I love my relationship, and can’t stand his daughter

I’ve been here with him for three years now and have tried to be a part of this when she comes which is every week for three days.

He had his kid late in life and now Co parents her because the marriage failed. She’s 7, bratty and entitled. Cries and throws literal screaming tantrums when she doesn’t get her way. Raises her voice, can’t be appreciative and doesn’t even know how to say please and thank you. It’s not getting better as she gets older. It’s getting worse.

He isn’t strict with her, and she has no responsibility or consequences to her behavior and when she does, “I want to go to mamas house”, and her wish is everyone’s command.

I raised four BOYS as a single parent and they are adults now. They never acted this way!

He gets it, he says he understands that I’ve raised my kids and don’t want that life again. We talked about this before I even moved in. And is willing to let me “do my thing” when she’s there.

I honestly just want to have my own place to go when she comes over and have nothing to do with the situation at all. But even after our discussions of me not wanting to be involved I feel like he’s still trying to keep me involved.. wanting me to do things together with them, be around when she’s there, he always tells me when she brings my name into conversation as to remind me how he would love if we were al together...

I don’t want that. I recently tried to have this conversation that I’d just like to keep myself removed when she is there... and he said things are better when I don’t do that.

Well they aren’t better for me! I don’t want kids in my life. At all. Ever again.

The four days she isn’t there, we are best friends, get along wonderfully and have an amazing relationship with so much in common. I can emotionally remove myself from this each week to give them their father daughter space and take time to myself, that I actually enjoy, but I don’t know how to continue to have this conversation, when he isn’t listening to me and respect how I feel about being involved with this little mess of a daughter of his and his X’s.

I didn’t create this little monster and don’t feel I should spend my time dealing with the consequences of her.

I do not want to be there and have even been looking for my own place but feel that will probably end the relationship.

I’m not sure what the answer is here. I don’t know if there is one. I just know how I feel, I do not feel good about my feelings about this either... but it IS how I feel and I have to honor that in myself first

Anyway, any feedback would be wonderful. I appreciate the time that anyone takes to read and reply

Sorry to hear this. Yes, move out. This is his daughter and she will be there a lot and in his life the rest of his life.

This way "the four days she isn’t there, we are best friends, get along wonderfully and have an amazing relationship", will be when you visit, not where you are living. Rather than hate a child, realize that actually he's the real problem and you two are extremely incompatible.

I do not want to be there and have even been looking for my own place but feel that will probably end the relationship.

He seems dismissive towards you. I agree with you on moving out and having your own space. Can I ask what prompted you to move in with him?

Im afraid he comes as a package deal with his Daughter.

If you didnt want to raise children again you should have looked for someone who had older children.

I honestly dont see any solution to this, other than you leaving. You knew he had his Daughter every week & you still moved in.

He will never pick you over her, so you either live with it & do family things or you leave.

 

I didn’t create this little monster and don’t feel I should spend my time dealing with the consequences of her.

 

After reading the above statement I wouldn't want you around my child, or any other child for that matter. I'm not sure why you even got involved with this guy while knowing he has a child, AKA a human being.

After reading the above statement I wouldn't want you around my child, or any other child for that matter. I'm not sure why you even got involved with this guy while knowing he has a child, AKA a human being.

Totally agree. How fortunate for you that your kids never ever said anything disrespectful or acted in a bratty way. This little girl is having a hard time and has a tough situation with her parents divorced and her dad living with a woman who cannot stand her (yes, she knows). She deserves someone who wants to be part of her life.

Ugh I’ve been there before. Definitely move out, he will continue to be dismissive and you will forever feel undermined and disappointed.

I agree you should move out. You should never have moved in but you know that now. His kid will always come before you in his life, and she should. If you cant figure out how to at least get along with the kid, then go get your own apt. or if you dont want to ditch him completely, get a hotel room for 3 days a week. However that will get expensive.

Yes the kid knows full well how you feel about her.

If you despise his CHILD this is not the relationship for you. Period. Find someone with no kids or grandchildren.

Hopefully your own kids don’t have kids if you can’t tolerate kids , ever. Imagine grandma despising you. 😓

People remember their own children as saints when they see other people's kids. I am sure your boys, especially with dad not around, had their fair share of bad behavior and you have forgotten because they turned out as upstanding citizens in the end. I sincerely hope you have no grandkids with this attitude...because surely you will blame your daughter in law if they aren't always perfectly behaved. I suspect the child isn't a hellion, maybe lacks some manners but could be just a typical, active, bouncey child too.

Honestly, you knew he had a young child when you met. He didn't keep her a secret. I would have declined the third date if he had his daughter half the time or had a three year old period like he did when you met, but now that you live with him and are in it, would it kill you to go to lunch with the two of them every week. Make it something she looks forward to and set boundaries. She has to use her (reasonable for a child, not for a saint) manners or the visit with you is over. You don't have to parent the child to set boundaries on how someone treats you.

I find it honest to say you don't want to raise another child, but find it disheartening to talk about her that she is a "little monster" - half of her is the man you love.

