Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 40

Thread: How do I cope with an anxious daughter who feels the need to control me?

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2020
    Posts
    8

    How do I cope with an anxious daughter who feels the need to control me?

    My adult daughter tries to control my life and has been doing so since my husband (her father) passed away 9 years ago. I did go through a temporary rough patch after he passed but never lost control of my life except I lost a lot of weight and became dehydrated leaving me in the hospital a few times. She freaked out which I understand b/c I am her sole parent now.
    Once I started dating a few years after that, she became worse and constantly had to know about my dates. I dated someone on and off for about 6 yrs and she resented him so bad that I had to keep them separated most of the time. She couldn't see what I liked about him. The reality was that he was very good to me but he did have a bit of a troubled past when it came to money but he was recovering slowly from that. In any event, I broke up with him over a year ago and starting see a nice man from out of town. While she was a little better for a while, lately she's started over again. When she asks about my weekend plans and tell her he is visiting, she either makes a face or says why can't you go 1 weekend without seeing him (which I did when she visited 2 months ago b/c I know she didn't want to see him). She also says I should be spending more time with my girlfriends "because when you break up with him you'll have no one". Nice huh??
    She also constantly asks what I'm eating even though I gained the weight back a few years ago.
    I tried a few months ago to tell her that I am a grown women and can take care of myself and she need not worry or get involved in my life by micromanaging it. I don't do that to her.
    Unfortunately the one time she met my bf, she was turned off by his outspokenness. she felt he was disrespectful (I don't though). She is visiting again soon with her finance for 8 days and I don't want to ban him from my home and he wants to see her and maybe get a 2nd chance with her.
    How do I proceed?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    52,358
    You have to establish boundaries in a calm but firm way. Not accusing her- do I statements "I feel uncomfortable when you ask so many questions about my personal life and when you give me unsolicited advice. How about we leave it that if I want your input I will ask."

    I would tell her that you are happy to host her and her fiancee, that your boyfriend will be there part of the time and you expect them to treat him cordially. And that if they cannot do that perhaps they can make other plans when your boyfriend stays over.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,845
    Gender
    Male
    I'm sorry about all this.

    I admit I can't help but read this without thinking of your post from a few days ago, in which you felt your boyfriend was being controlling. Now it's your daughter. Hard not to wonder if there's a bigger root here that you're struggling to find, one in which, for whatever reasons, you have a tendency to feel controlled by those close to you. Have you ever explored it all from that angle, either internally or with some guidance? Or do you think your previous post was a reflection of internalizing some of your daughter's view on you?

    In terms of the specifics here? I would tell your daughter that you're looking forward to her visit, and that you're also hoping it can be a chance to get to know your boyfriend a bit more. Perhaps suggest a dinner the four of you, and ask her which of the eight nights works best, so she's part of the plan. However she responds to that, of course, is up to her, nothing you can control. And if she responds with judgement—well, you can tell her you understand and ask that she and her fiancé make plans on night x (or x and y) when you're going to see your boyfriend.

    In that, you show her—and, most critically, yourself—that there is only one person who has control over you, and that is in fact you.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    7,220
    I do wonder to some degree if she maybe has a point on the men you are dating. Dating someone who has been financially irresponsible and also someone is is outspoken on a first meeting, is questionable, to be fair.

    If she felt disrespected, that's not good. I mean, first impressions are everything and really can make or break a situation with family.

    It's quite possible as well that she doesn't feel you're responsible either due to allowing yourself to be hospitalized a few times over something like becoming dehydrated.

    Don't get me wrong, I do think she has anxiety issues that need to be addressed, but she's not totally off base in being concerned over the choices you're making and how responsible you're actually being.

    I think both of you need to consider the fact that there are issues on both sides...yours and hers.

    She potentially needs counselling due to her anxiety issues, you potentially need to step back and consider if you are actually bringing not the best men into your life and if you were careless with your health and situation which is why your daughter no longer feels you're making the right choices.

    I think there needs to be improvement on both sides.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    N/A
    Posts
    3,082
    I think you have to have a frank but cautious conversation with her....

    explaining your love for her and appreciation for her concern but if you respect her boundaries, she needs to respect yours. its is simple as that. she has a fiance and wants to spend time with him, right? why shouldn't you want to be with your boyfriend every weekend?

    what's fair is fair - as grown women. she needs to respect boundaries but I can see why you would want to be delicate about it. ask her what can be done to help her reduce her anxiety while still leaving space for you to do you.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    7,220
    but never lost control of my life except I lost a lot of weight and became dehydrated leaving me in the hospital a few times
    To be honest, if you allowed yourself to become THAT dehydrated that you landed up in the hospital a few times, you did (to some degree), lose control.

    That made an impression on her and created anxiety, which you again recognized and admitted that it's fair due to her only having one parent left.

    So there are a few things going on here that created this situation and it's not all due to her just being difficult.

  8. #7
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    14,949
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I admit I can't help but read this without thinking of your post from a few days ago, in which you felt your boyfriend was being controlling. Now it's your daughter. Hard not to wonder if there's a bigger root here that you're struggling to find, one in which, for whatever reasons, you have a tendency to feel controlled by those close to you. Have you ever explored it all from that angle, either internally or with some guidance? Or do you think your previous post was a reflection of internalizing some of your daughter's view on you?.
    I was thinking the same thing. You have a controlling boyfriend and now also a controlling daughter?

    As bluecastle states so eloquently: ..." there is only one person who has control over you, and that is in fact you."

  9. #8
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Location
    California
    Posts
    11,325
    Gender
    Female
    I recall your first post and my sense that you were in the role of being passive in your romantic relationships.
    I can't help but wonder if your daughter had a voice in all of this what she might say.
    Your history of succumbing to being ill due to stress. A boyfriend with money issues and now one who's possibly controlling.
    Is it possible your daughter has good reason to be concerned or is she just mysteriously controlling where you're concerned?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    4,550
    If you constantly volunteer the personal details of your relationship or your romantic life to people, they'll offer advice and make suggestions where they feel it's best. This is human nature 101. Keep your private issues and decisions to yourself and don't leave it up for discussion. Your relationship should not be discussed with your daughter in detail. He's your boyfriend, end of story. Your daughter is assuming the adult/parenting role because you don't seem to be able to create better boundaries.

    Let the other issues go. If she's anxious around you, so are you. Both of you are feeding off of each others issues. End that cycle.

    If your boyfriend wants to spend time at the house while she's visiting with her fiance, they all follow your rules. Including the boyfriend. If they can't get along, she can spend the night elsewhere. She's a grown woman. Your boyfriend may not be your boyfriend long either if he can't respect your family members.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Posts
    16,467
    I'm just going to write what I'm thinking. I may be way wrong, but it feels like you are leaving out important info and these are my intuitive thoughts based on my experiences.
    Were the hospitalizations due to alcohol? Do you have a history of substance use, depression, or anything like that?
    How old was your daughter when her father passed away?
    Again, I could be way off, but my gut reaction is there is some bigger issue which you are in denial of and which your daughter has suffered a lot from.

Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast

Videos


Maintaining A Strong Relationship

Detaching From a Malignant Man

Divorced Parents Prefer Technology and Social Media As Communication Tool

Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •