My girlfriend's feelings take priority in the relationship

I love my girlfriend very much, and feel that she is in so many ways my soulmate. These feelings make it so tough to be objective right now, when looking for a way to resolve a recurring issue.

I feel that there is an imbalance in the relationship, and that I am prioritizing her feelings to the extent she doesn't consider mine, and often enough she is saying things that upset me. To give context I am an emotional and highly caring guy, and perhaps don't often communicate to her when she has said something that hurts me. My rationale for not bringing these things up is that she will withdraw, and become emotional (as has happened before).

Now though, it seems to happen more often and I blame myself for not being fully communicative. But why should I have to tell her not to react certain ways to things out of our control? I've noticed most of the times she lashes out at me is when something unexpected has happened. This is another reason i try to take it in my stride and accommodate, but honestly it hurts me. I think that it is not about me, but I just happen to be there to take the damage when she reacts, and obviously it hurts. Does anyone have any advice?

Sorry to hear that. How long have you been dating? How often do you see each other in person? What exactly is she "reacting to"?

It sounds like you are having overcharged arguments. Both of you need to calm down, be less 'emotional and sensitive' (touchy).

Have any discussions in a calm setting. Do not use text for this. Do not start a discussion if either of you are drinking.

If things get too heated, take a break and a breather and revisit the topic when you are both not this "emotional and sensitive" and cooler heads prevail.

It takes two for this so claiming you are a victim doesn't help.. Pick your battles, don't pursue arguments over nonsense, bow out of that.

often enough she is saying things that upset me.

why should I have to tell her not to react certain ways to things out of our control?

I think you're making this way too complicated and wordy. Simply put, she whines/complains/lashes out when things don't go her way. You don't like it but you don't tell her this because you are scared if you do she'll withdraw or maybe even break up with you.

My advice: the next time she does this you say -when she is done whining/lashing out. "I feel upset when you express yourself this way. I don't like it. I understand you feel frustrated or angry and I don't like when you [yell/whine] because I feel like you're taking it out on me." The next time you react this way I will leave the room (or end our call, etc) so that I can take care of myself. I'm happy to be supportive when you're feeling badly as long as you treat me with respect."

Part of being "highly caring" is to show someone you care for yourself. Being a doormat isn't highly caring.

Depression, bi-polar disorder. She needs to seek out a diagnosis. Irrational behavior usually means mental health issues or an addiction. Since you are a caring guy and avoid provoking her emotional outbursts, all you are doing is enabling. Nothing will change. It's time to have a serious conversation and try and get her some help. If she is in denial, the only solution I have is to remove yourself from the relationship so she can reflect on the conversation you had with her and have a good think about her behavior.

Whatever is going on with her, she doesn't know how to deal with things say like yourself would. She chooses to lash out as a way to cope when she gets over whelmed with her emotions. Just my take on it, because I have had to deal with a manic mother all my life, so I totally understand the confusion and hurt you are going through. We have had many threaded on this. Same advice given, you either get together and seek counseling or get out of the relationship...those are your choices.

You are what is called an emotional punching bag. They need to let it out and you happen to be the safe bet.

They rarely do it to anyone they think will leave them for their actions so they beat up someone really close that loves them.

You are paying the price for her inability to cope with life. She needs help that you cannot provide as you cannot be her therapist or counselor. She would resent you for trying and things will just get worse.

Since up and dumping her is not an option for you yet you need to sit down with her when she is calm and no drama has occurred lately and let her know that when she takes things out on you it hurts deeply and you wish she would resolve problems without being emotionally abusive towards you. See what she says. It might go well or it might blow up. If it blows up and she does her usual then just calmly get up and leave and go for a drive or to a friends house and let what you said and how she reacted sink in a little. The next time you see her give her the opportunity to apologize to you and see if she is willing to calmly talk.

Basically she is the one that is going to make your decision for you whether or not the relationship will continue or not.

Lost

What is she saying?

Why are you scared to speak up? How can you have a future without communication? Has she sought a therapist to deal with her anger?

No one respects a doormat.

You'll have to learn to vocalize and be more assertive. Unfortunately you're prioritizing her needs or feelings without taking into account yours and the pattern or dynamic is set in the relationship. Correcting it now is hard.

If the relationship is affecting your mental or emotional health, end it. Start practicing ways to develop more assertiveness around people or in intimate relationships. The pattern will keep repeating itself regardless of who you date if you're not able to do this. Stay away from individuals who are unreasonable or too extreme that you can't reason with them. These are all red flags. You may be attracted to a certain type of person that isn't healthy for you in the long run.

Thanks for the input guys, I appreciate it.

