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Thread: Can anti-porn woman find love?

  1. #1

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    Can anti-porn woman find love?

    Hi
    I never liked the men in my life to look at porn once we were together and after having been married to a secret porn addict (he was looking at it whenever he could I think), I just don't know if I can agree to go out with someone again. Yes, the sexless or very depressing sex life which exists with a porn addict has scarred me, but my feelings about porn have existed since I was very young. I grew up on an army base and the way that porn and strip clubs reduce sex to a transaction disturbs me. I don't care what a guy did before we got together unless he was unfaithful to someone. I like sex and want to meet someone but I don't want to be lied to again. Is it realistic to think I will meet someone who will respect this boundary? Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Yes, it's realistic.
    I'm sorry you had a bad experience, but not every man engages in porn to the point it interferes w their relationship.
    Healthy minded people are capable of making choices.
    Doing things like this in excess is more of an addiction.
    You are not asking for too much and it seems your experience has caused you to be mistrusting and suspicious. Understandable
    But is this an indication for you to do some more healing first before you start dating with the belief that all you'll find is more of the same?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cella70
    Hi
    I never liked the men in my life to look at porn once we were together and after having been married to a secret porn addict (he was looking at it whenever he could I think), I just don't know if I can agree to go out with someone again. Yes, the sexless or very depressing sex life which exists with a porn addict has scarred me, but my feelings about porn have existed since I was very young. I grew up on an army base and the way that porn and strip clubs reduce sex to a transaction disturbs me. I don't care what a guy did before we got together unless he was unfaithful to someone. I like sex and want to meet someone but I don't want to be lied to again. Is it realistic to think I will meet someone who will respect this boundary?
    The simple answer to your big question is yes, absolutely.

    However, what's in bold is the glaring flaw in your reasoning and what will get you with wrong men. Who a man is matters from the get go. Character doesn't change, so you should 100% care about who a man is not only as you meet him but who he has always been. People don't suddenly change just because you are now in a relationship. So rather than you saying that you don't care, do actually care and look for a man who shares your values and boundaries naturally. So keep your eyes open and pay attention and look at what is rather than hope that he'll be who you want him to be. Easier to get rid of a wrong man when it's early going and you are not that attached.

    Contrary to popular belief, no not all men are all crazy into porn. However if you are surrounded by people who are, maybe it's time to start seeking out different kind of company in general. If you are looking to catch a trout and all you are getting are minnows, you'll need to start fishing in different waters.

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    10 or 15 years ago I wouldn't have assumed that I would get more of the same but porn is so pervasive now that if a man is interested in sex it sees to be almost a given that will be a habit.

    When I say that I don't care what they do before I meet them, I mean that I don't care if they use porn as long as it's something they will happily stop in a relationship. Porn itself bothers me after what I saw growing up on an Army base but we do live in the modern world.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cella70
    10 or 15 years ago I wouldn't have assumed that I would get more of the same but porn is so pervasive now that if a man is interested in sex it sees to be almost a given that will be a habit.
    .....I mean if you really believe that, then no you will never find a different kind of a guy because a different guy won't choose you and your bitter attitude. This is one of those self fulfilling, self affirming things. You'll just keep ending up with men who affirm your belief.

  7. #6
    Silver Member BecxyRex's Avatar
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    Iím sorry youíve had such a bad experience. Iím not a man, and of course I canít say this with any certainty, but I have a feeling itís going to be a bit hard to find anyone who doesnít engage in occasional self pleasure. Masturbation can be a stress relief and nobody is always in the mood to engage in full on sexual intercourse. Do you feel this way about masturbation in general or only with the aid of porn? Meaning, would you be ok with your partner just imagining stuff once in a while?
    Iíd suggest talking about your unease, but foster a relationship where honesty isnít punished. Meaning, if you police someoneís every action and come across as accusatory, youíll find that people get just really good at hiding to avoid confrontation. Iím not saying you do this btw.
    If sex suffers due to porn use it must be crushing to your self esteem and I hope youíre able to talk about it to someone. However occasional porn use really doesnít need to be competing with your own value and desirability.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It depends on how against it you are. If you're so strict that it's an aversion or an allergic reaction or you fly off the handle or can't cope that your partner enjoys some of it, yes, you are narrowing your choices. I'm not going to paint a rosy picture for you. It doesn't mean you have to be unhappy. 50% of the problem is you and you bringing your past issues into future relationships whether it's suspicion of your partner, past resentments or other unresolved emotional issues. Might be worth exploring with someone or on your own... just how big of an issue is this for you?

    Yes, there are men who won't make it the center of their world or treat it as an obsession but neither should you (being against it). Look at the whole picture of a person. I like what reinvent mentioned citing 'addiction'. You can spot people with addictive or compulsive personalities.

    Don't date until you are certain you have more confidence when it comes to finding people more likeminded. Don't settle. Have more faith in yourself.

  9. #8

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    If I was in a good relationship, I might not be so upset about occasional porn use if I felt desired and valued. However, my problem with porn generally is based on the the behavior saw in my youth and having been objectified so much.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It could be a dealbreaker for you and that is perfectly fine. As long as you understand where any possible fears and resentments are coming from and you're working on it personally, I don't see why this should stop you from finding someone similar to yourself.

    People have far quirkier requests and dealbreakers out there. You should never feel ashamed for what you feel is best for yourself and pick partners who respect you and vice versa.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cella70
    1 porn is so pervasive now that if a man is interested in sex it sees to be almost a given that will be a habit.

    Porn itself bothers me after what I saw growing up on an Army base but we do live in the modern world.
    I've dated men who have watched porn, but never once that felt he had to HAD have it in his life.

    You mention what you've experienced growing up. Could this have more to do with your experiences and the possibility the porn abuse isn't as pervasive as you believe?

    This might have more to do with you being more discerning about your choices in men. You're making a generalization.

    Just something to consider.

    It would be the same as having the misfortune of dating mostly alcoholics and then being fearful that all men drank too much.

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