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Thread: Are these signs of a controlling boyfriend?

  1. #1
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    Are these signs of a controlling boyfriend?

    My boyfriend and I have been together for more than a year and deeply care for each other. But thereís one thing that was really consistent that comes up from time to time and that is he could be very controlling and opinionated even if sometimes it is hurtful or insensitive. I can give a lot of examples but I suppose we just happen to have a day is a good one.

    He really loves to golf the entire year even in the cold I was willing to learn it because it something we can do together. We didnít go over the winter but then again this past spring when the golf course is opened in June thatís pretty much what weíve done every weekend weather permitting. Even on my birthday late July he took me away on a golf vacation and yes we played golf most days were there.

    So the other day it was nice weather and he said letís go golfing. He just bought me a new pair of golf clubs which is very lovely and generous but I donít necessarily want to have it on my wish list. We were doing dinner on the early side and even though we got started very early golfing I kept saying we better leave by a certain time to get home be ready. He said come on letís just finish 18 rounds it will be OK. But I was a nervous wreck saying we could be running late. We did manage to finish golf but a little late and we had to rush home to get ready before dinner. Once we take it home he said see I told you would have plenty of time Really?

    Again this may not seem like a big deal to me but itís an indicator of his need to control. If I just intended date him know this would be a problem. Another example happened to the school and I drove out of state to his home to spend the weekend up there. Once I get up there I suggested that perhaps we take a nice ride to one of the nice little towns near him and one of the three days I was there. He said he said come on letís play golf since the course itís right around the corner from my house so we golfed two of the three days and on the third day of rain so I went home early. I understand gold has been a good activity given the pandemic but I do have a pool and like to swim so I only got into the pool a few times this season with him . The rest of the weekends we played golf even in the heat.
    Is this a sign of an over controlling boyfriend?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I don't really see where he is controlling. He is passionate about golfing. You are going along with it, learned how to play, etc. You don't seem to have much of a voice for yourself or interests of your own that you are willing to assert. You don't have to always do things together either. It's your choice you are always playing with him and he likely and rightfully assumes that you are actually into it as well.

    The dinner thing, pretty common difference to happen with any couple - one person is anxious, the other thinks there is plenty of time. Annoying, sure, but controlling? No.

    Sounds to me like you might have lost yourself and your identity in this relationship, but that's on you, not him.

  3. #3
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    I may not have provided enough detail. He can be too pushy too often. Sometimes it seems that unless I do it his way itís wrong. This extends into cooking, buying certain food, using certain products which may not be organic enough and even the venue for my daughters wedding. He is adamant that I shouldnít give her wedding in Chicago because itís too dangerous etc. by the way heís never been there. He also says my sisters and family wouldnít want to go there and may be mugged. Instead I should tell my daughter Iím giving the wedding in our suburban home area. He even told me heíd not go if I still had it in Chicago and after I told him that really hurt he backtracked and said of course heíd go with me.

  4. #4
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    Nope. That does not sound controlling at all. It sounds like two people with different senses of time/how long things take to do.

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    Originally Posted by Susanwirld
    I may not have provided enough detail. He can be too pushy too often. Sometimes it seems that unless I do it his way itís wrong. This extends into cooking, buying certain food, using certain products which may not be organic enough and even the venue for my daughters wedding. He is adamant that I shouldnít give her wedding in Chicago because itís too dangerous etc. by the way heís never been there. He also says my sisters and family wouldnít want to go there and may be mugged. Instead I should tell my daughter Iím giving the wedding in our suburban home area. He even told me heíd not go if I still had it in Chicago and after I told him that really hurt he backtracked and said of course heíd go with me.
    To someone who has not been to Chicago -- all you see on tv right now is shootings and general out of controlness - violence is out of control and so is looting and vandalism. So why would someone want to go there? Is the wedding in a Chicago suburb, or is it in the city. Honestly, if he said this two years ago, I would be on your side, but right now, he has a point. Plus sometimes the Covid numbers in crowded places like cities. I think giving a wedding in your home is on the opposite extreme - it doesn't have to be IN your home but somewhere less knee deep in the hoopla. Can you even have a wedding in Chicago right now due to guest number restrictions? My guy is extremely supportive but he would not be having it right now if i was attending or planning event in the middle of Manhatten, or Chicago right now.

