Lonely in Marriage

Hi everyone, I'm new here but I thought it would be a good idea to get some other opinions...

So I've only been married for 3 months and we're very happy and in love. My husband's work has sent him to complete a project in another city about 2 hours away, so he's only with me during the weekends. Even when he is here, he's focused on studying for a licensing exam that he's taking tomorrow. I'm trying my best to be understanding and to remind myself that it's only temporary but I can't help but feel lonely and frustrated. I mean...we're newlyweds! I don't want to blame him for this because it really isn't his fault, but I do feel like he can balance things out a bit better...Such as studying for the exam in the morning or evening and taking me out on a date, or spending some time with me the rest of the time. His personality is very much introverted so he's okay with locking himself up in the office for hours at a time. When I tried bringing this up to him he called me needy and not understanding and stated that he doesn't get a chance to study throughout the week cause he works crazy hours and the weekend is his only time. He also told me not to talk about the exam or ask him about it because it stresses him out. I believe this is unreasonable because when it comes to my responsibilities (that stress me out), he is curious and concerned and asks questions and I communicate with him. I feel shut out.

Am I being needy? Or is my concern justified? I mean there will be times in our lives in the future when we will have other responsibilities similar to his exam (such as kids, big purchases, job duties etc.) that will request our attention and effort...will he just lock himself away again?

Looking forward to your responses. Thank you in advance!

How long did you date before being married? What do you do to keep yourself busy? He is doing what he is doing to better himself and hopefully that will benefit you and your potential family. He's not supposed to take you on dates when he's working crazy hours and studying. And you need to communicate with him when he is done with the exam -not before! Be very specific and use I statements "I felt ignored when you were away and then not really here when you were here". I'm not sure why you are generalizing -I did what he did when I was in grad school, I do what he does when I have an intense work deadline - and my husband does as well. It doesn't mean that either of us are like that about everything and certainly -wouldn't you know that already since you knew his personality before you married him? He sounds very focused and ambitious. Are you ambitious about your job or career? What are you passionate about?

When I was a newlywed we became parents. Two weeks after that my husband started traveling 2-3 days at least every two weeks and sometimes more. And he was crazy busy. And he found time to be with us, to be my husband, to be a dad. I never thought of it as "oh we're newlyweds so he should be doting on me" - no -you know why? Because before we got married -I was pregnant - we'd been trying and were overjoyed - we talked about all this stuff. And even more than that I knew he was extremely ambitious and passionate about his career. It's one reason I chose him, one reason I love him so much. What about you? I bet you anything he was passionate and focused on his career before you married him -I doubt this is a sudden change.

Since the exam is tomorrow it will all be over with by the time you get a bunch of replies. I personally thing you are being ridiculous being upset that he is studying for an exam. Whatever the subject, it's always important and imperative to study and pass and move on in the chosen career. You wanting him to not study and take you out on a date is so selfish. You need to learn to amuse yourself at times when he is doing something major like studying for an exam. There will be plenty of time for fun stuff once the pressure is off of him.

You are being too needy. He is taking the test tomorrow, give the poor guy a break! Stop being so selfish.

Don't you have a life outside your husband?

How long did you date before being married? What do you do to keep yourself busy? He is doing what he is doing to better himself and hopefully that will benefit you and your potential family. He's not supposed to take you on dates when he's working crazy hours and studying. And you need to communicate with him when he is done with the exam -not before! Be very specific and use I statements "I felt ignored when you were away and then not really here when you were here". I'm not sure why you are generalizing -I did what he did when I was in grad school, I do what he does when I have an intense work deadline - and my husband does as well. It doesn't mean that either of us are like that about everything and certainly -wouldn't you know that already since you knew his personality before you married him? He sounds very focused and ambitious. Are you ambitious about your job or career? What are you passionate about?

 

When I was a newlywed we became parents. Two weeks after that my husband started traveling 2-3 days at least every two weeks and sometimes more. And he was crazy busy. And he found time to be with us, to be my husband, to be a dad. I never thought of it as "oh we're newlyweds so he should be doting on me" - no -you know why? Because before we got married -I was pregnant - we'd been trying and were overjoyed - we talked about all this stuff. And even more than that I knew he was extremely ambitious and passionate about his career. It's one reason I chose him, one reason I love him so much. What about you? I bet you anything he was passionate and focused on his career before you married him -I doubt this is a sudden change.

