Jump to content

OCD, dreams triggers, anxiety...


Cynder

Recommended Posts

I know this is a long post. I’ll put a TLDR at the end for anyone who doesn’t want to read the whole thing (TLDR=Too long, didn’t read.)

I have OCD, clinically diagnosed. I was in therapy for about 5 years until very recently when my therapist retired. A lot of people don't understand this disorder. People think it's all about cleanliness, even numbers, etc. I suppose it is that for some people but not for me. Intrusive thoughts are more my thing.

So anyway, back in 2006 I had the worst episode of anxiety/depression of my life. I was married at the time and I kept having dreams about my husband getting killed in car accidents and stuff. And it didn't help that his car had a gas leak and he was driving around smoking in the car knowing this. His attitude about it was "Well if I die I die."

 

Last night I was sitting outside with my girlfriend and she was telling me about the time someone pulled a gun on her. Her job is a job that requires going to people's houses. She's a martial artist. She can take care of herself. And she used to teach a women's self-defense class. She’s kind of a badass. So hearing that story didn't really get to me as much as it would some people.

 

Then last night I had this dream where her and I were at this large shopping center kind of place and we ran into some people she knows. She didn't introduce me and acted like I wasn't even standing there. (This is not like her at all. She would never just ignore me in that situation.) And then there was this explosion on the other side of the building and everyone was panicking. In all the chaos we got separated. As I was running out of the building another explosion went off a little closer this time. And then outside the fire department is there, there are people who are injured being treated, etc, and I couldn't find her anywhere. My phone wasn't working so I couldn't call her. I just walked away from all this and started walking home. And I ran into someone I know who had a laptop with him. I asked him if I could use his laptop thinking maybe I could try to call her on Facebook. I tried doing this but for some reason I couldn't get to her profile to call her. And then somehow my phone works again and I'm talking to my Mom. And my Mom was asking if I was alright, but I was panicking at this time and crying because I didn't know if she got out ok, etc. And then suddenly I realized this isn't really happening. I had that moment of relief that we all do when waking up from a bad dream. But then I just couldn't shake it. I kept thinking about this and I couldn't go back to sleep.

 

So by the time my alarm went off I was pretty much having a panic attack. I decided I couldn't go to work like this. I was shaking. I felt like I was going to throw up, etc. And in the middle of all this, I am sitting at the table downstairs trying to collect myself and she came down to use the bathroom. I told her not to worry about me and to just go back to sleep.

 

I kept trying to tell myself the universe is not that cruel. After everything I've been through in my life, she won't be taken away from me so soon, etc. But then I remembered the last time I told myself the universe isn't that cruel, the exact thing I said wouldn't happen happened. I also keep reminding myself that she didn't actually die in the dream that I'm aware of.

 

Honestly, though, I am more worried about having another depressive episode like I had in 2006 than I am about anything happening to her. Of course, I would be devastated if something happened to her. But I know that's the less likely of the two. I am more likely to get really depressed and have a bad time for a while over this than she is likely to have something bad happen to her.

 

I watched a movie and forced myself to go back to sleep. When I woke up she had already left for work. She sent me a text telling me to feel better. I told her I would and I said don’t worry about my crazy ass while you’re at work. She told me she would try not to and told me to be lazy and rest today. I’m kind of glad she was gone when I woke up because I just didn’t want her to see me this way. I still haven’t decided if I will even tell her about what triggered this. She could help me feel better or she might realize how nuts I really am and want to run for the hills. I warned her when she first started pursuing me that I have some serious mental problems. She has always said it’s not anything she can’t handle. But she has also never seen me during a really bad time either.

 

I just hope I can bounce back easily from this one and it doesn’t take over my life for weeks like these incidents have in the past. This always seems to happen at a happy time in my life too. When I was a kid if something made me happy it was taken away from me. My parents were miserable people and wanted me to be just as miserable. So as an adult I think subconsciously I am hardwired to not get too happy.

 

Anyway, I know this is a long post, I am just looking for some support. I’m here alone trying to process all this. And do you guys think I should tell her? Thanks for reading.

 

TLDR; I had a dream about something bad happening to my SO. Woke up and had a panic attack. I am clinically diagnosed with OCD and I am really worried this will be something I fixate on for a while.

