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Thread: BF and Daughter - Dysfunctional Family

  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2019

    BF and Daughter - Dysfunctional Family

    So Iím in a bit of a conundrum. My boyfriends daughter almost 15 now, has become a real nightmare. Her father isnít easy either, and there has been a number of issues in the past, those of which weíve tried to work on. Iíll bullet point this out so itís easier to follow:

    I should note we are NOT married. We did talk about this in the first year of dating, but with me being financially set bc of my family (I have a trust), I have way more to lose than he does by marrying anyone... anyway...

    1- boyfriend and I have been friends for 10 years, now dating for 2. We live together and his daughter now lives with us 3/4 of the time.

    2- both bf and myself have jobs that require travel. I travel with him 99% of the time. Else Iíd never see him. His daughter is watched by his mom ďnanaĒ or biomom while we are gone.

    3- one year into this relationship, I discovered bf was sneaking to visit asian parlors (not the legit kind) while I was gone, and I discovered through my own investigation that he had a history of doing so in previous relationships. He did this WHILE I was watching his kid until I caught him. I packed my and left but he begged me to stay. So against my gut I came back but would only stay if he got therapy. We went together for about 5 months. We had to stop bc of money. Since then he has not transgressed once, has talked these demons out with me, and has his life 360 app on 24/7 to show heís where he says he is. Iím still weary tho.

    4- after this though, I said I do not want to watch his kid anymore. Bitten once twice shy. This became an argument before but now heís not asked me to do a whole lot with her now. I did do a TON for her before tho... ski trips, kayaking, got her clothes, backpacks, shoes, hair stuff, decorated her room, helped her setup fish tanks you name it. I also was there for her emotionally... until she played me against her dad and everyone and had to stop. But while she was pretending to be good to me she was doing a lot of crappy stuff in secret.

    5- His kid has done a lot of strange things online... sending nudes to other kids, making new Snapchat and instagram accounts when we groundrd her for using them bc sheís being inappropriate... she lies about where she goes, has skipped school (he sends her to a private school which he honestly canít afford).. and Iím now the evil ďstep momĒ bc Iím computer savvy and found her activities and showed them to her dad so he can address it. The environment has become toxic mainly because she has voiced to her dad and nana that she would gladly have me gone if it means her never having a phone again. Typically stupid teen bs.

    6- I overheard his mom and kid talk about me... seems that his mom thinks that all the arguments he and I have are are my fault... she doesnít know about the betrayal or anything. She says Iím ďnot good, not right and that she thought heíd meet someone else.Ē She also said to the kid that maybe if her and her dad got worked out (he gets angry easily over his kids actions and causes so much stress) then maybe heíll see that Iím the problem. Kinda hurt I will say, especially all the pain I went though trying to heal from broken trust and how much I invested in everyone.

    7- We were going to move to another city but I put a stop to that bc I was NOT going to put myself in a position where Iím automatically the built in babysitter and I knew something was going on (the betrayal) I just didnít have evidence yet. So his mom blames me for ruining the the plan.

    8- now at our two year mark, kid has hated me for about 5-6 months now, and the house hold feels stressful. I spend a lot of time in my home office space and isolate myself when the kid is around. I really canít stand the attitude and how toxic she makes everything. Life is much more at peace when she isnít around.

    9- now with all the stuff happening in California, bf wants to move again... recalling the same out of state plan as before. But I donít feel comfortable going anywhere away from the kids mother bc she really does need her mom in her life. I also will NOT babysit. I mean the kid is almost 15!!! She may decide to live with her mom FT, but that would be up to her. I was hoping that we would move AFTER the kid is done with highschool (3 more years)... but seems my bf wants to leave sooner. Iím still trying to see how he could afford it or make it work bc he needs more than just his mom (nana) to watch the kid (she flies in from out of state to help!!). Heís terrible with money (good luck buying land to build a house?!) He seems like he doesnít want to ask biomom for more child care / watching help. I sense itís a pride thing. Sheís not perfect but I know she loves her daughter.

    10- on top of all this, bf has a temper. Since therapy heís done better though. He has hit things (not people), thrown things, and shouted insanely at me and his daughter. Iíve never been in a house where any of that occurs Before so Iím not used to any of that. I was going to be a cop at one point, did lots of training, so my patience and ability to deal with angry people is pretty good. And I know Iím not stuck here either, and have the ability to leave tomorrow if I wanted. Iím sadly really committed to deescalating matters, and sometimes at my own expense. I did find out his dad (now deceased) used to do the same thing but threw objects at his mother and probably him too. His coping skills can really suck and he can be very hard to talk to. Much like the stuff you see on cops tv.

