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Haven’t heard from Ex GF for almost 6 weeks since breakup.


TB901

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Me and my girlfriend were dating for 8 months. Things were great, saw each other almost everyday. She told me she loved me first, I already knew I loved her but was scared to run her off. We had so much in common in life, and what we wanted out of life. We like the same things and had so much fun together. We never fought or really disagreed with each other.

 

Almost 6 weeks ago I was at her house on a Friday night, we were hanging out, watching music videos and just talking like normal, she told me she loved me and how thankful she was we had each other, I told her the same. As the night went on she seemed more and more off...Both her daughter and son had friends spending the night. It got late and I just moved 35+ minutes away. She asked her 11 year old daughter if she cared if I sleep in the room with her (the mom) that night. The daughter told her no that I could not. (I had been sleeping on the couch if I ever stayed there while the kids were there). Since there were 6 kids from 11-15 years old she told me I could sleep on love seat. I tried but couldn’t, I left in middle of the night and sent her a text saying I couldn’t sleep and had to go home, also asked if everything was alright she seemed like something was in her mind. She text me the next morning saying she was sorry for the crappy sleeping arrangements and that she was fine just really tired but also in a head space of needing some space. She then says.. if I’m being honest you have said and done a couple things lately that have been on her mind and remind her of past relationships (her last two have been very bad and abusive). I asked her like what and she said that while watching music videos I made comments about a couple girls on there and cars as well, “that I was just really hung up on worldly things” which I’m not. I apologized for the comments about women and told her I shouldn’t have done that. I then for whatever reason said well while we are being honest, you are the mom and your daughter shouldn’t get the only say in everything in your life, you can sit her down and talk to her about us and how you feel, we aren’t just some fling and I know you never made your last two ex sleep on the loveseat. We talked on the phone later that evening and she said she didn’t know what she wanted anymore and was really mad at me. She said she couldn’t do this anymore.

Well afterwards I drove to her house.. bad move I know... I knocked on the door and said I’m not staying long, I just wanted to say I’m sorry for over stepping with your daughter and that I upset you. She said I was really mad this morning and I told her she should be. I told her I loved her and wished we could communicate better going forward if she wanted to try. She told me she didn’t have time and wasn’t looking for a relationship (after 8months?). I started to say something else and she said you need to leave.

 

Her son who I was very close to text me the next week telling me about his football game and sending me highlights. I told him me and his mom weren’t together anymore and she might not like us talking. He said no I think she will be fine, plus I’m going to talk to her about you.. he said I’ve never seen anyone treat her or us like you, it’s the happiest I’ve ever seen her. Couple days later he was inviting me to his football game and said he talked to his mom and she said she was just annoyed but that’s what she always says when she breaks up with some. I told him I would ask her about the game. He told me I should go over and talk to her in person about it... why I listened to a 15 year old I don’t know, just wasn’t thinking straight. I did, it was one week since the breakup, she wasn’t too happy that I showed up, I told her her son told me to come talk to her, we talked about her car, a tree that was getting cut down and nothing too much. She offered me a cookie, I gave her a hug and left. I sent her a text later and said hey you never did say anything about the football game. Her response... I can’t tell you what to do, up to you. So I went and didn’t speak to her or even look at her. After the game I sent him a text telling him good job and I was proud of him. He invited me to his next game, I told him he need to ask his mom... couple days later he said she told him it was best for me not to come. I said ok and wished him luck. That night her sponsors husband (we are both in AA) called me and said she doesn’t know I’m calling you but... started threatening me about texting her son, “trying to use him to get in his moms panties” and all kinds of crazy not true stuff. That night I sent her a message and apologized that if I crossed any boundaries I didn’t intend to and if there was an issue that she could of told me herself. Also told her I wasn’t upset that we didn’t workout and was thankful for our time together and wish her and her kids nothing but the best and happiness and hoped we would leave all remaining interactions in good terms”. That was the last text I sent her. That’s been over 4 weeks ago. She has blocked me on Instagram, she might have my number too and not go that text I really don’t know.