Link to comment

I am sorry, my husband is clinically diagnosed with OCD as well, but has been remarkably better for some time now with the correct meds and therapy.

 

Most likely everything will be perfectly fine. I know this doesn’t help when the mind is in a spiral. ( I have diagnosed PTSD, panic disorder and anxiety)

 

Try to do something today that you enjoy.

 

Can you get a new therapist?

Link to comment
I am sorry, my husband is clinically diagnosed with OCD as well, but has been remarkably better for some time now with the correct meds and therapy.

 

Most likely everything will be perfectly fine. I know this doesn’t help when the mind is in a spiral. ( I have diagnosed PTSD, panic disorder and anxiety)

 

Try to do something today that you enjoy.

 

Can you get a new therapist?

 

 

I've been doing really well for a long time now. Years, even. I have developed a lot of coping mechanisms. But sometimes stuff like this just happens. I remember telling someone once that OCD is like trying to navigate your way through a dark place while snipers are on the loose and you know you could be shot any second. Meds have helped a lot. Meditation has been a big one for me as well. And even though it's controversial and some people here might judge, the therapeutic use of psychedelics has been life changing for me.

 

I am going to look into finding a new therapist. I was really hoping I was strong enough to go without therapy. I saw this as kind of a test. As an absolute last resort I still have my old therapist's email address. She told me to contact her if there's ever a crisis where I really need to talk to someone.

 

I'm probably going to paint today, since that's the thing I love most.

 

Do you think I should tell her? You being the SO of someone with OCD, would you want to know?

Link to comment
I've been doing really well for a long time now. Years, even. I have developed a lot of coping mechanisms. But sometimes stuff like this just happens. I remember telling someone once that OCD is like trying to navigate your way through a dark place while snipers are on the loose and you know you could be shot any second. Meds have helped a lot. Meditation has been a big one for me as well. And even though it's controversial and some people here might judge, the therapeutic use of psychedelics has been life changing for me.

 

I am going to look into finding a new therapist. I was really hoping I was strong enough to go without therapy. I saw this as kind of a test. As an absolute last resort I still have my old therapist's email address. She told me to contact her if there's ever a crisis where I really need to talk to someone.

 

I'm probably going to paint today, since that's the thing I love most.

1 wouldn’t look at it as a last resort. Even if we have physical ailments we need to address them. What is the alternative? It is the lessor of two evils more or less.

 

Have a great day painting .

Link to comment
1 wouldn’t look at it as a last resort. Even if we have physical ailments we need to address them. What is the alternative? It is the lessor of two evils more or less.

 

Have a great day painting .

 

Do you think I should tell her what triggered this?

Link to comment
Do you think I should tell her what triggered this?

 

As an SO, I would respect whatever you need to do for yourself in order to deal with it. It sounds to me like this is exactly how she is dealing with this.

 

So, tell her if you want or don't if you don't want.

 

Ask yourself this - is talking about it going to make you feel better and put an end to this OR is it going to make you think about it more and more, until it gets out of control?

Link to comment
As an SO, I would respect whatever you need to do for yourself in order to deal with it. It sounds to me like this is exactly how she is dealing with this.

 

So, tell her if you want or don't if you don't want.

 

Ask yourself this - is talking about it going to make you feel better and put an end to this OR is it going to make you think about it more and more, until it gets out of control?

 

 

Right now I think the best thing to do is if she asks, tell her but don't go into detail. She doesn't need to know every single detail of the dream, etc. But I think I should probably tell her about what happened back in 2006 because that's what's driving a lot of the anxiety I am feeling now. It's not so much that I'm afraid something bad will happen to her. I'm more afraid of a repeat of 2006 with my ex husband. Of course my ex did nothing to help the situation at all. He continued driving around and smoking in a car that was leaking gas and he laughed at me for being so worried. The whole thing was just a big joke to him. I doubt she would react that way. She has some issues too. We both grew up in really dysfunctional homes. We also have both lost people we were close to. We've both been in and out of therapy most of our adult lives, etc. I think she would actually get it. But I don't want to go into every little detail about it if she asks.

 

Also, I keep reminding myself that I've had really bad dreams before. I've dreamt that my whole family was killed. I've dreamt that I was involved in a shooting at a Night Club (And it was a real club that I used to be a regular at at the time I dreamt this.) I've dreamt about being sexually assaulted. I also dreamt once that I was hiking with my bf at the time and he fell off a cliff and died. And nothing bad has ever happened following a bad dream, ever. Most of the time they happen when things in my life are going pretty well, even.

