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Thread: Was dating the most wonderful woman and then...

  1. #51
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Just want to come in late and say I'm really sorry about this.

    However way you turn the prism, as others have mentioned, I think what this woman has shown you is that she doesn't have the stuff to meet you anywhere close to your level. I hope you can find a way to keep celebrating the compassionate, curious spirit in yourself that allowed you to take this risk, to accept her in the form she initially presented herself as being in, while channeling that same spirit, now, in giving you what you need rather than bending to find some inauthentic balance around her shapeshifting needs.
    Thanks so much, Bluecastle :-) Always love hearing from you! Yes, at the very least, I can say that I showed up fully present and open-hearted and in a really healthy place which I felt like I hadnít done in a relationship in years. She also felt like the best match for me that I have maybe ever met and that is what makes this so hard. But alas, I guess we just keep walking forward as better people and I know my heart will remain open even though it feels very broken at the moment.

  2. #52
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Good attitude.

    I know how hard it is, when something seemingly so promising turns out to be, well, the opposite of promising. Hard to reconcile one truth (you in a healthy place, feeling like your healthiest receptors were doing the connecting, mentally deeming a relationship a validation of all that) with the truth of another, as it surfaces. Been there.

    As you spin around and thwack through the feelings, I hope you don't get too mired down in thinking this is some kind of verdict on you, on you not being in that "really healthy place" you thought you were, and so on. Celebrate that same healthy place you were in when you met her, and connected with her, by accepting that where she is right now is not a place you want to be. That, sad as it is at the moment, is how you affirm that truth in you.

    Are there people out there who walk the talk she talked when it comes to exes? I think so. Alas, what she has shown you is that she's not really in that camp, is more emotionally wobbly than you thought. Your great match is going to be made of something else. Process this so you can stay open to that collision, when it comes. It's out there, looking for you.

  3. #53
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Good attitude.

    I know how hard it is, when something seemingly so promising turns out to be, well, the opposite of promising. Hard to reconcile one truth (you in a healthy place, feeling like your healthiest receptors were doing the connecting, mentally deeming a relationship a validation of all that) with the truth of another, as it surfaces. Been there.

    As you spin around and thwack through the feelings, I hope you don't get too mired down in thinking this is some kind of verdict on you, on you not being in that "really healthy place" you thought you were, and so on. Celebrate that same healthy place you were in when you met her, and connected with her, by accepting that where she is right now is not a place you want to be. That, sad as it is at the moment, is how you affirm that truth in you.

    Are there people out there who walk the talk she talked when it comes to exes? I think so. Alas, what she has shown you is that she's not really in that camp, is more emotionally wobbly than you thought. Your great match is going to be made of something else. Process this so you can stay open to that collision, when it comes. It's out there, looking for you.
    Bluecastle,

    Just reading your post makes me feel better, thank you so much, truly. I do feel that what I was able to take from this was that as badly as it felt to essentially be ghosted and for another woman which, in the past, would have thrown me into an abandonment tailspin, questioning every ounce of my self-worth, I was able to truly comprehend that I did everything I could do here to show up and that this is no reflection on me. That realization in itself is a gift that I have taken from this situation. I hope youíre right about people who walk the talk when it comes to exes. I think youíre correct in that. She had never gotten back together with anyone before which was why this whole thing was mind-boggling. But thank you for reminding me that my great match is out there looking for me. Hard to remember when you had the dream of someone specific, but so vitally important. Thank you again so so much!

  4. #54
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    Of course it was no reflection on you -and I'm confused about a few things - why is it relevant she'd never gotten back together with anyone before? I'm not sure it's a trait -isn't it an individual thing each and every time? I married my ex-fiancee- I'd never gotten back together with a fiancee before or a committed partner where we actually got married- where it actually worked. Nor would I have ever said to anyone that I thought I'd ever, ever get back together with my now husband. Or thought it. Until it happened. It's not like a value "I don't have casual sex" or "I wouldn't ever cheat on anyone" - she did nothing wrong by getting back together -the wrong part is only if she lied to you from the beginning and was not really into you, just waiting for her ex to initiate contact.

