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I need to understand.


Squeezyy02

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Hi.

 

My ex recently broke up with me. (2.5 months long relationship)

The reason at first was that she felt I was too interested in the relationship, that the relationship was mostly one sided from me. She said that she doesn't have time for a relationship right now, that she wants to focus on her studies and herself and she doesn't have the time or the capacity to work on the relationship because it would be too pressuring for her. She said it was more about her than it was about me.

 

The next day of the breakup, I was frustrated, I really missed her and I didn't want to lose her just like that.

I sent her a really long text. It contained things like:

"Ok so I know you have been cold and distant with me this past month and it's due to the pressure you are currently experiencing from the university, and I know we're both probably not getting what we want from the relationship right now, and that we aren't open to each other as we once were.

However, I don't want things to end this way. We shared a lot and we went through a lot, it's not fair for something like this to just go away. I'd rather try than let it slip.

I believe we can make this work. I believe that if we actually talk about what each of us want from this relationship, how to not pressure each other, how often we should text, how often we should call, how often we should hang out, etc etc. and we can try this for a week. If we actually felt like this could actually work, and that we can support and help each other, and the relationship becomes more two sided than one sided then we can continue. But, if it was too pressuring and it didn't work out, then it's over. I'm sorry I don't mean to pressure you and put this on top of all what you have, but I really don't want things to end this way. You're one of a kind and I don't want to lose you.

 

She responded two hour later.

"For starters, you are an amazing guy but I can't lie to myself and most importantly I can't lie to you. I'm not in a place where I can be in a relationship right now it's more about me than it is about you. You say that if we give it time or have a conversation about it things may work, but I feel there's more to what's happening than that. I feel there are things missing in our relationship that are just not there and I don't see a way they can be, it's going to end up forceful and not fair to any of us, it's going to end up a relationship by name and losing each other more than anything else and I don't want that to happen, I want us to stay friends and be there for one another. I care deeply about you I do and any time you need me of course, I'm always there. I don't want this to impact you or your studies in any way, I really care about you but I don't feel I can be that person now or anytime in the future. I hope you understand, and I'm really sorry."

 

I'm really confused. What made her think of me suddenly like this? We had a really good relationship going and we barely fought and neither of us was clingy. I'm going to need your opinion on this. I need clearance and I need it really badly. I want to get back with her, I really do, but she basically never wants to get back with me again. This has been so hard on me and I can't really cope with it this way. Give me your opinion on all of this, I'm all ears!!

 

Thank you.

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Unfortunately she does not to reconcile. Don't stay friends.

 

My advice about this situation remains the same.

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=566435&p=7244410&viewfull=1#post7244410

She responded two hour later.

I'm not in a place where I can be in a relationship right now it's more about me than it is about you. I don't feel I can be that person now or anytime in the future. I hope you understand, and I'm really sorry."

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I'm sorry I forgot that I posted about this in here. Anyways, I'm not really here to try to get back with her. I'm getting over her but what is bugging me is why she would end things just like that. As I said, I just need to understand the situation so that I don't repeat this in my future relationships.

 

Also, I haven't contacted her since the breakup.

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What's not to understand? She laid it out in black and white. There was no gray area. She doesn't feel that you are right for her, and she doesn't want a messy scene. The part about wanting to remain friends is just what people say sometimes when they don't want to hurt someone.

 

Please stop all communications with her and move on.

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When you are being dumped, it always seems like it's "just like that". In reality, the person making that decision, has been thinking about things for a long time. It's not a decision that is abrupt or made lightly and that is what you need to understand. There is no slow way to break to someone that you want to end the relationship. It's invariably abrupt seeming to the dumpee.

 

You can't fix that, change that, or prevent that from happening. All you can do is respect the person's decision and work on accepting it and letting them go so you can heal and move on and find someone else who is more compatible.

 

A lot of dumpees get stuck on the idea that if only they had told them what's wrong, they can fix it. The thing is that often times when a person decides to end a relationship, especially a long term one, it's not because it's something broken that you can fix, but rather because they've decided that you are not the right long term partner for them. You aren't bad, or broken and there is nothing to fix. It's simply that you are not the right match. There is nothing to fix and nothing to do but heal and move on.

