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Thread: The evil manipulating son keeps getting his way

  1. #1
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    The evil manipulating son keeps getting his way

    My older brother has always been used to getting his way. When he was a kid he'd ask my dad for the latest Nike trainers and sports gear and my dad would willingly buy it for him. Same with doing his masters, they paid for it. When he needed money to buy his 1st house my mum and dad gave their hard-earned savings to help him to use as a deposit. Whilst earning and living at my parents, he never contributed to rent/bills, he had saved his own money knowing one day he would use it to move out.


    Well, he lost his 1st home, a job and had a mid-life crisis. It was one pretty year for him. His partner walked out on him and she'd had enough of his emotionally abusive ways. My bro doesn't hit women but he sure likes to insult them, I heard he use to call her fat, lazy and ugly pig. No wonder she left him.

    My mum had to beg us all to help loan him some money, we did to help him get back on his feet and he never paid us back. There was no point in even mentioning it, my mum would get too stressed out and cry (she has high blood pressure) and that was family dinner ruined again.

    My bro also has a habit of flaunting his latest gear - hey check out my new car, check out the extension to my house, look at my latest iPhone. Never once did he stop to think, I should actually pay you guys back. He had some really good years as a business development manager, and any good commission he made he spent it on himself, his new wife or kids. Just so proud of showing his latest purchases and achievements to all of us.

    He is the type of brother who says to my mum "that's easy I can do that with my eyes closed", but when it comes down to doing the work he is nowhere to be seen and unreachable. There have been countless times where he'll tell my mum "look where I got this, they sell it so cheap in my area." My mum would say well how about you get me one and he would never deliver. Same when my dad died, we all thought he would take charge and organise the funeral, paperwork the stonemasons etc. We did that all without him whilst he just showed up.

    But when things go bad my bro is quick to point the finger and accuse us. He recently had some tyre accidents, several burst tyres whilst on the road and was so quick to point the finger and accuse us of jinxing him. He woke my mum up in the early morning whilst she was recovering from a stroke only to insult and accuse her of bringing bad luck on him. She's been so ill lately that he hasn't even bothered asking her how she is doing.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Cut him out of your life and do not lend him money.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Be there for your mother or other family relatives but don't spend your energies on him for too long.

    Do you live with your mother? It may be hard to avoid him if so. Try your best and focus on your own life. You don't want to look back and realize you wasted your years mostly upset at someone else.

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I'm really sorry about your mom and hope she gets better soon.

    As for your brother...... It's time to face up that he is just a user and users operate on a way street. He will take whatever he can get and never give anything. This is who he is and has always been. Expecting anything else from him is a waste of your time and energy. I'm actually surprised that you all expected him to step up in any way.

    Would be better for you to learn to have some firm boundaries with him. No is a complete sentence. If your mom is asking on his behalf, then you can be more polite but still firm "I'm sorry but I simply can't give a penny, it's just not there." Done. Every time she asks, stick with that response.

    Overall, when it comes to "lending" money to family or friends, best for your sanity to view it as a gift and then ask yourself if you can afford to give away that much. If you can't, then just say NO. It will save you a lot of arguments and resentments and will keep your relationships better overall.

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    No, I don't live with my mother but she is the 1st to call me when he has upset her. I guess this what you call unconditional motherly love, she can never hate him the way we all hate him and distance ourselves from him. She always finds a way to forgive and forget.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Your parents set a bad example if she's calling you to badmouth one son over the other. The relationships in your family are toxic, it appears. Limit the conversations with your mother if they turn negative. Learn to change the topic or not respond to those comments. You can change the mood or direction of a conversation.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Paranu
    No, I don't live with my mother but she is the 1st to call me when he has upset her. I guess this what you call unconditional motherly love, she can never hate him the way we all hate him and distance ourselves from him. She always finds a way to forgive and forget.
    This isn't so much about your brother as your own inability to say no to your mother over the years. Can't really hang that on him. Right now might well be too late given her age and health issues.

    This is more about you becoming more aware of your own issues. If you have trouble saying no to people, you are liable to find yourself used and abused a lot and living with a great deal of resentment as a result. Goes back to working on developing healthy boundaries with everyone in life. When you don't have boundaries, you will get trampled.

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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    This isn't so much about your brother as your own inability to say no to your mother over the years. Can't really hang that on him. Right now might well be too late given her age and health issues.

    This is more about you becoming more aware of your own issues. If you have trouble saying no to people, you are liable to find yourself used and abused a lot and living with a great deal of resentment as a result. Goes back to working on developing healthy boundaries with everyone in life. When you don't have boundaries, you will get trampled.
    I agree. Mom cries -- you act. Just say no to giving anyone money.

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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    This isn't so much about your brother as your own inability to say no to your mother over the years. Can't really hang that on him. Right now might well be too late given her age and health issues.

    This is more about you becoming more aware of your own issues. If you have trouble saying no to people, you are liable to find yourself used and abused a lot and living with a great deal of resentment as a result. Goes back to working on developing healthy boundaries with everyone in life. When you don't have boundaries, you will get trampled.
    I agree. Mom cries -- you act. Just say no to giving anyone money. And also, when i loan money to family, i consider it a gift. If i am paid back, its a wonderful surprise. you are all enabling him. so stop.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Your brother sounds like a real blowhard. But as the others have said, he's not the problem so much as your inability to say no. You knew what type of person he was when you turned over the money, so you can kiss it goodbye.

    From now on, when he's having a crisis, just tell him and your mother that you don't have money to throw away.

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