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Thread: I love my relationship, and canít stand his daughter

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I don't agree with these generalizations about children or about finger pointing . We have so little information. We don't know if the child has special needs whether emotional, medical, etc (and she might not know, and perhaps more evaluation needs to be done but that's for her parents), this child is from a broken home, we don't know who the primary caregiver is -it might be the mother, it might be a nanny, it might be an grandparent-the child might be abused at her other home. We don't know.

    I don't believe personalities are "set" in the extreme way you put it. Way too many exceptions out there (including my husband, including me). We don't know at all if she's allowed to do whatever she wants -this is from a woman who is not the mother and who doesn't want to be around kids -that's her perception. I was once chastised in public by a cashier about my child's behavior - you know what he was doing? He was 9 months old and he was wailing. Want to know why? Because he was a baby and also because the cashier was clueless about how to do a transaction so it was taking a looooonggg time. She referred to my son as "your screaming kid" and was really judgmental about his behavior. People have all sorts of opinions about how a child should behave (in that case the manager was summoned, flowers were given to me, and I never saw her working there again).

    I completely agree that she has no say particularly because she's so bitter and hostile and doesn't want to be around this little girl in the first place. Worst person to interact with her. I agree she should exit this situation.
    Well, I was coming from the same perspective (I think?) that these behaviours may not be the child's fault. That's right, we don't know how she is being brought up. Or if she has any particular conditions or needs that may need to be addressed. But at the same time she may have a boisterous personality as well. I wasn't trying to say children are horrible. I actually enjoy spending time with my best friend's children but they are very hyperactive and tiring. That's because they're small kids and that's what kids do. Small children do throw tantrums about little things because they don't have the maturity to deal with them.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    Well, I was coming from the same perspective (I think?) that these behaviours may not be the child's fault. That's right, we don't know how she is being brought up. Or if she has any particular conditions or needs that may need to be addressed. But at the same time she may have a boisterous personality as well. I wasn't trying to say children are horrible. I actually enjoy spending time with my best friend's children but they are very hyperactive and tiring. That's because they're small kids and that's what kids do. Small children do throw tantrums about little things because they don't have the maturity to deal with them.
    Yes. I don't agree that we should presume it's the parents' fault or even that what she says about the discipline approaches is accurate. I don't think personalities or behaviors are set in stone. She is 7 years old so she's still young but not a toddler. My best guess is -this is a guess -she behaves beautifully with certain adults -like teachers- and maybe not with her parents who she probably has seen fight/disagree many many times in her young life. Or maybe she has certain special needs or allergies that are not being addressed. So hard to know. All we know is that the OP considers this little girl to be a monster, doesn't want to be around kids in general and yet has chosen to be seriously involved with a man who is a father to a young child. Kids with boisterous personalities can behave beautifully as long as beautiful isn't described as sitting still and quiet all the time.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    My personality was absolutely not set in stone at age 7. I was a quiet bookworm and I have been a social adult who has lots of friends and speaks a lot (probably too much lol).

    I agree...this relationship will not work.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    My personality was absolutely not set in stone at age 7. I was a quiet bookworm and I have been a social adult who has lots of friends and speaks a lot (probably too much lol).

    I agree...this relationship will not work.
    Same here - quiet bookworm who came out of her shell as a teenager -because of an awesome high school sweetheart who was a full of life extrovert and taught me how to dance -in the 80s.

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  6. #25
    Forum Supporter Fudgie's Avatar
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    Good grief, why would you date someone with a child if you don't like children? It seems like a no-brainer. Even a partner says "oh no it doesn't matter, you will barely see my child, blah blah", it's not true. Once the relationship gets more serious, yes, you will be expected to take more of a parental role and yes, that means sinking your money/time into said child. If you don't want that, don't date a person who has kids.

    Look OP, I get you. Most children grate on my nerves....the shrill voices, children's TV, the occasional (or depending on the child, constant) screaming, the grubby hands, just not for me, you know? My home is quiet and not child-proof. Hell, I'm sterilized now so I can't even have kids and trust me, that's a good thing. But I wouldn't dream of dating a man with kids. Quite frankly, I would rather stay single than date a man with kid(s).