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OK so they say a breakup can turn around at about 3 months...so in the meantime look popular, and act like you are getting some attention from a girl or two (easy to do, find a someone to do a selfie with)....flash that stuff on social media. Get all buff and stuff, look good. Best of luck

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I disagree. If she comes back because of some social media pics or because you "look popular" that would be pretty shallow. Besides, if her mind is made up none of that would make a difference.

 

You can decide to accept her decision and then, when you're ready, look into dating some of the many other young women at your school who probably like you.

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The reason at first was that she felt I was too interested in the relationship, that the relationship was mostly one sided from me.

 

She has never been as into you as you are into her, man. That's all there is to it.

 

It sucks but this wasn't sudden, and she doesn't feel the same way about trying to make it work. She can't force herself to have feelings for you, just as you can't force yourself not to.

 

You need to let go of her and stop contacting her.

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This has been so hard on me and I can't really cope with it this way.

 

You were with her 75 days, so yeah, saying you can't cope shows you were way too intense and scaring her away might be the reason she left. If so, you can work on making sure you keep a full life besides having a gf with guy friends and hobbies. If it was just the case that she learned something about herself, that it was hard to have a bf and do college work, then that sucks for you but nobody said life was easy.

 

One day you will meet a woman who matches you in how you like to date. Just make sure you're practicing healthy self-talk. Instead of saying to yourself that you can't cope, tell yourself you will always be fine if a break up happens because you still have other parts of your life that are happy, and it frees you to be single so you can eventually meet your forever love.

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This has been so hard on me and I can't really cope with it this way.

 

You were with her 75 days, so yeah, saying you can't cope shows you were way too intense and scaring her away might be the reason she left. If so, you can work on making sure you keep a full life besides having a gf with guy friends and hobbies. If it was just the case that she learned something about herself, that it was hard to have a bf and do college work, then that sucks for you but nobody said life was easy.

 

One day you will meet a woman who matches you in how you like to date. Just make sure you're practicing healthy self-talk. Instead of saying to yourself that you can't cope, tell yourself you will always be fine if a break up happens because you still have other parts of your life that are happy, and it frees you to be single so you can eventually meet your forever love.

 

True, I might have been too intense for her, but can you blame me? :)

 

What I mean by I can't cope is:

I thought we had a really good relationship going on. Days before the breakup I didn't even notice something was off, we would chat regularly and call once a week (we were in a long distance relationship for a month), so when she told me about the breakup I was completely shocked, I knew we didn't have the chemistry we once had but I didn't know things were that serious.

 

I did have a life besides her, I was always with my boys and I hit the gym regularly, I have good grades as well, so I wasn't that clingy to her. I was insecure sometimes though, I admit.

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True, I might have been too intense for her, but can you blame me? :)

 

What I mean by I can't cope is:

I thought we had a really good relationship going on. Days before the breakup I didn't even notice something was off, we would chat regularly and call once a week (we were in a long distance relationship for a month), so when she told me about the breakup I was completely shocked, I knew we didn't have the chemistry we once had but I didn't know things were that serious.

 

I did have a life besides her, I was always with my boys and I hit the gym regularly, I have good grades as well, so I wasn't that clingy to her. I was insecure sometimes though, I admit.

 

But the "chemistry you once had?" This is a short term relationship. The longest you believed you had chemistry like that was at most two months. A relatively short period of time. Many people click for the short term. I know it's disappointing but please accept her decision and move on.

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You handled this right. You were not ready to give up, so you fought for it. You explained how you felt in a clear, thoughtful manner. You were respectful. You offered to work through whatever is bothering her together. You did what anyone wanting to keep a relationship should do. Unfortunately, you can do everything right and it still not work out. Both sides need to be willing to make the commitment and put in the effort. She isn't. She's also being mature and honest in her response. For whatever reason, she isn't ready for a relationship right now. You can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why, or you can respect her decision and not pursue more. Odds are it has nothing to do with you and is about where she is at in her life, something in her that she needs to work out for herself. Best thing to do is set aside the hope of a romance and just be her friend. If it's meant to be, it will find a way. And if it's not, at least you can have a good friend in your life, which is all to rare. You both sound like good people, who can work through this and stay in each others lives.

