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Thread: Long Distance struggles

  1. #1

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    Long Distance struggles

    Hello,
    A little back story, I have been with my partner for 2 years total. First year we dated casually and we've been exclusively dating for a year now, all long distance. I am normally not a very needy person and we both usually handle time away ok with a phone call once weekly, texts throughout the day, and seeing each other once or twice monthly when we can make out schedules work. I am a single mom and he is currently finishing up his commercial pilot training (will be done in May). I am absolutely in love with him, and he says the same and I have never questioned it or him in the past, he's always been perfect for me. The last 2 months have gotten insanely busy for him at school though, sometimes 16 hour days in lessons, flights, and studying. The last month, we have barely gotten to talk other than a text or 2 a day and usually our normal phone call during the week sometime. My problem is, and im not sure honestly why it has become such an issue for me, is that he says he is so busy that he doesn't have time to really text or call as much as we normally do, but I see him active on Facebook and IG when I am ALL the time. He is busy, the training program is no joke and I know others who have done it and said they were basically living at school. But im worried maybe he's losing interest if he is actually spending all this time on social media but still can't make any for me. I dont want to bring it up because I feel like it'll make me seem crazy if I do because of noticing he's active or if its nothing then the fact that I'm doubting him so much will just add stress to him I am also a huge overhtinker and COVID restrictions with less social outings and time with friends has me deep in my thoughts lol. Like I said, im probably overthinking but its driving me crazy. How do others handle lack of time and communication with LDR?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Having dealt with some stressful jobs and long hours, all I can say is that perusing some funny memes and posts on FB or IG is very very different from actually talking or engaging with another person and sometimes you can feel so utterly mentally and emotionally fried, that you just can't. You have nothing left to give to anyone. However, what he is dealing with is temporary and will pass come May.

    Unfortunately, it's one of those things where you either have to trust him and ride this out or if he is losing interest, you'll know soon enough. The texting might have slowed down, but seems like he is still keeping things going best he can, so I'd be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt on this.

  3. #3
    Silver Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    So Iím not sure how much is a lot because a lot can mean hours for one person and another it can mean 20-30 mins, right? Also my 60 yr old parents think if Iím constantly checking my texts, I am always on my phone.

    However I think if I was in your shoes, I wouldnít be happy seeing that he is on social media constantly when he is supposedly too busy for me.

    Saying that, this is probably his outlet away from the stress of school and work. Another example is that a lot of men game to destress.

    You might want to ask yourself now if youíre okay being in that type of relationship when your partner likes to get on a screen to destress. Just imagine living with him or this relationship no longer LDR... he might come home from a long day from work and his way of relaxing is getting online.

    Have an honest discussion with him when he is done with his exam. You might get a better idea if this LDR is worth the hassle.

  4. #4
    Gold Member ShySoul's Avatar
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    These days social media is automatic for some people. They don't give a second thought to posting on whatever platform they are using, it's a part of their daily routine. So they might not realize that those are minutes that could be going to talking to you. It's easy to do a quick check to see what is going on. However, actually having a conversation can require extra attention and focus that may be difficult when you are burnt out after a long day.

    Having said that, communication is important in any relationship. If you feel you are not talking enough, then let him know. A quick call just to say I love you and hear each other's voice can be reassuring and comforting for both sides. You don't need a long call or in depth conversation. It's just nice to have little reminders now and then that the other person is thinking of you. Send texts randomly. Call each other more then once a week, even if it's five minutes or less. Put something on Facebook so you'll know he sees it. Personally, Zoom has been a lifesaver these past few months. Basically, just find a few minutes here and there to do something small to show each other how you feel and that you are thinking of each other.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    People make time for what they're interested in. LDRs are difficult. It's very easy to feel disconnected and lose interest.

    It's been 2 years? It doesn't seem to be working or going anywhere. Is it possible he met someone locally?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    If you're the one that takes the lead in communication, I'd let him be the first to reach out for now. A person who is too cowardly to break up will be happy to let everything slide and fade away. Otherwise, if their partner is driving the train, they might just stay on to avoid the drama of being the one to ask for a breakup. Some guys start acting poorly so the woman will be the one to break up and save him from the drama of her reaction if he was the one to do the deed.

    What is the plan after he graduates? Is he moving to your town or in with you? I actually don't recommend going from a LDR to moving in right away. Going from limited time together to 24/7 is not the normal pace of dating and it could ruins what might've worked otherwise. Especially since you're on shaky ground at the moment. I'd suggest he rent for at least half a year while you two date locally to see if the LDR translates well to local dating. You'll find out more about his daily routines this way, and if you two match in all the major ways. It's a lot harder to extricate yourselves from each other if he has moved in, and you don't want that upheaval when children are around to witness this.

    7 months is a short time in the scheme of things. While seeing if he eventually comes through with effort, making you feel special regardless of his busyness, perhaps take up a new hobby. Try new recipes. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It sounds like you feel neglected. See how things pan out after May but I wouldn't hold out for anything changing. Two years is early still and both of you haven't spent much time in person together. At this point, without sounding flippant or minimizing your feelings for him, you don't know him enough.

    My suggestion is to let yourself cool off and take some time to yourself to breathe and rationalize a bit more, come back down to earth and put the relationship in perspective.

    Go back to your hobbies and resume your routine. Don't check up on his social media activity. If you're going to draw lines and limits to what you can put up with don't focus on what makes you annoyed. Focus on what you need and what your aspirations and big picture goals are. You will then be operating based and centered on your needs, not out of negative emotion. This is important if you want to move forward firmly in a positive way. You'll have to make a decision about whether this situation is fulfilling enough for you. Be honest with yourself.

  9. #8

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    Thanks everyone. We haven't spent much time together the last 3 months because of pilot training but usually we see each other more regularly and talk more regularly. We've discussed before if either of us wanted to end things a few weeks ago and both said no. He said he's just been busy and mentally stretched too thin. The plan has been to figure out where he ends up getting a job and decide if he commutes or I move (which has never been an issue since my family isn't here anyway and I fly so much regularly coming back here isn't a problem for friends). We've known each other for 3 years total and he used to live here and we saw each other all the time as friends, then turned into dating. I dont think he's seeing someone else on the side personally just because he isn't the type to do that (his ex did a number on him with that...). We have spent time together for extended time during visits and with my kids. He didn't even meet them until January of this year, I dont make lightly of having people around my kids so this hasn't been a flippant decision to discuss who moves (if that makes sense).

  10. #9
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by J5727
    Thanks everyone. We haven't spent much time together the last 3 months because of pilot training but usually we see each other more regularly and talk more regularly. We've discussed before if either of us wanted to end things a few weeks ago and both said no. He said he's just been busy and mentally stretched too thin. The plan has been to figure out where he ends up getting a job and decide if he commutes or I move (which has never been an issue since my family isn't here anyway and I fly so much regularly coming back here isn't a problem for friends). We've known each other for 3 years total and he used to live here and we saw each other all the time as friends, then turned into dating. I dont think he's seeing someone else on the side personally just because he isn't the type to do that (his ex did a number on him with that...). We have spent time together for extended time during visits and with my kids. He didn't even meet them until January of this year, I dont make lightly of having people around my kids so this hasn't been a flippant decision to discuss who moves (if that makes sense).
    So you've had a good relationship that is moving in the right direction. You also asked him what's going on and he was honest with you. Again, I can totally sympathize with how he feels. You also know that you tend to get anxious and over think. So maybe learn to get a grip on that and try not to sabotage a good relationship with anxiety. Rather than getting into heavy relationship talks and adding to his stress, try to be more fun and lighthearted. A relief from stress rather than adding to it.


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