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Tinydance

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I'm feeling a bit unsure about this so thought I would see what people think. I'm 35 and I met a guy who is 38 on an online dating app. Not a hookup app or anything, just a normal one. We were messaging back and forth for a while on the app and then I suggested a video call due to strict COVID restrictions in my state. We had a three hour video call and the conversation seemed to be going well. At the end of the video chat he said that he thought it went really well and he's hoping we can chat more and hopefully also go on a real date.

 

I was interested in him because I was attracted to him and also thought he seemed really nice and what I'm looking for. I'm looking for monogamous marriage and to have kids. On his profile it said he's monogamous and "possibly wants kids". He also owns his own house and he has a Ph. D degree and he's been working in IT for a well-known university for 15+ years. He also loves animals and I do too. We both really enjoy board games too.

 

After one day after our video chat, he messaged me on the dating site and said he really enjoyed our chat and would like to keep talking. So we messaged a bit more and I suggested we virtually watch a movie together as a virtual date and chat about it. We watched a two hour movie and afterwards talked on Zoom video call for one hour. After one hour he said he was tired and needed to sleep, but he enjoyed our chats and hoped to talk more soon.

 

After that I actually heard nothing at all from him for 1.5 weeks. But to be fair I actually didn't message him either because I'd suggested the movie date. So I guess I was hoping he would suggest the next one. Then after 1.5 weeks I got a message from him on the website and it was a bit random. He didn’t say anything about why he didn't contact me so long. He just started a chat as if we'd still been talking the whole time. Just started the message with saying he's having Birthday party at a pub this weekend (it's allowed now), he wants to go to hardware store because shops opened up, and asked how am I doing. Pretty short message.

 

I'm not sure what to think about it. Another thing is in both our video chats he mentioned his ex in some detail, which I found inappropriate. In our first video call he said he got his cat from his ex, which belonged to her child. But she had bad mental health issues and didn't have custody of her child and couldn't take care of the cat or something, so he took it.

 

In our second video call he mentioned his ex again. He told me this really full-on story. He said he was seeing a psychologist for a year because he was stabbed with a knife and he had PTSD. His ex's friend who was on drugs and over at their place stabbed him. But apparently his ex was having some kind of psychiatric episode and she was actually threatening her friend. He said his ex was a nice person but she was just very mentally unwell with Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

To be fair mostly he talked about other things and also I'm qualified in mental health and am a welfare worker. So people actually often start telling me this stuff, even random people like Uber drivers.

 

Any thoughts on this? In the video calls the guy didn't seem weird or anything but he did seem kind of socially awkward. The fact that he didn’t contact me for 1.5 weeks kind of shows he's probably not that interested but he did message again? I'm not sure if to just catch up in person to see how it goes? It's allowed now but you just have to wear a face mask.

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he has a Ph. D degree and he's been working in IT for a well-known university for 15+ years.

 

He said he was seeing a psychologist for a year because he was stabbed with a knife and he had PTSD. His ex's friend who was on drugs and over at their place stabbed him. But apparently his ex was having some kind of psychiatric episode and she was actually threatening her friend.

 

There is a gap here, he is either lying about something or he is indeed a strange fellow.

 

I wouldn't worry so much about the 1,5 weeks of no contact, I would worry more about his mental health status. Regardless you have nothing to lose by meeting him one time.

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I'd be mostly concerned with the company he had chosen to keep. With the ex he had and the crowd he hung out with--drugs, being stabbed, a woman so messed up she couldn't have custody of her child--dysfunctional people attract, and are attracted to, other dysfunctional people.

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There is a gap here, he is either lying about something or he is indeed a strange fellow.

 

I wouldn't worry so much about the 1,5 weeks of no contact, I would worry more about his mental health status. Regardless you have nothing to lose by meeting him one time.

 

Well what I found a bit worrying is that he was mentioning his ex without particular need to. I actually find it off putting when people mention their ex in early dating and I never mention mine unless directly asked. I was actually engaged to be married previously, mind you lol (but ended a year ago). The other thing I find interesting is how people just start telling me personal things about themselves and their mental health and so on. But a lot of people do it after I mention I'm a welfare worker and work with people with disabilities and mental health conditions. I had one guy from speed dating on our first date extensively talk about how he thinks he has OCD and narcissistic personality disorder, and could I help him diagnose it! I had an Uber driver talk about his problems to me for 45 minutes after I mentioned about my job. I couldn't wait to get out of the Uber lol

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I'd be mostly concerned with the company he had chosen to keep. With the ex he had and the crowd he hung out with--drugs, being stabbed, a woman so messed up she couldn't have custody of her child--dysfunctional people attract, and are attracted to, other dysfunctional people.