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You handled this right. You were not ready to give up, so you fought for it. You explained how you felt in a clear, thoughtful manner. You were respectful. You offered to work through whatever is bothering her together. You did what anyone wanting to keep a relationship should do. Unfortunately, you can do everything right and it still not work out. Both sides need to be willing to make the commitment and put in the effort. She isn't. She's also being mature and honest in her response. For whatever reason, she isn't ready for a relationship right now. You can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why, or you can respect her decision and not pursue more. Odds are it has nothing to do with you and is about where she is at in her life, something in her that she needs to work out for herself. Best thing to do is set aside the hope of a romance and just be her friend. If it's meant to be, it will find a way. And if it's not, at least you can have a good friend in your life, which is all to rare. You both sound like good people, who can work through this and stay in each others lives.

The best reply I've ever read. You are one in a million mate. Thank you.

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You dated for 10 weeks . But after 6 weeks she started to be a bit unsure.

She gave it a chance for 4 weeks but realised her uncertainty was founded.

And so she rightfully ended it.

 

What exactly are you not understanding?

How many times did you meet in that 10 weeks?

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You dated for 10 weeks . But after 6 weeks she started to be a bit unsure.

She gave it a chance for 4 weeks but realised her uncertainty was founded.

And so she rightfully ended it.

 

What exactly are you not understanding?

How many times did you meet in that 10 weeks?

 

Around 18 times.

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I disagree with staying friends with exes. A majority of people don't want to begin dating someone if that person is communicating with an ex. Your future dating pool will be limited if you do that. And when the day comes she gets a new bf, you will likely be put to the back burner or she will totally cut ties with you.

 

Listen to Garth Brooks song, Unanswered Prayers, and it might make you feel a little better.

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I agree with not staying friends unless you've both moved on -whether you're with other people or moved on emotionally - because friends chat about dating of course. For one thing. And a friendship doesn't work if one person wants a romantic relationship. I've stayed friends with exes successfully at times. I married my ex fiancee 11 years after we broke up. We stayed in very limited contact during the almost 8 years we were apart. Definitely not a friendship, barely an acquaintanceship. It's one reason we were able to get back together - our history wasn't dramatic/complicated after we broke up.

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Give me your opinion on all of this, I'm all ears!!

 

Well, you fought the good fight and you lost. The main takeaway here is to learn acceptance. You're not always going to understand the actions and opinions of others. You just have to learn to accept that. It's not always pleasant, but you would want the same done for you.

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I agree with not staying friends unless you've both moved on -whether you're with other people or moved on emotionally - because friends chat about dating of course. For one thing. And a friendship doesn't work if one person wants a romantic relationship. I've stayed friends with exes successfully at times. I married my ex fiancee 11 years after we broke up. We stayed in very limited contact during the almost 8 years we were apart. Definitely not a friendship, barely an acquaintanceship. It's one reason we were able to get back together - our history wasn't dramatic/complicated after we broke up.

 

Seems to me like she easily moved on.

 

She ended things for good. I don't think we'll ever be together again, based on the way she dumped me

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if you keep a door open it will keep you connected to a past that your future partner may not appreciate.

Make friends with time not your ex.

 

The thing is we are in the same friends group, and we are all really close so I don't think it's possible not to be friends. We all hang out all the time, it'd be disrespectful of me to ignore her and not try to connect with her. We ended things on good terms.

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The thing is we are in the same friends group, and we are all really close so I don't think it's possible not to be friends. We all hang out all the time, it'd be disrespectful of me to ignore her and not try to connect with her. We ended things on good terms.

 

You can be pleasant to her when you see her - just like you would any other human you came in contact with. That is respectful. No need to be her friend.

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