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Thread: vicious circle of anxiety and trust being broken

  1. #1

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    vicious circle of anxiety and trust being broken

    I cant stop obssesing about my partner staying in touch with an old lover. He has been secretive about it and I've snooped his phone. He knows. I feel bad about it too but proves my fears. I wake up anxious at night. Is our relationship ruined? We have been seeing eachother for more than 2 years, we had a miscarriage right at the beginning of the relationship, the pregnancy was unplanned.. ive gotten over it and we have understood we shouldn't put ourselves in that scenario if things are so shaky. He's fantasized about having 2 partners and even though I thought i could deal with at the beginning, I realized im emotionally uncapable. I told him I couldnt and wouldnt do it.

    I have too many insecurity issues and I distrust my partner. He's stayed with other people in touch he was involved and says he doesn't want to be told what to do. But that he wouldn't cheat on me. He says he's not fully happy about us. Ive become quite controlling and passive aggressive and I dislike myself for it. Im trying to work on it. We've said we would try it over and over again but the fact is, i don't trust him. I have never trusted anyone in my life before as I have been hurt many times already.

    Weve been meditating together and say we will be sincere to each other. I want to set my boundaries and Im trying but I feel like it may be too late. We've gotten to the point in which he's supposed to move to another country with me and I believe he might end up cheating me with someone who lives there from his past. I've been seeing psychologists, Ive been meditating, trying to set myself goals and always end up in a rabbit hole of self pity and anxiety about him not respecting our relationship and setting boundaries with other women. I know all the theoretical stuff about how I should be behaving..., ask myself what kind of relationship do I want and try to work towards that but sometimes it feel like its not enough. Sometimes I feel like Ive compromised too much and weve lost respect of eachother. How do you change something like that? Were both in our late 20s beginning 30s and he wouldnt want to see a therapist together. He doesnt want it.

    I feel that if we dont figure out our stuff itll just keep on happening in other relationships... am I lying to myself? Also, I know snooping isnt cool, but why is there distrust? its a reaction. Also at the same time I wouldnt have a problem with him going through my stuff because I simply have nothing to hide. I feel like I wanna have that kind of closeness. He absolutely KNOWS I wouldnt do that, in a way I feel that might be the problem. I even moved countries for him and I just feel like in a way I dont even know if he will actually move countries for ME next year.

    I just have so much distrust. I guess I just need some perspective. Im supposed to leave for 1 or 2 months back to my home country for a while. Very uneasy about what thatll mean... how to let go and just let things unfold without feeling like Im forcing so much?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    He's got to go. It doesn't sound like a relationship based on mutual respect and your gut instincts are hollering at you, even screaming out. Trust is the foundation for any relationship. I do think you are lying to yourself trying to make this work.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You need to split up with this guy. You clearly have zero trust in him and trust is the basis of any relationship worth having.

    If he won't go for therapy, go without him as you really need to get to the bottom of your trust issues or you are doomed to live your life like this, not trusting anyone, ever.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by Criss
    ... am I lying to myself?
    Yes, very much so.

    All the meditating and therapy in the world isn't going to make any difference when you're with the wrong guy. The reason you're so anxious and unhappy is because you're hanging on to someone you should have let go the moment he told you he wanted 2 partners. Instead, you've twisted into knots trying to make yourself accept this poor relationship and ignore your instincts which are screaming at you to get out of this.

    So instead of asking yourself how to trust him and shove this square peg into a round hole, ask yourself why your self-respect is so low that you have such a hard time letting go of a guy who is no good for you.

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  6. #5
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    He has told you what his boundaries are and that is pretty wide including keeping in touch with exes.
    So I donít think he will conform to yours which are a lot narrower.

    The problem with laying down boundaries too late in a relationship is simply that itís too late.

    He probably wouldnít ever physically cheat on you as he says , but what he is doing in your mind is emotionally cheating on you and thatís what you canít handle.
    He might or might not be emotionally cheating and simply keeping a very platonic relationship with these women. In his mind that is ok.

    Some partners are ok with that and go on to live very happy relationships.
    But you are not one of them. You need more than what he is willing to give but on the flip side he also wants you to give more than you are willing to.

    Itís basic incompatibility. You want him to be someone he is not and vice versa.

    Your boundaries donít align and never will.
    If that was to happen it would have by now.

    Time to part ways.
    You likely knew this 6 months in but held on to a glimmer of hope that he would suddenly be the person you want and need him to be.

    He possibly has a few narcissistic traits but he is who he is.

    Sorry!!

  7. #6
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    I canít understand why you are with this guy!

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You could save yourself thousands of dollars in therapy if you ended this situation.

    Get to a doctor for an evaluation of the anxiety and depression. However, you'll need to get rid of damaging factors, like this relationship.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Criss
    I want to set my boundaries and Im trying but I feel like it may be too late.
    If you actually set your boundaries, you're gonna lose him. Plain and simple. So.... set your boundaries as soon as humanly possible!!! For the love of god, save yourself!! You're dating a parasite. This is terrible.

    I'm always fascinated by how much people (yourself included) blame themselves for other people's bad behavior. Like somehow you're the defective one, and not them:

    Originally Posted by Criss
    I cant stop obssesing
    I realized im emotionally uncapable
    I have too many insecurity issues
    I've been seeing psychologists, Ive been meditating, trying to set myself goals and always end up in a rabbit hole of self pity and anxiety
    I just have so much distrust.
    Im forcing so much
    In a way, you are making yourself crazy by committing to somebody like him. But you aren't defective for feeling this way. ANYONE who is in your situation would be feeling this way!

    In fact, I think many people would simply leave. I would certainly leave. But you are not leaving. Why aren't you leaving?

    And why are you going to therapy? He's the one with the accountability issue. You can't treat yourself and expect him to stop lying. That makes no sense.

    Originally Posted by Criss
    Sometimes I feel like Ive compromised too much and weve lost respect of eachother.
    I would argue that you never respected each other. He openly defies you, and you set standards and expect him to fail (which he does).

    YOUR big problem is simply that you are staying in this relationship. You don't need to find out the root cause of why you are staying; you just need to stop staying. Break up. Be done.

    Look at what this relationship is doing to you. You have to stop lying to yourself about what is really going on and leave:

    Originally Posted by Criss
    I've snooped his phone
    I feel bad about it
    I wake up anxious at night
    Ive become quite controlling and passive aggressive and I dislike myself
    You can philosophize over the root cause later, when your feet are out of the fire.
    Last edited by Jibralta; 10-24-2020 at 09:47 AM.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    You could save yourself thousands of dollars in therapy if you ended this situation.
    So true!!!

  11. #10
    Gold Member Spawn's Avatar
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    In past i have been in relationships that would end up being devoid of trust & with loads of lies, betrayal, cheating. It turned into a situation where i started lying to myself and my friends to save the relationship. I had to go through therapy where my therapist kept asking me things about my past, why i felt to be in such relationships, why i didn't love myself to walk away from hurt and abuse.
    The answers to your issues are there within you and your experiences with him, you have been in this relationship for 2 years and he has shown you who he truly is.

    Would you like to continue like this for the rest of your life?

    Be brave and dont be afraid of taking tough decisions for yourself , your life.
    We all deserve happiness and happiness is in the choices we make in our life.
    Good or bad sometimes things doesnt work out and we need to move on.
    Be it a house, a car or even a life partner.

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