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Thread: Help me, I'm so lost and hopeless about my circumstances.

  1. #1

    Help me, I'm so lost and hopeless about my circumstances.

    I worked with my fiance for years before we started dating. He put in a transfer to a state 4k miles away a month before we began dating. It got approved a few weeks after seeing each other but we always had the biggest crush on each other for years with out knowing either of us had the same feelings so, this was hard to quit. We kept seeing each other and fell in love before he left. He proposed when I came to visit. He had me move over to where he transferred to. I left everything behind. Family, friends, animals, all the things I cared about. I dragged my 12 yr old boy here who wasn't too thrilled.

    When I got here, he had seemed to change. He wasn't the same person that I knew prior to move. He basically worships his technology. His face is always in his phone, laptop, tablet, TV, and always playing sexually appealing games. I point that out because his sex drive is strong and it seems to be all he cares about with me or even in his hobbies. It's been 8 months since I've been here and we've not gone out once or done anything as a family. I'm 6 months pregnant btw. He invests no time in me. I'm basically his f* buddy. At least that's how I feel. Prior to moving, we spent time together. I barely saw him play video games, we did things together. It was great. He said he was an outdoors person and loved to camp, hike, fish... similar to me. He's never once wanted to go with me. Life is depressing. I feel alone. The only connection I have here is him and he's not invested. He says he loves me. We've argued for months about his behavior changes. He's the type that doesn't argue or get mad. For the longest time I thought he was a stoner because he was so disconnected or at least on meds. He says he's not. I think he's sort of narcissistic where he only cares about his pleasures and feelings.

    Oh, we also live with his mom. The plan was to save money the first year and buy our own place. But shortly after I moved, the plan changed for him to buy the house and her build a MIL house on property. I never agreed to this and I feel forced into this as I watch his mom spend $1000s on the property preparing to build a driveway in the back of the house to eventually (could take years) start building. The house is big, and the house and property is worth about 750,000 and shell be selling it at a fraction of cost to live here. Ive told my fiance I can't live here happily. She makes my life so unfulfilled. I cant garden, I cant cook I cant decorate or do anything to make myself feel at home or put down any roots. Everything's criticized. I'm a good cook but I stopped because she was so critical and anal about any action I took and tries to make me do things her way, that my food started tasting bad. I dont try to do anything in her house anymore, I even try to do laundry while shes sleeping or away because she wants to over see if I separated jeans, and left out softener out of the towels so they absorb water, put settings of temp matching fabrics. Its not just laundry and cooking, but she does this with everything. Even argued what vehicle I was to buy for 3 months when I first got here. Shes been so controlling, intrusive, and domineering. She's made my life miserable but I can't say anything because I'm under her roof. I've expressed everything that has bothered me to my ex but he never does anything to change and never talks to his mom because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. He's lazy and a coward. He enjoys living with his mom because she enables this behavior to continue.

    Touching on my trust issues: I found messages to another girl that he's been writing, venting our relationship issues to. Which supposedly he never had any friends that were girls.. yet when I confronted him he said she's been a friend for years and it's not a big deal. He doesn't seem to want to talk to me about things. He's a manager and shared texts about looking at the applications for hire to find hot girls to interview with his fellow managers. His words, "I'm just being a guy". These may sound minor but since the move here and till this point, I feel so under-valued and unappreciated constantly. He never tries to help the relationship yet gives his all to other things OF INTEREST and can clearly vent his frustrations to others. I love him. I have a baby growing inside me. I'm not unattractive or ugly. I get attention from other men but I want his, and I never entertain others out of respect. Being with him has made me feel so insecure, why doesn't the man I love care enough, that there's something wrong with me? I have no support here to fall back on or even vent to.

    I cant move back because I don't have enough money or time before baby comes. I'm depressed, I cry all the time, I've gradually became an untrusting B* to him now and all we do is argue. Which supports his why try mentality. Which makes it worse. I cant move out because I don't have enough money to pay for a new born's necessities and child care. I moved from Texas to AK. If I have the baby here, 50 50 custody laws apply and I won't be able to move back. I dont want to take the baby away from him either. He deserves rights too. He's not a bad father or guy and I don't play games using the kids. Being here alone terrifies me but I can't afford any of the cost to relocate and there is no guarantee to get a transfer back with my job I've been with for 11 years. I'm so stuck and it hurts to watch him just carry on unphased by this while my emotions tear me apart. I'm a very emotional person. This literally makes me feel like I'm dying inside. I was single for 10 years before him, last year I barely started dating again. I also have trust issues from an abusive, cheating ex who was almost successful in beating me to death a couple occasions. I still have trauma and I know some of my despondent thoughts about my current partner are fabricated from that and create a lot of fear where there isn't a need to be fearful. I'm sure the hormones don't help.

    The other day after an argument,
    He says he loves me and wants to be a better person and try. He says he's not good at expressing himself or showing emotion. He's said this before. It makes me angry when I argue and he just stares blankly in my eyes as if he has no soul. My anger has grown to fury, but deep down it's because I'm sad and cry my heart out everyday because I've lost hope and my fighting never gets anywhere.
    It makes my heart break that he has to try to love me but yet he can easily invest in the things he is interested everyday, pour money into, research, even his fellow coworkers he manages over get more out of him than I do. How do I go about the future knowing my options are limited to leave but also, I love him.

