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Thread: Against all odds. will appreciate your advice.

  1. #51
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    Originally Posted by ILS
    I'm a 45 y.o man, divorced + 2 (school age) in a 3+ years relationship with a 35 y.o single woman.
    I'm a self-employed businessman who relocated with her this year to London, in the hope of building a good life for us.
    Met my Partner in her city in Eastern Europe, where I worked and lived for a few years.
    My Daughters live with my Ex in another country, but my connection with my D is strong and I used to fly to them every month (before Covid) and video calls 3-4 times a week.

    My partner cannot stand my "realities" as she calls it. She generally does not like children, although claiming to want to have her own "one day". My Daughters though adore her. In the little she sees them, she plays very nicely.

    She's an Introvert. extremely. She does not like or trust people and has very few friends.
    A romantic relationship is everything in her mind and she wants her man to be 100% focused on her.
    Obviously, I hardly fit that profile.

    So why are we together still? In several ways we fit very well and there's an energetic connection between us. I love her and I feel that she loves me.

    Nevertheless, our relationship is getting harder. Her very low self esteem and personality make it harder for her to adopt and built herself in this new country.
    Her sense of instability is greater due to my expenses, a man paying alimonies + double rent, flights, rented cars, etc.

    She's terrified about a future together, about "her place", but she does not want to breakup and leave.

    Would very much appreciate any advice and please, feel free to be blunt.
    Dear All.

    Your advices are overwhelming. I did not expect. THANK YOU 🙏
    I also want you to know, that I told my GF about writing. She has done so for the past 3 years with women in her country, and I felt I needs also such advice from people who do not know us.
    I will try to add more details, also to try to balance more also how I think she see's things.

    Our struggles were almost from the beginning, in the 3 years in her country. they did not start when we relocated, though obviously this made things more foreign to her, thus frightening.

    Putting my age aside, I am also somewhat introvert and whether my long hours (working on several businesses, not one) could sound as an excuse, I feel I am in a race.
    A race to make enough so I will not be dependant on a salary and and just live from my investments. My GF is terrified that one day I can lose employment and then how will I afford supporting both families?
    My relationship with my Ex is good. maybe too good some will say. Much respect between us and she used to write me a lot (not at all about us though but a lot about our children and decisions) but it was almost on a daily basis so I asked her to reduce and she has.

    About the relocation: Englnad is not my country. It is new for both of us. BACKGROUND: In Eastern Europe I was on a specific job but never found it to be a place where I wish to live and raise a family. Culture, language, much poverty and very corrupted. this was difficult for me. But more to the point, once this job would have been finished, I would have found myself in a bad starting point. Foreigner without culture and language, in a country with very low average income, na dI have "my baggages" as you call it.
    So I asked myself, where do I have better earning opportunities, maybe better life, better to start a second family and raise children, and where my GF can communicate and will also get treated nicely and my find her own opportunities? I would add that I wanted it not to be too far from my country (that my GF does not want to live in and I knew it from the beginning), so that it would be more reasonable (time and cost wise) to visit my children and have them come here. So, this ruled out all American and Asian countries.
    As I am a European citizen, London seemed to fit most. Also, my current projects are in a group that is highly active in London so they were also ok with us moving here.
    I hoped that here, she can feel safer (she does not feel so in her country and does not believe herself there to be a good place to raise children), that she will hopefully find a more rewarding life to her qualities.

    You should understand, I think my GF is one of the most beautiful person I met (not just looks, the lust part). She is so warm under a though shell, most honest I met, most generous and loving hearted person that I know.
    She tries very much to take care of me. She cuts on herself too much on expenses and I fight with her about it because a woman should not limit herself like that, but she says "I feel I am taking from your children".
    I think I can be insensitive sometimes and she is hyper sensitive person on the other, so this makes it hard. the differences in native languages between us also does not help such confrontations.
    I am not exactly prince charming myself. I am much too serious, workaholic, Not handsome and can be insensitive at times. my heaviness is something no woman likes around her.
    I used to have outdoor hobbies but them being mainly individualistic in nature, I gave up no them many years ago and remained only focused on the financial future.
    Boring.
    My heaviness spiked since my daughters were born. Then (and probably this as well was a big factor) my first marriage was not great and both of us where not happy.
    The divorce killed a part in my heart. I don't know how else to describe it. and then when I met my GF and current love I have, I feel I carry a lot of expectations on myself (mostly my own) and this is also difficult for me.

