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Thread: Against all odds. will appreciate your advice.

  1. #1
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    Against all odds. will appreciate your advice.

    I'm a 45 y.o man, divorced + 2 (school age) in a 3+ years relationship with a 35 y.o single woman.
    I'm a self-employed businessman who relocated with her this year to London, in the hope of building a good life for us.
    Met my Partner in her city in Eastern Europe, where I worked and lived for a few years.
    My Daughters live with my Ex in another country, but my connection with my D is strong and I used to fly to them every month (before Covid) and video calls 3-4 times a week.

    My partner cannot stand my "realities" as she calls it. She generally does not like children, although claiming to want to have her own "one day". My Daughters though adore her. In the little she sees them, she plays very nicely.

    She's an Introvert. extremely. She does not like or trust people and has very few friends.
    A romantic relationship is everything in her mind and she wants her man to be 100% focused on her.
    Obviously, I hardly fit that profile.

    So why are we together still? In several ways we fit very well and there's an energetic connection between us. I love her and I feel that she loves me.

    Nevertheless, our relationship is getting harder. Her very low self esteem and personality make it harder for her to adopt and built herself in this new country.
    Her sense of instability is greater due to my expenses, a man paying alimonies + double rent, flights, rented cars, etc.

    She's terrified about a future together, about "her place", but she does not want to breakup and leave.

    Would very much appreciate any advice and please, feel free to be blunt.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    I'm not sure I know what she means about 'her place.' Is she financially dependent on you? And your 'realities' existed when she met you. She knew you had children and yet she engaged in a relationship with you.

    How is she not adopting and building herself in your new country?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    It sounds like she is not getting what she wants out of this relationship, but wants to give you a chance to help remedy it.

    What do you want to do?

    Whether she is introverted, makes friends, adapts, etc. is really neither here nor there. She has the right to be who she is. If you don't like it, then go. It's not your problem. You're not her father.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    She seems disappointed and homesick since the move. Does she have a job there? How is her language/cultural skills?

    It sounds like she may have been expecting her own family...her own husband, her own kids etc., rather than being on the periphery of your family, your ex your kids, your expenses, etc..

    Perhaps she should visit home and decide if she wants to come back? Not much you can do about her unhappiness and disappointment with the move.

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  6. #5
    Bronze Member maritalbliss86's Avatar
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    Eastern European women LOL I'm part Polish so I think I may get it....

    She has to understand that your kids are important to you. If she can't come to accept that, be content with it, and learn to be a happy person with those fact, then honestly, you don't want her in your life longterm.

    You need to be really upfront with her about this, like show her the door type of upfront. She knew about your kids before getting romantic with you, so holding on to that like it's some awful thing in her life is not appropriate. She's acting selfish if she's using it as a way to manipulate you.

    Does she have any skills or education where she can find work in London that makes her happy or fulfilled, or is she planning on having kids and being a stay at home mom? Her saying, "someday," doesn't sound like it's important to her right now at all, so just wondering if she's at least working on some kind of job or something to keep her busy and not bored.

  7. #6
    Bronze Member maritalbliss86's Avatar
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    "Her sense of instability is greater due to my expenses, a man paying alimonies + double rent, flights, rented cars, etc.

    She's terrified about a future together, about "her place", but she does not want to breakup and leave."

    You know when I re-read this part, it just sounds sad, but I think she really wants a man who doesn't already have all that baggage.

    And you don't want a woman who will grow resentful and bitter about you having to pay alimony and double rent etc. You need someone who will understand that and not hold it against you forever. I think she's just too scared to breakup and prolonging it

    I'm so sorry!

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    No matter what the pros are, if you are regularly upset in a relationship, it means it's not the right one for you. If her world revolves solely around you, then it would be shocking if you don't feel smothered. If she regularly whines about you spending money and time on your children, then that's of course stressful for you because you're with someone who doesn't support that part of your life.

    What would I do in your shoes? I'd say: Criticizing how I spend my money and time on my children is stressing me out and it's not going to change, so I'd like those discussions to end.

    I'd also say: I can't be focused on you 100 percent of the time. You will have to find some other outlets like a hobby or more friends or volunteer work or continuing education to meet your needs when I'm not available.

    If she can't come through for you, you're settling. If she wanted someone who could give her everything she's demanding, she should have chosen a man who could give it to her. Don't be a doormat and let yourself be punished when you're not doing anything wrong.

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    @SarahLancaster -

    She new my situation from the first 5 minutes she met me. She said she never wanted such, but she liked me and one day became a week, a month, a year...
    Mentality wise, this move here, which I hoped will be exciting for her, that we can have a future in such a country, turned out to be somethings which she does not connect to in most of the things here.
    I do not blame her, at all. it is indeed very different here than anything she was sued to. Not everybody likes England.
    I did not come here because I like it more than any other place. It just made sense from business to me and opportunities (so I hoped) for both of us.

  10. #9
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    I honestly would up and leave because life is to short to be unhappy. I think you two are not compatible in many ways. Her life experiences and goals donít align with yours.

  11. #10
    Bronze Member maritalbliss86's Avatar
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    Just to be clear... is she complaining about your realities?

    Complaining is a form of manipulation that makes everyone in the relationship miserable... I don't like it.

    To me, whenever someone is constantly making something into an issue (especially over something you can't change like having kids, paying alimony etc.) by relentlessly complaining about it, only they can decide to stop and accept the situation. But you also need to decide if you want to live with a woman who will constantly make, "your realities," an issue she doesn't like and complains about. It is NOT fun to live with a chronic complainer.

    And the bad thing about complaining is that if she can't come to contentment over it, she'll only grow bitter and resentful with time (leading to more complaining and relationship problems).

    So you're both at a cross roads due to her attitude problem. She needs to be honest with herself if she can really accept you as you are, baggage and all.

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