 

I’m doing a lot better 6 weeks later, I know I made some mistakes and didn’t handle the post breakup perfectly but still confused by how it can go from I love you and thankful to not talking in just one night. I started hanging with some friends, getting out, going to the gym daily (I’ve lost 17 pounds!). Gone on a couple dates... one really bad one. Lol. I’ve talked to my therapist at great lengths about all of this, she’s obviously an avoidant type and I triggered her to shut down. Guess my question is do they ever regain the feelings they once had? How long does that take? Do y’all think there is any hope of of us getting back together? Or very likely? I want to reach out and just say hey and check in but I’m sure that wouldn’t do any good. So I’m just continuing to work on myself. It’s just very hard at times not to reach out. Definitely getting better but not gone, I would of never guessed it would of bothered me 6 weeks after the fact. I’ve never felt this way about a women or let one bother me this bad! Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated!! Thank you!

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Sorry to hear this. Way too much way too soon. Unfortunately all you can do is continue working on yourself, your sobriety and with your therapist.

 

Way too much too soon as in to what aspect? Thank you! I’m coming up on 2 years Nov 2nd!

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Why did you say this:

. . . told her I wasn’t upset that we didn’t workout and was thankful for our time together and wish her and her kids nothing but the best and happiness and hoped we would leave all remaining interactions in good terms”.

 

if you're hoping to get back together?

 

I think the chances of you getting back together are hovering very close to 0%. She appears to have wrapped up her feelings and moved on. She has added you to her string of exes that she will be discussing with the next guy she becomes involved with.

 

In the future I would not ogle other women in front of someone you're with or interested in. Even if it's on TV. It really is okay to keep some things to yourself.

 

She also should not be asking permission and taking directives from her 11 year old child. Not healthy at all.

 

All things considered, this doesn't sound like a good match.

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Way too much too soon as in to what aspect? Thank you! I’m coming up on 2 years Nov 2nd!

 

Introducing her children to you and having you sleep over while the kids were around, all within 8 months, was rushing it. I suspect she also rushed into a relationship with you not long after her two past relationships. It's worrying, and also quite damaging, that she chooses to bring home one man after another to her family in quick succession.

 

Yes, continue working on yourself, I also advise that you refrain from any further contact with the children.

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Huge lesson here.

Divorced mom here who dated with young kids.

8 months in and you wouldn't have even met my kids.

Her first and foremost priority is her children. If she's a good mom she will consider their emotional wellbeing and comfort above any man she dates.

I get she was part of the decision to ask the daugther about sharing a bed. The daughters reaction was to be expected and her first indication that she was going off course.

From there the wheels came off the bus. She likely carefully reconsidered what is in the best interest of her kids and inserting you so early on wasn't a good idea.

Surely she has some sort of custody arrangment. She should be conducting her personal affairs when the kids aren't present.

You say the son called you and though you were responsive to his call, you inserted yourself in the mix well after the end of the relationship. This was your moment to think straight and recognize that you weren't going to be this boy's buddy. Especially light of no longer being a team with his mom. I can't help but wonder if you were hopeful that being in the boys life gave you some leverage seeing you wanted mom back. I am not saying you used him, but it had to be side note of some sort.

 

I will add, not only did men not meet my sons, I decined meeting theirs.

Your relationship was with her and her only. That is an adult choice. The kids don't have much of choice when parents insert different partners into their life.

You mentioned her *ex's sleep in her bed with the kids present? I'll bet they didn't like that either.

How many men in her bed is too much?

 

You went too far and inserted yourself in the kids life. You were part of dust up that included them. She realized the ramifications of that and dialed it back. When you busted the boundaries, she locked the door.

But yet you call her avoidant? No, she's a mom looking after her childrens emotional wellbeing,

 

I am going to guess you don't have kids of your own.

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Thanks to anyone who read that whole thing.

 

we did read the whole thing and no where did you say 2 years. You did say 8 months twice though.

Stating 8 months once could easily be a misinterpretation, but you stated it once again further into the thread.

