. After 3 years on no sex with my husband (we both just stopped initiating it) I became physically involved with this other man. He too was married no intimacy with his wife, slept in separate beds, etc. After a year into the affair my husband received an anonymous letter. He did not tell me. Instead he placed a recording device in my car and hired a PI. I didn't know about the recording device but I immediately knew about the PI (who never was able to obtain proof). Tensions are building in the house so I confront my husband about the tracking device I found in my trunk. He told me about the letter... he was confused and devastated. I admitted to a relationship but I denied any physical involvement and agreed to seek counseling. We met with a counselor together the first time. We determined very quickly that I was still holding on to resentment for an affair that my husband had very early in the marriage but never admitted to it. There's actually a name for that ... Zegiarnik affect. Then we were asked to meet individually. I was still denying any physical involvement. My friend and I had already agreed to end the relationship. It's never quite the same in broad daylight. I certainly didn't want my family, friends, colleagues to learn about and had no intentions of ending my marriage. Prior to my individual meeting my husband had retrieved the recording devices from my car and heard enough conversation that confirmed there was indeed a physical relationship but also that it was over. He shared that with the therapist unbeknownst to me. I meet with the therapist and still denied the physical affair and then we met again as a couple. It wasn't until after my third visit with the therapist that I was informed that they both knew I was lying. So during this 3 weeks period, I'm some how expected to be all in in the bedroom after 3 years of no affection and that's going to fix it all. I learn my husband and therapist were fine with humiliating me. I'm forbiddened to ever speak or engage in any more business with my friend and to avoid all situations where our paths may cross. Which basically meant I was forced to isolate myself from pretty much everyone I associated with in my field. No group business luncheons, after hour socials, office events. I even passed on a mutual friend's engagement party to comply with my husbands needs to help us through this. My husband did make changes in his work/home life balance and took control over his health and our marriage has improved over the last year.

 

So here's the other side... no one ever asked me how I was doing with the loss of a friend and lover. How I'm coping with the isolation which has turned into loneliness. Seems the one who cheats is expected to bear the hurt and guilt for all people involved. To simply flip a switch and "poof" all feelings for the other person evaporate into thin air.

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Your tone is that of a victim. You both created this mess. You both need to commit to work together to get in on track.

But yet you seem very put-out that you are expected to keep your distance from your lover. . ?

You even go as far as wanting sympathy over the loss of your 'friend and lover'

That pretty much renders me speechless. It's also very telling about where you head is at, and it's not in your marraige. . so why even go through the motions?

 

Just curious, what was your motivation to go the therapy if you made the conscious decision to not be transparent and withhold information?

 

I guess the question here is, do you want to save this marraige? Because I don't hear it in anything you wrote.

 

It's ok to be done. You don't need anyone's permission.

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Why haven't you sought divorce?

We both faced some personal struggles he spends more and more time at work, 12-14 hour days, continues to develop bad eating habits and puts on weight. I focus more on my job, begin earning a lot more money which only seems to threaten him.

 

I developed a friendship with a man I contracted with on some business dealings. He too was married no intimacy with his wife, slept in separate beds, etc. After a year into the affair my husband received an anonymous letter. He did not tell me. Instead he placed a recording device in my car and hired a PI. I didn't know about the recording device but I immediately knew about the PI

 

My husband did make changes in his work/home life balance and took control over his health and our marriage has improved over the last year.

 

So here's the other side... no one ever asked me how I was doing with the loss of a friend and lover. How I'm coping with the isolation which has turned into loneliness. Seems the one who cheats is expected to bear the hurt and guilt for all people involved. To simply flip a switch and "poof" all feelings for the other person evaporate into thin air.

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Honestly, you missed a big part of healing by not admitting your affair to your husband and making him discover it himself.

Once your husband stopped serving your immediate needs, you bailed.