Thank you for your response. "I" statements would be helpful and definitely bringing this up after would be better as of course, I don't want to stress him out!

To answer your questions, I do have a busy career myself and I work really hard throughout the week. During the weekends, I occupy some time with friends, family or gym. Maybe even self-care like bubble baths or whatever. It's just at the end of the day, I want to spend some time with him. Maybe even an hour or two. I don't think i'm asking for much. In that case, me occupying myself has given him the whole day to potentially study. Instead, he decides to stay in his studio apartment out of town because "he can't focus here". I'm trying to be more understanding because focusing is difficult for him. But I miss my husband! :( The discussion about work/life balance does need to be had and i'll try discussing this with him after.

Yeah, I always knew he was like this. We've been together 6 years! I just thought he wouldn't be so *extreme* like one movie night together a week isn't unreasonable? I need it to feel connected and refreshed for another brutal week of work. But for him, he just keeps going and going, no breaks!

When I tried bringing this up to him he called me needy and not understanding and stated that he doesn't get a chance to study throughout the week cause he works crazy hours and the weekend is his only time. He also told me not to talk about the exam or ask him about it because it stresses him out.

It's too bad that he talks to you this way. How people act under stress shows their true mettle.... How long has this been going on?

That's the thing, I don't want to come off as selfish that's why I wanted to hear other people's opinions. I've never lived alone so that's hard to adjust with and I know that's not his fault or anyone's fault. Just something I need to work out. I do miss him and maybe that's also at the root of how I feel but maybe instead of being frustrated, I can express that in a loving and positive way.

Yeah, he's not usually like that but when he's stressed his bad side comes out. I guess that goes for all of us but it did hurt hearing that. He's always shut himself off when going through something stressful or negative. I'm the opposite, I vent and connect with others in times of distress. I wish he could open up more about how he feels about this because that would be the healthy thing to do in a relationship.

You are being too needy. He is taking the test tomorrow, give the poor guy a break! Stop being so selfish.

 

Don't you have a life outside your husband?

That's the thing, I don't want to come off as selfish that's why I wanted to hear other people's opinions. I've never lived alone so that's hard to adjust with and I know that's not his fault or anyone's fault. Just something I need to work out. I do miss him and maybe that's also at the root of how I feel but maybe instead of being frustrated, I can express that in a loving and positive way.

Edit** yes, I have a very busy life that's why I want to unwind with my husband like anyone else!

Your second response was a lot more telling. I do not think it is unreasonable to get one to two hours a weekend. I also find it strange that he is studying elsewhere. He spends the entire weekend away? How long has this been going on?

On the flip side, you knew he was like this, but I think there should be some compromise. What happens when you have kids? Is he going to disappear?.

You seem distrustful of his time management. Are you concerned he's not actually studying or capable enough and is managing his time poorly? The reason I'm bringing this up because there are two issues - you needing more time together as a couple and you seeming to distrust his overall capabilities. There's a real lack of respect there underlying the frustration and impatience with him. I don't doubt you're probably managing twice his workload and probably wondering why he's so slow.

The only thing I can emphasize is respect and trust. Once those are out the door, the relationship is on an egg timer and it's a matter of time when things will end.

If you can somehow preserve the mutual respect and trust, things will go a little more smoothly. I heard someone once say that the secret to a long marriage is in always believing your spouse is doing his/her best.

Your second response was a lot more telling. I do not think it is unreasonable to get one to two hours a weekend. I also find it strange that he is studying elsewhere. He spends the entire weekend away? How long has this been going on?

 

On the flip side, you knew he was like this, but I think there should be some compromise. What happens when you have kids? Is he going to disappear?.

Yeah, he spent the whole weekend away. I'm not worried about cheating or anything because I've seen him completely lock himself in his office for two days. So I know he's just doing that there lol. But yeah, exactly...that's my concern. I'll have a talk with him after his exam on setting some quality time every week, for an hour or two (when he's busy) and let him know that that's important for me. Hopefully, we can reach that compromise. Because when he doesn't have a big responsibility, we spend a good amount of time together and it's great! He just enters another portal whenever something comes up. Thanks for your insight. :)

When does the project end?

You need to let him be who he is, which is someone who needs reflection and focus.

Your way of decompressing by "venting", may be the pushing him away. Contrary to your notion that "venting"is the right way and quiet reflection is the wrong way is generating your own stress

The problem here is that you are under the false impression that you are right and "venting" AKA emotional dumping is "healthier".