Now when the responses hone in on the 8 month mentions, it becomes 2 years?

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She lost interest in you and I think she views you like one of the children. I'm very sorry. Count this completely over. She may have some affection left for you but it's not one of equals.

 

What you can do going forward is remember to keep your own counsel and try not to involve anyone else in your decisions or personal issues. Hope you feel better soon. This will pass.

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we did read the whole thing and no where did you say 2 years. You did say 8 months twice though.

Stating 8 months once could easily be a misinterpretation, but you stated it once again further into the thread.

Now when the responses hone in on the 8 month mentions, it becomes 2 years?

 

We dated for 8 months. I have been sober for 2 years.

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Huge lesson here.

Divorced mom here who dated with young kids.

8 months in and you wouldn't have even met my kids.

Her first and foremost priority is her children. If she's a good mom she will consider their emotional wellbeing and comfort above any man she dates.

I get she was part of the decision to ask the daugther about sharing a bed. The daughters reaction was to be expected and her first indication that she was going off course.

From there the wheels came off the bus. She likely carefully reconsidered what is in the best interest of her kids and inserting you so early on wasn't a good idea.

Surely she has some sort of custody arrangment. She should be conducting her personal affairs when the kids aren't present.

You say the son called you and though you were responsive to his call, you inserted yourself in the mix well after the end of the relationship. This was your moment to think straight and recognize that you weren't going to be this boy's buddy. Especially light of no longer being a team with his mom. I can't help but wonder if you were hopeful that being in the boys life gave you some leverage seeing you wanted mom back. I am not saying you used him, but it had to be side note of some sort.

 

I will add, not only did men not meet my sons, I decined meeting theirs.

Your relationship was with her and her only. That is an adult choice. The kids don't have much of choice when parents insert different partners into their life.

You mentioned her *ex's sleep in her bed with the kids present? I'll bet they didn't like that either.

How many men in her bed is too much?

 

You went too far and inserted yourself in the kids life. You were part of dust up that included them. She realized the ramifications of that and dialed it back. When you busted the boundaries, she locked the door.

But yet you call her avoidant? No, she's a mom looking after her childrens emotional wellbeing,

 

I am going to guess you don't have kids of your own.

 

Actually I do.. I have 3.

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Welcome to ENA and congratulations on your 2 years. Don't let anything or anyone get in the way of your progress.

 

So you said she was distant and off before any of this went down. This is telling to me. Even if you hadn't over stepped with her daughter which you did in a big way even though you were right she shouldn't be asking her daughter for permission for anything the relationship in her mind needed to end.

 

I have heard of this and witnessed it for myself where a good guy is so out of the normal for someone that has been treated so badly in the past that they feel like it isn't right for whatever reason. Am I correct? She only knows and it really doesn't matter since she ended it with a punctuation mark.

 

The whole sponsors husband calling you is so far out of what AA sponsors are supposed to do is mind boggling to me.

 

If I were you my question wouldn't be what are the chances we can get back together, it would be do I even want to get back with her? She went from I love you and you are the best thing in my life ever to get out and never speak to me again over a misunderstanding and stupid words out of your mouth.

 

What you are doing is the best medicine so keep it up. Learn from this and next time you date a woman with children you can set the time frame for meeting their children. As you have experienced the kids get attached easily so make sure they are protected from the adult romance.

 

Mistakes were made but don't beat yourself up over this.

 

Lost

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I can't imagine what she was thinking by not only introducing her children to you after dating for a mere 8 months, but allowing you to spend the night while her children are there. I have to ask, were you really comfortable with that arrangement?

 

In any event, hopefully the both of you come to understand the damage this can do to a child. I'd move on, and slow down the next time around.

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You are right... her child should NOT be the one making decisions.

By sounds of it, she is far from over her past. ( Maybe a little messed up?)

 

Yes, can take a little while for one to come to realize something it not for them - or feel right ( after 8 months, after 3 months or after a year...)

 

Whatever her son feels he wants to say to her- will not change her mind. If she doesn't feel right, that's it.

