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Thread: Marriage

  1. #1

    Marriage

    Iím married to a incredible man however the 1 problem I have is his ex wife. I have tried to ask her to coffee to talk she refused. When he and I were dating she did everything she could from using my kids as emmo in arguments to stalking my daughters online and myself.
    I tried to see things through her eyes and again extended the invite to get to know her and vise versa she strongly declined.
    Now Iím married just had a misscarriage a month ago. And on top of that dealing with her crap. I made my husband aware Iím not content that even when he and I have the kids theirs no constant reason sheís texting him she text him from dawn till dusk. If the kids bring anything my kids give itís negative criticism all the way a few weeks ago we allowed her to retrieve the last items she had at our home she decided to dump all my clothes on floor.
    I was hurt and felt violated
    I told my husband to bring it up to attorney instead he said it to her and she denied it of course.
    This week the kids made mention she yells at them after every visit with us and that she screams at the daughter to tell her stuff about me the poor girl was so scared to tell her mom she was excited we were getting married Bc she said her mother screams and screams at her if she doesnít agree about her opinions on me.
    Yesterday my husband lost his phone and I guess a emergency occurred were the daughter needed to be picked up she cussed him out said he has time for my daughters and that she wants my information to be given to school so I can get off of my u know what and play the part.
    I told my husband I under no circumstances will take any direction from her Iím no in a relationship with her and I donít need to abide to her demands.
    I told him he needs to set his foot down and put boundaries he indicated that he canít because she will take away kids. Iím not asking to belittle her but place boundaries were sheís limited in contacting and for him to speak up for his kids whom are clearly going through verbal abuse with her.
    Iíve already made police reports Bc sheís not right in the head and has followed me stalked my daughter on social media . The straw that broke me today was I came home sick as ever and I see heís been texting all day back and forth with her. I told him he may be married to me but heís still with her and I donít know if I can continue this toxic relationship with her in it I said Iím married to him but dominated by her
    And I just donít see how this can be salvaged
    I love my husband heís an amazing person friend confidant lover but I canít live my life in her shadow and I see he fears her I just canít
    Idk what to do
    I went to bed depressed today didnít spend any time with kids or him just went to bed in guest room. I donít want to be in the same room right now with him.
    I want to work out I truly do but idk anymore

  2. #2
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    I'm sorry you're going through this.

    Are you sure he fears her? Or do you think he's still emotionally attached to her and doesn't want to place boundaries there?

    You are correct that the biggest problem is your husband, in any case. If they have a legally-binding custody/visitation schedule, she can't just take the kids away. If they don't have one, why not?

    He's prioritizing her feelings and desires over yours, which is a very bad sign. You can't maintain a healthy marriage when the ex's whims and wants are more important than yours. If he's unwilling to put his foot down, you have some hard decisions to make about the future of this marriage.

  3. #3
    Gold Member ShySoul's Avatar
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    I'm also sorry you're going through this. And I hope you are okay after the miscarriage.

    You're relationship is with your husband, not with the ex. You should not have to hear from her or have anything to do with her if you do not want to. You tried to reach out to her, but she refused the offer. Stay away from her and leave any contact up to your husband. If she is following you, block her on social media and keep records, including the police reports. If she tries to pull anything with the children, these actions will show her to be the one causing problems.

    Your husband needs to stand up to her. You are right in that he needs to set boundaries. They are not just for you, they are for the children as well. It's not fair that you have to live in constant fear of her meddling and it's not a healthy environment for the children to grow up in. Make absolutely clear that you will not stand to be second to the ex and that you will not tolerate her abuse. Let him know that his inaction in addressing this is putting an unhealthy strain on you and damaging the relationship the two of you have. I hope that he can see how much this hurts you and starts to put his foot down. But if he won't, you need to decide how much you can stand. No one should have to endure what you are going through.

  4. #4
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    If your daughters are old enough to have social media then they can block her on whatever platform they use as can you.
    She canít ďstalkĒ anyone that doesnít exist online.
    So stop complaining that she is stalking unless she is physically stalking you and have evidence .

    You should absolutely NOT claim your husband is incredible when he clearly is not.
    Why would this issue even occur if he was?

    You have no right to place boundaries between him and his ex wife or kids.
    And it is interfering to even try to talk to her.
    Thatís his business not yours.

    What you can do and is well within your rights is to place boundaries with him.

    He clearly is more emotionally invested in his kids and ex wife over you .
    And really thatís ok.