Link to comment
I had daily nightmares like the one you had every single night all night long for 35 years because PTSD. I didn’t tell my husband all the time because that would be overkill. But I did when I woke screaming.

 

I think it is ok once in a while. It builds emotional intimacy.

 

I will never self diagnose, but I have wondered if I have a little bit of PTSD too. I was molested for years as a kid by an older family member and so were two of my sisters. CPS was informed and did nothing too which made it even more of a mind freak.

Link to comment
I will never self diagnose, but I have wondered if I have a little bit of PTSD too. I was molested for years as a kid by an older family member and so were two of my sisters. CPS was informed and did nothing too which made it even more of a mind freak.

 

I am so sorry for what you have suffered and I hope this relationship makes you super happy . I remember when you were with your husband you deserve the best. ❤️

Link to comment
I am so sorry for what you have suffered and I hope this relationship makes you super happy . I remember when you were with your husband you deserve the best. ❤️

 

Well, my ex husband is dead now. And sadly he is one of those people who started confronting his issues and really working on himself, and then he died. He went to therapy, worked on his anger problems, went on meds, etc. He did a lot to clean up his act. Him and I even became friends. We had a really long phone conversation one night where he apologized for all the crap he put me through and I think he really was sincere. I was at his house three days before he passed away with my at the time boyfriend. He was dating this girl from another state and he was about to move to be with her. He gave me some furniture and stuff because he was trying to pack as light as possible for the move. He was happy when I left that night. He gave me a big hug and everything. Then three days later I got a text from a mutual friend saying he was dead. He killed himself and no one really knows why. He didn't leave a note and his family kept everything really hush hush. And as morbid as this is, my girlfriend actually has a dead ex too. The circumstances were similar even. When we first started talking that was one of the things we bonded over. Not a lot of people understand what that particular situation is like.

 

Sorry for rambling. Thanks for your help on this thread.

Link to comment
Well, my ex husband is dead now. And sadly he is one of those people who started confronting his issues and really working on himself, and then he died. He went to therapy, worked on his anger problems, went on meds, etc. He did a lot to clean up his act. Him and I even became friends. We had a really long phone conversation one night where he apologized for all the crap he put me through and I think he really was sincere. I was at his house three days before he passed away with my at the time boyfriend. He was dating this girl from another state and he was about to move to be with her. He gave me some furniture and stuff because he was trying to pack as light as possible for the move. He was happy when I left that night. He gave me a big hug and everything. Then three days later I got a text from a mutual friend saying he was dead. He killed himself and no one really knows why. He didn't leave a note and his family kept everything really hush hush. And as morbid as this is, my girlfriend actually has a dead ex too. The circumstances were similar even. When we first started talking that was one of the things we bonded over. Not a lot of people understand what that particular situation is like.

 

Sorry for rambling. Thanks for your help on this thread.

I am so sorry for his untimely passing. I am so glad he was facing his issues and even apologized. That shows his strength of character.

Link to comment
I am so sorry for his untimely passing. I am so glad he was facing his issues and even apologized. That shows his strength of character.

 

His death was a really surreal thing. His family didn't even have a memorial service for him. They wouldn't talk to anyone either. Because he was in a band and he was a film maker he had a huge social media following. His Facebook was full of stuff from people posting memories about him and stuff. At one point his Mom got on there and told everyone to stop posting on his Facebook page. People did anyway though. And so someone (presumably her) got into his account and unfriended everyone and made his whole page private.

 

His Mom wrote the obituary too, and it was the most messed up obituary I've ever seen. I remember as I was reading it I was just getting angrier and angrier and angrier. It was full of lies and it was more about making her and the rest of her family look good than it was about him. It never mentioned anything about his music or him being a film maker. There was stuff in it about how much he loved his Mom's delicious cookies. Ok... him and I were together for ten years. He never once mentioned his Mom's cookies and his Mom never baked him cookies that I remember. And there was this weird cringe worthy poem that his brother wrote for him. It was like, "Hold me closer, I'll slay dragons to make sure you're alright." Idk... it sounded like something some high school freshman would write to some girl he has a crush on. Not something a 40 year old man would write about his dead little brother. A bunch of mutual friends of his and mine all thought the obituary was weird too. And there was also a line thanking the coroner for her non judgmental approach. Why the hell would the coroner be judgmental? Examining dead bodies is her job.