 

Yes actually that's a very good point! That's what I was worried about too. And the fact that he was so freely just giving that information, without any prompting.

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When I met people through online dating sites I was much more selective about screening out. I agree with Andrina and I'd keep my distance. I think he's oversharing to "warn" you and to tell himself that if you proceed with him you can't say he didn't tell you he was a drama filled train wreck.

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Tiny, maybe you unconsciously invite people to unload their problems with you because of your sympathetic nature, so I wouldn't be too concerned about his mentioning the ex wife.

 

The 1.5 weeks of no contact is nothing. People have lives, and some people aren't eager to move quickly in an online dating scenario. But the stabbing scenario would scare me the most. I would definitely want to investigate that more thoroughly before I invested any more of myself in him.

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In my experience, the company you keep can say a lot. I’ve ignored things like that because of my feelings for the person, but usually it finds it’s way back eventually. That does sound a lot of drama, and a lot to take it so soon. Not appropriate in those very early stages. Although he must’ve known it couldn’t help his chances.

 

Maybe he really cared for her though, thought he could help her through all of her problems and then it severely backfired. I’ve been there too. I guess an in person date couldn’t hurt if you really want to see. Just keep your ears and eyes wide open, which I have no doubt you would.

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There could be many reasons for the lag in communication, but a pretty obvious one is that he is multi-dating and his attention was focused elsewhere.

 

As far as the disclosures that involved his ex - while the stabbing story might raise some red flags, it seems like it was a pretty traumatic event in his life and perhaps he is struggling with knowing when/how to talk with a new person about it. As for the cat, it sounds like he was simply telling you where and how he came to own it. If he had said "I got it from a former friend who was unable to care for the animal" would you feel differently?

 

Overall, I would suggest keeping your options open (if you aren't all ready).

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I'd be mostly concerned with the company he had chosen to keep. With the ex he had and the crowd he hung out with--drugs, being stabbed, a woman so messed up she couldn't have custody of her child--dysfunctional people attract, and are attracted to, other dysfunctional people.

 

^This. Also, I think that going awol for 1.5 weeks and then chatting like he didn't and not even acknowledging that he had disappeared is another one of those glaring red flags. It's basically testing what you are willing put up with and tolerate.

 

If you are looking for a marriage partner, then look for a man who demonstrates through all his actions that he is sane, stable, reliable, and consistent with you. This guy is showing the opposite.

 

Also beware that disordered people target sympathetic personalities. Be sure that you have very firm boundaries and walk away fast when someone is over sharing early on this kind of information and that their life is full of drama and chaos of this extreme. It's not your job to date them out of pity, it's your job to weed them right out and not bring chaos into your own life through them.

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This is a tough one because you haven't met in person.

 

The gap in contact was him chatting to another woman more than likely. It is all fair game so that shouldn't bother you.

 

So the other stuff would have come out sooner or later so is it such a bad thing you know sooner? It would suck to start falling for the guy and then learn about his trauma.

 

The company he keeps is unsettling but none of us know the extent of that and getting stabbed is hardly his fault.

 

If you choose to meet him take it really slow and if he is not the guy for you it will show pretty quickly once you meet in person.

 

Everyone has a past and everyone has baggage, the only question is how much and how big of a cart they need to carry it.

 

I wouldn't ask why he disappeared for a over a week since neither of you owe the other anything at this point but if your gut says give him a shot at an in person meeting then do a lunch date or coffee.

 

It can be really hard to find someone doing OLD so I know it is tempting to take a chance, just be careful.

 

Lost

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^This. Also, I think that going awol for 1.5 weeks and then chatting like he didn't and not even acknowledging that he had disappeared is another one of those glaring red flags. It's basically testing what you are willing put up with and tolerate.

 

If you are looking for a marriage partner, then look for a man who demonstrates through all his actions that he is sane, stable, reliable, and consistent with you. This guy is showing the opposite.