This little girl is hurting! She might not even remember her mom and dad being together if you have been dating 4 years already - i presume she was very young when they split. She could be acting out because she is not secure. It seems like she wants your attention and you are unkind to her. There are ways to be kind as a human being without raising her.

I’ve been here with him for three years now and have tried to be a part of this when she comes which is every week for three days.

 

I don’t want kids in my life. At all. Ever again.

 

I do not want to be there and have even been looking for my own place but feel that will probably end the relationship.

Looking for your own place (and the possibility of the relationship ending) will be an absolute blessing in disguise for that poor child.

You KNEW from the get-go that he had a child, yet you say you don't want kids in your life, ever again. A bit contradictory? Remember, YOU chose to be in this relationship. They are a package deal. That child is a part of him and she SHOULD come first in his life. If you don't like the package deal, pack your bags and leave.

After reading the above statement I wouldn't want you around my child, or any other child for that matter. I'm not sure why you even got involved with this guy while knowing he has a child, AKA a human being.

^ Worth repeating.

Oh boy..you're treading on thin ice calling his daughter a monster and continuously criticizing her.

YOU are the adult. Are you not able to remove your reactions to her outbursts, stay in control and not allow it to upset you the way it is?

If you want to be a part of this mans life, you can't and shouldn't be picking and choosing which parts you will be apart of and which parts you won't be apart of, namely his child.

He loves his daughter, this is his child! That means that on some level, you need to accept her, be in both of their lives and try to be as decent about the whole thing as you can be.

Yes, it's going to be hard, but no one said life is going to be easy, especially in relationships. But let's say for a moment that this was both of yours daughter. Then for sure you wouldn't be able to walk out whenever you please, so why should you now?

It just doesn't make sense and to be honest, you're making yourself sound immature and selfish.

He has a temperamental child. That's an issue, but you're the grown adult who says you love him and wants to be in a serious relationship with him. You should be learning how to cope with her and work it out for everyone included.

What would your attitude be if she was autistic and had tantrums (because many autistics do), would you have the same attitude? What if she had cancer or other serious health issues and was taking a lot of her fathers time up and wasn't in good moods when she was home? What is she was mentally disabled in some way and difficult?

You're telling me you would get mad, stomp your feet, and walk out on him then too?

Come on, you're the adult here. It's not an easy situation, no, but surely you can make it work without becoming difficult too??

I didn’t create this little monster and don’t feel I should spend my time dealing with the consequences of her.

Don't talk about her like this. You have no right to. I will say it in front of everyone....you don't speak about children this way.

She has temper tantrums, she has difficulties and yes, there is no doubt that the adults in her life created this. But she is an innocent child, she did not create herself.

Either way, don't call people monsters.

I have no kids at all so can't speak from any experience. But to me it seems that there is actually nothing you can do about this situation except end this relationship. For one thing, I think if a child is not disciplined and is allowed to do whatever they want, it's the parents' fault. So it's your boyfriend's and/or his ex's fault that they're bringing their daughter up like this. But you can't really do anything about that because it's not your child so you don't get to raise her by your rules.

Also personality is set at a very small age so likely this is this little girl's nature. She is not a quiet, timid girl, that's not who she is. Also let's be honest, small children can be naughty and loud. My best friend has two boys, a three and a five year old. They're naughty and exhausting! Seven is still quite small. You can't expect this girl to act like your children, who are in fact adults.

If you don't want children in your life then you can't date someone with a child. She's always going to be in your boyfriend's life and that will never change.

He comes with strings attached and baggage. This problem will not go away.

The only way to have peace with yourself is not be in a relationship with him. Ending the relationship is inevitable. I'm sorry.

Move out and find your own place. Then you will have peace and quiet and you will no longer have this stress. Be reasonable, practical and realistic.

Well they aren’t better for me! I don’t want kids in my life. At all. Ever again.

Then why the hell did you start dating a man with a kid?

Come on, lady. You knew what you were signing up for, and that your expectation to be totally removed from her life was unrealistic. Own your poor decisions.

I have no kids at all so can't speak from any experience. But to me it seems that there is actually nothing you can do about this situation except end this relationship. For one thing, I think if a child is not disciplined and is allowed to do whatever they want, it's the parents' fault. So it's your boyfriend's and/or his ex's fault that they're bringing their daughter up like this. But you can't really do anything about that because it's not your child so you don't get to raise her by your rules.

 

Also personality is set at a very small age so likely this is this little girl's nature. She is not a quiet, timid girl, that's not who she is. Also let's be honest, small children can be naughty and loud. My best friend has two boys, a three and a five year old. They're naughty and exhausting! Seven is still quite small. You can't expect this girl to act like your children, who are in fact adults.

 

If you don't want children in your life then you can't date someone with a child. She's always going to be in your boyfriend's life and that will never change.

I don't agree with these generalizations about children or about finger pointing . We have so little information. We don't know if the child has special needs whether emotional, medical, etc (and she might not know, and perhaps more evaluation needs to be done but that's for her parents), this child is from a broken home, we don't know who the primary caregiver is -it might be the mother, it might be a nanny, it might be an grandparent-the child might be abused at her other home. We don't know.

