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Thread: Guy on online dating

  1. #11
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    I'd be mostly concerned with the company he had chosen to keep. With the ex he had and the crowd he hung out with--drugs, being stabbed, a woman so messed up she couldn't have custody of her child--dysfunctional people attract, and are attracted to, other dysfunctional people.
    ^This. Also, I think that going awol for 1.5 weeks and then chatting like he didn't and not even acknowledging that he had disappeared is another one of those glaring red flags. It's basically testing what you are willing put up with and tolerate.

    If you are looking for a marriage partner, then look for a man who demonstrates through all his actions that he is sane, stable, reliable, and consistent with you. This guy is showing the opposite.

    Also beware that disordered people target sympathetic personalities. Be sure that you have very firm boundaries and walk away fast when someone is over sharing early on this kind of information and that their life is full of drama and chaos of this extreme. It's not your job to date them out of pity, it's your job to weed them right out and not bring chaos into your own life through them.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    This is a tough one because you haven't met in person.

    The gap in contact was him chatting to another woman more than likely. It is all fair game so that shouldn't bother you.

    So the other stuff would have come out sooner or later so is it such a bad thing you know sooner? It would suck to start falling for the guy and then learn about his trauma.

    The company he keeps is unsettling but none of us know the extent of that and getting stabbed is hardly his fault.

    If you choose to meet him take it really slow and if he is not the guy for you it will show pretty quickly once you meet in person.

    Everyone has a past and everyone has baggage, the only question is how much and how big of a cart they need to carry it.

    I wouldn't ask why he disappeared for a over a week since neither of you owe the other anything at this point but if your gut says give him a shot at an in person meeting then do a lunch date or coffee.

    It can be really hard to find someone doing OLD so I know it is tempting to take a chance, just be careful.

    Lost

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    He may be an okay guy but not someone you want to marry. If you're very determined to find someone dependable and reliable, I don't think this person is it. I wouldn't date him seriously.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    ^This. Also, I think that going awol for 1.5 weeks and then chatting like he didn't and not even acknowledging that he had disappeared is another one of those glaring red flags. It's basically testing what you are willing put up with and tolerate.

    If you are looking for a marriage partner, then look for a man who demonstrates through all his actions that he is sane, stable, reliable, and consistent with you. This guy is showing the opposite.

    Also beware that disordered people target sympathetic personalities. Be sure that you have very firm boundaries and walk away fast when someone is over sharing early on this kind of information and that their life is full of drama and chaos of this extreme. It's not your job to date them out of pity, it's your job to weed them right out and not bring chaos into your own life through them.
    Great points. Also not sure he wants kids is honest and I think you want someone who is 110% enthusiastic about having kids, especially by age 38.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member gsxr104's Avatar
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    This may sound like I'm crazy but you dodged a bullet here.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Great points. Also not sure he wants kids is honest and I think you want someone who is 110% enthusiastic about having kids, especially by age 38.
    Yes good catch on that as well. Possibly wants kids is a bit of bs and hedging.

    OP, at 35 if you are serious about wanting a family, please don't waste your time on troubled men who don't really quite know what they want.

    Again, look for a guy who is crystal clear that he wants marriage, that he wants a family (not maybe, not might, but does), that he is stable, sane, consistent, reliable.

    As for contact, of course, nobody owes you regular contact and anyone can come up with a million excuses for why, but the harsh reality is that it is a weed out point. If you are good with a casual deal, then sure, consistency doesn't matter so much. If you are looking for a life partner, consistency matters. Not talking about daily or over the top, but regular consistent contact should be his normal MO and something you screen for.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I would view these video calls, messages and all activities not in person, as info grabbing opportunities to determine if an in person meeting is something you want to do. it means very little more than that.

    So what have you learned about this guy? Most of it, honestly, did not sound like what you are looking for... Emotionally stable, potential husband and father material.

    Bringing up exes, crazy stories about unsavory types, emotional problems, aside from being red flags, as to who he is, but also indicative of poor judgment. When I'm just getting go know someone, I'm putting my best foot forward. Are these the stories he will tell to your friends and family at the first meeting?

    Maybe people confide these seemingly private and personal details in you because a lot of unbalanced, unhealthy people do not see these items as that crazy. This their normal life. Its not a confidante situation.

    So you have to wonder, is this ex, this stabbing, just this week's story?

    I think you can do better... And yeah, no contact for a week and a half, may not be a big deal, but don't be surprised if if happens again....

    Remember 1. you get what you settle for and 2. Its not your job to fix him. (As a mental health worker, you assist your patients, not partners or in this case projects)

    Keep looking...

  9. #18
    Gold Member waffle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. He really needs to videochat with health professionals, psychologists, doctors, etc. He is at least being honest, but this is way too much emotional dumping.
    I agree with this. Is he looking for a date or a therapist?

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    Another thing is in both our video chats he mentioned his ex in some detail, which I found inappropriate. In our first video call he said he got his cat from his ex, which belonged to her child. But she had bad mental health issues and didn't have custody of her child and couldn't take care of the cat or something, so he took it.

    In our second video call he mentioned his ex again. He told me this really full-on story. He said he was seeing a psychologist for a year because he was stabbed with a knife and he had PTSD. His ex's friend who was on drugs and over at their place stabbed him. But apparently his ex was having some kind of psychiatric episode and she was actually threatening her friend. He said his ex was a nice person but she was just very mentally unwell with Borderline Personality Disorder.
    As soon as I read this, I thought, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. Abort mission.

    It's too much. Andrina makes a good point. You can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep, and the situations they're involved in.

    I also agree with Batya:

    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I think he's oversharing to "warn" you and to tell himself that if you proceed with him you can't say he didn't tell you he was a drama filled train wreck.
    Ordinarily, I wouldn't think much about the 1.5 week disappearance. What makes it weird is the fact that you guys were communicating pretty intensely right before that, and that he was oversharing pretty significantly. Then he has nothing to share about his radio silence. It's just very hot-and-cold. Flippity floppity.

    I think this is true, too:
    Originally Posted by Lambert
    people confide these seemingly private and personal details... because a lot of unbalanced, unhealthy people do not see these items as that crazy. This their normal life. Its not a confidante situation.
    Definitely keep this guy in perspective.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    We are each entitled to our own degree of discretion. When it comes to screening for dates, I'm just as interested in screening OUT people I don't want to spend time with as I am in finding a needle in the haystack.

    I value my time--a lot. Someone who demonstrates good judgment is at the top of my list of what's important to me. So someone who spills his guts over being victimized by his lousy choices of people in his life would be a dealbreaker for me.

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