 

Idk... The whole situation was really bizarre in a lot of ways. Sorry this went a lot longer than I intended, lol.

Link to comment

This advice might not work, considering your condition. So please know I mean no disrespect. Nor am I trying to trivialize your pain.

 

However, when I read your dream of death, my mind went to a different interpretation.

 

A death can symbolize the end of something or the beginning of something. In a symbolic sense, your SO could be ending a stage of life, a cycle of some kind, a job, it could mean something positive... as in overcoming a challenge or something they have dealing with is coming to end.

 

And since it was your dream, this could mean you are the one that is ending something, starting something new.

 

It doesn't have to mean death in terms of life is over.

 

Our minds, use dreams to process. sometimes they can be visions of future events. but they aren't usually literal.

 

I suffer from disturbing dreams at times and I often Google meanings or look to my tarot cards for symbolism. If you take some time to journal or reflect in your mind, what's been happening, you might find insightful wisdom from your subconscious breaks through.

Link to comment

Cynder, I'm really sorry you've had to endure so much in your life. If it helps any, I see a remarkable, intelligent, and caring person inside you. I know it can be a struggle, but you're doing well. Hope you took some time to relax and calm yourself. One dream doesn't mean something bad will follow or that he'll start slipping. You're strong and can handle this.

 

From what you've said about your girlfriend, she'll want to know and help you through. She might even suspect there's more the what you are telling. Don't go into detail if you think it would only make you feel worse. But let her know about you husband and the fears you have. These are the moments that can really bring you closer together. The moments I've felt closet to people have usually been while bonding over something that's hurt us or made us anxious. I think she'll understand and will be there to help you through your feelings. Having that support can really keep you calm and prevent you from going to far into depression.

 

And I also think your husband's family was weird with their response to his passing. It's sad, but maybe not uncommon, that people can make that time about them and not be able to reflect who the person really was. I had similar feelings with my father's funeral a couple years, like the person being described wasn't the father I grew up with.

Link to comment
This advice might not work, considering your condition. So please know I mean no disrespect. Nor am I trying to trivialize your pain.

 

However, when I read your dream of death, my mind went to a different interpretation.

 

A death can symbolize the end of something or the beginning of something. In a symbolic sense, your SO could be ending a stage of life, a cycle of some kind, a job, it could mean something positive... as in overcoming a challenge or something they have dealing with is coming to end.

 

And since it was your dream, this could mean you are the one that is ending something, starting something new.

 

It doesn't have to mean death in terms of life is over.

 

Our minds, use dreams to process. sometimes they can be visions of future events. but they aren't usually literal.

 

I suffer from disturbing dreams at times and I often Google meanings or look to my tarot cards for symbolism. If you take some time to journal or reflect in your mind, what's been happening, you might find insightful wisdom from your subconscious breaks through.

 

 

She is actually transition right now from one job to another job. I say transitioning because the job she had before has seriously cut her hours and so she got a second job. Right now she has both, but is planning on putting in her notice once her probationary period is up at the new job (which will be today.)

 

As far as me ending something and starting something new, there could be something to that also. This relationship is still new, for one. We've only been together 2 months. But we also live together and this is the first time in over a decade that I've lived with a significant other. We did things backwards. Most of the time when two people are together for a while they end up moving in together. We started out as roommates and then ended up falling for each other.

 

Also, this is my first serious relationship with a woman. I've identified as Bisexual for a long time. But all my serious relationships have been with men. It's not that I have a preference for one or the other. It's just worked out that way. But I am not one of those members of the LGBTQ community that is really loud about their orientation. I don't deny it, but unless it comes up in conversation I don't go around announcing it either. And so a lot of people I know who aren't really close to me had no idea. So lately I've heard a lot of statements like, "So you're gay now?" I can understand why people are asking that and I know they don't mean it as a bad thing. But it is a little frustrating having to explain to people that I didn't just suddenly turn gay. I've always been Bi, I'm just currently in a gay relationship.

