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Thread: LDR possible breakup looming

  1. #1
    Gold Member Limiya's Avatar
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    LDR possible breakup looming

    Hi guys.
    I've been in a long distance relationship for about 9 months now.
    We've managed to stay extremely close all through the pandemic and lockdown so far. With him flying to me several times and me managing to fly to him a few times.
    Inbetween we have always been in regular daily contact. Always open and very affectionate with each other.

    He has always been blowing very hot since we met. He has always been consistent with contact and about his feelings.
    We have been slowly making plans for me to make the move to live with him most likely in the new year sometime.
    So far so good.

    I recently went to visit about 6 weeks ago for a couple of weeks. All seemed fine. No red flags I could see.
    He just started a new job with really long hours. Sometimes 15 hours straight. It should calm down soon but since he started and I came back home, our contact has suddenly dramatically decreased from several times per day to about once in the morning and maybe a goodnight.
    Any time we do get to speak, he is quiet, looks tired and very distant. Doesn't have much to say.
    Suddenly the plans of me moving there and him sorting paperwork has dropped off, and last week he mentioned he hated us being away from each other.
    I mentioned I have noticed he has been pulling away, but I assume it's from the work more than anything else.
    He said he has been feeling distant. We briefly acknowledged it but reaffirmed we love each other and we'll be together soon.

    Anyway, yesterday was his day off and he hung out with friends most of the afternoon and evening to relax. He deserves it. After he gets home quite late we have a nice facetime call.

    We chat a bit about our day and then I mention that I'm going to look at flights to come spend some time with him in a couple of weeks.
    He immediately pulls back slightly and says that he'll be working so much, that with the covid19 situation it might not be so safe and he just wants me to be safe.
    I sensed some hesitation so I asked what an I supposed to do if we miss each other, and yet I can't come and see him?
    He says he doesn't know.

    I tell him I can sense he's pulling away and it makes me nervous cause I can't do much from here and he is working so much.
    He agrees he is feeling distant from me. He thinks it's cause of the physical distance.
    I get upset cause I feel helpless to do anything.
    He doesn't like me getting upset and then tells me I should come there and spend some time with each other and see how it goes.

    He started talking about how he doesn't want us to have a family together and only stay together because of the kids like his parents did and his friends do. That if we don't work out that we should be friends and keep things civil.
    This scares me cause he's never once talked about us not working out. I get more upset and I think I reacted a bit overly emotional.
    I told him that I don't want this relationship at all if he feels so doubtful already. That we should just call it a day right here and now.
    He backtracked and says he's not breaking up just being honest with his current feelings.
    He tells me he loves me and it is probably just the distance.

    It was late so we decided to go to bed.
    I barely slept all night.
    This morning he texted me just a heart emoji. It took me 2hours to respond cause I was still so upset. I just said good morning.
    He calls me half an hour later. He sounds quiet and says he hardly slept all night, had an awful dream.
    That he was running late for work and quickly asked if I was workin and had breakfast. I said yes and told him I hadn't slept either. He said he knew.
    He then said 'I do love you ok?' I just said I don't know through tears and he said we'll catch up later.
    That was 10am this morning. It's now 7:30pm and I've heard nothing since. Not one thing.

    I'm sorry for the essay.
    The thing is, I'm sensing this coming to an end shortly. I don't know if I'm jumping the gun due to past experiences, or if I should treat this as a warning sign and jump ship?
    I don't want to go through a dragged out slow fade or slow breakup. But at the same time I need to feel like I'm doing the best things I can do right now to see if it can be salvaged.

    I haven't been blowing up his phone at all. I haven't made any contact so as not to overwhelm or push him away.
    I am trying to let my tears and emotions out during this time I don't hear anything so I can try and keep a calm head when we eventually do speak.

    I have written a list if questions or things I should bring up when we discuss this again.
    But not sure if I should.

    Do I step back and give him space to see how he feels? So he can take time to figure out how he wants to proceed?
    Or should I make a big effort of keeping up contact and reminders of my feelings and try to keep me on his mind?
    I've never had a long distance relationship like this or a long distance breakup and not sure if I should behave differently during this stage?

    Any advice would be appreciated.
    Thank you.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    He's pulling away and doing a slow fade. Trust your instincts. Hold off any moving plans and figure out a plan B for your stay. Rest 90% of your energies on staying put. I don't think it's wise to move.

    You can't be sure of the reasons why he's getting cold feet but his alluding to distance, mixed messages, out spending time with friends quite a lot and being emotionally distant all suggest to me that he's in the company of other women or female friends. There's nothing you can do about it nor should you. He's entitled to spend his time how he wants but count this as a blessing and don't go anywhere.

