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Thread: I love my relationship, and canít stand his daughter

  1. #11
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    People remember their own children as saints when they see other people's kids. I am sure your boys, especially with dad not around, had their fair share of bad behavior and you have forgotten because they turned out as upstanding citizens in the end. I sincerely hope you have no grandkids with this attitude...because surely you will blame your daughter in law if they aren't always perfectly behaved. I suspect the child isn't a hellion, maybe lacks some manners but could be just a typical, active, bouncey child too.

    Honestly, you knew he had a young child when you met. He didn't keep her a secret. I would have declined the third date if he had his daughter half the time or had a three year old period like he did when you met, but now that you live with him and are in it, would it kill you to go to lunch with the two of them every week. Make it something she looks forward to and set boundaries. She has to use her (reasonable for a child, not for a saint) manners or the visit with you is over. You don't have to parent the child to set boundaries on how someone treats you.

    I find it honest to say you don't want to raise another child, but find it disheartening to talk about her that she is a "little monster" - half of her is the man you love.

    This little girl is hurting! She might not even remember her mom and dad being together if you have been dating 4 years already - i presume she was very young when they split. She could be acting out because she is not secure. It seems like she wants your attention and you are unkind to her. There are ways to be kind as a human being without raising her.

  2. #12
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Tsmart
    Iíve been here with him for three years now and have tried to be a part of this when she comes which is every week for three days.

    I donít want kids in my life. At all. Ever again.

    I do not want to be there and have even been looking for my own place but feel that will probably end the relationship.
    Looking for your own place (and the possibility of the relationship ending) will be an absolute blessing in disguise for that poor child.

    You KNEW from the get-go that he had a child, yet you say you don't want kids in your life, ever again. A bit contradictory? Remember, YOU chose to be in this relationship. They are a package deal. That child is a part of him and she SHOULD come first in his life. If you don't like the package deal, pack your bags and leave.

  3. #13
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by HeartGoesOn
    After reading the above statement I wouldn't want you around my child, or any other child for that matter. I'm not sure why you even got involved with this guy while knowing he has a child, AKA a human being.
    ^ Worth repeating.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Oh boy..you're treading on thin ice calling his daughter a monster and continuously criticizing her.
    YOU are the adult. Are you not able to remove your reactions to her outbursts, stay in control and not allow it to upset you the way it is?

    If you want to be a part of this mans life, you can't and shouldn't be picking and choosing which parts you will be apart of and which parts you won't be apart of, namely his child.
    He loves his daughter, this is his child! That means that on some level, you need to accept her, be in both of their lives and try to be as decent about the whole thing as you can be.

    Yes, it's going to be hard, but no one said life is going to be easy, especially in relationships. But let's say for a moment that this was both of yours daughter. Then for sure you wouldn't be able to walk out whenever you please, so why should you now?
    It just doesn't make sense and to be honest, you're making yourself sound immature and selfish.

    He has a temperamental child. That's an issue, but you're the grown adult who says you love him and wants to be in a serious relationship with him. You should be learning how to cope with her and work it out for everyone included.

    What would your attitude be if she was autistic and had tantrums (because many autistics do), would you have the same attitude? What if she had cancer or other serious health issues and was taking a lot of her fathers time up and wasn't in good moods when she was home? What is she was mentally disabled in some way and difficult?

    You're telling me you would get mad, stomp your feet, and walk out on him then too?

    Come on, you're the adult here. It's not an easy situation, no, but surely you can make it work without becoming difficult too??

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I didnít create this little monster and donít feel I should spend my time dealing with the consequences of her.
    Don't talk about her like this. You have no right to. I will say it in front of everyone....you don't speak about children this way.

    She has temper tantrums, she has difficulties and yes, there is no doubt that the adults in her life created this. But she is an innocent child, she did not create herself.

    Either way, don't call people monsters.

  7. #16
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    I have no kids at all so can't speak from any experience. But to me it seems that there is actually nothing you can do about this situation except end this relationship. For one thing, I think if a child is not disciplined and is allowed to do whatever they want, it's the parents' fault. So it's your boyfriend's and/or his ex's fault that they're bringing their daughter up like this. But you can't really do anything about that because it's not your child so you don't get to raise her by your rules.

    Also personality is set at a very small age so likely this is this little girl's nature. She is not a quiet, timid girl, that's not who she is. Also let's be honest, small children can be naughty and loud. My best friend has two boys, a three and a five year old. They're naughty and exhausting! Seven is still quite small. You can't expect this girl to act like your children, who are in fact adults.

    If you don't want children in your life then you can't date someone with a child. She's always going to be in your boyfriend's life and that will never change.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    He comes with strings attached and baggage. This problem will not go away.

    The only way to have peace with yourself is not be in a relationship with him. Ending the relationship is inevitable. I'm sorry.

    Move out and find your own place. Then you will have peace and quiet and you will no longer have this stress. Be reasonable, practical and realistic.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Tsmart
    Well they arenít better for me! I donít want kids in my life. At all. Ever again.
    Then why the hell did you start dating a man with a kid?

    Come on, lady. You knew what you were signing up for, and that your expectation to be totally removed from her life was unrealistic. Own your poor decisions.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    I have no kids at all so can't speak from any experience. But to me it seems that there is actually nothing you can do about this situation except end this relationship. For one thing, I think if a child is not disciplined and is allowed to do whatever they want, it's the parents' fault. So it's your boyfriend's and/or his ex's fault that they're bringing their daughter up like this. But you can't really do anything about that because it's not your child so you don't get to raise her by your rules.

    Also personality is set at a very small age so likely this is this little girl's nature. She is not a quiet, timid girl, that's not who she is. Also let's be honest, small children can be naughty and loud. My best friend has two boys, a three and a five year old. They're naughty and exhausting! Seven is still quite small. You can't expect this girl to act like your children, who are in fact adults.

    If you don't want children in your life then you can't date someone with a child. She's always going to be in your boyfriend's life and that will never change.
    I don't agree with these generalizations about children or about finger pointing . We have so little information. We don't know if the child has special needs whether emotional, medical, etc (and she might not know, and perhaps more evaluation needs to be done but that's for her parents), this child is from a broken home, we don't know who the primary caregiver is -it might be the mother, it might be a nanny, it might be an grandparent-the child might be abused at her other home. We don't know.

    I don't believe personalities are "set" in the extreme way you put it. Way too many exceptions out there (including my husband, including me). We don't know at all if she's allowed to do whatever she wants -this is from a woman who is not the mother and who doesn't want to be around kids -that's her perception. I was once chastised in public by a cashier about my child's behavior - you know what he was doing? He was 9 months old and he was wailing. Want to know why? Because he was a baby and also because the cashier was clueless about how to do a transaction so it was taking a looooonggg time. She referred to my son as "your screaming kid" and was really judgmental about his behavior. People have all sorts of opinions about how a child should behave (in that case the manager was summoned, flowers were given to me, and I never saw her working there again).

    I completely agree that she has no say particularly because she's so bitter and hostile and doesn't want to be around this little girl in the first place. Worst person to interact with her. I agree she should exit this situation.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    One-and-done. OP never returned.
    Originally Posted by Batya33
    We have so little information.

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