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Thread: How do I cope with an anxious daughter who feels the need to control me?

  1. #31
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    She was upset to the point of tears about how he treats the cat?
    I don't know what happened but between this, the other things who've share I'd voice my concerns.
    You do and he tells you your daughter is crazy?
    Im getting a clear picture why your daugther might be concerned.

  2. #32
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    Originally Posted by Susanwirld
    So I said something to my boyfriend yesterday like I daughter is a little anxious about meeting you again since the only other time she met you last year did not go well( she felt he was critical and disrespectful since he critiqued our cat who she loves dearly and she said he was picking on her. She cried a little about it too). I was hoping for him to say that she has nothing to worry about course will get along. Instead, he said she is crazy. I didnít know what to say exactly but I replied by saying well you know your relationship with my daughter is still important so we got to make it work and he nodded yes. Iím real really anxious about first asking my daughter to see him again and then how he will behave so that I know get along. Is his response indicative of another bad encounter with my daughter?
    I'd be done with him -he is only a boyfriend and he is referring to your daughter as crazy??

  3. #33
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Susanwirld
    So I said something to my boyfriend yesterday like I daughter is a little anxious about meeting you again since the only other time she met you last year did not go well( she felt he was critical and disrespectful since he critiqued our cat who she loves dearly and she said he was picking on her. She cried a little about it too). I was hoping for him to say that she has nothing to worry about course will get along. Instead, he said she is crazy. I didnít know what to say exactly but I replied by saying well you know your relationship with my daughter is still important so we got to make it work and he nodded yes. Iím real really anxious about first asking my daughter to see him again and then how he will behave so that I know get along. Is his response indicative of another bad encounter with my daughter?
    I would definitely have anxiety about it... but then again, I wonder if this strife may simply be your comfort zone.

    From what you describe they both sound pretty overbearing. Your boyfriend drags you up and down the golf course winter, spring, summer, and fall, birthdays and dinner plans be damned. Your daughter monitors your love life and your eating habits. Both of them freely critique your decision-making process and feel entitled to make demands.

    I have to assume you enjoy their company and generally don't mind their boorishness.

    Not every boor is a complete jerk. I used to hate my mom's friend's husband because he was so obnoxious, pushy, and outspoken. But as it turns out he is actually a really nice guy. Just obnoxious and says stupid things a lot, and he and his wife fight like cats and dogs all the time.... but they've been together for 18 years. That's just them.

    Some people like that. Maybe this is just what flies in your family. If that's the case, you just have to let them fight it out. I don't understand it myself, and it's not my preference, but I've seen it work.

  4. #34
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    There's no good reason your daughter needs to have a relationship with this guy.
    Just drop it and spend some quality time with your daughter. It's not a big deal.

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  6. #35
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    There's no good reason your daughter needs to have a relationship with this guy.
    Just drop it and spend some quality time with your daughter. It's not a big deal.
    Yep. I second this. Why invent a problem that needn't exist? Everyone involved is an adult, and if daughter fails to treat you like one, finish raising her to be respectful to you.

  7. #36
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm not clear if your daughter wants your relationship with this man to end? Is that the message you're getting from her? The least they can both do is try to be civil in the short periods they're around each other. I'm under the impression your daughter doesn't live with you and has her own life with a fiance.

    Who you date ends up being your decision and your decision alone. You've expressed hesitation, doubt and asked the forum about whether your boyfriend was controlling in your previous thread. I seemed to think he was a bit thick and dull because he does the same thing repetitively without any consideration for others or vague idea that it's not appealing to you. Some people might interpret him to be offensive and rude as your daughter did. If he continues to disregard your feelings or treats you casually he may not be the person for you either.

    If you want my opinion, I don't think you even like your boyfriend but are with him out of convenience. You don't like your daughter's behaviour either but you don't know what to do with her and feel guilty that she lost her dad so early. Maybe being single isn't an option or you need the company or help. This isn't clear. Whatever the case you don't seem comfortable balancing these relationships that you've got and I think the initial discomfort and issues you used to have with your partner are now made worse by your daughter's comments about how offensive he is overall. She has you wrapped around her finger and he is just not the right man for you.

  8. #37
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    So I approached my bf yesterday and said you know I was surprised by your response calling my daughter crazy when I mentioned sheís anxious meeting you again. His response was that he was sorry he used that word but he meant she was unrealistic in terms of deciding the wedding venue. Then he proceeded to tell me what to say to her justifying why it should be close to home given the pandemic etc. Instead of taking about his bad behavior last year when he met her we ended up talking about how I should explain things to my daughter in getting her convinced to have a scaled back wedding. He did say if I wanted privacy to talk to her about it next weekend heíd take my son out to dinner that night. He then needed to leave because it was getting late.
    It wasnít until after he left that I realized he never really responded to my real question.
    Not sure it was his way of avoiding the question or he didnít understand the question but Iím back to square one.

  9. #38
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    The wedding is None Of this short term BFs business. Stop discussing the wedding with this controlling jerk!

    He's NOT paying for it He's NOT the father.

    It's sad you are choosing this type of guy over a healthy relationship with your daughter. This guy is NOT a surrogate husband or father . Stop involving him in your daughters wedding as if he is.

  10. #39
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Susan.

    What Wiseman just said.

    And no, you are not back to square one. You are merely going around in a circle.

    What do you intend to do?

    Ask yourself what it is about you, what kind of vibe are you giving off, that allows people to be overbearing, manipulative and controlling towards you.
    Being assertive does not mean being conflictive.

  11. #40
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Susanwirld
    I realized he never really responded to my real question.
    Not sure it was his way of avoiding the question or he didnít understand the question but Iím back to square one.
    You didn't ask a question, you made a statement. He did respond to it.
    His response was that he was sorry he used that word but he meant she was unrealistic...
    If you want the two to meet again, set the time and date and let these adults handle it as they will.

    It's not your job to orchestrate the behavior of each, so liberate yourself from that position.

    If you do NOT want these two to meet again, do not set a time and date for them to do so.

    It's that simple.

    If you don't want others to manipulate you, then don't play.

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