    So some words I said in the past, sometimes with no tact or of anger, have seem to have 'left their scars' as she claims.
    after about a year+ together she one day asked me what I was afraid of about her, and to my stupidity or not, I was 100% honest and said exactly that.
    As my mother has left me when I was a very small child and my father raised me alone (I never resented her for it and we are close today) . I saw resemblance in some way in character between my mother and my GF, which I have not seen in past relationships or my Ex wife. So, I admitted I was afraid she might leave as well if things become too difficult with a child. Later in the relationship I told her I was WRONG and insensitive and that they way I got to know her, I do not believe she will ever do something like that. But she said it will never get out of her head.
    She said it then, 2 years ago, that this is part of the reason she does not want to bring children with me since. I told her that she should have children in her life even if it means leaving me, because this is a mistake she may regret if she will give up on having children.

    Several times I told her that I just want her to be happy and maybe the only way is not with me and she should start fresh with another man, but she stayed. until today anyway.
    You may think I don't love her enough if I'm willing to let her go. But I don't see life this way.
    That's probably why I'm "too serious" since I was a teenager. Later in life I was literally responsible for hundreds of lives as a commander for 10 years, and 2 wars do not help you to become a "lighter" person.
    Loving someone in my view is wanting what's best for him/her, even if it's not what you would have wanted for yourself.

  2. #52
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It sounds like you both attempted to make the best of this.

    She made a mistake moving to a foreign country, giving up her profession, friends, family, everything familiar to be with you. And for being a live-in gf?

    Help her get back home to her own people, friends, family, culture and language, if she needs that. But don't try to convince to stay.
    Thank you. I do talk to her that she should. I do not want her to waste her life on me. She deserves a clean break. I did think/hoped it could work.

    As she is not an EU citizen, It was important for me to open up opportunities for her, regardless of being with me or not.
    She now has her 5 years residency here under the Pre-settled status because of my citizenship. But she should get a right to live where she wants, with or without me. If she stays, I want her to have higher English courses so she could find whatever she wants to do here, if she wants.
    She can stay at home and not work if she wants. I strive to afford such life for us.
    Last edited by ILS; 10-26-2020 at 11:18 AM.

  3. #53
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    Originally Posted by East4
    Eastern European here, lived a very similar scenario, just that we were married and with a child. I had to sacrifice all my social circle, family and friends, promising carrier, sunny weather and move to a western country that I didn't speak the language of, with rainy and cold weather and even colder people (especially when you do not speak their language) to live in a sh*ty small apartment with my ex-husband and our young son. And all that because my ex-husband had decided to explore a business opportunity in the West.

    I felt like a tree that has been forcefully uprooted from its soil and just hanging in the air. I remember feeling really humiliated not being even able to explain to a hairdresser how I want to have my hair done; or sitting in a caffee and not being able to order tea for me and a orange juice for my son. And everybody looking at us and laughing-"oh those foreigners".

    So, for those who judge OP's gf-do not be so quick to judge, unless you have experienced it first hand.

    The worst was that as I had nobody to turn to, of course I bacame needy with my husband and was crying to him about how lonely and depressed I was feeeling. Our son was constantly sick too, because he was not used to the cold and rain. The same like OP is doing and because my ex-husband was happy for himself how things were going in his business, he would simply refuse to listen, or tell me to go get a life and enjoy the opportunity to live in the West. As if I had asked for this.

    Well, it didn't end up well for us. I wish OP and his girldfriend to find a way to stay together.

    If I may give a piece of advice-always listen to her and take her complaints seriously. Do not rush like typical man to fix things in a practical way by finding therapists, counselours and so on. Do not be a fixer. Stop acting with external actions, just sit quietly with her, and listen to her, show that you understand what she is going through and show her that you appreciate her sacrifice, because she DOES make a sacrifice for you. When a woman is upset and resentful, she needs to be heard and understood by her man, not to be rushed to a threpaist who does nor even speak her language, or understands her culture. Do not become defensive and try to turn the tables on her, as if it is her own fault that she feels lonely and not welcome in a foreign country.