 

When a man gets demoted at work, it gravely affects his self esteem. If you would have gotten ear plugs and stayed in bed with him (suggestions for a sleep study would have been in line - not telling your husband that he was fat but that you were concerned about him stopping breathing at night when he was snoring), and done what you could to make sure he knew that you believed in him -- its something he could have come around from a bit. If your husband had suddenly started seizures or all the sudden his leg went gangrene and he had to have it amputated, would you have just tossed him aside and said "oh well?" Asking him to take time off of work and doing a getaway or something you used to enjoy would have helped, too. a man that doesn't feel he has worth is not going to make an attempt to romance you.

 

At any rate -- you made the choice to cheat and who cares how you are doing over the loss of a lover --- you certainly have no regard for how you hurt your husband. You have to learn that not all things are about you

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'm forbiddened to ever speak or engage in any more business with my friend and to avoid all situations where our paths may cross. Which basically meant I was forced to isolate myself from pretty much everyone I associated with in my field. No group business luncheons, after hour socials, office events. I even passed on a mutual friend's engagement party to comply with my husbands needs to help us through this. My husband did make changes in his work/home life balance and took control over his health and our marriage has improved over the last year.

 

That's good for your husband. Sorry, you need to suffer the consequences of your actions. if that means you seek employment elsewhere so you will not be around the other man, then that's what you have to do to keep your marriage

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So you want people to feel sorry for you for cheating on your husband? You want sympathy because your can't see your bf anymore?

 

I see that your husband did in fact make changes and IS trying where all you want to do is make excuses for your cheating and complain that you cannot spend time with your "friend". You can't even call him what he is on here.

 

Your first step is brutal honesty with yourself. Let me help you get started. "I have been extremely selfish and haven't taken any responsibility for my cheating and lying"

 

Cheaters lie and when caught they lie some more. That is what cheaters do but the first lie is the one they tell themselves.

 

If you don't want to be a cheater any longer than stop acting like one and be honest with yourself.

 

I feel a lot of sympathy for your husband

 

Lost

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Sadly, everything went wrong here. Why bother with spying/tracking if not pursuing a divorce, for example? It sounds like he wasted a lot of money on revenge and control. As well you admit your cheating was partly revenge cheating. What you have now is an arrangement, not a marriage .

 

Marriage counseling is another waste of money in this scenario because no one came to the table in order to improve the marriage.

 

Stay in separate bedrooms, stop acting like husband and wife and simply accept that you are hostile roommates. At least you'll both save money that way so that when this becomes more untenable, you can afford to divorce.

I haven't sought divorce for many reasons. Too much collateral damage in a nutshell. And my point to the post is the expected response from reinventmyself. Clearly I did not leave him/her speechless.
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Yep! That's always the sentiment... suffer. Very little consideration or acknowledgement is taken into account of what drives a person to have basic human needs.

 

Oh, balderdash. Either you want to save your marriage, or you don't. We're not the ones married to you, husband is. If he requires accountability and transparency in order to stay with you, then you get to pick whether you're on board with that.

 

If not, then go in peace to a lawyer.

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I read it but I think it's more to vent. Vent away. Whatever your choice, be kind to yourself and your husband. If you have reasons to keep the marriage going, stick to those. It's loneliness that drove you to find other company so don't let loneliness be the reason that you do something you'd rather not a second time.

 

I feel anger when I read your words... there's a lot of anger there and pain and resentment for what he did to you early on. Is it possible to let that go or is it too far gone for you?

 

I cannot imagine how painful the loss of this person is to you because I think having him made up for what you felt you never had with your husband to begin with. It's a loss of two people experienced at one time but it'll keep happening this way unless you end the cycle and end the marriage or you're able to reconnect and rekindle a romance with your husband. You can choose anger and resentment or new life. It's up to you.

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Nope. Just asking for advice. Perhaps hearing from someone who has been in my shoes and was shamed into believing the cheater doesn't warrant any guidance or support.

