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Thread: She said she need time to be alone and Im not sure what to do

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    She said she need time to be alone and Im not sure what to do

    Hey. Im [21m] am lost. Lets call this girl M [21f]. M and I have a past. We were friends back 2 years ago and kissed at a party once. We both thought that the other person didn't have feelings that way and just wanted a friendship. She had a bf of 4 years at the time but she was on the edge of breaking up with him because he was pretty abusive. She dropped out of our UNI and went home, and got into a relationship pretty much right after breaking up with her ex at the time. Her ex told her to not talk to me cause he knew we kissed. That was 2 years ago. Friendship gone.



    Fast forward to a few months ago and she messaged me. I was so ing happy. We got a long really well, like we just understood each other right away and every second we use to spend together was a highlight. She confessed to me after a month of talking that she had feelings back then (she was drunk when she confessed) we talked and I told her I had feelings too. She ,at the time, was still in a relationship with the dude who her to not talk to me, lets call him Matt. M and Matt were on the rocks at the time and she said later that when we started talking, she thought her relationship with Matt was over. A few months go by of us just chatting (pretty much daily).



    Then we started talking more about a future between us. Even after 2 years it was like nothing had changed between us. It was exactly like we were back then. We both felt strongly about each other. I said she can have the however long she needs to break up with Matt because I know she needs to do it on her terms and not because I tell her too. She has depression and really cant stand when ppl dont like her. Like it really effects her. She had a bunch of opportunities to break up with him but didnt take them. That is until he got in a crash with her. ing idiot drinking then drove and was mad at her and didnt pay attention to the road. They both got out okay.



    She broke up with him shortly after. She said before she will need some time likely after. But leading up to this point we were talking 2 times a day (to and from work), video calling at least 4 times a week and snapchatting all the time. Right after the break up we kept things low key for a week but then we started moving really fast as she said. Didnt change how we were doing anything, like still talking the same amount as I just described but we did start planning a lot. We planned an airbnb for the future and both were excited to go. Then about a week later she complete changed. Stopped talking as much and she said it was cause she is getting overwhelmed of the prospect of another long term relationship and she needs to learn to be alone and get her life inorder. I tried for the past few weeks to give her space but I am INCREDIBLY hurt. I understand she needs space, but that doesnt hurt any less. We both said I love you. And now this. We talked today and she said she cant commit to a relationship now and doesnt know her timeframe. She said its unfair for me to wait for her. I want to. I really truly love her and would do anything for her. (Note we do live 4 hours apart). Now she cant go to the airbnb because her parents need her help with moving. She stays she still cares for me and the feelings havent changed but cant commit to a relationship in the future and definitely cant commit now because she is overwhlemed by the thought.






    What do i do? Do I give her complete space and leave her life for a bit or talk periodically like she says she wants to keep things "chill"? Im hurt but I dont want her out of my life, but I also dont think I can handle a few months or a year of this. Like I cant go from being fully invested in someone and giving them 110% of all I have to nothing. Im so lost just need some help please.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You give her the space she wants. You dont contact her. It sounds like too much too soon for her and so she needs time. You will survive, even if you think you won't. She may come back to you and want to talk, or she may not. Dont push her or you will push her away. Dont put your life on hold for her either. Carry on with your normal day to day activities.

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    She says she wants to keep talking but keep it "chill" (like not every day, she made that clear). Do I tell her we need to take some time from talking and for her to reach out when she wants to start talking again?

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It sounds like she is on/off with the bf. Don't get caught in the crossfire. She doesn't seem ready to date.

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    Originally Posted by timmi33
    She says she wants to keep talking but keep it "chill" (like not every day, she made that clear). Do I tell her we need to take some time from talking and for her to reach out when she wants to start talking again?
    Yes.

    There's a reason her boyfriends have a problem with her talking to you. She doesn't respect the boundaries of a relationship.

    If she wants to be alone, she needs to learn to be truly alone without having you around as Plan B. She monkey-branches out of relationships and doesn't seem to be quite mature enough yet to break-up cleanly and then think about starting fresh with someone.

    I would cease communication for a while. It will hurt you too much to be placed on the backburner, still in contact but waiting for her to get her life together.

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    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Bad situation...remove yourself from it, go chat up some chickies to take your mind off it.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Don't communicate with her anymore. You've had feelings for her for awhile so they're not going to squash automatically overnight. If you're having trouble moving forwards it's no surprise. Cut yourself some slack and take the no for a clear No. Somewhere in all that's going on for her she had a moment of lucidity and told you the truth - she needs to learn to be on her own. Don't use each other or cling to each other when one or neither are ready for a relationship.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by timmi33
    We both said I love you. And now this. We talked today and she said she cant commit to a relationship now and doesnt know her timeframe. She said its unfair for me to wait for her. I want to. I really truly love her and would do anything for her. (Note we do live 4 hours apart). Now she cant go to the airbnb because her parents need her help with moving. She stays she still cares for me and the feelings havent changed but cant commit to a relationship in the future and definitely cant commit now because she is overwhlemed by the thought.
    So, you both love each other.... Have the two of you actually gone on a first date? All I've read is talk, talk, talk.... She recognizes that something is wrong between the two of you, and is taking action. She is showing maturity. You need to re-evaluate what's going on.


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