    To me, that's not really controlling -- its being VERY concerned. He might not be able to say or you might not want to hear "honey, i am concerned about safety being that things are going how they are in Chicago". Sure, there are places in Chicago that are perfectly fine perhaps but with movement of large groups so restricted right now, especially out of towners, do you want to be responsible for all of them?

    But then you said he backtracked and will go.



    Also, if he wants to cook and eat foods that are only organic -- let him. Its his body.

    Again, this doesn't sound controlling. Why are you looking for something to be wrong?

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why did you move in so soon? Stop going golfing together. Find your own friends, interests, clubs, groups, volunteering, etc. All this sounds like nonsense, right/wrong bickering.

    Who cares what you buy or eat or how you cook it? Don't cook for him. It's that simple. It sounds like you rushed the relationship too much and simply do not agree on how to do things.

    As far as your daughter's wedding, why even discuss this with him. This is a discussion for you, your daughter, her fiancť and her father. Frankly he shouldn't even be there.

    Stop treating a man you're dating around a year as if he is family. You are involving yourself too much in his life and he is involving himself way too much in yours, and not in a good way.
    Originally Posted by Susanwirld
    This extends into cooking, buying certain food, using certain products which may not be organic enough and even the venue for my daughters wedding. .

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I think you should take some time to decide for yourself.

    It can be hard to express or show what you mean, but you know what you mean. And if you're having these feelings, there must be something to it.

    But before you dump someone over this, be sure that you've done your part. Meaning, do you stand up to him when you feel he is being controlling? Or do you just silently go along, as to not rock the boat?

    Stop doing things you don't want to do. When he starts challenging you and you disagree, speak up! If his style is making you lose respect for him, then maybe he's not the best fit for you.

    You need to get in tune with how you feel. This is your relationship. Its your responsibility to ensure you are treated the way you want and be strong enough to walk away, if it's not.

    And of course, compromise is a big part of any long term relationship. I am definitely not advising you refuse to do that. An old saying comes to mind, pick your battles wisely.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Susanwirld
    I may not have provided enough detail. He can be too pushy too often. Sometimes it seems that unless I do it his way itís wrong. This extends into cooking, buying certain food, using certain products which may not be organic enough and even the venue for my daughters wedding. He is adamant that I shouldnít give her wedding in Chicago because itís too dangerous etc. by the way heís never been there. He also says my sisters and family wouldnít want to go there and may be mugged. Instead I should tell my daughter Iím giving the wedding in our suburban home area. He even told me heíd not go if I still had it in Chicago and after I told him that really hurt he backtracked and said of course heíd go with me.
    What the hell? It's not his business to decide where your daughter gets married! It's up to her and her fiance. He should stay home if he doesn't like the venue.

    I didn't find him controlling about golf, just he is really passionate about it. You need to learn to stand up for yourself and if you dont want to golf as much, then dont go. You need a backbone so you dont get pushed around so much.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    What the hell? It's not his business to decide where your daughter gets married! It's up to her and her fiance. He should stay home if he doesn't like the venue.

    I didn't find him controlling about golf, just he is really passionate about it. You need to learn to stand up for yourself and if you dont want to golf as much, then dont go. You need a backbone so you dont get pushed around so much.
    I agree. I think you're being too passive and also confusing him - you learned how to play golf and so of course he assumes you enjoy it when you agree to play golf. When you first met him did you like how masculine he was - how take charge he was? Did you sometimes enjoy saying to your friends how you couldn't hang with them or chat right now because your boyfriend _____ (fill in the blank of him telling you what the plan is). Now that the honeymoon period has past you don't like it but you're not sure what to do about it. That's why I like the backbone advice.

  11. #10
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    It's one thing to say, "don't have a wedding in Chicago because of what's going on there," versus, "I won't go if you have it there." He is manipulative, and condescending. Not controlling per say like he knows best.

    And btw, zero proof that organic is better. It just means less pesticides - but there are still pesticides being used.

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