    But if you are not happy with that then you need to make the decision to leave.
    Or realise that he is always going to be more invested elsewhere and accept it.

    He is not really doing anything wrong by you , you just simply donít like it?
    Up to you to accept it or not?

    But donít interfere in his relationship with kids and ex , because that wonít work out well for you.
    His focus is elsewhere.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why would his ex have contact with you or your kids?
    You need to delete and block her and her people from all your and your kids social media and messaging apps.

    Did your relationship start out as an affair? Why are you trying to befriend her?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    I'm sure you saw their dynamics before you married a man with a toxic ex. Why did you place yourself and your children in the middle of a battlefield? When you have children, they come first over a love interest. He can't or won't stop his ex from stalking your child on social media, nor can't or won't seek family mediation or counseling so that his children aren't emotionally abused. If you continue to allow your children to be subject to this daily stress, it's called neglect. Their needs of living in an anxiety-free environment supersede your need for romantic companionship, since you've chosen poorly.

    I'd get an annulment or a divorce. There are single men out there who either don't have children or have healthy arrangements regarding their children.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    If your daughters are old enough to have social media then they can block her on whatever platform they use as can you.
    She canít ďstalkĒ anyone that doesnít exist online.
    So stop complaining that she is stalking unless she is physically stalking you and have evidence .

    You should absolutely NOT claim your husband is incredible when he clearly is not.
    Why would this issue even occur if he was?

    You have no right to place boundaries between him and his ex wife or kids.
    And it is interfering to even try to talk to her.
    Thatís his business not yours.

    What you can do and is well within your rights is to place boundaries with him.

    He clearly is more emotionally invested in his kids and ex wife over you .
    And really thatís ok.

    But if you are not happy with that then you need to make the decision to leave.
    Or realise that he is always going to be more invested elsewhere and accept it.

    He is not really doing anything wrong by you , you just simply donít like it?
    Up to you to accept it or not?

    But donít interfere in his relationship with kids and ex , because that wonít work out well for you.
    His focus is elsewhere.
    Billie makes some good points.

    He is choosing this and manipulating you with excuses.

    I think its a slippery slope, staying in the guest room, not wanting to see him. You're creating an atmosphere where its not emotionally safe for honest discussion. It builds walls and crushes intimacy. its ok to be angry and need a little space but the silent treatment is not productive.

    Go back to when you just met him and were dating. What was happening then? What did you agree to regarding this ex?

    Are you seeing his engagements with her in reality or are you lying to yourself about what is happening? I'm not trying to imply anything. Just encouraging you to look at this more objectively.

    Is it normal to you that they text back and forth all day, everyday?

    Is it rationale that she would come into your home and vandalize it?

    Where is your husband in this? He's ok having these things happen?

    What are you doing to protect the children? All of them?

    I'd get my head on straight about what I need to happen. And then I would go to my hubs and spend time listening to what he thinks needs to happen.

    You take those two things and you find the common ground. you build off that common ground... maybe for a while you two are just talking openly, with the goal of understanding each other. Maintaining what is important to you both that you agree on. Then once you feel stable start looking at the compromises. Keep listening.

    You can't steam roll what you want. You have to understand what you are dealing with... Something, a fear of something, keeps her in control. is it fear of losing the kids? is it fear of losing her in his life?

    I can't help but wonder how long he was apart from her before you entered the picture? Why is she so emotionally charged? Did you understand what you were getting into? They're divorced, obviously, if you're married. the custody is not settled?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Lots of good questions you really need to answer before we can help.

    Lost

  10. #9
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    Doesn't he have court-ordered custody?

    Your husband has not established any boundaries. Have you considered counseling?

    Why has he allowed so much communication? That is ridiculous.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Doesn't he have court-ordered custody?

    Your husband has not established any boundaries. Have you considered counseling?

    Why has he allowed so much communication? That is ridiculous.
    Agree. if custody is court ordered, she cannot take the kids away just because she wants to. Tell him to go talk to the attorney. She cannot take the kids.
    He will either go to the attorney and verify this, set up an official custody agreement if there is not one AND start setting boundaries (not responding to her constant communication while the kids are there, only communicating when absolutely necessary) or that you will go to your parents or sister's house and contemplate if you can live like this anymore. Or better yet "i am going to stay with my sister a couple days while you figure this out" You love the kids, but she is holdin you hostage. No one is setting boundaries YOU have to

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