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Thread: Forced break up due to family

  1. #1

    Forced break up due to family

    Just wanted to share my story and get some insight from people here.

    My bf and I had to break up because of his family's disapproval. Unlike most other stories, the disapproval was not really personal to me. We had been dating many months now, and he's honestly the most compatible partner I have ever met in my life. We align in almost every single way, and in just the first few months, we had reached the sort of levels people usually reach after a year or 2. I've had several relationships in the past, but none of my other exes even come close in terms of compatibility and the love I felt for him.

    The family's disapproval stems from the fact that he had been cheated on in his past relationships, and they feel he isn't ready for a relationship, nor trust his judgment of character and anyone he meets. He's in his mid-20s mind you (I'm a little older), and very much an adult who should be able to make his own decisions about his life.
    But they objected so strongly to the fact that he's in a relationship they think he isn't ready for, that they threatened to disown him. Now his family isn't the greatest, they're stubborn and judgmental and have never been a tight nor supportive family unit. They usually don't give a crap about each other's lives, but this one time, they all decided to meddle.

    He doesn't live with the family btw, but very near to his bro. His bro came around when I was over one day, and he decided to tell the bro he was in a serious relationship and that's when the whole drama started and all other family members were brought in.

    It honestly pissed me off because they didn't even give us a chance. Not even a chance to try to get to know me before they decided. And the irony of it all is, I have a very strong stance on cheating and unfaithfulness, and I would never even think about cheating on him.

    He didn't have the mental strength to fight them, because the fear of getting disowned and not having family constantly got to him. Even if they were a crappy family, they were still his family. It did upset me and broke my heart that he didn't fight for even a chance with me, but at the same time, I understand how scary it can be when the threat of being disowned looms over the relationship.

    We've since decided to stay friends and still talk every day, just without the lovey dovey stuff, but it's been difficult when feelings are so strong. This was the only strategy we could think of to even have a chance of being together in the future. And it's only a chance since we don't know if the family will ever let him live his own life or allow us to get back together. It's only been a few days but I've been bouncing between heartache and apathy. It's not easy for him either, because he does want to be with me and if not for this, we would still be very happy together.

    I just hate that it's become so uncertain... will we ever be together again, and if not, will I ever meet or love another person so compatible with me? We've decided to wait it out together, as friends, and hope we can eventually be together again. But there seems to be no end in sight at the moment.

    If anyone has any similar stories to share, and how you coped, or any insight into this, feel free to share.

  2. #2
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    You are really talking as if you're both high school kids and minors his parents have full legal and influential control over him. He's an adult in his mid 20's and he can do what he wants. So really it's him that made the decision to listen to them and let them completely control him. He could have at least tried to stand up to them and fight for your relationship, but he didn't.

    The family all sound unstable and not like good people at all. If he found someone he loves and he's happy, how dare they ruin that for him! They're extremely selfish. Just because his ex cheated on him doesn't mean he's not allowed to be in a new relationship. The whole thing is completely ridiculous! Next time they'll probably stop him from being with a new woman. Is he going to grow some balls or he's just going to put up with it his whole life? Your boyfriend is an adult and it's really none of his family's business who he dates, as long as he's dating a nice and decent person.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    He must have been very hurt and in a bad way for him to go and tell his entire family that someone cheated on him. Most people wouldn't be sharing that type of information with family and maybe if he hadn't, you two wouldn't be where you are.

    But just the same, he told them and he must have been quite distraught, which is why they are now over protective. They are trying to force him to stay out of a relationship in order to protect him and protect someone hurting him again. I once again wonder how bad of shape he was in.

    But for the time being, there isn't anything that can be done. Keep doing as you're doing, if you love him, then wait. That's all the choices you have for now.
    But don't force him to choose between you or them. If you remain in his life as you are, maybe in time they will see your loyalty and know that you are someone who truly does love him.

    Honestly, I don't think there's much else to do or any other choice.

  4. #4
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    How long did you date?

    You cannot be friends if there are feelings. You need to go no contact.

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  6. #5
    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    You are really talking as if you're both high school kids and minors his parents have full legal and influential control over him. He's an adult in his mid 20's and he can do what he wants. So really it's him that made the decision to listen to them and let them completely control him. He could have at least tried to stand up to them and fight for your relationship, but he didn't.

