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Thread: Guy I met online says he wants to leave his gf for me

  1. #1
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    Guy I met online says he wants to leave his gf for me

    Hey,

    hope everyone is doing as well as possible during these times. I'd really need some objective, unbiased advice from someone who's preferably more experienced than me when it comes to romance and relationships (so pretty much anyone lol). This might be long though, so bare with me.

    Basically, I'm a woman in my 20's. I don't have much experience with relationships so I find it hard to trust my judgement in this case. I usually stay away from romantic involvement - I have avoidant tendencies and I'm also really busy with studies and establishing my career. Other than that I'm pretty sane

    The problem is, a month ago I met a guy online. It was NOT on a dating app, I have to stress that, it was a pretty neutral app designed to practice languages etc. I messaged him first, and he replied saying he forgot he even had this app installed because he hasn't talked to anyone on it for more than 2 years. Then we started exchanging looong messages - basically, I don't even know how things escalated to what the situation is now - but, in those messages we discovered we have pretty much everything in common - our taste in everything, likes, dislikes, spirituality...We just clicked instantly. And I felt understood for the very first time - something which never happened before with anyone else. He just seemed to get me, my likes, my dislikes, my style of writing, my view of the world. And I got his (or at least that's what I thought). We shared so many personal details with each other, our hopes, fears... This was going on for a month. At the end, he implied we should meet.

    At the beginning I fooled myself into thinking I was just killing time with these long messages, but I was lying to myself. What I was really doing was falling hopelessly in love - with a man I don't even know, online. Yep. NOT the smartest move on my part. I was very careful with my personal info in case he was some crazed stalker but I wasn't careful with my heart. However, I was freaked out. Because I've never been in a situation like that, because it was online, because it was all moving very fast - and I know that "too fast too soon" usually isn't a good sign. I was wondering if he was love-bombing me. I was wondering what his motivation for love-bombing even would be since we live hundreds of kilometers apart and he barely knows how I look like. I was torn between "this guy might be a sociopath and just saying what I want to hear" to "this is my soulmate, you're just being paranoid, you have avoidant attachment anyway". The thing is, I do believe he didn't fake his interests, because he usually told me his interests first and he also proved them - so he wasn't mirroring me. However he was very complimentary of me eventhough he barely knew me, from the start. He also expressed a lot of interest in me almost from the start. Basically there were red flags, but they weren't obvious. At all.

    Anyway all that paranoia let me to Google him - using my investigative skills, I managed to find him. And I realized he has a long-term girlfriend. Ouch, my heart. I immediately confronted him, told him that basically this is over and what he did was very wrong, even if we never established an official relationship - the romantic connotation was clear. I told him to think of what he's doing to his poor gf.

    He replied, basically saying that at the beginning he had no plans of romantic involvement with me, he was just being friendly. However, with time, he started falling for me. And he said that in the next few messages he was going to ask me if I'm single and had I said yes, he would've broken up with his gf and give our relationship a try. And that his relationship with his gf is reaching an end anyway. He didn't apologize tho, interestingly enough.

    Well, OBVIOUSLY, my immediate reaction was "oh hell nah". First off; how you get them is how you lose them, right? Second off, I feel HORRIBLE for his poor gf - who spent years with him and even lives with him. Third of all, how do I know he's even telling the truth and he really was going to leave her if I had said that I'm willing to give our relationship a try? Fourth of all; so if I didn't say I'm willing to be with him, he would stay with his gf? For what - shouldn't he leave his gf anyway, if he feels their relationship is reaching an end and they're drifting apart - irregardless if he has a new romantic option or not? If he's lying, and their relationship isn't reaching an end, and he just happened to fall in love with me - he shouldn't have put himself in a situation of writing long, emotional messages to someone else and expressing interest in someone else while with her. Or he at least should be open with me and tell me that he has a gf when he saw that our messages were getting more emotional. Also - we know each other for a month, online. Why is he prepared to leave his long-time gf for someone he knows for a month and hasn't even seen in person.


    Despite all these major red flags, the hopeless romantic in me wonders from time to time - what if this is "the one" despite the circumstances. I've never felt more understood, I've never met anyone with whom I would share so many commonalities. What if he really was going to break up with his gf either way and I just happened to meet him in the process, what if this is my "soulmate". What if I'll regret leaving this connection in the future. Basically I'm sick with the dreaded "What if" bug.