    Also how is that she ghosted you? Sounds like she ended things because she chose her ex. Sounds like she told you what was going on -she didn't just disappear in thin air.
    I hope you are feeling much better today. Your great match is not necessarily out there looking for you -unless you're also being proactive and unless you want to be the right person to find the right person. You might be that right person right now, of course!

    One more thing -consider that part of the intensity/excitement was that somehow you sensed that she was a little distant/needed to be won over/wooed and that increased the intensity. Just consider that when you pick the next person to get involved with.

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  6. #55
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Was dating the most wonderful woman and then...

    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Of course it was no reflection on you -and I'm confused about a few things - why is it relevant she'd never gotten back together with anyone before? I'm not sure it's a trait -isn't it an individual thing each and every time? I married my ex-fiancee- I'd never gotten back together with a fiancee before or a committed partner where we actually got married- where it actually worked. Nor would I have ever said to anyone that I thought I'd ever, ever get back together with my now husband. Or thought it. Until it happened. It's not like a value "I don't have casual sex" or "I wouldn't ever cheat on anyone" - she did nothing wrong by getting back together -the wrong part is only if she lied to you from the beginning and was not really into you, just waiting for her ex to initiate contact.

    Also how is that she ghosted you? Sounds like she ended things because she chose her ex. Sounds like she told you what was going on -she didn't just disappear in thin air.
    I hope you are feeling much better today. Your great match is not necessarily out there looking for you -unless you're also being proactive and unless you want to be the right person to find the right person. You might be that right person right now, of course!

    One more thing -consider that part of the intensity/excitement was that somehow you sensed that she was a little distant/needed to be won over/wooed and that increased the intensity. Just consider that when you pick the next person to get involved with.
    I understand what you are saying about the last part but she and I were mutually wooing of each other - 100%. Perhaps ghosted is not the right word, but we were equally on the same page in terms of our feelings and I donít believe Iím in the dark about that. She would never have said what she said to me if she didnít mean it. And then, even after the ex came back and pulled out all the stops, she still told me that she chooses me and is clear about that. Even the night before our last conversation. Then the next day, it was over.

    Itís a commonly known thing in the lesbian world that people stay friends with exes and at times, have poor boundaries, Which is why when she and I met, I asked her the question about any loose ends and she said she had none and I told her that I was not in anyway associated with any of my exes in close friendships. She said she had never left a relationship with her for someone else except for when she met her ex-wife.

    The thing is that she didnít lie to me from the beginning. She and her ex had been only platonic friends for the last four months when they couldíve been more, but the ex didnít lose it until this one started dating me. That is possessiveness. Itís not love. Itís someone afraid of losing something they think is theirs. Anyway, it doesnít matter - the nature of their relationship - The one I was dating felt the need to save this other woman and I didnít need her to save me. I wanted to show up as her equal.

  7. #56
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    But ghosting is disappearing on someone you have a close relationship with -she told you why she was leaving. Right - it doesn't matter as far as your analysis of whether her ex loves her, is possessive, etc -and you're too biased really to analyze it of course. So she had left someone before and anyway it's not a pattern as I said - big deal that she'd only done it once before, big deal they were friends only. When I met my ex fiancee for dinner we hadn't seen each other in 1.5 years, had been in sporadic contact for almost 8 years. Sparks flew. Hit us like a ton of bricks. He'd recently ended something, I'd recently started dating someone.
    The ex's actions are irrelevant -you have no idea if she "lost it" -she may have had a range of emotions, it may have been a coincidence, etc etc. You don't know if she had a need to save this woman even if she told you that. Because you're an outsider and not a professional with either of them as your client. That's cool that you want a relationship of equals - you're entitled! Whatever equals means to you.