 

I say you two just aren't on the same path in your lives. You ARE ready & able, she is not.

 

Since YOU are taking this BU a little harder, I suggest you do NOT look at running to date again so soon :/

 

What if someone shows a real interest- but you can't- since you're still reeling over your recent break up. Totally unfair :(.

 

Work on getting over all of this.. and getting yourself back to good again! Give this all some time.

 

You're right.. will do no good 'to reach out', She blocked you- she has said enough. Leave her alone now.

Yes, can take a while to get over someone & be healed.. 6 weeks is nothing.. But keep moving forward. You NEED to work on accepting all is done.

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The woman has a screw loose proposing to an 11 year old kid that a man sleep in her bed.

 

That could be where she came unwound, if she wasn't already.

 

Those kids get the rug pulled out from under them with every man she introduces to them. She's teaching them that adult relationships are disposable, and they will likely have trouble forming bonds in their own lives.

 

This woman is expecting her kids to deal with her sexuality just as they are coming into their own, and she's harming them.

 

You'll likely look back on this relationship and thank yourself for walking away cleanly. I'd find myself another recovery group where you can avoid her entirely.

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Thank you everyone. And I have to ask even though I’m sure I know the answer everyone will give. A screw lose or bad decision making I still live her and want to make things workout. It’s been 6 weeks tomorrow. I’ve done everything I know to do to get over her and yes it’s gotten better over that time but I still miss her and think about her a lot. Should I reach out? Should I wait a little while longer. And not to reach out and ask what happened or to get back together. Just to see how she is and strike up a conversation. Thoughts please?

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Generally when someone blocks you it's not because they want you to "reach out". Quite the opposite.

 

No, do not reach out, don't go over to her home and don't attend any more of her son's football games and don't continue to communicate with her son. I know it's hard, but please respect her wishes and also please retain your dignity. Do not attempt to chase after her.

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Thank you everyone. And I have to ask even though I’m sure I know the answer everyone will give. A screw lose or bad decision making I still live her and want to make things workout. It’s been 6 weeks tomorrow. I’ve done everything I know to do to get over her and yes it’s gotten better over that time but I still miss her and think about her a lot. Should I reach out? Should I wait a little while longer. And not to reach out and ask what happened or to get back together. Just to see how she is and strike up a conversation. Thoughts please?

 

But this from your first post: "She told me she didn’t have time and wasn’t looking for a relationship (after 8months?). I started to say something else and she said you need to leave."

 

Don't beg, OP. No person is worth that amount of energy or time. Ever. You're behaving in exactly the way she expects you to and it's not necessarily flattering. Pull yourself together. You do not need to grovel.

 

Maybe it's not a good idea for you to date right now either if you're constantly willing to apologize non-stop and bend over backwards to someone else. It's not good for your mental health or overall wellbeing. You don't need to live like this. When the time is right and you're with someone who treats you well, this won't happen. You have to really see that and believe in that.

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Thank you everyone. And I have to ask even though I’m sure I know the answer everyone will give. A screw lose or bad decision making I still live her and want to make things workout. It’s been 6 weeks tomorrow. I’ve done everything I know to do to get over her and yes it’s gotten better over that time but I still miss her and think about her a lot. Should I reach out? Should I wait a little while longer. And not to reach out and ask what happened or to get back together. Just to see how she is and strike up a conversation. Thoughts please?

 

I know you care for her deeply, but from what you wrote it seems like she is someone who generally has difficulty maintaining a healthy relationship. I think you are better off without her.

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Your best chance is to be a mystery. If she cared for you at all you are on her mind and she does miss you so let he keep missing you and see if she reaches out to you.

 

I think this is a blessing in disguise. She sounds like a mess and she needs to work a lot of stuff out before she gets into a relationship.

 

Unfortunately you were more of a bandage then anything, kind of like a rebound.

 

Sometimes things just don't work out.

 

Stay busy so you can try to keep her out of your thoughts as best as you can and hopefully you will meet someone soon that is in a good place and ready to date and be in a relationship.

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