 

And, I found out last week that my 11 year old Persian cat that I've raised since kittenhood has throat cancer. The vet said she could still live for years if I keep up with the medication and everything, but she might only have a few months. And I know eventually I'll likely have to have her put to sleep. So every day I interact with her knowing she could die any day now. That could have influenced this a little.

 

I'm a tarot reader too, but I don't read much for myself anymore. I think my cards hate me sometimes. The Tower loves to pop up in almost all my readings for myself.

 

Anyway, thanks for replying and for your interpretation.

Link to comment
His death was a really surreal thing. His family didn't even have a memorial service for him. They wouldn't talk to anyone either. Because he was in a band and he was a film maker he had a huge social media following. His Facebook was full of stuff from people posting memories about him and stuff. At one point his Mom got on there and told everyone to stop posting on his Facebook page. People did anyway though. And so someone (presumably her) got into his account and unfriended everyone and made his whole page private.

 

His Mom wrote the obituary too, and it was the most messed up obituary I've ever seen. I remember as I was reading it I was just getting angrier and angrier and angrier. It was full of lies and it was more about making her and the rest of her family look good than it was about him. It never mentioned anything about his music or him being a film maker. There was stuff in it about how much he loved his Mom's delicious cookies. Ok... him and I were together for ten years. He never once mentioned his Mom's cookies and his Mom never baked him cookies that I remember. And there was this weird cringe worthy poem that his brother wrote for him. It was like, "Hold me closer, I'll slay dragons to make sure you're alright." Idk... it sounded like something some high school freshman would write to some girl he has a crush on. Not something a 40 year old man would write about his dead little brother. A bunch of mutual friends of his and mine all thought the obituary was weird too. And there was also a line thanking the coroner for her non judgmental approach. Why the hell would the coroner be judgmental? Examining dead bodies is her job.

 

Idk... The whole situation was really bizarre in a lot of ways. Sorry this went a lot longer than I intended, lol.

 

For sure people act very strange when someone dies. My dad passed recently August and his sister was late for his funeral which was outside and even though everyone had been waiting including the funeral director and her 100 year old aunt she STILL needed a bathroom. Yet I had been waiting to pee for 3 hours and didn’t say anything because this was about my dad. But she still managed to make the show all about her like it was in his life. He was ALWAYS the last considered among his sibs.

Link to comment
She is actually transition right now from one job to another job. I say transitioning because the job she had before has seriously cut her hours and so she got a second job. Right now she has both, but is planning on putting in her notice once her probationary period is up at the new job (which will be today.)

 

As far as me ending something and starting something new, there could be something to that also. This relationship is still new, for one. We've only been together 2 months. But we also live together and this is the first time in over a decade that I've lived with a significant other. We did things backwards. Most of the time when two people are together for a while they end up moving in together. We started out as roommates and then ended up falling for each other.

 

Also, this is my first serious relationship with a woman. I've identified as Bisexual for a long time. But all my serious relationships have been with men. It's not that I have a preference for one or the other. It's just worked out that way. But I am not one of those members of the LGBTQ community that is really loud about their orientation. I don't deny it, but unless it comes up in conversation I don't go around announcing it either. And so a lot of people I know who aren't really close to me had no idea. So lately I've heard a lot of statements like, "So you're gay now?" I can understand why people are asking that and I know they don't mean it as a bad thing. But it is a little frustrating having to explain to people that I didn't just suddenly turn gay. I've always been Bi, I'm just currently in a gay relationship.

 

And, I found out last week that my 11 year old Persian cat that I've raised since kittenhood has throat cancer. The vet said she could still live for years if I keep up with the medication and everything, but she might only have a few months. And I know eventually I'll likely have to have her put to sleep. So every day I interact with her knowing she could die any day now. That could have influenced this a little.

 

I'm a tarot reader too, but I don't read much for myself anymore. I think my cards hate me sometimes. The Tower loves to pop up in almost all my readings for myself.

 

Anyway, thanks for replying and for your interpretation.

You're welcome.

 

I think you mentioned multiple things that could be your brain processing change and death.

 

I think everything you said (for what it's worth coming from a stranger) makes complete sense.

 

Its likely your tarot cards don't hate you :)

 

Thinking of The tower card... again another seemingly negative card... but it also is an indicator of change, the break down of what was.... not always a bad thing in the long run.