    As far as what's common in the lesbian community I caution you to avoid generalizations because you probably will date women who are bisexual, newly lesbian, etc - they may or may not be part of any lesbian community. I also wouldn't go with the stereotype of poor boundaries -judge each person as an individual no matter their sexual orientation, etc. JMHO.

  8. #57
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Was dating the most wonderful woman and then...

    Originally Posted by Batya33
    But ghosting is disappearing on someone you have a close relationship with -she told you why she was leaving. Right - it doesn't matter as far as your analysis of whether her ex loves her, is possessive, etc -and you're too biased really to analyze it of course. So she had left someone before and anyway it's not a pattern as I said - big deal that she'd only done it once before, big deal they were friends only. When I met my ex fiancee for dinner we hadn't seen each other in 1.5 years, had been in sporadic contact for almost 8 years. Sparks flew. Hit us like a ton of bricks. He'd recently ended something, I'd recently started dating someone.
    The ex's actions are irrelevant -you have no idea if she "lost it" -she may have had a range of emotions, it may have been a coincidence, etc etc. You don't know if she had a need to save this woman even if she told you that. Because you're an outsider and not a professional with either of them as your client. That's cool that you want a relationship of equals - you're entitled! Whatever equals means to you.

    As far as what's common in the lesbian community I caution you to avoid generalizations because you probably will date women who are bisexual, newly lesbian, etc - they may or may not be part of any lesbian community. I also wouldn't go with the stereotype of poor boundaries -judge each person as an individual no matter their sexual orientation, etc. JMHO.
    Oh, I think a lot of people can have poor boundaries regardless of their sexual orientation... and I think a lot of people donít have poor boundaries. Regardless, I donít think this is cut and dry. I donít think itís like you and your husband where you met back up and sparks flew... but again, it doesnít matter at this point. What she and I had was incredible and we both knew it. It wasnít a mirage or wishful thinking and so saying that she just left for her ex makes it sound like she didnít care like I thought she did but she did. I was an active participant in it. For me, I guess none of that matters as I find myself here without the relationship and she finds herself likely back with her ex and so trying to figure it out doesnít help even though I wish it did.

  9. #58
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    Originally Posted by Nebraskagirl14
    Oh, I think a lot of people can have poor boundaries regardless of their sexual orientation... and I think a lot of people donít have poor boundaries. Regardless, I donít think this is cut and dry. I donít think itís like you and your husband where you met back up and sparks flew... but again, it doesnít matter at this point. What she and I had was incredible and we both knew it. It wasnít a mirage or wishful thinking and so saying that she just left for her ex makes it sound like she didnít care like I thought she did but she did. I was an active participant in it. For me, I guess none of that matters as I find myself here without the relationship and she finds herself likely back with her ex and so trying to figure it out doesnít help even though I wish it did.
    But no - you find yourself on your own, healthy, vibrant, smart,attractive - and wanting to meet a person who is a good match! Right? I didn't mean it was cut and dry. I meant that your attempting to analyze was counterproductive and irrelevant given your bias. What you two had was incredible. Please know that many people can have something that is incredible short term -it's much easier in the beginning -the incredible part - because it's largely in a vacuum. You didn't have to experience real life over time -seasons, job loss, job gain, illness, vacations, family gatherings, family chaos, etc.

    It's not a mirage. It's simply short term. Short term means that until you've known someone over a long period of time in a romantic relationship you typically don't know if there is long term potential. Typically. Yes there are always exceptions. It's not cut and dry. But exceptions. Rare exceptions. She cared about you of course. She might still. She's just not interested in being in a long term committed relationship with you at this time. If she was interested she wouldn't have left. People move towards pleasure and away from pain if they are relatively stable/normal people.

    I think what would help is you living your life, continuing your vibrancy, your intelligence, your spunk, and being proactive about putting yourself out there in a reasonably confident way to hopefully find the right match. There are no guarantees other than if you don't put yourself out there and you don't have long hair like Rapunzel I doubt you will meet the right person.

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