    SIGH. Someone please help. I'm losing my mind just a bit. Any advice or personal anecdote is welcome.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    He's a complete loser. Where are you getting these terms like avoidant and mirroring? Are you seeing a psychiatrist or therapist? You seem very anxious and inexperienced to me with zero self-worth and that's about it.

    You deserve a lot better than what he's offering. This is also long distance. The whole situation is a fiasco blowing up before a romance has even legitimately started.

    A good thing to do might be to ask yourself why you are continuing to engage in self-sabotage and lessening your chances of finding real happiness with someone local in an actual relationship that isn't fraught with all this drama.

  3. #3
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    Oof that's a harsh tone. I'm getting these psychoanalysis terms from having sessions with an actual clinical psychologist, I'm not web diagnosing myself. I am a bit anxious tho, and I'm definitely inexperienced I'll give you that.

    I guess my chances of finding real happiness are pretty slim anyway, and I might be lonelier than I'd like to admit. But you're probably right about that self-sabotage thing. I do that a lot, subconsiously.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Why do you say that? The part about the chances of finding real happiness pretty slim.

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    I mean, right now mostly because of quarantine, but in general - I haven't seen any examples of real happiness, not with my parents not with anyone else. It's hard to believe in something you've never witnessed. Not only that I find it hard to open up to people. And where I live - the dating pool is very small and quite miserable tbh. I don't have much to choose from.

    I'm actually glad you gave me such a harsh reply though, because I really need someone to shake me and tell me not to be so naive.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You seem to have a lot of insight. Since you have a lot of doubts about this it may be best to back away from it. Trust your gut instincts.

    Focus on studies, career, your goals, hobbies, interests, sports, clubs, groups, etc.

    You seem hesitant to date, so unavailable people do seek out other "safe" unavailable, improbable people. However if you get too carried away, you may get hurt in the end.
    Originally Posted by HowMuch
    I'm also really busy with studies and establishing my career. we live hundreds of kilometers. he has a long-term girlfriend.

  8. #7
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Cheaters are not good romantic partners.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Wiseman has it right.

    So you have really created a fantasy in your head where the ONE is this guy and no matter the obstacles you know he is the guy for you. Maybe on the Hallmark channel but not in real life.

    Would you try and steal some guy from his gf if he lived in your city? I am sure his gf would be surprised to hear that her relationship is nearing its end. Typical cheater excuse...


    IF you were to attempt a long distance romance I am sure you can do way better than this guy. Hell if you wanted to find the absolute wrong guy for a romance this guy would be in the top 10.

    Being lonely doesn't mean you give up on your values and self esteem.

    Lost

  10. #9
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Attached cheating men lie about their motives/situation. 99.9% of them either stay with their GF/wife or will go back to their GF/wife. He's filling your ears with sweet nothing but lies. I understand the psychology behind the attraction of being desired by an attached man..ego boost/ feel special/dopamine running rampant in the brain. The "he's picking me over her" enticement. I hope you realize that this is unhealthy risk taking and should just back away from this guy.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    Attached cheating men lie about their motives/situation. 99.9% of them either stay with their GF/wife or will go back to their GF/wife. He's filling your ears with sweet nothing but lies. I understand the psychology behind the attraction of being desired by an attached man..ego boost/ feel special/dopamine running rampant in the brain. The "he's picking me over her" enticement. I hope you realize that this is unhealthy risk taking and should just back away from this guy.
    I just want to clear something up. Honest to God, I'm not attracted to him "because" he's an attached man. No, ABSOLUTELY NO, that's gross, that's precisely what makes me sad. Not only do I feel horrible for his gf and empathize with her, I also feel guilty - eventhough I had no idea he had a gf until just now and as soon as I found out I put a stop to it (I haven't replied to him since). HOWEVER, unfortunately, I fell for him (or the fantasy of him) BEFORE I found out he had a gf. And I'm only human - I have feelings for him and every now and then wonder "what if". But yeah, you're right, thanks a lot for this. Much appreciated. I will keep away from him.

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