 

I think of losing our baby teeth... we all go through that and it's celebrated by our society... cause we know we are making way for new, better, stronger teeth.

 

But aside from teeth, I struggle to think of other instances that so clearly demonstrate something bad actually being good to the extent we celebrate with the tooth fairy, no less.

 

Unlike teeth. most changes do not have a clear outcome. and let's face it, all living creatures struggle with change.

 

Be kind to yourself... you are going through a lot right now. I'm sorry about your kitty. I love kitty cats and having put my own down, I understand the pain.

 

I get exactly what you mean about coming out bi to your friend's etc. They mean well but it's a lot of explaining and being very vulnerable to their response.

 

And a new relationship!

 

it's a lot of change at one time. It will take time to process and to get on solid footing. At least it would be for me!

[emoji173]

Link to comment

QUOTE=ShySoul;7246154]Cynder, I'm really sorry you've had to endure so much in your life. If it helps any, I see a remarkable, intelligent, and caring person inside you. I know it can be a struggle, but you're doing well. Hope you took some time to relax and calm yourself. One dream doesn't mean something bad will follow or that he'll start slipping. You're strong and can handle this.

 

From what you've said about your girlfriend, she'll want to know and help you through. She might even suspect there's more the what you are telling. Don't go into detail if you think it would only make you feel worse. But let her know about you husband and the fears you have. These are the moments that can really bring you closer together. The moments I've felt closet to people have usually been while bonding over something that's hurt us or made us anxious. I think she'll understand and will be there to help you through your feelings. Having that support can really keep you calm and prevent you from going to far into depression.

 

And I also think your husband's family was weird with their response to his passing. It's sad, but maybe not uncommon, that people can make that time about them and not be able to reflect who the person really was. I had similar feelings with my father's funeral a couple years, like the person being described wasn't the father I grew up with.

 

Yesterday when she got home from work we actually had a pretty long talk about it. She said I didn't have to tell her anything I wasn't comfortable telling her. But I ended up telling her everything just because I really wanted her to understand where I was coming from. And I kept apologizing for all of this. She told me I really need to stop being sorry about everything all the time. And she's right. That is something I struggle with. When I was growing up I couldn't do anything right. Both of my parents told me more than once that I ruined their lives. So I grew up feeling like I should be sorry for even existing.

 

And when I was a kid if something made me happy it was automatically bad and they would find some reason to take it away from me. So I just think my subconscious is trained to not be happy. Because it seems like whenever things are going really well in my life, I get depressed.

 

She thinks I need to try different meds. I like the meds I'm on. This isn't the first time this has come up either. She has suggested I change my meds before. I hope this doesn't become a bigger conflict down the line. I went off them for a little while earlier this year because I was detoxing for an Ayahuasca ceremony. Getting used to them again was pretty rough. I was getting acclimated to my meds again right around the time her and I started dating. So she might not have understood that I was just getting back into taking them.

 

Anyway, thanks for replying. Sorry I didn't answer you sooner.

Link to comment

I think her reactions about the meds is understandable -she hasn't known you long, but now you are seriously involved and you shared a lot of intense stuff with her all at once plus she saw you looking unwell. It's a lot. I'm not a knee jerk meds person nor would I suggest anyone change their meds and that's just me -I know many people are into meds, shifting meds, trying all sorts of different medicinal and natural approaches -I see that all over my FB feed especially now with Covid. I know she suggested it before, too. Just confirm your boundaries like you did and know that she's probably going to raise it in some manner unless you set some ground rules like "I really want to be able to share all these details with you and the reaction that I should change my meds just isn't that helpful to me - i'd rather share than be hesitant to share." Something like that.

Link to comment

Parents can really have a long lasting affect on us, for good and bad. Their actions leave impressions with you that are hard to shake. If all you've known is depression or having bad things happen to you, how do not anticipate that will continue? You can't enjoy the good because you know something bad is going to come and ruin it. It's a difficult cycle to break out of. Personally, I have to keep reminding myself of the good each day, even if it's something small. Enjoy the happiness you have now, trying to live in the moment.

 

With the meds, just be honest with her about it. This is all new to her so she's trying to help anyway she think she can. She saw you hurting so thought that might be part of the problem. Finding the right medication can be tricky, so if you feel it's helping, continue with it. She'll understand if explain it to her.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...