    How can I build trust or am I fool to try? How do I let him change when I feel it's fake behavior when he actually says he's trying because it never lasts? I'm not good at pretending, faking it till I make it. My emotions get the best of me, a major fault of mine. Do you think we can move forward from this and out of this bad environment we've created between each other. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Can you recommend anything at all to help my situation?

    My questions aren't the greatest, I'll take any advice. Please be gentle. I know I have my failures and made mistakes with my decisions. I am aware I am responsible for getting myself in this situation. I'm already in a very fragile emotional state. I just need help, advice, or some kind of support or encouragement.
    Last edited by Chiquita85; 10-20-2020 at 01:31 PM. Reason: Grammatical errors

  2. #2
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Can you please edit to add paragraphs.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It was a rash and hasty move. You need to move back home. Now. take your son back to where he belongs. Tell your family what is going on and ask if they can help you move.

    Move before the baby comes. It's better to admit you make a horrible mistake moving to him and in with his mother than to keep forcing yourself and your son to endure this.

    You can move back. You have plenty of time. You can ask family friend to help you rent a truck it's that simple. This nightmare will be over when you want it to be . The longer you stay the worse it will get. He is not going to change.
    Originally Posted by Chiquita85
    I left everything behind. Family, friends, animals, all the things I cared about. I dragged my 12 yr old boy here who wasn't too thrilled. It's been 8 months since I've been here and we've not gone out once or done anything as a family.

    I'm 6 months pregnant btw. we also live with his mom.

    I cant move back because I don't have enough money or time before baby comes. I cant move out because I don't have enough money to pay for a new born's necessities and child care. I moved from Texas to AK.

  4. #4
    I just realized I called him my ex when I said I expressed how I felt about living with his mom. I'm mentally struggling of trying to stop caring about him as much as I do because I feel he enjoys the power he has over me, like he feels he can't lose me because I'm so dependent on him now.

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  6. #5
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    Move back to Alaska. Stay with family Have the baby in Alaska. File for Child Support. If he wants to see the baby, he can fly to see the baby if he can spare the time from his gaming.

    He's not going to change. I will repeat - he is not going to change. Dealt with the same issue where you move in, and the guy is obsessed with computer games and you are the last priority. Think of your children - I guarantee your son is already neglected by him - you honestly think the baby will get the quality time it deserves - nope. Move now. Call friends, family, anyone in your circle and move back. Do not wait. If he wants to work things out, he can come visit, and you can see how it goes. Do not give up anymore of yourself for this person who literally prefers his cell phone over you. It has nothing to do with your looks or personality. He is just a selfish dude.

  7. #6
    I can't drive. The border is closed to Canada for travel still. It would cost like 3 to 4 grand to get my new jeep shipped to Washington. I still have to get to get my transfer with my job. I get paid $27 an hour and hefty bonuses. I cant lose it but I paid off a lot of debt and don't have finances saved at all.
    Last edited by Chiquita85; 10-20-2020 at 02:01 PM.

  8. #7
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    Drive your Jeep back - take few days to do it. Rent a small hitch trailer for your stuff. You can move after you get your transfer. In the meantime, schedule things now, so you are ready by 7 months. I was driving and working till the day before I went into labor. You can too. Take only what you need for a few months. Have family throw you a shower for baby stuff. Get free stuff from FB marketplace. You can do this.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Fly home with your son. Take as much with you as you can. Tell him "it's just for a visit". Driving 4k 6 mos pregnant that distance is nonsense. Slowly but surely start shipping stuff home. You Can get out if you want to but you have to be honest with yourself and cut your losses.

    For get the car. Your son and your unborn are more important . You need to be around your Own family now. Stop making everyone especially your son pay for your lust and impulsive mistakes.
    Originally Posted by Chiquita85
    I can't drive. The border is closed to Canada for travel still. It would cost like 3 to 4 grand to get my new jeep shipped to Washington. I still have to get to get my transfer with my job. I get paid $27 an hour and hefty bonuses. I cant lose it but I paid off a lot of debt and don't have finances saved at all.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Call a women's resource center in your area. They can offer support and resources.
    Your aim is to go home? Because it needs to be. For your son more than anyone. This isn't fair to him. You are an adult who chose dependency, he is a kid who doesn't have the option of leaving on his own. He is depending on you and has no one but you there. Not fair and not right.
    Get home, get therapy, get working - current job or another - and thrn get on birth control after you have your kid. You got pregnant during a pandemic with no income and when your other child really needed you...why.
    It's not about what you want anymore it's about taking care of those kids.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Chiquita85
    I can't drive. The border is closed to Canada for travel still. It would cost like 3 to 4 grand to get my new jeep shipped to Washington. I still have to get to get my transfer with my job. I get paid $27 an hour and hefty bonuses. I cant lose it but I paid off a lot of debt and don't have finances saved at all.
    No it's not. To help stop the spread of COVID-19, the Canada-U.S. land border closed to non-essential travel in late March. However, Americans can still drive through Canada to Alaska, or vice versa, for non-discretionary reasons, such as for work or school, or to return home.Oct 6, 2020

    Tell them you are going home, relationship is over, you have nowhere else to go but back home to your family, or say you have been transferred to your Washington branch for work.

    I see Washington plates all the time. You Americans are still cutting through BC, np.

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