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Thread: The evil manipulating son keeps getting his way

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Paranu
    No, I don't live with my mother but she is the 1st to call me when he has upset her. I guess this what you call unconditional motherly love, she can never hate him the way we all hate him and distance ourselves from him. She always finds a way to forgive and forget.
    You are wasting your sparse energy on this subject -especially now. If your mother wants to vent about it change the subject and/or end the call. You are not a good candidate for being able to listen in a caring way and listening is bad for your health. It's her business whether she wants to forgive or forget. Please distance yourself and it is irrelevant that this is a blood relative. Distance yourself.

    Many years ago when my son was a toddler my sister and mother came over. I hadn't seen them in a long time -my sister hadn't seen her nephew in a long time. They couldn't stay very long because my sister had to catch her bus back. My mom has always favored my sister in part because she perceives my sister as needing more support than me. It's really annoying. That day as soon as they arrived my sister said she was going to go across the street to buy herself something to eat- because she's incredibly picky and wanted a specific kind of fruit. My mother immediately said "I'll go with you!" - it was ridiculous. They hadn't seen my son -my only child-in over a month and my mother was going to leave right away because my sister -who was around 50 at the time -heaven forbid shouldn't go across the street in a beautiful neighborhood to get some fruit. I was so annoyed and it almost ruined the visit. I mean how silly was I - letting that infect what was an amazing time - my son getting to spend time with his aunt and grandmother. The night before my wedding I wanted to stay at my parents (bride and groom aren't supposed to see each other the night before) and my mom said no because my sister needed to stay there -and needed the bathroom for her hours long ritual/practiceson the morning of my wedding. So even then she came first. My mother could not see how ridiculous this was -even when I was the bride, she came first.

    But again - it's a choice - you can choose to react by a choice that preserves your blood pressure, your peace, your stomach acid or you can focus on all the annoyances and injustices that actually don't affect you first hand (because you don't live with them or depend on your parents for basic needs.

    I'm 54 -I get it- it's annoying. Please choose the peaceful/neutral reaction.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    You are wasting your sparse energy on this subject -especially now. If your mother wants to vent about it change the subject and/or end the call. You are not a good candidate for being able to listen in a caring way and listening is bad for your health. It's her business whether she wants to forgive or forget. Please distance yourself and it is irrelevant that this is a blood relative. Distance yourself.

    Many years ago when my son was a toddler my sister and mother came over. I hadn't seen them in a long time -my sister hadn't seen her nephew in a long time. They couldn't stay very long because my sister had to catch her bus back. My mom has always favored my sister in part because she perceives my sister as needing more support than me. It's really annoying. That day as soon as they arrived my sister said she was going to go across the street to buy herself something to eat- because she's incredibly picky and wanted a specific kind of fruit. My mother immediately said "I'll go with you!" - it was ridiculous. They hadn't seen my son -my only child-in over a month and my mother was going to leave right away because my sister -who was around 50 at the time -heaven forbid shouldn't go across the street in a beautiful neighborhood to get some fruit. I was so annoyed and it almost ruined the visit. I mean how silly was I - letting that infect what was an amazing time - my son getting to spend time with his aunt and grandmother. The night before my wedding I wanted to stay at my parents (bride and groom aren't supposed to see each other the night before) and my mom said no because my sister needed to stay there -and needed the bathroom for her hours long ritual/practiceson the morning of my wedding. So even then she came first. My mother could not see how ridiculous this was -even when I was the bride, she came first.

    But again - it's a choice - you can choose to react by a choice that preserves your blood pressure, your peace, your stomach acid or you can focus on all the annoyances and injustices that actually don't affect you first hand (because you don't live with them or depend on your parents for basic needs.

    I'm 54 -I get it- it's annoying. Please choose the peaceful/neutral reaction.
    Sometimes the squeaky wheel gets the most oil. I can understand why that would be annoying.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Your brother is a psychopath. All he does is charm his way through life, scheming/lying, draining people of their patience, and wallets. He is only out for himself, has no empathy and leaves a path of destruction behind him. They use people to have their needs met. I get.... it how can he be so heartless/mean...they don't think like us normal people,... he doesn't have the ability to care or sympathize. He is a danger to your mother.....he has her in his sights, he's manipulating her in her weaken state to take advantage of whatever he can get from her. You need to protect her...if you are executor of the estate get a court order. You can have him removed from the home, and limit his access to her with supervised visits. Contact a lawyer.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    Sometimes the squeaky wheel gets the most oil. I can understand why that would be annoying.
    Yes, she was. And I want to say, she is one of my bestest friends ever, for many years. I love her so much just do not love always being the "normal" kid which basically meant the "ignored kid" and "ignored adult" - so I get the OP in the sense that her brother gets all the attention even when it's negative attention. It's just that she's an adult so my strong suggestion is to distance herself and not tell herself cliches about blood being thicker than water.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    You can't change people including your brother. However, you can enforce boundaries with him. Stop giving him money, learn to distance yourself, remain well mannered, polite yet keep a safe, civil, very peaceful distance. Focus on your mother and people who know how to behave properly and graciously. Learn to dismiss your brother in your mind. Practice and make it an automatic habit.

  7. #16
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    Just want to say that that was the only time money was lent. We donít expect to ever see that money repaid but canít believe that someone can act in this way. The problem is my mum, itís not easy to cut her off. Sheís frail and vulnerable. We have told her countless times if you let him do this to you then expect the insults because you make it to easy for him. Iím not a mother, is it that easy to set boundaries with your children? She certainly knows which one bullies her but can never disown them

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Paranu
    Just want to say that that was the only time money was lent. We donít expect to ever see that money repaid but canít believe that someone can act in this way. The problem is my mum, itís not easy to cut her off. Sheís frail and vulnerable. We have told her countless times if you let him do this to you then expect the insults because you make it to easy for him. Iím not a mother, is it that easy to set boundaries with your children? She certainly knows which one bullies her but can never disown them
    No need to cut her off at all. Just change the subject. Tell her you will talk about anything but that. I don't think being a broken record is helping her. I don't relate to your question about being a mother - is it easy to set boundaries? No - it often is not with anyone. With children? I mean it's too broad a question -depends on what the boundary is, what the context. I set boundaries with my child daily sometimes hourly.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Don't worry so much about how your mother handles herself. She's elderly and in poor health. Take what she says in one ear/out the other.

    Better boundaries means learning to know when to spend energy thinking or focusing on something if you aren't physically able distance yourself or remove them from your life entirely. There's nothing you can change about the way your mother or brother handle themselves. What you can change is the way you react or think.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Enforcing boundaries is a mindset and how you won't allow others to control your thoughts nor have a grip on you life. It is very liberating and a catharsis.

    Don't get emotionally immersed into others otherwise those negative emotions engulf and consume you. In many ways, becoming unemotional and more shrewd transforms into your survival skill. Then you'll become more resilient and strong. You won't allow anyone to get the best of you anymore.

    As for your mother, you can't tell her what to do nor "coach" her. She will do as she will. She is responsible for any consequences. All you can do is control yourself and change the way you think and act. Learn to protect yourself.

    I understand that the money was lent to your brother only to never see the money again. Don't even consider it a loan anymore. Consider it money which is gone, never truly borrowed and never repaid. This is a harsh lesson learned. In the future, never lend or give money to family and friends. Don't expect money to be repaid. Best to err on the side of caution. Those are boundaries, too. Live and learn.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Check into your local laws about elder abuse. It includes mental and financial abuse. Your mother doesn't have to "disown" him, but you could look into protecting her, rather than just complain about him.

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