Wrong. It's precisely why he needs to go to the studio to get some peace and focus.

When you stop this rationalizing and allow him to exist in the relationship as he is rather than dress up neediness and fear of being alone, you'll feel better.

Learn to self soothe. Learn how to process and reflect. Stop talking at him. "I" statements are a myth. It's just thinly veiled semantics.

I'm the opposite, I vent and connect with others in times of distress. I wish he could open up more about how he feels about this because that would be the healthy thing to do in a relationship.

Don't be a whiny, nagging wife otherwise your marriage won't have hopeful, positive footing.

Cut your husband some slack. He works 2 hours from home, he needs to concentrate on studying so he can pass the exam and works crazy hours during the week. He's crazy busy! Back off so he can pass the exam and succeed at work. Be supportive and encouraging; not a drag or his ball 'n chain.

If he doesn't wish to discuss his exam, be quiet and let him remain focused on his studies so he can do well on the exam. When you don't wish to discuss what stresses you out, tell him that you want the same courtesy you gave him by not asking about what stresses you.

Once the exam is over, you two will have more time for a date. Meanwhile, remain patient!

Since he's very busy, do your own thing and what you enjoy whether it's exercise, hobbies, crafts, industrious chores, intellectual pursuits, reading or whatever strikes your fancy. Don't make your husband your whole world. Diversify and be your own person. Then when there's more time and energy, both of you can converge and enjoy good times together.

I agree with you. Life will get even crazy busier with kids, big purchases, job duties, etc. Strike up a balance. Enjoy doing what you want to do instead of couple activities and schedule plans with your husband. Also, be reasonable and work around his schedule since he has less flexibility than you do. Marriage is about sacrifices and compromises. You have to yield a lot (within reason) if both of you want to thrive.

Congratulations on the nuptials!

I see no point in making an issue of something past-tense.

Let the guy decompress after the test, and enjoy celebrating without turning into a wet blanket.

Going forward, see how things normalize. Allow it to be a moot point if husband returns to normal.

If he doesn't, THEN you might have an issue.

I think this situation highlights a problem within you and that is what you should be focusing on.

You can't handle being alone. you've never lived alone and you feel the need to occupy every minute with someone else.

Learning to be on your own and entertaining yourself is a life skill. you might feel a little lonely but, are you being dramatic, needy and a little manipulative? It's not a permanent situation. Find some good books, get a hobbie. It will not only help you, but it will make you more interesting.. nobody likes a mope. Thrive on your own.

He has to do these things for work and for his development. Do you ever think about how he feels and how these things are important to him and that he is doing the best he can? You're adding to his stress?

part of loving someone is understanding them, supporting them and being strong for them. And by that I mean, not making them feel bad for the challenging parts of life where they might need to focus on something other than you.

Yeah, he spent the whole weekend away.

I think that's very odd. I need my space, but not to the exclusion of my partner.

I went through seven licensing exams over the course of a year (you can take up to five years) to become an architect, so it's not like I don't understand the stress of test taking or of demanding jobs.

I would never speak to my boyfriend in the way that your husband has spoken to you. It would be complete disrespect of his feelings--He doesn't deserve it and I could never justify it, no matter how stressed I am. Inexcusable.

Now that the test is over, I'd definitely talk to him about this. Hopefully, he will be receptive and you can work through it.

I think this is a really typical conflict you are seeing here. He is focused on improving his situation, and will feel with improvement of his career / qualifications he will ultimately be improving your prospects as a couple / your future / quality of life, even himself as a ‘catch’ in your eyes. It’s a goal driven mentality and by reaching out for attention at this time it can feel distracting / to the detriment of achieving the goal. Typical reaction to that stress is to turn off form it / go into his shell.

Just as typical is your need for more quality time / connection which is also really natural.

The important thing here is how you both understand each other and then communicate effectively. If he recognised your need for connection right now he might be able to tell you it’s temporary, the space he needs is not intended to be at detriment to your relationship but ultimately to improve it. As your the one on ENA - you might consider starting with saying how proud you are of his hard work and know it will be great for us long term, but it’s occasionally the space can make you feel a little lonely as you miss his presence.

I think wiseman is also right - you deal with your stress through venting and connection but there is no right and wrong / healthy and unhealthy imo, just differences.

I know occasionally frowned upon as stereo typical but have you ever read men are from Mars women are from Venus?