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Thread: Guy on online dating

  1. #1
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    Guy on online dating

    I'm feeling a bit unsure about this so thought I would see what people think. I'm 35 and I met a guy who is 38 on an online dating app. Not a hookup app or anything, just a normal one. We were messaging back and forth for a while on the app and then I suggested a video call due to strict COVID restrictions in my state. We had a three hour video call and the conversation seemed to be going well. At the end of the video chat he said that he thought it went really well and he's hoping we can chat more and hopefully also go on a real date.

    I was interested in him because I was attracted to him and also thought he seemed really nice and what I'm looking for. I'm looking for monogamous marriage and to have kids. On his profile it said he's monogamous and "possibly wants kids". He also owns his own house and he has a Ph. D degree and he's been working in IT for a well-known university for 15+ years. He also loves animals and I do too. We both really enjoy board games too.

    After one day after our video chat, he messaged me on the dating site and said he really enjoyed our chat and would like to keep talking. So we messaged a bit more and I suggested we virtually watch a movie together as a virtual date and chat about it. We watched a two hour movie and afterwards talked on Zoom video call for one hour. After one hour he said he was tired and needed to sleep, but he enjoyed our chats and hoped to talk more soon.

    After that I actually heard nothing at all from him for 1.5 weeks. But to be fair I actually didn't message him either because I'd suggested the movie date. So I guess I was hoping he would suggest the next one. Then after 1.5 weeks I got a message from him on the website and it was a bit random. He didnít say anything about why he didn't contact me so long. He just started a chat as if we'd still been talking the whole time. Just started the message with saying he's having Birthday party at a pub this weekend (it's allowed now), he wants to go to hardware store because shops opened up, and asked how am I doing. Pretty short message.

    I'm not sure what to think about it. Another thing is in both our video chats he mentioned his ex in some detail, which I found inappropriate. In our first video call he said he got his cat from his ex, which belonged to her child. But she had bad mental health issues and didn't have custody of her child and couldn't take care of the cat or something, so he took it.

    In our second video call he mentioned his ex again. He told me this really full-on story. He said he was seeing a psychologist for a year because he was stabbed with a knife and he had PTSD. His ex's friend who was on drugs and over at their place stabbed him. But apparently his ex was having some kind of psychiatric episode and she was actually threatening her friend. He said his ex was a nice person but she was just very mentally unwell with Borderline Personality Disorder.

    To be fair mostly he talked about other things and also I'm qualified in mental health and am a welfare worker. So people actually often start telling me this stuff, even random people like Uber drivers.

    Any thoughts on this? In the video calls the guy didn't seem weird or anything but he did seem kind of socially awkward. The fact that he didnít contact me for 1.5 weeks kind of shows he's probably not that interested but he did message again? I'm not sure if to just catch up in person to see how it goes? It's allowed now but you just have to wear a face mask.

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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    he has a Ph. D degree and he's been working in IT for a well-known university for 15+ years.

    He said he was seeing a psychologist for a year because he was stabbed with a knife and he had PTSD. His ex's friend who was on drugs and over at their place stabbed him. But apparently his ex was having some kind of psychiatric episode and she was actually threatening her friend.
    There is a gap here, he is either lying about something or he is indeed a strange fellow.

    I wouldn't worry so much about the 1,5 weeks of no contact, I would worry more about his mental health status. Regardless you have nothing to lose by meeting him one time.

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    I'd be mostly concerned with the company he had chosen to keep. With the ex he had and the crowd he hung out with--drugs, being stabbed, a woman so messed up she couldn't have custody of her child--dysfunctional people attract, and are attracted to, other dysfunctional people.

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    Originally Posted by dias
    There is a gap here, he is either lying about something or he is indeed a strange fellow.

    I wouldn't worry so much about the 1,5 weeks of no contact, I would worry more about his mental health status. Regardless you have nothing to lose by meeting him one time.
    Well what I found a bit worrying is that he was mentioning his ex without particular need to. I actually find it off putting when people mention their ex in early dating and I never mention mine unless directly asked. I was actually engaged to be married previously, mind you lol (but ended a year ago). The other thing I find interesting is how people just start telling me personal things about themselves and their mental health and so on. But a lot of people do it after I mention I'm a welfare worker and work with people with disabilities and mental health conditions. I had one guy from speed dating on our first date extensively talk about how he thinks he has OCD and narcissistic personality disorder, and could I help him diagnose it! I had an Uber driver talk about his problems to me for 45 minutes after I mentioned about my job. I couldn't wait to get out of the Uber lol

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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    I'd be mostly concerned with the company he had chosen to keep. With the ex he had and the crowd he hung out with--drugs, being stabbed, a woman so messed up she couldn't have custody of her child--dysfunctional people attract, and are attracted to, other dysfunctional people.
    Yes actually that's a very good point! That's what I was worried about too. And the fact that he was so freely just giving that information, without any prompting.

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    When I met people through online dating sites I was much more selective about screening out. I agree with Andrina and I'd keep my distance. I think he's oversharing to "warn" you and to tell himself that if you proceed with him you can't say he didn't tell you he was a drama filled train wreck.

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    Platinum Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Tiny, maybe you unconsciously invite people to unload their problems with you because of your sympathetic nature, so I wouldn't be too concerned about his mentioning the ex wife.

    The 1.5 weeks of no contact is nothing. People have lives, and some people aren't eager to move quickly in an online dating scenario. But the stabbing scenario would scare me the most. I would definitely want to investigate that more thoroughly before I invested any more of myself in him.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. He really needs to videochat with health professionals, psychologists, doctors, etc. He is at least being honest, but this is way too much emotional dumping.

  10. #9
    Gold Member Coldarmy13's Avatar
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    In my experience, the company you keep can say a lot. Iíve ignored things like that because of my feelings for the person, but usually it finds itís way back eventually. That does sound a lot of drama, and a lot to take it so soon. Not appropriate in those very early stages. Although he mustíve known it couldnít help his chances.

    Maybe he really cared for her though, thought he could help her through all of her problems and then it severely backfired. Iíve been there too. I guess an in person date couldnít hurt if you really want to see. Just keep your ears and eyes wide open, which I have no doubt you would.

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    There could be many reasons for the lag in communication, but a pretty obvious one is that he is multi-dating and his attention was focused elsewhere.

    As far as the disclosures that involved his ex - while the stabbing story might raise some red flags, it seems like it was a pretty traumatic event in his life and perhaps he is struggling with knowing when/how to talk with a new person about it. As for the cat, it sounds like he was simply telling you where and how he came to own it. If he had said "I got it from a former friend who was unable to care for the animal" would you feel differently?

    Overall, I would suggest keeping your options open (if you aren't all ready).

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