 

Also beware that disordered people target sympathetic personalities. Be sure that you have very firm boundaries and walk away fast when someone is over sharing early on this kind of information and that their life is full of drama and chaos of this extreme. It's not your job to date them out of pity, it's your job to weed them right out and not bring chaos into your own life through them.

 

Great points. Also not sure he wants kids is honest and I think you want someone who is 110% enthusiastic about having kids, especially by age 38.

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Great points. Also not sure he wants kids is honest and I think you want someone who is 110% enthusiastic about having kids, especially by age 38.

 

Yes good catch on that as well. Possibly wants kids is a bit of bs and hedging.

 

OP, at 35 if you are serious about wanting a family, please don't waste your time on troubled men who don't really quite know what they want.

 

Again, look for a guy who is crystal clear that he wants marriage, that he wants a family (not maybe, not might, but does), that he is stable, sane, consistent, reliable.

 

As for contact, of course, nobody owes you regular contact and anyone can come up with a million excuses for why, but the harsh reality is that it is a weed out point. If you are good with a casual deal, then sure, consistency doesn't matter so much. If you are looking for a life partner, consistency matters. Not talking about daily or over the top, but regular consistent contact should be his normal MO and something you screen for.

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I would view these video calls, messages and all activities not in person, as info grabbing opportunities to determine if an in person meeting is something you want to do. it means very little more than that.

 

So what have you learned about this guy? Most of it, honestly, did not sound like what you are looking for... Emotionally stable, potential husband and father material.

 

Bringing up exes, crazy stories about unsavory types, emotional problems, aside from being red flags, as to who he is, but also indicative of poor judgment. When I'm just getting go know someone, I'm putting my best foot forward. Are these the stories he will tell to your friends and family at the first meeting?

 

Maybe people confide these seemingly private and personal details in you because a lot of unbalanced, unhealthy people do not see these items as that crazy. This their normal life. Its not a confidante situation.

 

So you have to wonder, is this ex, this stabbing, just this week's story?

 

I think you can do better... And yeah, no contact for a week and a half, may not be a big deal, but don't be surprised if if happens again....

 

Remember 1. you get what you settle for and 2. Its not your job to fix him. (As a mental health worker, you assist your patients, not partners or in this case projects)

 

Keep looking...

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Another thing is in both our video chats he mentioned his ex in some detail, which I found inappropriate. In our first video call he said he got his cat from his ex, which belonged to her child. But she had bad mental health issues and didn't have custody of her child and couldn't take care of the cat or something, so he took it.

 

In our second video call he mentioned his ex again. He told me this really full-on story. He said he was seeing a psychologist for a year because he was stabbed with a knife and he had PTSD. His ex's friend who was on drugs and over at their place stabbed him. But apparently his ex was having some kind of psychiatric episode and she was actually threatening her friend. He said his ex was a nice person but she was just very mentally unwell with Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

As soon as I read this, I thought, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. Abort mission.

 

It's too much. Andrina makes a good point. You can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep, and the situations they're involved in.

 

I also agree with Batya:

 

I think he's oversharing to "warn" you and to tell himself that if you proceed with him you can't say he didn't tell you he was a drama filled train wreck.

 

Ordinarily, I wouldn't think much about the 1.5 week disappearance. What makes it weird is the fact that you guys were communicating pretty intensely right before that, and that he was oversharing pretty significantly. Then he has nothing to share about his radio silence. It's just very hot-and-cold. Flippity floppity.

 

I think this is true, too:

people confide these seemingly private and personal details... because a lot of unbalanced, unhealthy people do not see these items as that crazy. This their normal life. Its not a confidante situation.

 

Definitely keep this guy in perspective.

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We are each entitled to our own degree of discretion. When it comes to screening for dates, I'm just as interested in screening OUT people I don't want to spend time with as I am in finding a needle in the haystack.

 

I value my time--a lot. Someone who demonstrates good judgment is at the top of my list of what's important to me. So someone who spills his guts over being victimized by his lousy choices of people in his life would be a dealbreaker for me.

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We are each entitled to our own degree of discretion. When it comes to screening for dates, I'm just as interested in screening OUT people I don't want to spend time with as I am in finding a needle in the haystack.

 

I value my time--a lot. Someone who demonstrates good judgment is at the top of my list of what's important to me. So someone who spills his guts over being victimized by his lousy choices of people in his life would be a dealbreaker for me.

