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Thread: How to choose between two women? story of a polyamorous relationships..escalated

  1. #1

    How to choose between two women? story of a polyamorous relationships..escalated

    Hi All

    Here is me, Male, in my thirties In a Polyamorous difficult situation.

    I have a girlfriend for about 5 years (will call her A for simplicity).
    We had kind of a break 3 years ago.. and I met another girl (lets call her B)

    With B I basically fell in love but at the same time also went back to make peace with A

    For about a year I basically dated both of them.. until B got pregnant.
    Now I have a 1 year old child too.

    A knows everything about it.. and she accepted it.. and also accepted the child (but will never accept the mother) but she wants to get married now (after 5 years relationship) and also to make her permanence with me more valid, starting a family with me too.

    Even if B has been with me for shorter time.. I cannot stop thinking about her either.
    I am 100% sure I love them both, but both of them want exclusivity.

    B will find probably find another partner if I dont commit properly to her and stop treating her as hidden lover - obviously she cannot cut me entirely as Im still the father of the child

    A will probably leave me and cut all connections with me if I do not get married to her.. soon

    This is the most difficult decision I have been facing.. for long time now.
    Both women have their positive qualities, they are very different but they are both amazing.
    A is with me for long time (5 years); B has already an healthy and strong child with me..

    A is the mother type; always supported me and looked after me. Been pretty much only with me in her life.
    B (slightly older than A but not really relevant) is the partner type; always had extreme fun together and doing everything with much more passion. She had been a playgirl in the past but she stopped it when she met me. She left everything to continue the pregnancy, and she gave up pretty much everything for our child (she had a great job that she had to leave)

    I have been trying to keep them both for another year now.. but I started realizing that doing this is making both of them suffer. I always find either one crying and I feel selfish to continue to do so.

    Obviously my dream would be to keep them both, and live happily ever after all together; having children with both of them.. but I guess this can only be a dream.

    Is there any hope I could try to convince them to accept each other?
    or how do I choose between them?

    This situation is draining my energies lately and even when I lean towards one of them.. eventually I pull back to the other..

  2. #2
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    Originally Posted by polyamorous
    Is there any hope I could try to convince them to accept each other?
    or how do I choose between them?
    Nope. Not a chance.

    This isn't polyamory. It's a man dating two women, neither of whom is truly okay with him dating the other. Two very different ballgames. It sounds to me like you love some qualities about each of them, but that don't love either one of them as a whole. You seem to be looking to one to compensate for the other's perceived shortcomings. You want bits and pieces of them, but you haven't yet met your mate for life.

    Honestly, you probably need to be single for a while. You're not in a place to commit to either one of them wholly and completely, because neither is really what you are looking for. You're only partly compatible with either of these women, and it will leave you frustrated and resentful if you choose one and only later realize you're not happy with her.

  3. #3
    Gold Member Spawn's Avatar
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    Its messed up for all involved i feel for the kid.
    Have you thought about the kid. Will the kid feel proud of you?
    Think about the consequences of your choices in life.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I've heard the saying before that always choose the second one, because if you were happy with the first one, you wouldn't have gone to the second one.

    Though in my opinion (and I apologize for being blunt) but it sounds like you don't deserve either one of these women as you are irresponsible and care more about your own feelings than who you hurt.
    You are also a cheater and have little to no loyalty.

    Before you commit to anyone, maybe consider becoming a better man who is 100% loyal, does not have a wandering eye and will stay completely committed to one woman and one woman, only. You need a lot of growing up yet to do.

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  6. #5
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    You seem to not understand the definition of polyamory.
    A simple google search should clear up the fact that you are not in a polyamorous relationship but instead you are simply a man cheating on a partner.
    But which one is the mistress?

    Do you live with either A or B?
    Or have you always been non committal to both?

    What will eventually happen is that neither will want to be with you.
    Im not sure why they havent come to this conclusion yet but Im guessing because they are fed sweet talk and lies essentially.

    You are being extremely selfish , only thinking of yourself , not caring about these women or your child.

    End both relationships and try concentrate on being a good father instead.

    Because at the moment you are failing at being a partner and father figure.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Cynder's Avatar
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    Do they both know you are still involved with the other one romantically? In you post you said A knowd everything. But does she know you are still with B as well as her? I hope my question makes sense.

  8. #7
    Originally Posted by Billie28
    You seem to not understand the definition of polyamory.
    A simple google search should clear up the fact that you are not in a polyamorous relationship but instead you are simply a man cheating on a partner.
    But which one is the mistress?

    Do you live with either A or B?
    Or have you always been non committal to both?

    What will eventually happen is that neither will want to be with you.
    Im not sure why they havent come to this conclusion yet but Im guessing because they are fed sweet talk and lies essentially.

    You are being extremely selfish , only thinking of yourself , not caring about these women or your child.

    End both relationships and try concentrate on being a good father instead.

    Because at the moment you are failing at being a partner and father figure.
    Thanks for the reply

    I have been living pretty much with both of them intermittently; but I never committed 100% to either one this is true.

    If i was outside the situation I would suggest to myself to be with "B" as that would make my relationship with the kid better and will make things easier and better for the kid also.

    I am not feeding them lies actually; I've been essentially very open with both of them
    I am not caring only about myself but I care each time how all three of them would feel about my actions.

    I really just do not know how "A" will handle the pain if I decide to end with her, and with "B"... Probably she will manage it and will be fine if I end with her but I just do not want to lose her..

  9. #8
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Yes, but who will feel no pain in all of this or be all alone depending on who you choose? Yeah, there you have it. And you think that's okay to do?

    Get involved with ONE woman at a time. Don't go back and forth like that. You hurt people and it's not right.

    Both woman should leave you.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sounds like you are just bouncing back and forth between two women. That's not " polyamorous", it's cheating dressed up as a cool thing.

    Decide what you want. You'll still have to pay child support .

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Providing your child with a stable family environment should be your number one priority. It's that simple. Stop wasting even more of A's time already.

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