    Slow things down. You're doing the right thing reserving your thoughts to yourself and thinking things through. Even if he were to do any about-face and say he's sorry, I still would not move for this person. Not for a very long time until things are much more stable.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It sounds like it's going a little too fast talking about moving there/paperwork, having kids, etc. Slow down a bit, it's 9 mos. and a handful of visits. LDRs are very hard so don't be too tough on yourself.

  4. #4
    Gold Member Limiya's Avatar
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    Thank you both for such a swift reply.
    I know it's been very fast paced and he initiated most of it and seemed 100% all the way through. Was very convincing that I didn't doubt his intentions at all. Which is why this sudden change once he started his new job just threw me for a loop.

    And yes you are confirming what I'm feeling, that it's a slow fade of some sort.
    I'm not sure of any cheating or other women yet, but it did cross my mind.

    I'm just not sure what to do right now or how to handle myself in this situation when we speak next.
    Any pointers?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It depends on what you are prepared to do and depending on how dire or urgent your current circumstances. Are you in a position now in your place/country of residence where you have to leave? I would weigh the risks and consequences heavily on here versus there and make a choice that's best for myself in terms of opportunities for growth, job/career and stability. I wouldn't make the sole purpose of moving about this person. There would have to be far more reason for me to move than for a single individual I've had ties to for 9 months.

    You can be tactful if you wish and remain neutral or calm about it. You've already voiced your concerns so repeating yourself is sounding like a broken record. If he doesn't want to level with you or be completely honest, that's up to him.

  7. #6
    Gold Member Limiya's Avatar
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    No. I can stay in my home country no problem. I was only moving there cause financially it made more sense if we were to be together. He has a better job than me.
    I won't be going there now I know he is having doubts

    Thank you. I just like to know I've done what I can to be open and try and show that I wanted to help if it was a genuine blip and he needed support or something, or if it's a serious breakup worthy behaviour I need to manage extremely carefully.
    I'm angry with myself for getting emotional, but it came out the blue and knocked the breath out of me.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    It probably the hardest thing you'll have to do when all you want are answers, but waiting this out is all you can do.
    If you reread your list of questions about what do now, it's really more of a how to control of mitigate the situation. Unfortunately you only have control of your part. Stay calm, shore up some support and take the high road.
    You will regret any sort of preemptive strike so early on. Give him some space and you will have your answer soon enough.
    I do agree with the idea that if he's not already doing some sort of slow fade, he seems to be having second thoughts. People have second thoughts all the time. Don't sabotage it quite yet.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    He's working 15 hour shifts so let things be for now. Try not to push anything. Eventually you can make a decision once you're feeling a bit better about whether you want to continue the relationship or move later down the line. Don't bite off more than you can chew.. it is moving very fast.

    My previous partner worked very long hours also. There's little time to process. I have some empathy for him but I'm also wondering about you and where that leaves you.

    What are your thoughts in general about his overall perspective on life and future goals? Where do you see yourself given his limited time due to his work hours, for example?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I think that just 9 months in and long distance, planning on moving in together is incredibly premature. You barely know each other, so much so, that you don't even know what to make of his behavior right now. My guess is that he realized that and got cold feet, but is not telling you that quite so bluntly.

    You do need to talk and this is one of those moments in a relationship where you are starting to learn the heavy duty stuff - real communication skills when things are not rosy, real problem solving skills or lack off, etc. Also, how he handles stress, life problems, important decisions, etc.

  11. #10
    Gold Member Limiya's Avatar
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    Thanks all. Lots to respond to.
    @rosemosse
    He has a side business he wants to build up. With his current job it's a new place that's opening so these long shifts are because he's trying to get many things done before opening. He's hoping in a few weeks it will settle down into more manageable hours. If not, he said he won't be able to sustain working there.
    We both have the same goals in life and wants and that's how we bonded so well. We have always been on the same page on everything.

    @dancingfool
    Yes it was very fast and now there is stress, I'm not sure if this is a typical way of him dealing with it. By pulling away or if this is just him having 2nd thoughts about us. We never are the shouting or arguing type and so far we have always calmly discussed anything that crops up.
    This is the 1st time I've seen him shut off.

    I don't really know what to do with this yet but be open and gentle to him and try to be sympathetic to his needs. I am sure I'll find out soon enough if he decides it's over or doesn't want to see me anymore.
    I just don't want to make any mistakes that will be detrimental to the outcome in the meantime.

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