    And a second piece of advice-be absolutely certain to not father a child with your girlfriend until you find resolution. This would be one very unhappy child brought in such unstable situation. Very bad idea as well to move countries during covid period, where social contacts are brought to the minimum, cafes, restaurants, cultural activites and other outlets are closed down.
    Thank you 🙏 for sharing your painful story as well.
    This actually sounds very much like my first marriage ...
    We relocated and I did the mistakes (all of them) you described above.
    That's were the relationship got much distant and I did not see the signs.
    The rest is history. but I can say that anyway in retrospect, Mme and my Ex were not very close and too different.
    I do not regret, she's an amazing mother to our children and we have very good relationship for divorced couple, but she was not "the one" and nor was I for her.
    She's happier with her current BF already 4 years and I also ok him in a way and happy that she found what's good for her.

    I am trying to learn from all of it. really trying not to make the same mistakes and I feel my GF is more "my person" and I am hers than was with my Ex.
    That it why it is so hard to let go.

  4. #54
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Why not write the above post to begin with? If you do not give us all the information, then our replies aren't genuine for the actual situation being as you missed out a lot of information.

    I don't understand why you would do that?

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  6. #55
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Why not write the above post to begin with? If you do not give us all the information, then our replies aren't genuine for the actual situation being as you missed out a lot of information.

    I don't understand why you would do that?
    Because I am new to this, never expressed myself in forums on relationships and frankly did not expect that anyone will care to read my long story.
    So, I tried to put as short as I could the main situation we 're in.
    For sure, there's more. 3+ years there's more to write about.
    I hope that I now managed to better balance my story because I did not mean to present that all is great about me and she's to blame. I am not here to gain "points" for myself.
    We are both carrying this "against the odds" and was looking to learn from others as well.
    Last edited by ILS; 10-26-2020 at 12:30 PM.

  7. #56
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Is it possible you're overanalying and worrying too much? She wants to be with you and you keep pushing her away. Why don't just you just believe her instead of second guessing her. Is she acting out or cranky or unsupportive or upset with you all the time?

  8. #57
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Is it possible you're overanalying and worrying too much? She wants to be with you and you keep pushing her away. Why don't just you just believe her instead of second guessing her. Is she acting out or cranky or unsupportive or upset with you all the time?
    I'm afraid not. Overanalysing is definitely the part that she brings. Generally, if it wouldn't have made her so worried, I would say it is helpful to have it in our situation.
    there's a lot at stake and time is not playing to our favour.
    I think she is brilliant in how she charts out almost all that can get wrong, but on the other hand, we all know you cannot expect to control life even by trying to plan everything.

  9. #58
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ILS
    I'm afraid not. Overanalysing is definitely the part that she brings. Generally, if it wouldn't have made her so worried, I would say it is helpful to have it in our situation.
    there's a lot at stake and time is not playing to our favour.
    I think she is brilliant in how she charts out almost all that can get wrong, but on the other hand, we all know you cannot expect to control life even by trying to plan everything.
    Could you be more succinct about what the problem actually is? I feel like this is going around in circles. I don't see any problem at all. She wants to be with you. If she's scared about you and your employment or where your money is going, she can start building her own nest egg and stop complaining. All I'm hearing is a lot of talk between the both of you and not a lot of doing. She can fix her worries and issues but she won't. I think this is a lot easier than what it's made out to be.

    If you are so unhappy, end it. You've been in one unhappy relationship or marriage already.

    If you love each other, make it work and don't internalize the bumps along the way. Take things in stride and don't get lost in all the smoke. It's just smoke and you're both nitpicking at each other.

  10. #59
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Is she happy staying in England or she she want to move back?
    Originally Posted by ILS
    I'm afraid not. Overanalysing is definitely the part that she brings. Generally, if it wouldn't have made her so worried, I would say it is helpful to have it in our situation.
    there's a lot at stake and time is not playing to our favour.
    I think she is brilliant in how she charts out almost all that can get wrong, but on the other hand, we all know you cannot expect to control life even by trying to plan everything.

  11. #60
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Is she happy staying in England or she she want to move back?
    Covid does not help but it is getting a bit better. This part I do believe will get easier for her with time.
    She does sees the Pros and Cons.

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