I don't believe personalities are "set" in the extreme way you put it. Way too many exceptions out there (including my husband, including me). We don't know at all if she's allowed to do whatever she wants -this is from a woman who is not the mother and who doesn't want to be around kids -that's her perception. I was once chastised in public by a cashier about my child's behavior - you know what he was doing? He was 9 months old and he was wailing. Want to know why? Because he was a baby and also because the cashier was clueless about how to do a transaction so it was taking a looooonggg time. She referred to my son as "your screaming kid" and was really judgmental about his behavior. People have all sorts of opinions about how a child should behave (in that case the manager was summoned, flowers were given to me, and I never saw her working there again).

I completely agree that she has no say particularly because she's so bitter and hostile and doesn't want to be around this little girl in the first place. Worst person to interact with her. I agree she should exit this situation.

One-and-done. OP never returned.

We have so little information.

I don't agree with these generalizations about children or about finger pointing . We have so little information. We don't know if the child has special needs whether emotional, medical, etc (and she might not know, and perhaps more evaluation needs to be done but that's for her parents), this child is from a broken home, we don't know who the primary caregiver is -it might be the mother, it might be a nanny, it might be an grandparent-the child might be abused at her other home. We don't know.

 

I don't believe personalities are "set" in the extreme way you put it. Way too many exceptions out there (including my husband, including me). We don't know at all if she's allowed to do whatever she wants -this is from a woman who is not the mother and who doesn't want to be around kids -that's her perception. I was once chastised in public by a cashier about my child's behavior - you know what he was doing? He was 9 months old and he was wailing. Want to know why? Because he was a baby and also because the cashier was clueless about how to do a transaction so it was taking a looooonggg time. She referred to my son as "your screaming kid" and was really judgmental about his behavior. People have all sorts of opinions about how a child should behave (in that case the manager was summoned, flowers were given to me, and I never saw her working there again).

 

I completely agree that she has no say particularly because she's so bitter and hostile and doesn't want to be around this little girl in the first place. Worst person to interact with her. I agree she should exit this situation.

Well, I was coming from the same perspective (I think?) that these behaviours may not be the child's fault. That's right, we don't know how she is being brought up. Or if she has any particular conditions or needs that may need to be addressed. But at the same time she may have a boisterous personality as well. I wasn't trying to say children are horrible. I actually enjoy spending time with my best friend's children but they are very hyperactive and tiring. That's because they're small kids and that's what kids do. Small children do throw tantrums about little things because they don't have the maturity to deal with them.

Well, I was coming from the same perspective (I think?) that these behaviours may not be the child's fault. That's right, we don't know how she is being brought up. Or if she has any particular conditions or needs that may need to be addressed. But at the same time she may have a boisterous personality as well. I wasn't trying to say children are horrible. I actually enjoy spending time with my best friend's children but they are very hyperactive and tiring. That's because they're small kids and that's what kids do. Small children do throw tantrums about little things because they don't have the maturity to deal with them.

Yes. I don't agree that we should presume it's the parents' fault or even that what she says about the discipline approaches is accurate. I don't think personalities or behaviors are set in stone. She is 7 years old so she's still young but not a toddler. My best guess is -this is a guess -she behaves beautifully with certain adults -like teachers- and maybe not with her parents who she probably has seen fight/disagree many many times in her young life. Or maybe she has certain special needs or allergies that are not being addressed. So hard to know. All we know is that the OP considers this little girl to be a monster, doesn't want to be around kids in general and yet has chosen to be seriously involved with a man who is a father to a young child. Kids with boisterous personalities can behave beautifully as long as beautiful isn't described as sitting still and quiet all the time.

My personality was absolutely not set in stone at age 7. I was a quiet bookworm and I have been a social adult who has lots of friends and speaks a lot (probably too much lol).

I agree...this relationship will not work.

My personality was absolutely not set in stone at age 7. I was a quiet bookworm and I have been a social adult who has lots of friends and speaks a lot (probably too much lol).

 

I agree...this relationship will not work.

Same here - quiet bookworm who came out of her shell as a teenager -because of an awesome high school sweetheart who was a full of life extrovert and taught me how to dance -in the 80s.

Good grief, why would you date someone with a child if you don't like children? It seems like a no-brainer. Even a partner says "oh no it doesn't matter, you will barely see my child, blah blah", it's not true. Once the relationship gets more serious, yes, you will be expected to take more of a parental role and yes, that means sinking your money/time into said child. If you don't want that, don't date a person who has kids.

Look OP, I get you. Most children grate on my nerves....the shrill voices, children's TV, the occasional (or depending on the child, constant) screaming, the grubby hands, just not for me, you know? My home is quiet and not child-proof. Hell, I'm sterilized now so I can't even have kids and trust me, that's a good thing. But I wouldn't dream of dating a man with kids. Quite frankly, I would rather stay single than date a man with kid(s).

It's not fair to you, OP, or the kids. They deserve their dad dating someone who enjoys them and wants to help raise them. And if you don't want to raise kids, then you should absolutely not put yourself in positions where you're expected to take such a role eventually.