 

And wiseman, we have slept in the same bed now for quite some time. And we snuggle at night and have fun, and travel and enjoy our families and friends. We can certainly "afford" a divorce. It's not what I want and it's not what he wants. I can't change what happened. Just trying to move forward.

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What kind of advice are you looking for? It seemed to me that you felt ganged up on by your hubs and the doctor or that you weren't really given time and care to heal for the loss of your extra person.

 

Which honestly, is expecting too much. I imagine it does take an emotional toll on you, but expecting your victim to help you heal. I don't see that happening in any scenario.

 

It might help to find a new therapist or one of your own. I could see where you're feeling bullied. If you both cheated in the past, its hypocritical for you to bear the brunt of this. He did it, also. How was that handled?

 

In what ways are you looking for advice? How to heal the relationship, yourself, the loss? I think I need to understand more of what you're going through now.

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So I used to read a lot on marriage stuff, like a nerd, and what she's describing is real.... According to a book called, How to Affair Proof Your Marriage, the adulterer goes through a grieving process of losing the person they've bonded so strongly with. The bond is often stronger than with their actual married partner, and the sex is usually a lot more passionate somehow. All of that equates to a huge loss because yes, she was probably more in love with him than with her husband (and maybe even more in love at a deeper level than she ever was with her husband). Not saying that what she did was right, but there is a grieving process she goes through whether she wants to or not. This is why cheating is always a bad idea.

 

I think OP, in your case, you just have to deal with your decisions and the painful consequences.

 

Yes, you have to cut off all contact and accept that it will negatively impact your job. There are some couples who actually have to move to a different city so that the spouse who cheated gets a bigger degree of separation, according to that book. I think I remember reading that the adulterer may *always* have deep feelings for the person they cheated with, and that it's always now considered a threat to the marriage, even years later. So your feelings for him may always be there. Maybe they'll fade, but it's just something you'll have to live with if you stay in the marriage.

 

Your husband sounds like he didn't care at all that he'd be putting you in a position where you'd be a lot more strongly tempted to seek your emotional and physical needs elsewhere, but it still was you who made the decision to cheat. He doesn't sound like he cared that him not being sexually attractive to you was important, for instance, when he gained weight. That affects some women more than others.

 

It'd be like if a wife suddenly became so unattractive that the husband couldn't get an erection, and yet she refused to care about what this did to him. In my opinion, it sounds like that's what he did to you and then didn't care at all in fixing the problem. So I get it, but you still have to deal with the choices you made to step out and not end it. You could have divorced him and then maybe married this other guy. Cheating was not the way to go (hopefully you understand this).

 

You still victimized your husband and broke your vows, and yes, you have to be the one to fix it by losing your lover and work-group if needed to regain your husband's trust.

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Yep! That's always the sentiment... suffer. Very little consideration or acknowledgement is taken into account of what drives a person to have basic human needs.

 

I acknowledge all basic human needs. You didn't need to have sex outside your marriage. You wanted to. You had the choice to divorce first. A harder choice, sounds like, but a choice. Instead you chose to lie and cheat.

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So I reread you first post.

 

Can you answer some simple questions?

 

1. Would you have ended the cheating if the letter was never sent to your husband?

 

2. Are you more upset that you got caught cheating or that you had to stop seeing your bf on the side?

 

3. You mentioned things look different in the daylight, what do you mean by that? I know what it means to me but I am curious what you mean by it.

 

4. How was having sex with some guy supposed to make your marriage better? Guys get battered here all the time for making the excuse "my wife doesn't want to have sex and I have needs so..."

 

You seem like you are heartbroken over the wrong man. Instead of being sorry for cheating on your husband you are upset with him for making you do the right thing. You are missing a guy that clearly has zero morals as he helped you cheat and was cheating on his wife as well. Oh by the way the oldest two lines in the cheaters handbook are: "We are in a sexless marriage and are more like roommates" AND "the marriage is over and I am going to file for divorce as soon as _____"

 

If you are not IN LOVE with your husband and do not love him any longer why stay married? You said you can afford it so why not get divorced, your bf gets divorced and you two can live happily ever after? Seems pretty simple once the paperwork is all done.

