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Thread: Can I save the relationship?

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    At 32 years old he is mature. What you see is what you get. When I say manchild - it's a character/personality problem and these types do not grow up, mature, or change. A manchild at 20 is the same at 30, 50, 60, 70....you get the idea.

    He is also a user and make no mistake about that. Either he is totally lying to you and is busy spending some nights elsewhere OR he is putting up with control freak parents because in his view, the benefits outweigh the inconvenience. No sane adult will live like this. Even being a student isn't a valid excuse given how controlling his parents are....if that's even true to the extreme you are describing. Really hard to believe to be honest.

    Bottom line is that you are living on hope and wishful thinking. Graduation is just a diploma. Yes, hopefully he'll get a job and then what? You are hoping that he'll suddenly grow up, start acting like a normal adult and propose to you. More likely, he'll either continue to use his parents to save money or he'll break free like a dog off a leash - new life, money, friends, women....and where does that leave you? At best you'll get the I love you but I'm not I love with you line.

    Anyway, if I were you, I'd actually take this break as a time for you to step way back and open your eyes a bit. Remove those pink goggles and really take a good look at your relationship and how well you understand the situation. If he wants to continue, then give yourself a hard deadline - how long you are willing to wait on him to make a decision and if he doesn't, continues to make excuses, etc, then walk away and don't look back. Meanwhile, drop the topic. Do not drag this out for another year or two or three or you'll find yourself past the time to have the life that you want - caring husband and children.

    I think it's also pretty rich of him to keep you at arms length while he peruses women on instagram and then tell you that it's you feeling insecure that's giving him pause. He is making you insecure through his behavior. The part that you need to own is that you keep putting up with him and his bs. Anyway, blaming you was pretty low blow and quite manipulative of him. Another thing to think about. I doubt it's the first time he's ever pulled something like that if you are willing to be honest with yourself.
    Help, you really need to absorb all of this. It is time to accept this guy for who he is. This is not someone who will suddenly grow up and take responsibility. I can'r even imagine raising children with someone like this. You also need to address why you have tolerated, and continue to tolerate this nonsense. he will not change!

  2. #32
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    You are in your late 20s. If you want a family you need to start making plans very soon.
    His wishy washy approach to your life together & future isnt helping with these plans.
    You need to seriously work out if he is worth staying with

  3. #33
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    Just to update everyone - still barely talking.

    I texted him the other day wishing him good luck on a test he had. But thatís been about it. Still wondering if I should go no contact or keep texting him occasionally? Not sure which would be the best way to win him over and get him back...

  4. #34
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Try not to check in. He wanted space. So do not keep texting. He knows your contact info, so let him contact you. The best thing you can do is give him space, go no contact and focus on you. Put your energy into your friends/family, job/school, interests, groups, clubs, hobbies, etc.

    Trying to stay on his radar like this will only backfire. You remove the possibility of finding out if he is still interested.
    Originally Posted by Helpalways
    I texted him the other day wishing him good luck on a test he had. But thatís been about it. Still wondering if I should go no contact or keep texting him occasionally?

  5.  

  6. #35
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Try not to check in. He wanted space. So do not keep texting. He knows your contact info, so let him contact you. The best thing you can do is give him space, go no contact and focus on you. Put your energy into your friends/family, job/school, interests, groups, clubs, hobbies, etc.

    Trying to stay on his radar like this will only backfire. You remove the possibility of finding out if he is still interested.
    Thank you! The only confusing part was that after I wished him good luck, I told him I would still give him space. He then said that we should feel free to communicate and not be restricted on communication. And he has texted me a couple of short messages - one to tell me the test was over and one today where he shared an article with me. I kept my responses short.

  7. #36
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    Sorry to be blunt but I think get rid of him! I'm just a random on the Internet, so I can say that lol My family are not religious or traditional to that extent, so maybe I can't relate. But to me the whole situation just seems way too weird. Normally religious or traditional families are actually very marriage oriented. They believe the way to have relationships is to get married and have kids. So for one thing it's very strange that his family hasn't been very supportive of him having a relationship and them and him not wanting to push towards marriage.