    11- I keep trying to address issues as they come up but he canít handle serious topics and gets mad easily bc he feels Iím not listening. He often talks over me in discussions. And nearly alL of this behavior occurs when his kid is the topic.

    12- now my final point here, he do have a lot of fun together in sport, travel etc. just home life is rough. I wonít deny that this has been rather dysfunctional, and made so much worse with his kid. And perhaps Iím utterly retarded to think this could get any better. But 12 years of knowing this person, I feel I should try my best before giving up.

    I donít have any specific question, but maybe Iíd like to hear what you think. Iím patient, massively so... but Iím feeling Iím not going to be able to deal with much more of this unless ďsomethingĒ gets noticeably better.

    Love to all of you wonderful readers.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Surrey BC, Canada
    I think 12 years is enough to know this isn't going to work. Come on now, you don't need this crap in your life...stop being a martyr. Being a shining knight is dysfunctional in it's own right...called codependency. I think you need to gather up some strength, leave and go find your self worth. hard to see it now, but once you are out of it, it will be like taking a breath of fresh air for the first time.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Firstly I have to say well done for keeping it together. I know first hand how hard and toxic it can be when you have issues with your partners family and having issues with his child I can't even imagine how hard it is. Especially with her doing her internet activites etc. I think deep down you really know what you need to do and how long you can go on like this. There is so much disrespect and turmoil you can allow yourself to go through until you know enough is enough. You sound very knowledgable and clear headed. I know you enjoy the fun side of things and have known him for nearly a decade but that doesn't mean its always healthy to stay. I honestly think deep down you know what you need to do and need to start putting yourself first, some people are stuck in their ways and staying hoping something will change (especially if the other person isn't identifying a problem or actually takes action) isn't resolving issues. Sending you lots of positive love x

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    ugh.... this sounds painful. you know having tons of fun and traveling is the easy part that you can find with a lot of partners, right?

    I think this relationship may be bringing out the worst in you.

    You talk about the daughter like she is not a permanent part of the equation. she is the child and of course her Nana is going to talk to her in a way that supports her. she's is young and a child of divorce. its a lot.

    People seem to think kids only exist in the parent's life until they are 18. which is completely wrong. this is his child for life.

    10 years of friendship, eh... I'm not trying to sound like I'm judging but we all have long friendships but how well do you really know another person?

    and the massage parlors or whatever they are called, ew.... did you know he went to those while you were just friends?

    why can't you afford therapy if you both work?

    With all these flags, why hold on to this? Surely you can do better. you're not married... seems like a lot of sacrifice in your part without much in return.

    lastly, always listen to your gut.


  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Sorry to hear this. You need to move out. "Hanging in there" condones and enables all of this. He's "not listening" because he doesn't want to change and has no reason to because you simply stay.

    You're incompatible and he seems to be wreaking havoc with your life. My advice about him remains the same:
    [Register to see the link]

  7. #6
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Maybe it's time to move out on your own, rather than play the role of a PI, and constantly refer to his daughter as "the kid."

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Don't address issues anymore because it's like beating a dead horse. It will get you nowhere.

    Since the daughter is here to stay in her father's life, you're the one who needs to dissolve and exit the relationship with your boyfriend. Your boyfriend is some piece of work, too. You can't trust him. So what if you have fun together? It doesn't override the fact that there's something wrong with him and he'll never give you the type of normal relationship you wish for.

    Conditions will not improve. Let reality make your ultimate decision regarding whether you want to stay or leave.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Sydney Australia
    So you went from doing lots of things with & for "the kid" to doing nothing?
    Did you explain to her what was happening, or did you just drop her like a hot rock?
    No wonder she has issues, I feel really sorry for her.'
    Move out & let her & her Dad try to repair their relationship. You sound very toxic

  10. #9
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Nothing has changed in a year. Nothing.

    You don't get a prize or brownie points for staying in a bad relationship. Why do this to yourself?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Good grief. End this! Why do you like putting yourself through so much agony!?

  12. 11-01-2020, 11:51 PM
    use the contact form

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