    The family all sound unstable and not like good people at all. If he found someone he loves and he's happy, how dare they ruin that for him! They're extremely selfish. Just because his ex cheated on him doesn't mean he's not allowed to be in a new relationship. The whole thing is completely ridiculous! Next time they'll probably stop him from being with a new woman. Is he going to grow some balls or he's just going to put up with it his whole life? Your boyfriend is an adult and it's really none of his family's business who he dates, as long as he's dating a nice and decent person.
    I find the whole thing really ridiculous too, and so does he! Btw, he was cheated on basically in every relationship he was in, so it wasn't just once. But he doesn't have the mental strength to fight atm. Honestly, I understand from his POV as well, the threat of being disowned and losing your entire family is very real. Even if we think they're and not how a family should be at all, they're the only family he knows. He chose not to fight them immediately because it would have blown things out of proportion, and he could have actually been disowned on the spot.

    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    He must have been very hurt and in a bad way for him to go and tell his entire family that someone cheated on him. Most people wouldn't be sharing that type of information with family and maybe if he hadn't, you two wouldn't be where you are.

    But just the same, he told them and he must have been quite distraught, which is why they are now over protective. They are trying to force him to stay out of a relationship in order to protect him and protect someone hurting him again. I once again wonder how bad of shape he was in.

    But for the time being, there isn't anything that can be done. Keep doing as you're doing, if you love him, then wait. That's all the choices you have for now.
    But don't force him to choose between you or them. If you remain in his life as you are, maybe in time they will see your loyalty and know that you are someone who truly does love him.

    Honestly, I don't think there's much else to do or any other choice.
    Thanks for the kind words. I'm also holding on to the hope that one day, they'll realise that we weren't just jumping into a relationship without thought and that he could actually be happy with me.

    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    How long did you date?

    You cannot be friends if there are feelings. You need to go no contact.
    About 7 months in. It was a very difficult decision to make to remain friends, because the feelings definitely are there, and my heart still aches every time I think about when we were happy before all of this drama. But for us, we'd rather not lose each other from our lives, and at least this way, there's a chance we can wait and see if the family ever comes around.

  7. #6
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    He's not in any place to have a relationship if his family has this much control over him.

    Sorry hon, but this is not likely to work out well. I would respectfully part ways so you can heal and find a guy isn't part of toxic family drama. You're too young to put yourself on hold for this.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear that. Are you from different cultural or religious backgrounds? Do you both work/ go to school?

    Have you met any of his friends or family besides the brother? At 7 mos. in you're seeing a huge incompatibility .

    In what way would they "disown" him? Does he depend on them financially? Unfortunately it seems like this is his, not their decision.

    It seems after 7 mos. he's just not interested in going further but used the family pressure story to back out.

  9. #8
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear that. Are you from different cultural or religious backgrounds? Do you both work/ go to school?

    Have you met any of his friends or family besides the brother? At 7 mos. in you're seeing a huge incompatibility .

    In what way would they "disown" him? Does he depend on them financially? Unfortunately it seems like this is his, not their decision.

    It seems after 7 mos. he's just not interested in going further but used the family pressure story to back out.
    We both work, but he lost his job during the pandemic so technically he's not working at the moment. I've hung out with some of his friends and have met the mum in passing.

    And nah, it's definitely not that way. When the family exploded, they meant business so imagine having the fear of losing your entire family over a relationship. While the decision is not ideal, and I wish he had more strength to stand up to them, he just doesn't at the moment. I hate the situation more than anything, but I know from the bottom of my heart and not just because I'm "blinded by love" that it's not because he wants to back out. Like most men, he doesn't normally cry, but he has shed so many tears over this. And the whole reason why it even happened in the first place was because he was serious enough about the relationship to want to let the family know it was a proper one.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Snny's Avatar
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    Usually, when people use the Family Card, they’re just using family as the scapegoat to get out of a relationship instead of telling you the real reason. I feel there’s more to this story than just his family’s disapproval based on the information given.

    Either way, you are better off without him. You don’t want to marry a man who doesn’t have a backbone to future in-laws.

    EDIT: Ok 7 month relationship? Yep, this one’s a doozy.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I'm sorry he did this to you. Its obvious you love him, as you're understanding and even defending his actions.

    The thing is, he is choosing his family over you. right or wrong. And further harming you, by stringing you along, as a result. You said, you're very compatible. But are you? Not in this case. And this is the biggest of cases- Agreeing to being in a relationship.

    This guy is weak in a fundamental way. Not much else matters. I've tried the friend zone and have seen others to know, this does not work out. Something in the dynamic changes the respect and desire elements needed in a romance.

    The other messed up part is, friends does not remove the pain, it only prolongs it. The best thing you can do is tell him, you understand his position and if he changes his mind to contact you, but you need to take care of yourself and your future... Whatever and who ever that means. He is wasting your time. Yes. Someone that breaks up with you is wasting your time.

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