    Another thing I find really weird is that you met his Mum only briefly. In 3.5 years you never met any of his other family or friends? Don't you find that really odd??!! Even if he wasn't "allowed" sleepovers with you, why have you not been able to meet his family? How was that not allowed or possible? I think if he truly loves you and sees a future with you, he would have been including you with his family the whole time. Things like Birthdays and holidays. You should have been invited to all that.

    The whole thing just sounds so dodgy, like maybe he had another woman the whole time and that's why didn't introduce you to family or have you over at their place. It didn't have to be a sleepover but you could just spend time with his family. Maybe the whole tradition thing is a lie just to keep you from asking too many questions.

    In any case, I think the writing is on the wall and he's not serious about your future or marriage. If he was, he wouldn't be taking a break because you asked about marriage. It's normal to want that at your age and after a 3.5 year relationship! The fact that it scared him off shows that he doesn't actually want that. With you, or maybe ever. So it's obvious that continuing with him is a waste of time.

  8. #37
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. Are you from different faith, cultures or countries? Unfortunately he was hemming and hawing all this time because eventually he will marry someone from his own background, who his family approves of.

    You need to end it. Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. He was stringing you along.

    There's nothing to "repair". He's just a cowardly slime who wants to blame the breakup on you, when in fact marriage, commitment, etc. was never in the cards. You never had a chance given his "traditional" beliefs and family.
    Agreed, but also I think the whole traditional family thing sounds like an excuse.

  9. #38
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Try not to check in. He wanted space. So do not keep texting. He knows your contact info, so let him contact you. The best thing you can do is give him space, go no contact and focus on you. Put your energy into your friends/family, job/school, interests, groups, clubs, hobbies, etc.

    Trying to stay on his radar like this will only backfire. You remove the possibility of finding out if he is still interested.
    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    Sorry to be blunt but I think get rid of him! I'm just a random on the Internet, so I can say that lol My family are not religious or traditional to that extent, so maybe I can't relate. But to me the whole situation just seems way too weird. Normally religious or traditional families are actually very marriage oriented. They believe the way to have relationships is to get married and have kids. So for one thing it's very strange that his family hasn't been very supportive of him having a relationship and them and him not wanting to push towards marriage.

    Another thing I find really weird is that you met his Mum only briefly. In 3.5 years you never met any of his other family or friends? Don't you find that really odd??!! Even if he wasn't "allowed" sleepovers with you, why have you not been able to meet his family? How was that not allowed or possible? I think if he truly loves you and sees a future with you, he would have been including you with his family the whole time. Things like Birthdays and holidays. You should have been invited to all that.

    The whole thing just sounds so dodgy, like maybe he had another woman the whole time and that's why didn't introduce you to family or have you over at their place. It didn't have to be a sleepover but you could just spend time with his family. Maybe the whole tradition thing is a lie just to keep you from asking too many questions.

    In any case, I think the writing is on the wall and he's not serious about your future or marriage. If he was, he wouldn't be taking a break because you asked about marriage. It's normal to want that at your age and after a 3.5 year relationship! The fact that it scared him off shows that he doesn't actually want that. With you, or maybe ever. So it's obvious that continuing with him is a waste of time.
    Sorry if this was unclear - but I spend time with his family all the time ó multiple times a week! I think they are supportive of the relationship and have always been very welcoming. They just are not cool with him sleeping over at night before marriage!

  10. #39
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    Originally Posted by Helpalways
    Sorry if this was unclear - but I spend time with his family all the time ó multiple times a week! I think they are supportive of the relationship and have always been very welcoming. They just are not cool with him sleeping over at night before marriage!
    OK thanks for the clarification! But something is actually stopping your boyfriend from wanting marriage after 3.5 years. I think it's been too long and there is no point in waiting a few more years for him to make up his mind. He should already know now if he wants to marry you or not. Instead he's taking a break from you because it scared him off. If he saw a future with you, he would marry you. It's as simple as that. In the very least he would get engaged.

  11. #40
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    So there are religious differences or not? Don't dismiss it. You have your own place and can have men sleep over but he lives with his parents who do not approve of premarital sex? Unfortunately this is an extreme incompatibility. Fade out.
    Originally Posted by Helpalways
    They just are not cool with him sleeping over at night before marriage!

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