 

If all you are worried about is everyone finding out you are a cheater that boat has pretty much left the harbor so why not go all in and file for divorce. I do not like divorce and champion trying to work it out all the time but you have shown you don't want to fix the problems in the marriage you just want to know how to mend your broken heart.

 

Nobody knows who you are so why not be brutally honest with us.

 

Lost

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it might be helpfu for the poster to be aware that the majority of people who come to his forum have been through alot. The stories are those who have been abandoned, abused and cheated on.

 

It will be difficult to find compassion and advise on how to get over one's lover in here.

 

But I will offer you this. How do you move on? By choice, by complete abstinence (as recommended in therapy) and by making the conscious decision to put all that energy you are otherwise wasting on missing some other guy into your marraige. Your husband deserves it and you will ultimately benefit from it.

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And wiseman, we have slept in the same bed now for quite some time. And we snuggle at night and have fun, and travel and enjoy our families and friends.

If you can't understand why you've gotten the responses you have, we just got done reading that you felt you were forced to sleep in the same bed with your husband and thought it to be a form of humiliation.

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You need to do some serious, time consuming soul searching for yourself and your husband.

 

You can't undo the past for both of you but you can reflect and think long and hard about it. Obviously, your husband's past cheating was wrong but two wrongs don't make a right and keeping score is wrong, too especially your cheating and form of "retaliation" for his cheating in your earlier years of marriage.

 

His demotion, poor eating habits, bad lifestyle and snoring are all unfortunate. The good news is that your husband has since improved his health habits and your marriage has improved overall. Then run with it! Continue being on the right track and improve yourself for your marriage for life starting NOW.

 

You need to be humble and possess a lot of humility in order for your marriage to heal, recover and survive. Sincerely apologize to your husband and don't leave anything out. Admit wrongdoing and explain to him that you truly wish to recapture why both of you wanted to get married in the first place. Think back to your dating and courtship days. You two can succeed and thrive if you both of you are in lockstep and possess concerted effort in earnest.

 

Since you're empty nesters, take advantage of the extra time and energy you two have that would've otherwise been devoted to raising a young family! Do things together whether it's cooking, taking walks, a productive project, enjoy a meal out, go on a picnic (weather permitting) or what have you. Learn to share good times together. Learn to be a normal couple who knows how to treat each other with respect and love.

 

Change the way you think and do a reset for your marriage and life. Your friend and lover has since moved on. Even though it was consensual, deep in his mind, he knows it was wrong, too. Let him carry on with his life and whatever he decides to do. Consider this time as your second and only chance to have positivity and gratitude in your life. In the meantime, behave yourself, be a proper lady, handle yourself with grace and you will be alright. You made a mistake but it doesn't mean your life is permanently ruined. You can redeem yourself by feeling remorse, changing yourself to become a better, more moral person and let your marriage blossom once more. It's not a lost cause unless you make it to be.

 

Trust can be rebuilt by taking baby steps, having compassion and a selfless attitude from both sides. If there's cooperation from both sides, your marriage has a chance to heal and start anew.

 

Get a new therapist because your current therapist is unprofessional because the therapist was in cahoots with your husband. Your therapist was supposed to be neutral yet your therapist was not.

 

As for his snoring and if he continues to snore, he should see a doctor and make an appointment for a sleep study for obstructive sleep apnea. Perhaps his snoring can be treated by using a CPAP machine. A CPAP machine will regulate his breathing pattern so he'll receive oxygen to his brain. Snoring is dangerous because snorers have elevated risk for cardiovascular disease which is nothing to take lightly. Best to consult a doctor about this snoring problem.

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