    It's not fair to you, OP, or the kids. They deserve their dad dating someone who enjoys them and wants to help raise them. And if you don't want to raise kids, then you should absolutely not put yourself in positions where you're expected to take such a role eventually.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I don't agree with these generalizations about children or about finger pointing . We have so little information. We don't know if the child has special needs whether emotional, medical, etc (and she might not know, and perhaps more evaluation needs to be done but that's for her parents), this child is from a broken home, we don't know who the primary caregiver is -it might be the mother, it might be a nanny, it might be an grandparent-the child might be abused at her other home. We don't know.

    I don't believe personalities are "set" in the extreme way you put it. Way too many exceptions out there (including my husband, including me). We don't know at all if she's allowed to do whatever she wants -this is from a woman who is not the mother and who doesn't want to be around kids -that's her perception. I was once chastised in public by a cashier about my child's behavior - you know what he was doing? He was 9 months old and he was wailing. Want to know why? Because he was a baby and also because the cashier was clueless about how to do a transaction so it was taking a looooonggg time. She referred to my son as "your screaming kid" and was really judgmental about his behavior. People have all sorts of opinions about how a child should behave (in that case the manager was summoned, flowers were given to me, and I never saw her working there again).

    I completely agree that she has no say particularly because she's so bitter and hostile and doesn't want to be around this little girl in the first place. Worst person to interact with her. I agree she should exit this situation.
    I agree.

    Also, children act out when they are craving connection. The child talks about wanting the OP to be with her and her father and do something together. I can't help but think that if the OP gave the child her full attention for an hour (with boyfriend also present - them all doing an activity) the child would not act up as much and then leave them to go do your thing. I can spend time with my cousin and his child and treat the child in a present or caring way WITHOUT "raising " the child - its just treating them with basic human respect.

    What boggles my mind is that this is 4 years into the relationship. I could understand if they were newly dating -- up to this point she was not around the child but very rarely -- but now that the relationship is more comfortable or she moved in, the truth comes out --- there must be something else if it has taken 4 years to not like the child.

  8. #27
    Forum Supporter Fudgie's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    What boggles my mind is that this is 4 years into the relationship. I could understand if they were newly dating -- up to this point she was not around the child but very rarely -- but now that the relationship is more comfortable or she moved in, the truth comes out --- there must be something else if it has taken 4 years to not like the child.
    I'm thinking that OP either moved in with her partner or there was a change in the custody agreement that increased his time with her. Maybe every other weekend to 3 days/week?

    But I'm leaning more toward "moved in". If she was living apart, she could just make herself scarce during the 3 days he has his daughter but you can't really do that when you live together unless you locked yourself in the bedroom or something.

    Maybe the relationship would be salvageble if OP/boyfriend agreed that they would live apart for the forseeable future and she would just not take part in the daughter's life. Actually, that would be acceptable, as long as she understands that if emergencies come up with said child, he would need to go tend to her ASAP. Or let's say mom got sick and had to drop the daughter at his house off schedule, like on holidays.

    But I suspect that this is not what OP would want.

  9. #28
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    Tsmart, is it that you don't want to be around children or that you don't want to be around this child? Was the daughter always like this or is it more recent? I'm guessing you got along at one point, but her behavior has gotten worse and you reached a breaking point where you can't take it anymore? If she is truly being as bad as you say, then that is understandable. Your description of her reminds me of by cousin when we were both younger. Her mother didn't discipline her so she acted out and felt entitled to everything. Few people wanted to spend time with her. You are not the mother and should not be expected to act like one. It should really fall to the father to do something about his daughter.

    However, if you are going to be with this guy, then you are going to have to deal with the child as well and everything that comes with it. When you see someone with a child, it's a package deal. You can try to separate yourself and not spend time with the child, but that's only going to hurt the guy. In his mind, he loves you and his child so he will want you two to get along as well. It's natural for him to want to treat all of you as a family. If this is really making you miserable, then the best thing for all parties is to walk away. At the end of the day he has to be a father first and he's choosing to parent in a way that bothers you. You aren't happy with his decision and it will only cause issues between the two of you. If you aren't willing or able to work this out, then the relationship does more harm then good and you should end it and pursue someone without the extra baggage of a child to cause such friction.

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