 

This is very true, CF. When I think about a partner, it has to be someone that brings value to the relationship and one's life. Relationships are investments we buy with our time. And we have to choose wisely. Who wants a fixer upper as a spouse or parent to our children?

 

Tiny, I was thinking of your situation and I relate. Dating is time consuming and there is a lot of weeding out. And I know, I've wanted to give guys a chance because no one is perfect. But you also have to balance your time (wasted) on someone that has too many red flags, from the start.

 

I try not to look at it too negatively. Rather, I try to support myself and my judgment. Being glad I didn't waste my time. The guy might be an otherwise good guy, just too many issues.

 

For example, I met a guy. Seemed smart, successful, easy going.... But by the time we had one coffee, I learned he is a recovering alcohol, a victim of extreme childhood abuse, was homeless for a time, ended an unhappy 20 year relationship in the past 2 years, was diagnosed with Complex PTSD, described himself as having severely low self esteem that needed a lot of reassurance and the father of 3 under 18.

 

I knew about being a father. Im not saying that is a red flag. But look at that list... And he spoke of it all very calmly and rationally. But in my mind, fast forward 6 months with this guy... It could be a real mess. Nice guy or not. Where would my own needs fit in there?

 

Where would you fit with this guy and all this crap? Where is the space for you? You deserve someone that is whole and happily thriving on his own, looking for someone to build with and share a good life together.

 

Just something to consider.

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I agree, Lambert and one reason I was more selective when I met people through dating sites is there was no one to vouch for them. For example if someone had a hard time of things but we had a close mutual friend who explained how the person had his act together now that would be different.

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I agree, Lambert and one reason I was more selective when I met people through dating sites is there was no one to vouch for them. For example if someone had a hard time of things but we had a close mutual friend who explained how the person had his act together now that would be different.

 

Good point... On line always seems to come back to one main theme... Until you know them in person, you just have to be really skeptical. People who use on line to date, are not inherently cheaters, liars, fakes etc but! On line makes it easier for those types to blend in. We must use common sense like...

 

If it seems to good to be true, it is.

You can't judge a book by its cover.

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it's a duck.

Never a lender nor a borrower be.

Idle hands are the devil's workshop.

 

Lol... I could go on....

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On line always seems to come back to one main theme... Until you know them in person, you just have to be really skeptical. People who use on line to date, are not inherently cheaters, liars, fakes etc but! On line makes it easier for those types to blend in. We must use common sense [...]....

 

Yes! This is why I like a suggestion by Dr. Joy Browne to use dating apps as a form of 'speed meeting' rather than trying to form a 'relationship' online.

 

That's just fantasy-building 'around' the fact that you really know nothing of this person at all. You're filling in, and that's not only dangerous, because it's easy to fall in love with our own fantasies, but it's also a big time waster.

 

Don't invest in anyone until you've met them. This avoids the trap of creating fantasies that will blind you to the reality that the 'chemistry' you're building is your own. Instead, narrow your criteria to only people who are local enough to meet up for a quick coffee on your way home from work.

 

Set up many quick meets with many people, not just one, as this makes it easier to screen, knowing that you have others on deck. Agree to keep your meeting to a half hour or less, and neither can corner the other on the spot for a real date. Either can invite the other afterward, and if the answer is yes, the other responds. If not, then no response is necessary.

 

This takes squirmy rejection stuff off the table--and no need to 'break up' with a fantasy.

 

Chances are, you'll learn within 5 minutes whether you feel enough chemistry with a given person to Pay Attention to the convo. Chances are, also, that this feeling will be few and far between--the needle in the haystack.

 

But that's the point! Real life chemistry is RARE, and it's supposed to be rare--or what would be special about it? We aren't Best Friends with everyone we meet. Considering that we can have more than one good friend, but only ONE lover if we're monogamous, doesn't it makes sense to use more discretion when seeking a partner than we would in investing our time in friendships that don't really motivate us beyond acquaintanceships?

 

Ask real questions, like "How long since your last breakup," "Are you legally still married?" and "What's your purpose in dating?" Screen out rebounders regardless of how clear THEY may be that they aren't rebounding, and skip anyone who's reasons for dating aren't clear or don't match your own.

 

This isn't about judging whether someone is a worthy person--everyone is worthy, just not necessarily a RIGHT match.

 

Head high, and always use your smarts in your own favor instead of working against your long range goals.

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