To preface I definitely wouldn't consider myself a doormat as such, nor my girlfriend a volatile personality with bipolar tendencies or the like. The context that this happens in is not in an overcharged argument, it's when things are going fine and something happens that take my girlfriend by surprise or she disapproves of it. It generally comes off as lashing out at me, I would say - as I say there is no build-up or disagreement beforehand.

I think it may come down to differences in upbringing; perhaps my girlfriend being brought up in a family where taking quick jabs at each other was deemed OK, or maybe necessary for survival, or not a big deal. Versus mine, where that was absolutely not acceptable for a number of reasons I won't get into, but namely involving hypersensitive family members that blew up at the slightest whiff of criticism.

Basically I can see that it comes down to something habitual in my girlfriend that objectively isn't to do with my lack of caring or forethought, it's more just her lashing out with an unwarranted jab every now and then that hits me hard, and while I try to just take it and accept that she doesn't mean to hurt me, and that bringing it up will cause more problems than good, it does hurt.

Try not to rationalize bad behavior by blaming it on her upbringing. Perhaps yes she comes from a clan of abusive rowdy people. Are they heavy drinkers?

Nonetheless, it makes you incompatible. If you don't want to end it, find a way to ignore it, leave the room, end the conversation, don't hang out with her nasty family, etc.

my girlfriend being brought up in a family where taking quick jabs at each other was deemed OK

 

I can see that it comes down to something habitual in my girlfriend that objectively isn't to do with my lack of caring or forethought, it's more just her lashing out with an unwarranted jab every now

I agree with Wisman that you shouldn't make excuses for her. She is an adult and has to own her behavior.

If you have CLEARLY expressed to her how much hurt verbal abuse hurts you and she continues then you basically have two choices.

1. End the relationship

2. Learn to endure the abuse.

This is yours to point out to her and make sure she totally understands and hers to correct.

Lost

Thanks for the input guys, I appreciate it.

 

To preface I definitely wouldn't consider myself a doormat as such, nor my girlfriend a volatile personality with bipolar tendencies or the like. The context that this happens in is not in an overcharged argument, it's when things are going fine and something happens that take my girlfriend by surprise or she disapproves of it. It generally comes off as lashing out at me, I would say - as I say there is no build-up or disagreement beforehand.

 

I think it may come down to differences in upbringing; perhaps my girlfriend being brought up in a family where taking quick jabs at each other was deemed OK, or maybe necessary for survival, or not a big deal. Versus mine, where that was absolutely not acceptable for a number of reasons I won't get into, but namely involving hypersensitive family members that blew up at the slightest whiff of criticism.

 

Basically I can see that it comes down to something habitual in my girlfriend that objectively isn't to do with my lack of caring or forethought, it's more just her lashing out with an unwarranted jab every now and then that hits me hard, and while I try to just take it and accept that she doesn't mean to hurt me, and that bringing it up will cause more problems than good, it does hurt.

Maybe either/or. Without any examples, it's difficult to tell who is overreacting - her or you.

If you are so uncomfortable, don't make excuses and move on with your life. There's nothing worse than living in constant unease, discomfort, distrust and becoming anxious or developing mental health issues of your own because you are incompatible. There's a tragedy in that.

Do what's right for you and don't make any apologies about it either. She also deserves to be happy and not constantly deal with a person who keeps victimizing himself or her constantly being made out to be a villian. That is also unfortunate.

Maybe either/or. Without any examples, it's difficult to tell who is overreacting - her or you.

 

If you are so uncomfortable, don't make excuses and move on with your life. There's nothing worse than living in constant unease, discomfort, distrust and becoming anxious or developing mental health issues of your own because you are incompatible. There's a tragedy in that.

 

Do what's right for you and don't make any apologies about it either. She also deserves to be happy and not constantly deal with a person who keeps victimizing himself or her constantly being made out to be a villian. That is also unfortunate.

Agree.

Hard to tell exactly what is going on here aside from the fact that you're afraid to talk to her.

You have to talk to her. There's no way around it.

Try to negotiate a solution that works for both of you. If it doesn't work out, then leave. But at least broach the subject and take action.

If something is hurting you, you need to tell her. Otherwise it will continue to happen and you will keep hurting until you reach a breaking point. Then the problem will be much worse. All relationships are based on honest, sincere communication. Maybe she has unresolved issues. Maybe she has a temper. Maybe she doesn't even realize what she is doing. But if she cares about you like you say, then she will not want to hurt you like that. You can figure out what is causing it and how to prevent if from being an issue. Also, if she does it with you, she probably does it with others. So by addressing it, you will be helping her in general.